How do we get Mom to move to AL?

You make a good point, AnitaG61. Yes, my Mom was still generally aware of what was going on. She didn't have very good memory (also couldn't remember if she had coffee in the morning) but she was capable of handling the conversation around her quite well, as it was going on. She could also recall points of major or different activities, such as visits to the facility. It sounds as if we were fortunate enough to get Mom into care before it became too difficult.

She has lost her ability to chose because she's waited too long to make a decision. My mother was not happy when I had to move in from 400 miles away!

An Assisted Living Facility (ALF) is not a proper venue for your mother. The care in one is limited. If things are so poor she actually needs to be in a Skilled Nursing Facility. The names of these facilities are used in WA state. Perhaps they are called something else in your region of the country.

GrammaBirdie - Your strategy sounds like it worked for you, but it also sounds like your mother was still pretty mentally competent. I don't think that strategy wuld work for us, or many people whose parents have advanced dementia. E.g., I don't think my MIL would remember all those trips/visits, since she's at the point where she can't even recall if she's had her morning coffee.

Again - great strategy if ones loved one can participate; ours couldn't at this point.

AMEN, AMEN,AMEN. Stay strong and look beyond

When it was time to move Mom into memory care, we took her there to visit and see the place first, not saying she'd move there. We simply toured the building at first. The second time we were greeted by name, looked at rooms and talked about how they could be arranged. Both times we met with some residents and staff and just chatted. The second time we also ate a meal with the residents. The third time we toured again, did exercises with the residents, and ate another meal with them. These visits were 2-3 days apart. Then at home we'd talk about what furniture, etc. we'd like to bring there. We didn't Ask or Tell her specifically, just talked among ourselves and included her in the conversation (almost as if it were her idea.) Then we moved a couple pieces of furniture in her room, talked about where we'd put other things in that room, set a bird feeder outside her window, and then did crafts with the residents and ate another meal there. Back at home we'd talk about what a nice place it was, and how much the residents and staff enjoyed her company. She still was not wanting to move, but when we went there again, she saw all her things were there as we discussed. We left her there, but came to visit just before bedtime. She wanted to go home, but we told her this is where she could live and take part in all the meals and activities, and we would have a nice place to visit her. She was reluctant, but became more used to staying there in just a couple days. This was quite a bit different than the stories we heard and scenes we witnessed where the new resident is very angry, resentful, hurt, and cries and screams about being left there. it takes them a long time to get over it. Some never do and continue trying to "escape." I am so glad we were able to take some time to orient Mom to the place and people, and familiarize her with the situation before having to leave here there. She adapted very quickly, especially since at first she did not want to leave home.

I just recently had to move my mother to an AL. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, especially when my mother cried and begged me to let her stay with us. She is an Alz patient and was experiencing several other serious health problems that I could no longer deal with. My own health had been failing as well. I simply told my mother that we were going to have to make some changes in our personal life and she could no long stay with us, at least not for awhile. I promised her that if she was unhappy where she was staying, then we would do something about it, and I meant that too. At first she thought the whole thing was only going to be a temporary arrangement and I did not try and correct her. I agree with lamptnbiker, set up her room with several of her things, including her pillow and spread for her bed, so that she is comfortable when she first gets there. She needs familar things surrounding her. My mom is now settled in and is very very happy where she is at. She still ask me sometimes when she can come home again, when she remembers she use to live somewhere else, but most of the time she is quite content with where she is. And I love the fact that she has constant help and attention. Her overall health has improved drastically. And now I can go and see her all the time as her daughter and not as a caregiver. It has changed our limited relationship that we still have. It was the best move I could have made, it just took my heart a long time to come to terms with that fact. My mother would never have agreed on her own, and for the week before we placed her and on the entire drive there she kept begging me not to take her there. I almost turned around several times, let me tell you. I just had to keep reminding myself that I was not a nurse and I could no longer provide her with the care she needed. I feel for your father because I know that my years of caregiving have aged me and I am still having serious health issues of my own. This is a difficult decision to say the least, but take EVERYONE into consideration and not just your mom. You are not doing her any disservice by trying to get her the care she needs while thinking of your father's health as well. It may be the most loving decision, even if at first your mother doesn't see it that way.

