We hid the car keys. Never said she couldn't drive. Her license expired. Told her she needed to take the test to get her license reinstated, and gave her the book to study from. When ever she spoke about driving, I explained her license was expired and I would take her to the DMV when she was ready to take the test.
I have a dear friend that willingly gave up her car for her 90th birthday.
I could see that she was starting to fail, I think that she was to isolated by her decision. She used to go to lunch and thrift shopping regularly, not to mention the multiple stores for the grocery sales, it's what occupied her time.
I decided that I would give her one day every week to take her wherever she wanted to go. That was 6 weeks ago and she ran me ragged the 1st month. Now that it is a routine for her she has improved tremendously in all aspects of her wellbeing. This week was the 1st time that she didn't have 15 different places to go, thank you Lord! I enjoy being at her service and she has regained a level of independence that was lost when she lost her ability to go. I think this is universal for seniors or anyone that can no longer drive, but I think that you can help her by taking her wherever she wants to go 1 day a week and let her be in control of where you go and how long you stay, it might help. Even if it means you drive 3 miles to save 25 cents on a dozen eggs. Ugh! Giving her control could very well calm her down.
My dear friend, whom I call mama, was sitting in the passenger seat this week and said, "look at me! I am sitting here with not one care in the world while you deal with traffic and getting me where I need to go. Boy, I have the life of Riley!" She is loving that she has a chauffeur, I don't believe that she thought it would be as nice as it is.
One thing that I do, I ask her for directions to where we are going. It makes her feel good to direct me on how to get there. Keeps her brain active and helps keep her oriented to her location.
I know that I could never do this with my mom, so maybe if you can't do it with yours you have a friend that you can trade off and do it for each others mom or dad. That adds another benefit of socializing for the senior. Being patient and reminding yourself that this is for so much more than groceries can get you through the seeming nonsense of how they shop. (We also try a different type of food or a new restaurant every week.)
Providing alternate transportation is the only way to get through this.
My father was not happy when we told him he could no longer drive (even though he had not driven for several months before due to other health issues). Explain to your mom about the way people (blame it on others) are driving and how careless they are and they might cause harm to your mom. Tell them that some rules have changed in the driving world that will now make her have to take a new driving test and that also maybe her car is not up to "current standards" for allowing them to be on the road. Its tough but the little fibs won't hurt her, but might actually save her. wishing you luck
That's actually not so much of a fib. Dad probably would have been fine continuing to drive in a little town where people knew him. But in the city, drivers are careless and dangerous.
You can have her take a certified driving evaluation from a licensed driving instructor. Get some written results about the test and when she asks you can remind her of it. They often take dash cam footage and you could possibly request the footage to show your loved one.
Depends on how much cognitive ability they would have to understand that. The main purpose of the exercise is to shift the blame from you as family members to the state.
The family doctor has to sign off on it so just tell every time it was her doctor. Eventually it will become a thing of the forgotten past. One would hope that the family is smart enough to take the car away, or even let the power of attorney sell it. Do not give it to another family member. That would be keeping a source of consternation alive especially if that family member came with it to see her. Another rule of thumb-- if she cannot drive, soon she will not be able to stay at home-- start shopping NOW for an assisted living facility with locking doors--- in the near future you will need a rest from guard duty. AND be so glad to never have to change another diaper or facilitate a shower which becomes more and more dangerous.
None of my mother's docs would do any "signing off" on anything. One wrote a note on a scrap piece of paper just stating it isn't safe for you to drive. THAT was useless. She'd dispute it and then forget it!
It is so difficult for people who are used to being independent to no longer be able to drive their car. You mother might be one of those people who don't realize that they have dementia. Don't take what she says personally. She is upset over her loss of independence. Can you take her for a drive now and then? This won't last forever. My mother who used to love traveling eventually got to a point with her dementia that it was even a bother for her to go to doctor appointments or go out to eat.
Haircraft, It's a heartwrenching moment when you realize that your LO should no longer be driving. It's just as heartwrenching for them to lose their freedom! I went thru this with my Aunt. After watching her continue to look for her car keys (she didn't remember that I took them), I finally disconnected the battery cables. So when she "found" her keys, she simply thought the car needed repairs. It's called a "therapeutic fib". I know it's seems underhanded, but it might help you keep the peace. Best wishes!
