Good responses here. Actually my Dad's car was removed first as he stayed with me for a bit and I didn't bring it back. He was asking and getting annoyed. Different though as he was pulled over in fog probably disoriented and officer helped him home but also sent a report to MVA - worst thing I had to deal with. Ton of paperwork and doc appointments. He the took driving test 3 times. Then we hired the personal eval that came to home and took him out and no go. Dad had a great record and was a pretty good driver but not good enough for passing the test and backing in to a parking spot and turning head all the way back at a yield sign. They suspended his licence.
You can report another driver to motor vehicle but the paperwork and anguish this causes. Dad was 87 I believe. I had his cousin call him to calm him down when I told him I wasn't bringing the car back. This was now a legal issue - suspended license and if he drove and something happened - he or I could have been sued.
I told him that the state didn't want drivers over 85 driving. Of course I then had to begin driving him where he needed to go. He was very upset and kept asking and asking for his car - terrible. I truly believe this stress and and anguish advanced his cognitive abilities. He just started to go downhill more. He also focused on this for a couple of years. It tore me up.
Involving some friends to help explain may help. Doc/Nurse is another option. That's when communities with golf carts help but if dementia involved the driver could end up on a road versus the neighborhood. Try to keen reinforcing it was done for her safety and the care you have for her. Highlight the positives such as saving $ on car insurance, gas and maintenance - if you sell the car. Sometimes keeping the car can be ok as they see it but then I wonder if more frustrating that they see but can't drive. Tough one. Accept she may just stay mad for a while.
Wondering if local senior centers have seminars about this issue geared to the senior and family - they should - someone could incorporate humor into it but enforce it was done for their safety and to remove the stress of family worry.
wondering about golf carts, do you know if there are any rules about this ? I would think a golf cart is still a murder weapon on wheels for pedestrians. I drive one and love it, much easier than a car, but not sure I would want Mom behind the wheel (and brake!).
My mother can barely ambulate, handle keys, get in or out of a car, and has dementia and she still wants to drive. And she’s mad as a hornet. There is no easy way around the impact. There is no reasoning with her about anything, and she wouldn’t listen to a doctor either. Just know you did the right thing.
From your profile: "My 81 year old mother has dementia. She lives in Florida with my sister ,who has mental issues.,but does what she can for my mother. I live in jersey,going to move to moms house in the near future."
So it's your sister who is bearing the brunt of your mother's nasty and threatening behavior? Has she become your mother's driver? How is it going for your sister living with your mother? And are you also going to move in in the near future? (Are you sure this is a wise idea?)
I’m currently going through the same thing. I don’t think my father will ever will forgive me. With his dementia he doesn’t reason well so I’m not really sure he can forgive. I really hate to be the “bad guy” daughter but I’m the one who chose to take care of him. My sister didn’t want him. He just loves her, his other daughter, who lives out of state and didn’t have to take away his independence. It’s funny, he calls her and tells her what terrible things I’ve done to him (Like report his driving) and she says I’m so sorry dad you have to go through that. I guess I didn’t realize how difficult care giving would be. Of course If I let him do whatever he pleases I’m sure he would view me the same way as my sister but I have to keep him safe and do what’s right (I took a screen shot of the answers on this thread, great advice). Best wishes to you
Just like a kid! Mom/Dad are so mean they won't let me do anything or have this or go there.... But Aunty (or granny) lets me do/have all these things! They are nice!!! Mom/Dad are not nice! I'm telling Aunty (or granny) all these terrible things they do!
It is a thankless job, and in general the person they interact with most is the one who gets all the crap!
We had the doctor talk to her and he told her she had to turn her keys over. He said it was his and her family’s responsibility to keep her and others safe. We gave her car to a grandson who needed one for college. It was 8 years ago and she still complains about it
I think 95% of elders who get keys taken away are mad about it. And stay mad for a long time! It has to be done, but it's hard.
It may help if you go with Mom to her next doctor's appointment and mention about the driving beforehand. Doctor can then mention it to Mom. Sometimes elders take the no-driving news much better from doctors than their adult children.
My grandfather was getting macular degeneration and early stage dementia. His car was getting the dents and dings from his trips to the grocery store, and we knew we'd have to take the keys and he would NOT be happy. My mom went with him to an ophthalmologist appointment. Without my mom even prompting the doctor, he told grandfather kindly but firmly that he could not drive anymore. To our surprise, he accepted the doctor's words and never drove again. I think if we'd tried to take them on our own, he'd have put up a huge fight.
For mom, first the back of the driver mirror was gone. Oh, it was there the last time I drove it! Sure it was. Next was a call for help to fix a flat tire. I brought my tire pump, and then just gaped at the mess! Tire was split from rim to ground, the rim was damaged, the metal around the wheel well was half off and bent and the rear tire had some damage too! Geez mom, what did you hit? Nothing. I had to use my AAA to get it to mechanic, replace the rims and tires. Oi! It also developed white stripes on both front fenders, from scraping the garage trim.
