How do we figure out the best way for my husband's 95-year-old mother to attend our daughter's out-of-town wedding?

Have you thought about her “attending” via Skype or another video FaceTime method? Might work out the best. Have one of the relatives hold the phone/tablet so she gets a great view of the ceremony and gets to greet all the visitors. They can see each other and talk but without all the hassle and difficultly (for both you and her).

She doesn’t want to miss out, and I can understand that! Before the event, maybe take her to visit your daughter and be s part of the festivities. Then, you can also use that to judgethe difficulty level on both you and her. Then suggest the long-distance FaceTime idea. And test it out by making her a part of family nights. Just ideas. Good luck.

Start interviewing and having practice runs right now, even if you have to “splurge” on doubling up her part time caregivers with escort caregiver.
You will all be more comfortable if The Escort is comfortable with his or her client.
Ask her granddaughter to ask the manager of the site of the wedding and reception if the places where she’ll need to be are totally barrier free.
If the ceremony and/or reception are outside, ask Grand Daughter to actually WALK the path to any place where Grandmama will need to travel in her wheelchair, so you will know how to actually navigate sand, pebbles, bridges, sloping terrain and so on.
Find out EXACTLY where lavatories are, and be sure they are also barrier free.
You will be able to request that Escort be served the guest’s dinner, but clarify in advance that escort is expected not to drink while caring for Grandma.
Ask the aides who are with her on a regular basis to develop a list of notes about her daily routines. Make a list of explicit expectations for her escort.
God Bless her fo wanting to attend!

My mother was in Rehab in 2013, broken hip, she didn’t have Dementia then. My daughter was getting married that April, wedding was local. The Rehab referred us to an agency as their CNA’s could not work outside the facility. We got an Aide and she picked my mother up. My mom didn’t stay long, she left after dinner. It worked out ok, but mom didn’t have Dementia and a 45 minute trip.

200 miles is not a 45 minute trip. More like 3 hrs in good traffic.

I think hiring a caregiver is good. I would ask her regular one if she would be willing to care for Mom overnight. One day away from familiar surroundings would be long enough. I would not take her to the Church until the last possible minute. As soon as the service is over, take her out. Ask if pictures can be taken before the wedding service. This way you can get to the reception immediately. Ask that dinner be served as soon as you get there. From that point on have aide watch Mom for any type of anxiety. As soon as she shows any, have aide take her to the hotel. The next morning, have the aide take Mom home.

My mom was late middle stage of dementia when my son had an out of town wedding. It was about a two hour trip so overnight stay was necessary. Naturally, I wanted to be all present of the wedding and not have to worry about what mom was up to.

Other family took responsibility for my mom so I could enjoy. The night before the wedding was miserable for everyone, they had rented a home so they would have space. Mom only wanted to go home and kept everyone up all night long. She was frightened and had no idea where she was. It was not a pleasant experience for those that watched over mom.

Most importantly, remember this is daughter's wedding, her way. How does daughter feel about grandma attending?

Last year son got married in Nantucket. We are a 6 hour car ride away and everyone stayed there for several days. There was no way I would even consider taking my father to that. He had a local party a few months later. I didn't take my father to that either. I considered getting an aide to bring him and take him home but in the end it didn't seem worth all the trouble. I could see him getting there and then getting bored after a half hour if he wasn't the center of attention then wanting to go home. Not worth making all those arrangements for nothing.

Think long and hard about if your mom can really handle something like this. What would happen if she needed to go to the ER due to over exertion....would she expect you to leave your daughter's wedding for that?