We had to do this with my Mom. She would call me saying my sister took her keys; and it depended on how she was doing that day. Everyone’s dementia is different. With my Mom she would be real lucid parts of the day. So, it depended on how she would be doing that day as to how I would handle. I hated telling little exaggerations to her, but sometimes it was warranted. She would call my sister multiple times at work, and I wasn’t working so we told her I had her keys (which were given to me). We would tell her that her car wasn’t running right, so we took the keys to give to the car repair people that were going to pick up the car later that day. This seemed to satisfy her. We found that because we told her not to take the car, she may forget, so put keys that looked like hers and she never seemed to challeng it. There is no easy answer. Some times if she was really lucid I would tell her she knows we love her so much and we would never take from her ; and she agreed she wouldn’t want to ever hurt anyone by accident, so she gave us the keys for safe keeping. Regardless of your response, keep it consistent And loving like it was the first time they asked! God bless you.
Impossible to answer your question without further details about your mom. I cannot assume anything, even your right to take her keys. Does she live alone? Participate in social activities? What stage is she considered to be? Are you able to live with her or she with you? What are your options? What do you think your options are? Why do you want to take her keys away? If you can PM me, please do so and I will discuss it with you directly. I'm trained 20 years in successful caregiving memory loss patients and have multiple degrees in Psychology.
Thank you for your comments. My story is ,I live in jersey,my mom is in Florida. My sister,who has some mental issues,lives with her now,but has a house 3 blocks away from mom ,so sometimes during the day she takes the golf cart back to her own house. ( she needs a break) . I call my mom a lot during the day and night,and also have cameras there.My sister gives her breakfast,lunch and dinner and meds and sleeps there every night. They don’t talk much to each other,cause it usually gets into an argument.,and my sister can’t handle it. I plan to move there in moms house eventually in the near future. My husband,who isn’t working now,goes to Florida ,stays at a friends house not far from mom,and does things for her that needs to be done. He stays weeks at a time( great husband!) My sister does not drive,( mom always did everything for her) and now it’s hard that the roles have changed. So for a while now ( more then a year) my sisters son is the punching bag! He takes everything ,( that she looses) and curses a lot ,and hates her grandson for taking things,stapler,ladder,adding machine and now car keys! Mom hasn’t drove for a year now( even though she thinks it was 2 weeks ago). Her grandson picks up the groceries for them,He stays away as much as possible. But a few times he had to borrow her car. My husband has a set of keys and my sister holds on to the other set,even though we tell mom,she has her own set and lost them somewhere in the house,and that her grandson gave them back to her.I tell her all the time,we won’t let her drive cause she has cateracs and needs to go to the eye dr first. She won’t go and get them done so I say then you can’t drive till you do get them done. So that’s somewhat of my story. Any advice I would appreciate.
Our eldercare law firm has successfully used GoGoGrandparent for clients whose license we have had to take away. The senior can make calls from their landline or cell phone, and payment of the driving service (Lyft, Uber) is handled by a third party at our firm. We get all notifications as to when they call, when they enter the car, when they are dropped off, etc. It is very easy for the senior to use, and once they get the hang of it, they love it. Much easier than driving.
Haircraft, I send you my love and support. The driving issue was by far the most difficult of all with my mom, and was probably the most heartbreaking. It's been 3+ years now, and she did eventually settle in and accept it [not too gracefully]. The finality of it was like a death, for all concerned. Time softened the pain.
Sadly, I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive my sister (who otherwise contributed nothing to mom's daily support and care) pretending to be mom's ally and to say she'd help her try to get her driving privilege reinstated (it was a lie, she never intended to take any such action) with the DMV when I flat refused to, forcing me to take 'the fall' and being the 'bad guy'. So sad that 'this' all too often brings out the worst in some people.
My mother had a hip replaced so she COULD return to driving. Long story short, the hip replacement made her less mobile--much less. Even with PT, she was now 100% reliant on a walker, but still insisted on driving.
Brother took her out to the garage and performed his own variety of the competency test. Said if she could get her walker in the car, get in the car herself, start it up and back out and go around the block, he'd 'pass her'. Otherwise, she had to hand over the keys.
She couldn't even get the back door open to put her walker in.