Last thing a 90+ yo with mac deg, hearing loss and early dementia needs is an 8-cylinder behemoth!
You did the right thing taking the car keys away. It's tough to handle but you can't let someone be a danger to themselves and others on the road. I think you and your family are probably just going to have to suck it up when she starts on about it. There's not much you can do. Everyone here had good ideas like getting people to give her rides and take her places because that will help. Ultimately, you'll just have to out up with her complaining and berating you about it.
You've taken your mother's property. Did you think she'd be grateful?
I'm not saying you were wrong to take the keys, although there might have been subtler ways to stop her driving if you are correct that she is no longer able to do so safely. But what did you expect?
How does your mother get about now she no longer has access to a car?
Subtler way? What would that be? With dementia I am hard-pressed to even think of a subtler way to accomplish this. Fibs, maybe, but if they don't remember them, they are only going to remember the car and that it is gone, at least for a while, so it will be rough going for a bit. Seems like perhaps it is best to just make it disappear without any discussion and keep saying it's in the shop for repairs, until they hopefully forget about it.
I was the one who brought up the need to take the car before she kills herself or someone else, and I was there during the "chat" YB had with mom. She looked like a 5 yo who got caught in the cookie jar. He was nice. He was gentle. He explained all that blah blah blah, but basically it was in one ear and gone shortly after (dementia.) I just stood behind him and said NOTHING. On the way out, I suggested disabling it, as I was sure she had another key. He disconnected the battery.
Next day, who gets the NASTY phone call about taking her key? Me of course! I told her I didn't touch her key, which was the truth. When she asked who did, I just told her you're so smart, you figure it out. Day 2, she calls me again, even NASTIER, demanding I get down there and fix whatever I did to her car. So, there WAS another key and she managed to find it. I told her I didn't touch her car, which was the truth again. I only suggested disabling it. She asked what's wrong with it then. Only then did I have to fib, saying I'm not a mechanic, I have no idea! That, thankfully, was sufficient. At some point, we took it away, to my mechanic and got it sold. The money for it was put into her account.
At some point she understood we took the car, but then it became more like begging, saying she doesn't go far and whining about losing her "wheels". The only thing I said about it was I didn't care if she went 2 feet - if you hit someone, they will sue you and you will lose EVERYTHING!
Later that morphed into her saying the worst thing she did was give up her "wheels", as if!
So, certainly there was no expectation for her to be grateful, but to be SO nasty AND to blame it all on the one who said nothing, didn't touch the key and did nothing... This was one reason I deferred to the bros to do the actual move to MC later - I did 99% of the legwork to find a place, get ready for the move and have all documents in place. I figured if I wasn't part of the move, not even in the background, then perhaps I wouldn't get the blame. Not sure how it worked, but although I half expected to get blamed anyway, she never did blame me or ask me to take her back - she saved that for YB when he visited.
You simply tell her that she is no longer able to drive as she constitutes a danger to herself and others, and say it gently, and tell her that this is a big life change that is very difficult for her and you understand that, and are so very sorry. Repeat that until she tires of it. It is a fact. It is worth raging and fury and grief over the fact that at the end of life every single thing is taken from us one thing at a time, and in the end, dignity and choice go as well. It is worth the grief and anger. But it is NOT your fault. Sympathize with her. And tell her there is nothing in your power to do about it. Don't argue. No one really wins and argument.
If possible get the car away from the house. Fib a little. Car broke down, towed to the dealer, part hasn’t come in yet etc. it’s better if she doesn’t see the car all the time.
If you have legal rights to do so sell the car at market value and put the money in moms account.
My dad was looking for his car for 2 years after he went into care. It was a battle. I quit trying to explain, he would never accept that he had dementia and wasn’t safe. So, fib, divert, fib some more, just tried to keep him calm.
I think the two hardest elder issues are taking the car and getting elders into care.
I have been in your shoes and it isn't pleasant I know. My mom has always loved to drive throughout her whole life. She was always tooling around somewhere. Around 2013, she began to get lost frequently even to the point she was supposed to meet me for lunch after we both left the same place in our own cars. She never did show up and I had called her all afternoon until she finally answered around 5 p.m.
Another incident happened with a family friend who told me this a year or so after the fact. My mom ran a red light with her friend in the car. The friend told her five adult children and they said they never wanted my mom to drive her anywhere. When they did go out together, the friend did the driving. Whenever I was with her since my dad died in 2004, I always did the driving. When my husband and I went to my mom's house, he happened to find a speeding ticket laying around. From what I gather she paid it on the spot.