That is so sweet! I hope she is able to go. Definitely, neither you nor your husband can be her assistant during the wedding, that has to be an aide. You need to know that whoever is helping her during the trip, wedding, overnight, and so forth, is very competent and can take it on, whatever the situation.
As I commented below, is there a wedding planner helping with this event? If so, enlist their help with some of the details for your MIL.
Is there some way that your daughter could make this a special time for her and her grandmother? It sounds like perhaps they have a close relationship? Could she spend an overnight with her grandmother in the weeks before the wedding, and her future husband could be there too? Maybe she could show her photos of the dress, talk about the wedding party, and so forth. Anything to make her grandmother feel involved. Could she have a trip to help her grandmother find the right dress or outfit? Grandmother corsage, for sure.
If you do decide to proceed, definitely have a best case and worst case scenario blocked out in written form and on hand at the event. Go overboard in having as much detail available as possible so that everything goes smoothly. Hire an extra sitter if necessary. If you can pull this off I think it will provide lovely memories for everyone. Details might include a local doctor, hospital, pharmacy, a hotel that can provide ground level floor and/or handicapped room. If you can splurge on anything it would be money well spent.
Definitely your daughter and her future husband should to plan to spend dedicated time with grandmother during the event if everyone is making the effort to have her there.

So someone has to dedicate over 2 full days being her 24/7 caregiver. Driving her to the wedding and staying with her the entire time? Most health care workers get paid by the hour. Your asking them to do at least 48hrs straight. Not to mention the drive there and back! How many hours is that? How will the caregiver get breaks, time off?

How will they get her in and out of a car seat? What if she falls while trying to get out of the car? Someone can get injured trying to help her. She could wrench their back if she falls on them. Or breaks a hip. More than one trained hospital worker has been injured by a person who fell on them. They were trained. An ambulance at the wedding would not be a good thing. Back injuries can last a long time.
Not to mention how will she get changed if she is incontinent? Hope there is a big enough wheel chair stall. If she can stand long enough, the caregiver has to have room to manuver around the person, their clothes and the chair. If she can stand long enough. Does she stand at all? How is that going to work if she can only be in a wheelchair, and not walk? Nursing homes have hoyer lifts and a bed to change a person. It takes a half hour or more. They cant change a person in the wheelchair, if they cant stand for a few mins. Standing will be much longer if its a bowel mvt.

What about her dementia? Moving her to a new place. That could upset her. She could forget she is going to a wedding. They get scared in unfamiliar places and freak out. Its not pretty having an elderly person scream because they are scared. (Had that happen) . It is not fun tryingvto calm them down.
Where does she go when she needs a nap? Back to the hotel? That might be 5 mins into the ceremony. Will that disrupt the service if she is in front? Youll have to keep her at the back near the door for easy removal if she needs it. Will she be able to see and hear that far back? What happens when she needs to get out of the wheelchair? Can she stand and get out on her own? Pivot to get to a bed, a toilet? She has to be able to stand/pivot to get to the bed to lay down. Someone her age cannot be in a wheelchair for hours. They need to change position to stop blood from pooling, and to stop ulcers from forming. That is why they are put back in bed. And to rest from too much stimulation.

Whoever is taking care of her is doing it for multiple days straight. How do they get a break, or help with her tasks? That would probably be quite $$$ and use of their vehicle or a rented wheelchair van. Quite expensive for just 1 day. I took my dad to dental in wheelchair van. (Siblings idea). It was exausting. It was about 3-4hrs. I cant imagine over 48hrs.

Your going to need more than 1 person dedicated to her care. They need to eat and go to the bathroom, and breaks too. They have to take care of their health too. It is very stressful taking care of the elderly. You are asking a person to go from her home, the car, travel. Stops to let her rest, change her. The hotel/motel that probably doesnt have a wheelchair accessable bathroom, the church, the ceramony, back to the hotel, then the long drive back. The caregiver shouldnt charge a little over min wage. That is a HUGE RESPONSIBLILITY. What about insurance if something happens to mil? You cant cant blame the caregiver for an accident. Mil is a frail 95. You are asking a lot of a caregiver. Too much I think.