I'm sure it was a difficult time for her, and she did complain that YB was a 'jailer' and 'extreme' in his judgment--but she can't even see over the dashboard. She was a horrible driver the last couple of years she drove, luckily, she knew it and stayed very close to home.
She has rides anywhere she wants to go--but with COVID, there's no place she is allowed to go.
MIL had a major stroke and that ended her driving. Dh took all her keys. I know she is terrified to drive, so that wasn't an issue for her.
When life gets back to 'normal' we are going to show mother how to use Ubers. That might help scratch the itch for a little independence w/o putting out family members. And may restore a sense of independence for her. Don't know--anything remotely 'techie' scares the bejeebies out of her.
I thought about trying to use Uber for my parents once they could no longer drive, but my dad could just barely use his beloved cell phone to make calls, much less anything else. So remember that's the next level of challenge. Our community has a "senior rides" program that we'd just started to explore for them when COVID hit. See if you can find something like that so the drivers are acculturated to the needs of the elderly. I expect that most Uber drivers might not be as attuned to some of the challenges. I also can't imagine that if my parents had ever been stuck somewhere and for some reason Uber couldn't get there (which happened to me in a remote place once...not that my folks would have been anywhere that remote, most likely), they wouldn't be very able to trouble-shoot the situation. We were lucky that not too long after both my folks gave up driving (one willingly, one NOT EVEN A LITTLE COOPERATIVE), they moved to an assisted living place and the director liked my dad so much that she made arrangements to have a staff member drive him to the gym most mornings, even though that was not technically part of the deal there. But he loved water aerobics and was miserable when he couldn't go. We were lucky to have such a great director at our AL place and my dad went to that class 4-5 days/week until about 2 weeks before he passed. We were very lucky. Good luck to you!
Great advice from All things new. I am 86, still driving and enjoying tremendously the freedom that privilege gives me. I drive only in my neighborhood ; just to church, grocery store, doctor, and dentist.I have a 40 year acident free, ticket free record. i no longer drive on nor very near expressways, in the rain, nor at night.i sincerely hope I will realize when I should give up driving and give away my car. If and when that happens, i am planning tohave groceries delivered and to take a cab when necessary.I am also planning to move into assisted living if I become disabled and I do have LTCI.Indeed, when a person can no longer be trusted to safely drive, there should be some agency or agencies, relatives and or friends could call to enforce a driving test. God bless you all.
More agencies to enforce is not a good idea. Imagine that they say they can't drive, then ask, where does it go from there that you can't already do yourself with real love of a family member versus non-love of a stranger doing a job. When we say "loved ones", we say it for the reason that it's the truth and it doesn't include strangers no matter who they work for. It boils down to you and other loved ones making the decision. If it helps you, go ahead and assume ten or a hundred agencies said she can't drive anymore, and then make up your own solution that brings love into the picture. I became my mom's driver, choosing to work from home. We didn't need the help of anybody else, especially a suspicious government agency full of suspicious strangers to figure that out. Act like an adult and step up when you need to. Protect your parents from everybody, including agencies. That's the fact of the matter. Listen, trust has to be earned and no stranger at any agency has the right to be granted trust without first earning it. That principal doesn't get thrown out the window just because it's a nurse, nursing home, hospital, social worker, investigator, agency, department. Realize those are all made up of .... people you don't know and haven't vetted, and believe me, they all make a lot of mistakes. They're not perfect nor is their impression of you or your loved one. Only YOU and those who have KNOWN your loved one know her, nobody else with a clipboard can claim that. No matter how they pose or stand in front of you.
When my mother was mid-stage Alzheimer's my brother moved my mother's vehicle to his home so she wouldn't be reminded of driving every time she went into the garage. We told her that she let my nephew borrow her car because his was in the shop and they had to order parts and he didn't have a way to and from work. She accepted that excuse for 3 years, the only thing she ever said and when she asked we gave her the same excuse and she would always say "well it sure is taking a long time" and we told her since it was a foreign car it just takes longer to get the parts. There was never any arguments, she just excepted the explanation.