Finally, in 2014 she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. One of her siblings had her take a trip to where she lived for three months while I took care of some things down here. I figured when she returned that it would be a good time to take away her car keys. I knew it was going to be awful and it was. No matter how I tried to explain that I didn't want her to kill or injure herself and/or others as well as I didn't want her to feel guilty and I certainly didn't want to feel guilty either. I asked her for her keys as well as any spare sets. I still wasn't sure if she gave all of them to me so I put a steering wheel lock on and took the key home with me. When I would go over there for a visit, I unlocked it and I drove her wherever we were going and then before I left put it back on. My husband still thinks she never forgave us for doing that and she hung onto it for at least three years.
She is no longer able to walk and is on hospice in a new facility in their memory care unit so she is long past the driving issue. I had sold her car in 2015 to some friends of ours.
You will have to learn to turn a deaf ear. Every time my mom would bring it up, she would be upset and each time I explained why she shouldn't be driving to the point I sounded like a broken record. I know she probably told her siblings and I was probably made out to be the bad guy but the alternative would be something horrible happens that I'd have to live with the rest of my life. There may even have been some liability on my part if I knowingly let her drive with an Alzheimer's diagnosis. No way was that going to happen to me. I had a moral obligation. I'll take the anger over that any day. Trust me - this will pass in time as your mom's disease progresses and it will be long forgotten!
What I did was try to replace this loss with rides from trusted family, friends, neighbors and church members. I did need to do the coordinating, but I also gave the drivers gc's to their favorite places to eat, enough to cover both their meals. This way the outing was also a social event. This still works well.
Dear "Geaton777," - what a good idea as well as a nice gesture giving the drivers gift cards to their favorite places and making it a social event. I'm glad that worked out for you with your mom's situation and still continues to work well.
I've been through this. It's awful - but you are doing the right thing. Stick to your guns on this! In my case, elder lacked the ability to even get TO the car - let alone get in it (without falling). She, of course, felt she should be allowed to "try" driving. But with her cognitive status and a zillion co-morbidities... Physically, even if she managed to get to the car, I am as certain as I can be that she would not have remembered how to start it and back out of the drive safely, etc. Even when she was "well" she had been in a couple of suspicious fender benders - of course those were never her fault. Right. I was fortunate that neuro doc did not even give her a chance to ask about driving. He told her to forget it. In my area, elders can take a safe driving course. But doc even said he would not even recommend the course for her. Just no more driving. Thank goodness!! It was nice to have that support of the doctor.
You can report another driver to motor vehicle but the paperwork and anguish this causes. Dad was 87 I believe. I had his cousin call him to calm him down when I told him I wasn't bringing the car back. This was now a legal issue - suspended license and if he drove and something happened - he or I could have been sued.
I told him that the state didn't want drivers over 85 driving. Of course I then had to begin driving him where he needed to go. He was very upset and kept asking and asking for his car - terrible. I truly believe this stress and and anguish advanced his cognitive abilities. He just started to go downhill more. He also focused on this for a couple of years. It tore me up.
Involving some friends to help explain may help. Doc/Nurse is another option. That's when communities with golf carts help but if dementia involved the driver could end up on a road versus the neighborhood. Try to keen reinforcing it was done for her safety and the care you have for her. Highlight the positives such as saving $ on car insurance, gas and maintenance - if you sell the car. Sometimes keeping the car can be ok as they see it but then I wonder if more frustrating that they see but can't drive. Tough one. Accept she may just stay mad for a while.
Wondering if local senior centers have seminars about this issue geared to the senior and family - they should - someone could incorporate humor into it but enforce it was done for their safety and to remove the stress of family worry.
Best of luck to you
So it's your sister who is bearing the brunt of your mother's nasty and threatening behavior? Has she become your mother's driver? How is it going for your sister living with your mother? And are you also going to move in in the near future? (Are you sure this is a wise idea?)
It is a thankless job, and in general the person they interact with most is the one who gets all the crap!
It may help if you go with Mom to her next doctor's appointment and mention about the driving beforehand. Doctor can then mention it to Mom. Sometimes elders take the no-driving news much better from doctors than their adult children.
My grandfather was getting macular degeneration and early stage dementia. His car was getting the dents and dings from his trips to the grocery store, and we knew we'd have to take the keys and he would NOT be happy. My mom went with him to an ophthalmologist appointment. Without my mom even prompting the doctor, he told grandfather kindly but firmly that he could not drive anymore. To our surprise, he accepted the doctor's words and never drove again. I think if we'd tried to take them on our own, he'd have put up a huge fight.