Best bet is to skype/video the wedding. Have her watch it live. The bride and groom can even menton her, and have everyone say hi to her. She can see the celebration. They can make a toast to her too. She will feel included then. Have her wear something special to sit in her fav chair at home to watch. Even if its just a corsage. A phone call from the bride as shes having her makeup done. Pass the phone so everyone says hi. Take her some cake after the ceremony. A special vid/toast just for her from the couple. Done b4 the wedding. Takes 2 minutes. Or a special note.

When my son got married, my Mom was in the middle stages of dementia. The wedding was only an hour away & her caregiver was going to take her & be by her side the entire time, leaving when she thought Mom could handle no more. In the end we decided even that was too much for Mom and didn’t have her attend. Were we all disappointed? Of course. Did we get past it? Yes. Do we regret it? No.

Putting emotion aside, do you really think your mom could tolerate such a drastic change to her routine? If she is as home bound as you say, then there is your answer. You don’t want your memories of the day to be how it all affected Mom.

Too much for her. Have someone do a video of wedding. Daughter can visit her later.

I think it depends on the person/s. Can you take your Mom out for a normal occasion, out to dinner for example? I take my Mom out for an overnight for her birthday annually and it is still going well at 91. Is she appropriate, can she converse with people talking about things she knows about? How mobile is she? Does she eat in a social way? About 18 months ago, I took her out of state to Michigan. She said and I agreed - last time. However, for a wedding I'd probably still try it. it was just tiring for her, had to be more mindful of pacing, not so many visits in one day, time for a nap, activities with just the 2 of us. But when interacting with family - she seemed pretty good. Next year my daughter will have a big recital - not as big a deal as a wedding but an event and I'll need to decide what to do. Oh - if you do it - maybe have some UTI antibiotics on hand in case you notice symptoms like that - could derail things.

If you are all onboard for Grandma to go, then by all means Find someone through her Insurance company to accompany her for at least the Wedding and talk about how long she should stay at the Reception.
She is 95 and believe me, If she would miss out on this wedding, She could come back to haunt you all one day.....Seriously.
At any rate, It is a dream of hers before Leaving Mother earth someday.

Can someone use Skype to provide real-time opportunity for her to view the ceremony from home? If you have options or alternatives that are viable and can be discussed in advance, maybe that will suffice if she know she can still be included in some way. Going to the event is obviously far more complicated and could possibly cause increased anxiety and stress which could create unknown problems. You, as mother of the bride, are going to need to maintain your focus on all the other necessary tasks. May want to seriously consider taking the less risky route and trying Skype or video sharing. Hopefully your mother can be receptive to such alternatives if we’ll planned or thought out prior to introducing them. Best wishes in whatever you decide.

JuliaRose this is a Fabulous Idea and the next best thing to being there. :)

You can make it happen if you plan it properly. Every thing about her should be very well planned and a team should dedicated to this orocess
1 have all her information for 911 ready printed in a folder. Have a master sheet to hand over to 911
2 check about the hospital and time 911 etc
3 have dedicated care giver 24 hr shift and book rooms etc for them
4. All moms needs to be cared by the team and you do not get involved other than supervision
transpo to and from should be handled by professional service.

JanieR- I'm going to speak from the heart. Do whatever you can to get your mother to go. It would mean a huge amount to her and this is such an important moment to her, as well as you & your child. But to make this happen I would plan this out out as much as possible. I would really see if you could get the daily caregiver to go a long, that can help a great deal ( Or maybe even another good caregiver, who you like or does a good job). I know you face all these obstacles, but, with a lot of planning, this work effectively. Do this before your mother goes to deeply into dementia. I feel this is an important act of love on your part. But I also wish you only the very best with it, it's not an easy situation.