You can have her PCP prescribe a driving evaluation. There is probably a rehab in your area that does this. The cost in my area was $350. What this does is take the burden off of you, and puts it into the hands of the "professionals." You are not the bad guy. If your mom passes, she can drive. If she doesn't, the rehab gives her 30 days to turn in her license. For the test, they will take her out in a car, and test her driving abilities. They will also take her to a store, have her park the car, and go into the store, spend some time, and have her find her car again. My dad failed on 14 counts. Best $350 ever spent.
Great if you can get one of the doctors to do this. My experience is that none of them wanted to get involved in it (and reading other threads on this topic, this isn't unusual!)
Even funnier, reading on the DMV for her state, it says the person should self-report! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Anyone who has dementia is NOT going to self-report. In their mind, they are fine, just as they were many years ago, and this reporting will not happen!
Same with my LO. He got a second ticket for disorderly conduct and the police came to the door. I took away his keys at that point. The car is actually registered to me and he was on my insurance. The police were clear that if he got into an accident I may be partially liable, so there is that consideration, too.
But not a day goes by that I am not accused of being evil for taking away his car and threatening to call a lawyer. Because I am temporarily working from home I am flexible enough to bring him where he needs to be but a lot of times not on the schedule he wants. Then it's all ranting and raving and swears at me. I just want this to stop.
Is it still the same car? If so, is there any chance you could sell it and buy something else? At least then it wouldn't be the one he had and was driving...
Ouch! We couldn't do it, had to wait until a medical team delivered that news. My mom drove until age 92, and I worried about her safety and the safety of the public. You did the right thing.
I would suggest one of the following.
1. Uber, IF she is able to manage the phone app, and I know that's not so easy. 2. Whatever the insurance and gas was costing, use that amount to hire a local driver or van company, or a local taxi service. Explain to them that whenever mom calls, the bill gets subtracted from the amount you put in. She might get to feel like a queen if she has a driver.
Either of these will give back some of her independence, and there may be other creative solutions.
We removed the car and told our mother that her Audi was in shop for repairs. She would ask about it from time to time. Told her parts hard to get! Eventually she forgot("out of sight and out of mind")! I worked with dementia clients for over 25 years. Driving is a big issue. I remember some Memory Care residents insisting that cars they saw in facility parking lot were theirs! Took lots of distraction and redirection to change their focus!
I do think if there is any way to remove the car when they are occupied elsewhere and then use various excuses for it's delayed return is best! Details are in another comment, but basically my YB had the talk and took the key, while I remained mute and on leaving suggested disabling it, as I was sure there was another key. I got the blame for taking the key and then the blame for why it isn't working when she found the other key! It would have been better maybe to disable it first, then get it towed to get it "fixed" and keep brushing off the delay!
This method doesn't often work for some men (and possibly handy women.) They might still have enough old memories to check for things like the battery!
I also agree with the out of sight, out of mind... it may take a while, but generally the memory does eventually fade. A visual reminder would certainly queue up the NEED to take it for a drive! Mom droned on often about having lost her "wheels", but eventually that became the mistake SHE made (giving it up, which she didn't!) and later it just drifted from memory.
At a doctor appointment that I took mom to, I asked the doctor to settle the issue. Mom still blames me because I asked the question. I'm irritated at her previous doctor who wouldn't address the issue after her stroke that left deficits. Sometimes her mobility scooter driving is questionable.
Well it is another difficult experience like so many, one after the other to deal with. Now with some time from caring for my mom I can sometimes say, I should have done this or I could have done that, an exercise in futility. We can only do what we can and know at the time. It took me so long to get it into my head that mom was in decline, she also was good at appearing 100% leaving me totally gaslighted. So I would say to you, can you imagine how you would feel if I your car keys were taken, it is like your last hope of independence. When I moved to Ireland 2012 I had to give up my car, still do not have one for ridiculous reasons of Irish law, anyhow, I got used to it and focused on no insurance, car repairs etc. Perhaps you can give mom keys that are not to her car, and disable if possible her car starter if car is still there. My mother would insist on a handbag with money in it, and cds and a screw driver lol, so I gave her a wallet with a few bucks, she was happy. It is often enough to have semblace of normality and control for them good luck
I told my Husband that the medication he was on had a restriction for driving, going on ladders, or using other equipment. I did have to hide the car keys. I did get rid of our other car, I told him it was in the shop for repairs. He did manage to find my keys 2 times and he did drive off. The second time he was gone for 13 hours the police issued an alert and the police found him in the state north of us. Very frightening and I/we were very lucky! I did pretty much "lock down" the house after that. Got keyed on the inside locks and wore keys around my neck for 2 years. Changed the inside garage door opener to one that needed a code to open the door just like you do for the outside opener. Had him fitted with a tracking device the police and County have so they can more easily track vulnerable individuals that happen to wander away from their home.
