How do we get Mom out of the house to see a neurologist to get a dementia diagnosis? I'm in Chicago and Mom is in Florida.

There are 4 types of dementia and basically they can do some testing to see what part of the brain is/isn't functioning property, but to be 100% spot on with diagnosis it is done post mortem. The big question is why does it matter what type of dementia she has? You know her limitation and needs by being around her. Putting a specific name to it won't change it. However, we have noticed with Mom that there are ways to help calm her when she starts to get agitated. Lavender oil on her wrists, blue light at night and intense light therapy in the morning, extra b12, b6 and there are mints with calming effects. They had her on 7 schizophrenia medications before I became POA for health care. We gradually got her off of all but one in a matter of months. Now she is reading the paper again, holding conversations, and back to making menu decisions. The facility she was at had her turned into a zombie we didn't recognize her! But she and all the other residents were easier to control when they were zoned out. Be aware of all their medications and don't be afraid to question them. Facility nurses can get doctors to prescribe medications without your knowledge or permission when they deem it "necessary".

Make appointment for mom with her doctor. Explain the situation to the doctor before the appointment. Take mom to the doctor for evaluation and treatment. Follow his or her advice.

If mom is abusive to your sister, the doctor will need to report this to authorities.

Often the cruel reality is that there is little to nothing that can be done ... until mom is admitted into a hospital and diagnosed. Then, she may be placed in a facility after hospitalization. This is how my client ended up in a memory care unit. Someone walking past her house heard her screaming from the street and called 911. They took client to hospital - likely kicking and screaming. She wouldn't go to an MD either.

You do what you can and realize that it all you can do.
Try to take care of yourself as best you can.

It sounds like your sister is living in the house with your mother? Is that correct?
How is your mother getting wine? However she is - this needs to stop immediately. Take away her cr cards, bank cards, etc.

That her MD 'refuses' to help is a huge red flag to find another MD asap.

Gena / Touch Matters

I agree with most of. the recommendations / advice below:
* Hire an elder law attorney (get legal authority (w/your sister?) and discuss selling the house for income for your mom to have to move into a facility (if house selling is financially needed to support her move)
- That she (mom) won't allow anyone else in the house is something that MUST CHANGE.
- You hire someone and give him or her a key.
* Discuss this with an attorney and APS. You want your mom to be safe as well as what you do being legal. You/r sister need to have the legal authority to make required / necessary decisions.

* At this point, it sounds like your mom needs someone to be there 24/7 - although I might be mistaken about that.

* I recommend you / your sister contact facilities with various levels of care.
They may not take her if she refuses to go however you will definitely need medical determination before they will take her (in memory care) or perhaps in general.

There seems to be (IS) some (legal-?) stigma around the (a) diagnosis of dementia, legally, and to due with facilities. I am not sure what this is about - although it is real. I'd suggest you call and ask what their (facilities) criteria is for taking a person with dementia although say you do not know what level it is - and you currently do not. You might even say she is forgetful vs saying she has dementia. And, do you know for a fact that she does have dementia?

* Some places may have a waiting list.

* Try to do this research before you go so you can visit communities when there, perhaps with your sister.
- Even if your mom doesn't go there sooner than later, it will give you a good idea of what is out there, costs, and availability.

Call APS.

Perhaps get another / new MD for your mom.

If she actually is able to follow your boundaries, then her mental state / dementia may not be as you perceive even though people go 'in and out' of clarity, ability to think logically, etc. Check out Teepa Snow's website and call their office. It is a wealth of support and information.

Let me know how things proceed.

Gena / Touch Matters

kafers1: Retain an elder law attorney.

First, talk to an Elder Law Attorney perhaps where you are who can greatly assist you with legal understanding. Or call an Elder Law Attorney in Florida, see if they will do phone consult or ZOOM with you to get information you need to make decisions for your mother; there certainly seems to be safety issues among others; have her PCP assign
" homehealth" services to help her and this will help sister in meantime while you are assessing the situation and finding placement for her. What if your sister got ill and couldn't supervise support there?
You can tell her it is safety issue for 24/7 care. Have her PCP give you a " level of care needs" assessment so you know if she qualifies for independent, ALF or 24/7 skilled care or maybe memory care placement. You most likely will need to go down there but can do a lot of leg work on phone/ computer.

Please have your sister document mom's behavior with video and ask Adult Protective Services to evaluate her for placement.

An Elder Law Attorney can advise you and sister.

https://www.myflfamilies.com/crisis-services/baker-act

Baker Act mom. Look it up.

Can sis provide phone video of mom’s behavior? Can you? Is sis able to call police if there’s harmful behavior? Police can get the Baker Act ball rolling.

I don’t believe you’d have to be there for this if there’s an ongoing threat. This is a mental illness issue and the Baker Act is there to provide emergency help for those in need. That would be mom and sis.

I’m a former Floridian.

My MIL called 2-1-1 when her neighbor was messed up and begging for leftovers. The neighbor never knew who called (actually told my MIL “Can you believe it? Someone called)”

It’s the United Way hotline and if nothing else, it may be easier to get insight before the legalities of getting FL services involved — and if your mom’s not declared incompetent, she would likely make your role as POA hellish or revoke it.

Get there ASAP! As you stated play the bad guy and if you need - talk to an elder lawyer - well spent money on my end.
If mom takes medication tell her she needs to see the doctor before he will refill them. This worked with my daddy. Once you have her in the car take her to the neurologist. Have a talk with the doctor BEFORE she goes in, let him know whats happening. If she goes tot he hospital then DO NOT LET HER COME HOME! Seek assistance from the hospital social worker that should be assigned to you. I would not let my brother come home, he had a friend bring him and within two hours he was back in the hospital. THEN - he agreed to go to a rehab. Via social worker mom should be placed in a facility that can and will assist her needs. You can also try a group home - I know when I used a group home they were better than the nursing facility my daddy was in. Blessings!

If you are already her POA you don’t need guardianship. You’d still have the same challenge in getting her in for assessment.

I agree you need to go there for about 2 weeks to get anything done. Stay in the house & when she starts saying threatening things or physical threats call 911 right away and tell them she is threatening, is delusional, may have a UTI & won’t allow care. Once she’s transported to ER (take your PoA docs with you) then start working with the medical team to have her moved to their psych wing or unit. Make sure you tell them she is an “unsafe discharge”. Don’t believe any promises to provide help after discharge… they want her out & will not actually help. Been there, done that.

Her alcoholism may add another dimension since she may require a medically supervised detox.

Hopefully your sister is not a co-PoA. She is dysfunctional & an enabler, co-dependent on your Mother. I wish you all the best in getting your Mom the help she needs.

Call Adult Protection Services in Moms County. Your sister is being abused. What can be done to have Mom evaluated and placed in Memory Care or LTC? Sis mentally can't do it anymore. Maybe they will have suggestions or can help to a point.

This is probably a 'boots on the ground' situation. You likely cannot handle all the ins and outs without actually being there--and it sounds as is sis needs the break/help.

Plan on at least 2 weeks, with an open ended flight back home. Do as much as you can before going there--then hit the pavement running.

I'm not in FL and have no idea of their elder laws. COnsulting an elder care atty before you go would not be a bad idea, maybe sis can help with that before you get there.

Good for you, to be able to be the bad guy. Every family needs one.

Hopefully sis will be amenable to the changes and will thank you in the end for stepping up.

Good Luck!!