Yes, you can make this happen. If within tolerable driving distance use a larger model SUV with a memory foam mattress topper for her to lie down . Take a sturdy step stool for assisting getting her in and out. Take a travel chair for easier transporting. For incontinence try TENA brand pads with diaper ..pack her a bag with extra supplies/ pants. Yes take a caregiver .
For airline and hotels. When booking ticket advise you will need assistance through the airport and boarding on and off but will have your own chair...saves waiting time. Be sure caregiver has her do toe and heel lifts during the journey and stay to help avoid blood clots. See you tube. Advise hotel you need a handicap room so there's support bars and hopefully a bench in shower . She with caregiver can rest around event times. We also brought food into mom when she was too tired to get out. Airline was very good getting my mom thru airport and boarding quickly . She's 84 and not able to help herself much. You're an angel for making this happen for this lucky lady ! P.S. Just read the negative feedback ...all things considered again this is a doable thing and it's not about the caregiver. It's rather about what could a final request of family by this lady. Yes, she could fall..but could happen at home. The right experienced caregiver/s can manage in my (healthcare background) opinion. I would be willing to do this again for my Mom . Yes, it was tiring..took her a couple of months to gain her strength back but she had no regrets. For some of the people she saw and visited, that trip would be the last opportunity for them to visit...like her brother. In the end weigh it all out but personally I wouldn't let the what ifs spoil something she really wants to do.
Cheryl

My vote is NO due to the dementia and incontinence plus the distance and the overnight.
It's JUST. TOO. MUCH! (for her, you, and especially the caregiver)

Take advantage of modern technology and have her attend via skype or facetime.
Arrange this well in advance and get it set up and tested.
Make sure she is acknowledged during the ceremony and have a coursage for her to wear at home. Have her a special cupcake (if she is allowed sweets) that is the same flavor as the wedding cake.

After being a caregiver for my husband (who passed away at 61 from dementia) and caregiver for both parents (93 year old Dad still lives with me), I vote to not take her but include her. My nephew recorded my Mom saying a prayer and blessing for the wedding. We got her dressed in a fancy dress, makeup and earrings and she was so excited. He had the video played at the appropriate time and also had the wedding on FaceTime so she could watch. She was thrilled- and relieved. She so wanted to “go” but knew how difficult it would be for her and us. But, this allowed her not only the chance to witness the ceremony but be part of it. It was a wedding 150 miles away and she was so happy- especially because she was dressed for it. Be creative. She probably is excited about the occasion but also understands her limitations and my be happy to be the special person at the wedding. Good luck and Congratulations...👍

She doesn't have many more functions to be able to attend at her age and this is a big one. If it can be afforded, I would ask the caregiver does she mind coming. If not, see if there is an agency near the wedding venue that can come to tend to MIL. Definitely use a wheelchair, I prefer the transport wheelchair, all four tires are small and so much easier to maneuver around tight corners. I would also consider a portable commode for the hotel or wherever you will stay overnight. incontinence issues can be assisted with a commode next to the bed. Good luck.

this is not an easy decision to make.She probably isn't up to the trip and all
the festivities but if you don't take her, you might feel guilty for not taking her.It depends on how emotionally strong you and your husband are. If she will be
agreeable and content with being cared for 24/7 by an aide, then
her. Only you know how she will react.to this arrangement. That may be your
deciding factor.....but....ENJOY THE WEDDING.....glori

It always depends on the individual. Perhaps you could pay someone to watch her at the wedding? I know of an elderly man who was taken overseas on a fairly long plane trip to attend a wedding. There were some challenges, but he made it back OK.

JanieR;

Those closest to MIL would know best/can better gauge how she might handle the associated trip/activities. It would be great to have grandmother there, but more is at play here.

Our mother was in early stages of dementia, no medical issues, living alone, able to walk, eat, bathroom, etc on her own. It was not far - maybe an hour plus to my son's wedding. She did okay, as far as I know. One of my brothers stayed at her place, brought her to/from and sat with her. I did not see much of her as I was involved in the celebration. The biggest issue occurred before even going to the wedding. She did not try on her choice of clothing to wear beforehand. On my way to the ceremony I get text. Yeah, brother, deal with it! I can't do anything about it while I'm driving!!! In your case, you have other factors to consider.