While it wouldn't help the door locks and garage door, for a car it is fairly easy and inexpensive (comparably to repairs!) to have a kill switch installed, or use the bar made for the steering wheel. Wearing the keys would probably work 99% of the time, but if you take it off at night or in the shower... oops. You and he were SO lucky he just got lost!
Although I told my mom she shouldn't be driving many times, it took her falling asleep in a church parking lot and the priest finding her. He brought her home. God was watching over her. Next time we were together the priest said to both of us that she should not be driving. That was all she needed to hear. She was fine with that advice. She kept here car and I drove her anywhere she wanted to go in her car. It was hers and I think that helped her.
My mom failed two simulated driving tests that the dementia doctors gave her. The problem is that in the state of Indiana they are not required to contact the BMV and report her. Sooooo, I wrote a letter to the BMV and told them my mom had been diagnosed with dementia, failed two simulated driving tests and had gotten lost a couple of times and that she should not be driving and I asked them to contact her and at the very minimum test her. They sent a letter telling her that she had 30 days to come into the BMV for testing or her license would be suspended. She didn't even know where the BMV was or how to get to one, so that ended that. I explained that it is dangerous to others and that her disease had affected her reaction time. I asked her if she could live with herself if she killed a child. All of this kind of shifted the blame to the doctors, the bmv, and her disease... not me directly. I then took the keys and sold the car. It was a sore subject for a while, but many other issues move to the forefront with this disease and the car is now a long lost argument.
Only choice is to Mom stop driving and hear her rants. No way allow her to drive, rants or not, as it is too dangerous!! Mom can also get sued if anyone is injured or killed. All her assets may also be lost and affected family may suffer such losses.
It all depends on how far her dementia has taken hold. We decided to fudge the truth because our Mom was extremely upset.
We told our Mom that she voluntarily and wisely gave up driving because she was worried about her own driving. We applauded her courage and wisdom, and concern for others. We made her a hero.
Amazingly, she would occasionally bring up that no one had to take it away from her at first. She was proud that she was wise enough to know when it was time to stop driving on her own...
We also secretly sold her car. She never asked where the money went, but if she asked, we'd lie about that, too. We learned to tell white lies about a lot of things as her dementia depended, and she was fine with it. Telling her the truth simply made her sad and depressed.
We also got rid of all pictures of her around her car. Seeing those pictures agitated her and made her sad, too.
I am going through this same exact thing you are going through with car keys. It was suggested assistant rides, friends and neighbors for car rides she may need. However, for me this did not work as my Aunt with severe Dementia feels she can still drive. It was suggested by her Doctor to take the car some where or sell it. I felt this would have outrage her even more. What I did find out is to stick with it, do not let your Mom drive, take the hits of verbal abuse, know it's the Dementia, and when she gets use to the new routine you are putting your Mom on, that anger will subside. My Aunt is more calm now, but it did take several months to get here. If you do not want to hear the nasty words coming out of your Mom's mouth, which I know hurts, leave and go to another room. I found they stops arguing when they see no one is around to argue with.
Thanks for sharing your experience, Houston. Hopefully, Haircraft knows fully well now that they are not alone, and that it's rare that this situation ever goes otherwise! So far, I've not seen a single post from anyone telling that they had a smooth experience with this.
Blame the Doctor. Or the licencing authority. Only natural to feel angry - doesn't mean you or sister have to wear it though. Empathise & dodge would be my tactic.
"The Doctor said you are not allowed to drive anymore. That IS tough". Add sympathetic face. Leave room pronto.
That will start a fight. No one wants to be told your too old. You can't mentally handle driving. That will turn into a meltdown. You just insulted them albeit you didn't mean to. But saying the car won't start. We don't have the $ to get it fixed. For most of us, saying there is no money; people understand that. No fighting. No hurt feelings. No one blamed.
