How do we deal with parent addicted to cigs who is frustrated because she can't smoke whenever she wants?

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We do our best to be with her just because but seems her biggest concern is getting her smoke. She is getting angry with all of us. Would like to put the patch on her but struggle with taking away even one more thing. Anyone deal with this situation? I hate seeing her so unhappy, She blames us for putting her in the nursing home even though she cannot take care of herself and is dealing with stage 4 lung cancer. Thinking of putting the patch on her but know she will not agree. Do we just let her remain angry with us until she leaves us? We asked about vapor cigs but were told this was not an option. Any ideas?

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cclarnie, I agree with the others above, your Mom is already in stage 4 lung cancer so quitting cigarettes isn't going to make her get better.... might as well let her smoke to her heart's content if that makes her happy, and if the nursing home allows it outside.

The anger is that she has lung cancer, something that could have been prevented in most cases, and she probably knows that but won't admit it. So she is lashing out at whomever is around. Let her vent.
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Thank you all for your concern and caring answers. Both my sister and I are 1 1/2 hrs away from our Mom. My brothers are closer, but not one of us can get her outside as often as she wants. Family is the only ones who can take her out by law.
So, not sure if the anger is about the frequency of the smoke or just being there.
Wouldn't it be easier if she were feeling less agitated by wanting to smoke and our not being there enough to satisfy her? If she was using the patch, maybe so. Hospice took some of her medication away because she kept falling. We will meet with them this week to talk about that and she if some of this anger may be medicine induced. When she was first put in the home, she was sad but not angry.
The anger if very new and very unlike the natural temperament of my mom.
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She is angry with you (she says) because she is in a nursing home. She is probably angry in general that she has lost her independence and has a fatal disease. And somewhere deep down she knows that is not your fault, but still you are a handy target for all that anger.

I'm not quite seeing where the smoking fits in. Whether she is smoking or not or on the patch, she is still going to be in the nursing home. She is still going to be dying. Won't she still be angry?

How hard is it to get her to the area where she may smoke? Is it just a matter of wheeling her to a patio? Can she get there herself? Or is she bedbound and it is a huge hassle to get her to the smoking area? Personally, I'd try to arrange for her to smoke as often as you can if that is feasible at all.

If it is simply not feasible for her to smoke, then offering the patch and letting her make up her mind is the best you can do.

My mother smoked for 78 years. I am so glad that while she lived with my sister for 14 months that they got her to use e-cigs. By the time she needed a care center it was not that big a deal to have a patch for a while and give smoking up altogether. I see residents going outside to smoke, even when it is very cold, and glad she isn't going with them. But, your mother is still a smoker and you must deal with that.
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I have to say that right now smoking is the least and yet the most of your worries and I do understand. I was a smoker of cigarettes now an e-vaper as they call us and I have to say that at first all was well and could and we were allowed to vape now we can't. In fact in the UK there is more fuss made about us vaping than there is about drinking alcohol or doing drugs (the NOT over the counter sort!).

Quite frankly with stage 4 lung cancer whether she smokes or not is neither here nor there to her health for the damage is done. I know there are inhalators out there that are the closest to cigarettes that you will get but still not that close (IMHO)

I am allergic to the patches in a big way so not an option for me and she won't be able to use the sprays.
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She may be more open to the gum or lozenges. I am surprised she still wants to smoke, because her lungs probably hurt. But nicotine is a powerful addiction. I wonder why vaping is not an option. One of our members here had a smoking mother who started using the e-cigs. Vaping is being outlawed in many facilities, though, so people apparently don't like it for some reason. I personally think it is a lot better than inhaling smoke.

Maybe if you say that she can't continue to smoke and needs to choose patches, gum, or lozenges, it will give her a sense of control in choosing. And it will certainly take the edge off the addiction if the highest dose is used.

I wish the cancer wasn't so advanced.
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Is she on Hospice? Is she on any medications to calm her general agitation and sadness about the fact that she's dying?

This must be very hard, and very sad for you all. Is her doctor advising a nicotine patch? If she refuses it, aren't' you also allowed to refuse to be at her beck and call?
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