You say she lives alone, has caregivers come twice/day. It sounds like she is "independent" enough to handle a wedding, but, although others mention the cost, incontinence, etc, the more important factors to consider are:

1) can she manage a trip that long (just the driving part)
2) can she manage being out of her "element", aka being/living in unfamiliar territory
3) can she sit through a long service
4) no mention made of the reception, however that alone is usually several hours

IF you can hire aides who transport her there/care for her 24/7 for several days, you have to consider these. The expense wouldn't bother me if it was a positive outcome. Incontinent? Adult disposable undergarments can help. If she needs changing, the aides would be there.

Most of our mom's "outings" are short trips, most way less than 2 hours. The longer the trip, the more exhausted she is (also 95 at this time.) Does your MIL currently go out? If so, for how long? How long before she is "ready" to go home. Before the move to MC 2 years ago, we brought her there (hour+ each way.) On return, she didn't remember what we were there for. She thought it was my brother looking for a home and thanked me for taking her, but said she wouldn't go next time (almost 3 years ago, so still early stage and able to get by on her own.)

Our mom doesn't like going out. When she was living alone she became less receptive to going out (agrees/eager initially, but when the time came she would balk!) She was self-isolating then and more so now. Generally I arrange to eat meals in the facility with her. Shortly after the meal, she goes back to the table/magazines.

A service can be an ordeal - depends on how it is set up, but I would guess at least an hour. Can mom tolerate that? How disruptive would it be if she becomes upset and/or has to leave? 

The reception is usually several hours and can be quite overwhelming to someone with dementia. Loud, busy, lots of people, etc. Granted, if she has aides, she might get through a meal and then leave before it becomes too much.

So, factor these in. If she gets overwhelmed/overstimulated by any shorter outings or interface with large groups, this might not work very well. Definitely don't ask a friend or family member to do the care duty - you are aware what that entails!

The only suggestions I can make are:
1) Have a dry run - a smaller outing, at least several hours of driving/staying elsewhere. If that doesn't go well, nix this wedding idea!
2) Perhaps before or after the actual wedding, could arrangements be made to have the "wedding" done locally? A small, simple ceremony that she can tolerate better without the need to travel/live away from her usual home? Hire a small hall/venue, invite only close family or friends and have the wedding/after celebration/dinner all in one place. The cost of hiring people/transport/accommodations for all might be enough to pay for a small ceremony locally. That way MIL can be part of the "wedding" but avoid all the issues that could arise. You DO want the actual wedding to be daughter's special day, not marred by any potential issues with MIL!

My 89 year old mom has advanced Parkinsons and is wheelchair bound so we have had to deal with this sort of situation multiple times. She too has long term care insurance. It sounds like your mom is a one person assist so this seems like it is doable to me. If she is a 2 person assist then you would need to hire 2 caregivers which could make it cost prohibitive.
If the wedding is not too soon you could start asking around to friends for referrals of persons who might be willing to take your mom on an overnight trip like this if her current caregiver is not willing to do this. I have hired many of my friends to be my moms caregiver over the years and it has worked out great.
Get this person approved as a caregiver for your mom prior to the event. Work out a daily rate for what they will be paid. Rent a comfortable car to meet her transportation needs as I would not have the caregiver take her car as the mileage will rack up quickly and you want to make sure mom is comfortable. Plan out a fun adventure for them with maybe a fun stop or 2 along the way.
For the day of the wedding ask one of your relatives who will be there if they might be able to assist the caregiver if anything comes up that the caregiver could message them for help if needed. You do not want to be involved at all in the care of your mom on this day should an urgent matter arise.
If your mom can not eat on her own without assistance and making a mess then I would consider having her eat prior to the reception. My mom can not feed herself without making a huge mess and I am uncomfortable having her eat in public as it can be hard to watch for others. So I choose not to put her in this situation when it is a nice event and just have her eat prior to the event.
For me the decision would boil down to can one person care for your mom or does she need two people to transfer her? If she is a 2 person assist then I would not have my mom attend the wedding unless money is no issue.
Good luck.