I wouldn't have told her that you took the car & keys. That is asking for a nasty fight. I would have said the keys got lost and haven't been found. We looked and looked remember? Or better yet say the car broke down. Wont start. Can say you dont have the money to get it fixed right now. The taxes were do and that took all the money. Something like that. If she has dementia how does she keep remembering this unless you keep telling her you took the keys? Of course there is going to be a fight. Every time.
Then try to redirect the conversation to something else. Do not bring up you took the keys. There is no point in being brutally honest unless you like the fighting.
It takes the onus off of you. If she is forgetful you can try to say that. Never bring up you took they keys.
Thank you for responding,Jasmine . I agree with everything you said, and usually that’s how I would play it out. My mom thinks her grandson,who lives close by ,takes everything , even though he doesn’t come by much anymore. He borrowed her car a few times ,and gives us her keys back. We tell her ,he gave them back,where did you put them ,? I tell mom,I have a set and you have a set of keys,you have to find yours. She goes crazy,and just wants to go food shopping,. We get the food delivered to her because of the pandemic,she thinks she just drove 2 weeks ago and it’s been since February when she had a mini stroke.
I could see that she was starting to fail, I think that she was to isolated by her decision. She used to go to lunch and thrift shopping regularly, not to mention the multiple stores for the grocery sales, it's what occupied her time.
I decided that I would give her one day every week to take her wherever she wanted to go. That was 6 weeks ago and she ran me ragged the 1st month. Now that it is a routine for her she has improved tremendously in all aspects of her wellbeing. This week was the 1st time that she didn't have 15 different places to go, thank you Lord! I enjoy being at her service and she has regained a level of independence that was lost when she lost her ability to go. I think this is universal for seniors or anyone that can no longer drive, but I think that you can help her by taking her wherever she wants to go 1 day a week and let her be in control of where you go and how long you stay, it might help. Even if it means you drive 3 miles to save 25 cents on a dozen eggs. Ugh! Giving her control could very well calm her down.
My dear friend, whom I call mama, was sitting in the passenger seat this week and said, "look at me! I am sitting here with not one care in the world while you deal with traffic and getting me where I need to go. Boy, I have the life of Riley!" She is loving that she has a chauffeur, I don't believe that she thought it would be as nice as it is.
One thing that I do, I ask her for directions to where we are going. It makes her feel good to direct me on how to get there. Keeps her brain active and helps keep her oriented to her location.
I know that I could never do this with my mom, so maybe if you can't do it with yours you have a friend that you can trade off and do it for each others mom or dad. That adds another benefit of socializing for the senior. Being patient and reminding yourself that this is for so much more than groceries can get you through the seeming nonsense of how they shop. (We also try a different type of food or a new restaurant every week.)
Providing alternate transportation is the only way to get through this.
Depends on how much cognitive ability they would have to understand that. The main purpose of the exercise is to shift the blame from you as family members to the state.
It's a heartwrenching moment when you realize that your LO should no longer be driving.
It's just as heartwrenching for them to lose their freedom!
I went thru this with my Aunt.
After watching her continue to look for her car keys (she didn't remember that I took them), I finally disconnected the battery cables. So when she "found" her keys, she simply thought the car needed repairs.
It's called a "therapeutic fib".
I know it's seems underhanded, but it might help you keep the peace.
Best wishes!
BTW, so far mine hasn't grown a bit... :^)
There is no easy answer. Some times if she was really lucid I would tell her she knows we love her so much and we would never take from her ; and she agreed she wouldn’t want to ever hurt anyone by accident, so she gave us the keys for safe keeping.
Regardless of your response, keep it consistent And loving like it was the first time they asked! God bless you.
Sadly, I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive my sister (who otherwise contributed nothing to mom's daily support and care) pretending to be mom's ally and to say she'd help her try to get her driving privilege reinstated (it was a lie, she never intended to take any such action) with the DMV when I flat refused to, forcing me to take 'the fall' and being the 'bad guy'. So sad that 'this' all too often brings out the worst in some people.
Brother took her out to the garage and performed his own variety of the competency test. Said if she could get her walker in the car, get in the car herself, start it up and back out and go around the block, he'd 'pass her'. Otherwise, she had to hand over the keys.
She couldn't even get the back door open to put her walker in.