Lamptnbiker, thanks for sharing your story. It could be a play by play for me and my folks who are resisting moving into care.

I just did this! I moved both my parents this past May. My Dad was the one having issues and my Mom was the one that did not want to move. I just did not take no as an answer. I found the place, my brother put down the deposit last December. My Dad ended up in the hospital in January and then again two more times at the beginning of the year. In the mean time, I just kept saying that it was hard on me, the caregiver, and that my Mom could not keep taking care of my Dad, the house and running all the errands etc...yes, we did fight about it from time to time, but I just kept working on getting all the requirements done to get them moved. My first piece of advice is, move them both together. I read this makes the transition easier, and it does! It takes about 3 to 4 months for your parents to adjust. It does! My Mom told me she would divorce my Dad if she had to move, never leave her room, never talk to anyone etc, etc, but in reality, she loves the people, the entertainment etc...After 4 months of being at their place, she has told me she now realizes they needed to be there and it was the right thing to do! Now, another piece of advice, when I moved them, I set up their apartment so the beds were made, all dishes and food put away, tv was hooked up, computer hooked up etc..when they got there....they were already settled. This also helps with an easy transition. Their home was a wreck from moving, but their destination was complete. My Mom was happier walking into a settled apartment since moving is very hard on the elderly! From there, I immediately got their home cleaned out and sold! This means money in the bank for them and no home to go back to. This means they have to make do with their new home and life! Trust me, I have since met many other children that have been through this same experience and we all seem to do the same basic thing. No parent ever wants to leave their home and go to AL!!!! NONE!!! Even the people I have met there that voluntarily moved! So, stay strong and keep telling them this is for their own good and there is no choice anymore. I just listened to the my Mother get mad in the process, I never argued back etc...I just calmly kept packing and asking her what she was going to take with her. Your Mom should be easier since she is in bed....she can't fight with you too much during her move. My parents ate 84 and 86 as well. Good luck, stay strong and you can do this!!!

What does Dad have to say? And does anyone have power of attorney? Someone will have to sign the contract with the facility.

There is a difference between being legally competent and needing assistance with medication. Legally competent people are allowed to make decisions which may not be in their best interest. There are many people trying to live on their own who could benefit from assisted living of some kind but do not choose that option for one reason or another. There are a lot of people who "over-medicate" themselves (abusing prescription drugs, using other drugs, drinking too much, eating unhealthy foods in large quantities, etc.) and they are not automatically declared incompetent to make their own decisions. There is a difference between people making choices with which others disagree and not being legally competent to make those decisions.

It doesn't appear she is competent if she's over medicating herself. That is one of the 5 criteria for assisted living...needs medication assistance.

If she is mentally competent then it is still her choice. It might help to have a "family meeting" to share your concerns. You could do the legwork necessary to get things in place for a transition. What if you explored the possibilities available to them and then presented her (her and your dad) with two or three options. One might be getting enough assistance for her to remain at home, provided that they have the finances to afford that. Another might be a particular assisted living facility in their town, again provided that they can afford it. If they would or could soon qualify for Medicaid then that will close the door to some options but perhaps open the door to one or two others. If she can legally make her own decisions then you can encourage her to make a change but you cannot force it. I know of one situation in which the person could still (barely) make her own decisions but could not afford a needed repair to her house and her family used that to convince her to move in with a family member.

Move dad. "We're sorry mom, but this needs to happen. Dad can't care for you anymore. We are not available, we have to work. It's not working out this way. This is what the doctor's say you have to do"

You must do what is in her best interest...which is move her. She doesn't know what's in her best interest. Will it be hard ...yes! But your dad deserves it too, think of him, which it sounds like you are. You don't say if she has dementia, but it sounds like it. Perhaps you could get her doctor to state that this is imperative.

You're apparently telling us that reason doesn't work. If that's the case, then you must take away her choice. Forge ahead with your plan without her. Keep talking about it. Ignore her protests. "It's got to happen, mom. You're not safe and dad is going to drop over." When it's in place, just do it.