An angle to consider: Do your able-bodied family members - including bride & groom - travel 200 miles to visit Grandma on her own turf?

If so, how recently and how often?

A common family dynamic is for everyone to p*ss away the un-dramatic opportunities to connect with the aging elder. Too busy, too boring, it’s depressing to see grandma that way, bla bla.

Then voila, One Big Event is chosen as the benchmark for loyalty and togetherness. At all costs - literally and figuratively.

I feel like Katmar’s suggestion is the happy medium.

Definitely ask her current caregiver if she'd go with her. She's the one who's most familiar with her quirks and issues.

We brought an aide to help my mom at my dad's funeral. She was wonderful, made sure Mom had water and food, got to the bathroom, and I was able to represent the family better without that worry.

If it was closer, then I’d say take the aide for the day & wear diaper w pad . But this most likely involves overnight & hotel w caregiver. This should be a celebration but all this involves a lot of work & additional $$$ for hiring daytime & overnight caregivers. I take my mother out on day trips but I take caregiver along & put diaper & pad on mother. She don’t walk or stand with out machine & is incontinent. Also, she has dementia & sometimes has loud angry outbursts. Good luck with what you decide. Congrats on daughter’s wedding!

I would consider it a wedding expense, and hire *three* excellent caregivers to go with her, and pay for them to have a hotel room next to hers. That way one of them is with her at all times, but they can take shifts, and have backup support from each other as needed.
Absolutely, giving her the gift of seeing her daughter married is the most important thing she may be hanging onto life for right now. Her being physically present will be so important for her. I think it's worth the money, but of course I don't know your situation.
My mother died last year after a long haul with stubborn independence and dementia. Believe me, you don't want to live with regrets about how you might have included her more in family events. Such regrets haunt me.

If it were my family I know how important and meaningful it would be to have grandma there as much time as she could be. That said it's just as important the family members be able to fully enjoy the event without having to worry about grandma's care. If there is a more distant to the bride relative who can help either care for or over see the care for grandma that seems ideal to me (a cousin or aunt/uncle for instance) someone who isn't as close to the wedding events but of course wants to be there, is close to grandma and might even appreciate having the time and responsibility. But even with that she, you all will be better off with a professional care giver she knows and who knows her, going as well. I know her regular caregiver has a family but perhaps she would be willing to help everyone out here and you can find a way whether it be through coverage and a bonus or what have you to find a way to make it well worth their while too. Even if they agree without knowing you will give them an extra bonus it's the right thing to do if you can. She is the most ideal person because she knows Grandmas patters, needs and tells best and GM knows and trust her as well. Depending on a variety of things the changes could be disorienting and hard on GM so both having her in her best shape and someone who knows how to deal with her will make things so much easier on everyone and her regular caregiver is the one best able to do this, a substitute isn't going to be even close to the same. Again having various family members around will probably help as well as wear her out (which might help her sleep better)but her regular caregiver, who hopefully knows some of the key players anyway, is the best person to know and pick up on GM cues about when she needs what, when it's time to leave etc and none of you should have to worry about that other than perhaps again an extended family member who is in charge of transporting them to and from events. That would be the ideal from my perspective anyway and it might give people who want to contribute somehow a way to do that. Good luck and CONGRATULATIONS! Enjoy!!

Ask her regular aide first just because of the familiarity factor but know it is 50/50 chance - say that you are asking on an off-chance but she has no obligation

If she can't do it then hire someone to do so - try a community college where they train either nurses or nurse's aides as they will have some training in her needs - then have this person take grandma out twice as dry runs - also then grandma will become more familiar the person too

This way you can give a student [who probably needs money] a step up & you get time off - bonus is give that person a reference if they work well & possibly you may be able hire that person occationally for other times