I'm sure it was a difficult time for her, and she did complain that YB was a 'jailer' and 'extreme' in his judgment--but she can't even see over the dashboard. She was a horrible driver the last couple of years she drove, luckily, she knew it and stayed very close to home.
She has rides anywhere she wants to go--but with COVID, there's no place she is allowed to go.
MIL had a major stroke and that ended her driving. Dh took all her keys. I know she is terrified to drive, so that wasn't an issue for her.
When life gets back to 'normal' we are going to show mother how to use Ubers. That might help scratch the itch for a little independence w/o putting out family members. And may restore a sense of independence for her. Don't know--anything remotely 'techie' scares the bejeebies out of her.
Anybody had luck with elders using Uber?
For the test, they will take her out in a car, and test her driving abilities. They will also take her to a store, have her park the car, and go into the store, spend some time, and have her find her car again.
My dad failed on 14 counts. Best $350 ever spent.
Even funnier, reading on the DMV for her state, it says the person should self-report! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Anyone who has dementia is NOT going to self-report. In their mind, they are fine, just as they were many years ago, and this reporting will not happen!
But not a day goes by that I am not accused of being evil for taking away his car and threatening to call a lawyer. Because I am temporarily working from home I am flexible enough to bring him where he needs to be but a lot of times not on the schedule he wants. Then it's all ranting and raving and swears at me. I just want this to stop.
I would suggest one of the following.
1. Uber, IF she is able to manage the phone app, and I know that's not so easy.
2. Whatever the insurance and gas was costing, use that amount to hire a local driver or van company, or a local taxi service. Explain to them that whenever mom calls, the bill gets subtracted from the amount you put in. She might get to feel like a queen if she has a driver.
Either of these will give back some of her independence, and there may be other creative solutions.
I worked with dementia clients for over 25 years. Driving is a big issue. I remember some Memory Care residents insisting that cars they saw in facility parking lot were theirs! Took lots of distraction and redirection to change their focus!
This method doesn't often work for some men (and possibly handy women.) They might still have enough old memories to check for things like the battery!
I also agree with the out of sight, out of mind... it may take a while, but generally the memory does eventually fade. A visual reminder would certainly queue up the NEED to take it for a drive! Mom droned on often about having lost her "wheels", but eventually that became the mistake SHE made (giving it up, which she didn't!) and later it just drifted from memory.
I did have to hide the car keys.
I did get rid of our other car, I told him it was in the shop for repairs.
He did manage to find my keys 2 times and he did drive off. The second time he was gone for 13 hours the police issued an alert and the police found him in the state north of us. Very frightening and I/we were very lucky!
I did pretty much "lock down" the house after that. Got keyed on the inside locks and wore keys around my neck for 2 years. Changed the inside garage door opener to one that needed a code to open the door just like you do for the outside opener. Had him fitted with a tracking device the police and County have so they can more easily track vulnerable individuals that happen to wander away from their home.
Good Luck.
We told our Mom that she voluntarily and wisely gave up driving because she was worried about her own driving. We applauded her courage and wisdom, and concern for others. We made her a hero.
Amazingly, she would occasionally bring up that no one had to take it away from her at first. She was proud that she was wise enough to know when it was time to stop driving on her own...
We also secretly sold her car. She never asked where the money went, but if she asked, we'd lie about that, too. We learned to tell white lies about a lot of things as her dementia depended, and she was fine with it. Telling her the truth simply made her sad and depressed.
We also got rid of all pictures of her around her car. Seeing those pictures agitated her and made her sad, too.
"The Doctor said you are not allowed to drive anymore. That IS tough". Add sympathetic face. Leave room pronto.
But saying the car won't start. We don't have the $ to get it fixed. For most of us, saying there is no money; people understand that. No fighting. No hurt feelings. No one blamed.
Or better yet say the car broke down. Wont start. Can say you dont have the money to get it fixed right now. The taxes were do and that took all the money. Something like that. If she has dementia how does she keep remembering this unless you keep telling her you took the keys? Of course there is going to be a fight. Every time.
Then try to redirect the conversation to something else. Do not bring up you took the keys. There is no point in being brutally honest unless you like the fighting.
It takes the onus off of you. If she is forgetful you can try to say that. Never bring up you took they keys.