For mom, first the back of the driver mirror was gone. Oh, it was there the last time I drove it! Sure it was. Next was a call for help to fix a flat tire. I brought my tire pump, and then just gaped at the mess! Tire was split from rim to ground, the rim was damaged, the metal around the wheel well was half off and bent and the rear tire had some damage too! Geez mom, what did you hit? Nothing. I had to use my AAA to get it to mechanic, replace the rims and tires. Oi! It also developed white stripes on both front fenders, from scraping the garage trim.
Last thing a 90+ yo with mac deg, hearing loss and early dementia needs is an 8-cylinder behemoth!
I'm not saying you were wrong to take the keys, although there might have been subtler ways to stop her driving if you are correct that she is no longer able to do so safely. But what did you expect?
How does your mother get about now she no longer has access to a car?
I was the one who brought up the need to take the car before she kills herself or someone else, and I was there during the "chat" YB had with mom. She looked like a 5 yo who got caught in the cookie jar. He was nice. He was gentle. He explained all that blah blah blah, but basically it was in one ear and gone shortly after (dementia.) I just stood behind him and said NOTHING. On the way out, I suggested disabling it, as I was sure she had another key. He disconnected the battery.
Next day, who gets the NASTY phone call about taking her key? Me of course! I told her I didn't touch her key, which was the truth. When she asked who did, I just told her you're so smart, you figure it out. Day 2, she calls me again, even NASTIER, demanding I get down there and fix whatever I did to her car. So, there WAS another key and she managed to find it. I told her I didn't touch her car, which was the truth again. I only suggested disabling it. She asked what's wrong with it then. Only then did I have to fib, saying I'm not a mechanic, I have no idea! That, thankfully, was sufficient. At some point, we took it away, to my mechanic and got it sold. The money for it was put into her account.
At some point she understood we took the car, but then it became more like begging, saying she doesn't go far and whining about losing her "wheels". The only thing I said about it was I didn't care if she went 2 feet - if you hit someone, they will sue you and you will lose EVERYTHING!
Later that morphed into her saying the worst thing she did was give up her "wheels", as if!
So, certainly there was no expectation for her to be grateful, but to be SO nasty AND to blame it all on the one who said nothing, didn't touch the key and did nothing... This was one reason I deferred to the bros to do the actual move to MC later - I did 99% of the legwork to find a place, get ready for the move and have all documents in place. I figured if I wasn't part of the move, not even in the background, then perhaps I wouldn't get the blame. Not sure how it worked, but although I half expected to get blamed anyway, she never did blame me or ask me to take her back - she saved that for YB when he visited.
If you have legal rights to do so sell the car at market value and put the money in moms account.
My dad was looking for his car for 2 years after he went into care. It was a battle. I quit trying to explain, he would never accept that he had dementia and wasn’t safe. So, fib, divert, fib some more, just tried to keep him calm.
I think the two hardest elder issues are taking the car and getting elders into care.
I have been in your shoes and it isn't pleasant I know. My mom has always loved to drive throughout her whole life. She was always tooling around somewhere. Around 2013, she began to get lost frequently even to the point she was supposed to meet me for lunch after we both left the same place in our own cars. She never did show up and I had called her all afternoon until she finally answered around 5 p.m.
Another incident happened with a family friend who told me this a year or so after the fact. My mom ran a red light with her friend in the car. The friend told her five adult children and they said they never wanted my mom to drive her anywhere. When they did go out together, the friend did the driving. Whenever I was with her since my dad died in 2004, I always did the driving. When my husband and I went to my mom's house, he happened to find a speeding ticket laying around. From what I gather she paid it on the spot.
Finally, in 2014 she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. One of her siblings had her take a trip to where she lived for three months while I took care of some things down here. I figured when she returned that it would be a good time to take away her car keys. I knew it was going to be awful and it was. No matter how I tried to explain that I didn't want her to kill or injure herself and/or others as well as I didn't want her to feel guilty and I certainly didn't want to feel guilty either. I asked her for her keys as well as any spare sets. I still wasn't sure if she gave all of them to me so I put a steering wheel lock on and took the key home with me. When I would go over there for a visit, I unlocked it and I drove her wherever we were going and then before I left put it back on. My husband still thinks she never forgave us for doing that and she hung onto it for at least three years.
She is no longer able to walk and is on hospice in a new facility in their memory care unit so she is long past the driving issue. I had sold her car in 2015 to some friends of ours.
You will have to learn to turn a deaf ear. Every time my mom would bring it up, she would be upset and each time I explained why she shouldn't be driving to the point I sounded like a broken record. I know she probably told her siblings and I was probably made out to be the bad guy but the alternative would be something horrible happens that I'd have to live with the rest of my life. There may even have been some liability on my part if I knowingly let her drive with an Alzheimer's diagnosis. No way was that going to happen to me. I had a moral obligation. I'll take the anger over that any day. Trust me - this will pass in time as your mom's disease progresses and it will be long forgotten!
Her anger is really directed at aging and loss of independence not at you.