I would be upset if someone took my car keys away too. That is my independence!
With my father, we told him he could continue to drive with another driving adult in the car but then when the time came, he would let them drive until it no longer came up as an issue. We offered to drive as much as possible, taking him out to eat, to medical appointments and other activities that he didn't want to do alone and I did his grocery shopping, so there weren't too many other places he wanted to go by himself.
Sis has LBD started a few years ago. She had a car-forgot how to put in park, apparently had a couple accidents from the bills I came across. She was in a AL community when sis asked someone in the parking lot to help her with the car turn off park. Community calls and we come up with a plan. Friend starts taking sis to appointments-that worked for a bit then friend went crazy on sis-yelling and screaming at her. The friend was burned out even though lady was also manipulating my sister and insisting sis sign POA with friend name even though friend knew there was involved family in her life-even a POA for sis cat-never heard of that level of crazy. Friend even takes sis to the dr. because she is "concerned" about sis cognitive then gets sis to sign legal papers.....Sis began having more troubles in general-Sis could see her car in the parking lot but never asked to drive it, we gave her a fake key so if she tried or asked someone to drive it would not work. Before we moved sis to my state-we sold her car to a (real) friend of hers-there was no point in bringing the car here sis would never drive again or learn her way around. It became dangerous for sis to have access and damage had happened with the car-it had to be stopped. You don't want your family member to be injured or hurt anyone else with the car. Say grand son needs it to go to work, college or something else-maybe will Mom will be glad for them to have a good car.
Dad in his 90's a few years ago, drove to all his appointments until he fell in the parking lot. 2 good samaritans picked him up and got him in the car. He did not ask to drive again. They still have the car but all others help themselves to use-housekeeper, yard guy. I asked if we could buy from my parents-answer was NO they need the car, independence etc. they can not drive on their own I take them to doctor, etc.
Mom was told she could no longer drive because of eye problems. She ignored them and did as she wanted to, as always. When I first came home to be her live in care giver we had terrible fights about it. Finally I got fed up and told her I have her licence plate number, make of her vehicle and know where she was going. If she drove at night I would call the police and inform them about it and request they throw her into jail. Maybe that would straighten her out. She knew I meant it and screamed while kicking her feet and slamming fists into the couch. I just walked away. Needless to say that was the end of her night driving. Just inform her that you are not interested in experiencing her childish temper tantrums any more. There will be no more contact until she stops this behavior. It usually takes a month or two until she stops this abusive behavior.
If your mother has dementia, let the doctors take responsibility for it so you don't have to do the key removal bit. Stay out of it - say you are legally bound to do what doctors tell you. One word of advice - never, ever take someone's keys away UNLESS AND UNTIL YOU CAN ASSURE THEM THAT THERE WILL BE TRANSPORTATION FOR THEM TO GO WHERE AND WHEN THEY WANT TO GO. If you cannot do this, you cannot take the keys away - it will be hell on earth if you try and I know all the reasons for doing so but again, let the professionals handle this issue.
I guess part of that would depend upon how much planning and how much TLC went into that decision initially. Sounds like your mom should be evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist or psychologist to help her deal with the stresses associated with aging and certain medical conditions. There are some medications available that do a wonderful job of helping with anxiety and/or depression which are usually at the root of extreme anger. She is also focusing on the negative aspect of no longer being able to drive - her lack of independence. What have you done to try to re-establish her self-esteem and ability to be independent? Can she call dial-a-ride independently if she wants to go somewhere? Can she navigate a bus line? Can she call a taxi? Does the town senior center provide transportation at all? Often, I've found it best to let the family physician tell the patient he/she can no longer drive, or have them evaluated by the Easter Seals driving program, or by the motor vehicle department inspectors.
I'm assuming that mom lives with you. This can make for a very unpleasant home life. You may want to invest in some short-term family counseling or at least get some help and guidance for yourself to deal with the current situation. Remember, if you don't take care of yourself first, you can't do the best job of caring for anyone else.
I am so sorry and understand some of what you are dealing with.
Would one of her doctors be willing to talk with her about driving? My mom's primary care provider helped us with that issue as well as a few others.
His help didn't keep her from balking, but at least we had an "authority figure" to add into the group of people saying it was no longer safe for her to drive. Her driving would put her at risk as well as those around her.
1 - Ask her Doctor to tell her she can no longer drive. 2 - Ask he Doctor to notify DMV and they should send her a letter 3 - Once the letter arrives let the local police department know and ask if they can send an officer to let her know they have the information on file.
Now it is not you that is telling her it is 3 other authorities. I had to di this with my mother and that was what finally got her to give up her keys.
She has lost a "big security" that she has had all her life. You are experiencing how she is dealing with it. A small dose of Ativan will take the edge off anxiety. Just "meet her where she is" and she will see you are suffering with her.
My Mom called my Husband and I some vile names when she realized I would not return her car keys back as she demanded. She had a script for driving assessment from the ER neurologist, after not taking her meds put her into the hospital.
Please discreetly disable your Mom's car. If she protests, tell you are looking into fixing it, however long it takes! Also, offer to obtain her professional training supervision to assess her current driving ability. I cannot say more than love her but do so out of concern for hers and others' safety.
My husbands 97 year old grandmother was still driving, dangerously. They disabled her car, she called AAA to get it started. This happened 3 times until they left a note on the motor not to get it started again. No car no danger.. four flats work well too
These transitions are so difficult. They are much more difficult for those who are emotionally related to the elder, which is part of why they are blaming you, and then becoming angry at you. For us, we were able to have a medical professional make this assessment when my mom ended up in rehab after a broken hip. My mom was driving until age 92, but starting to lose her way, have small accidents and so forth, and we were worried for her and for the public who she was putting at risk. So. Does she still want to drive, or does she still want to go places? Can you come up with a way to allow her some level of independent travel, but with someone else driving? Can you use a taxi, Uber, Lyft, or come up with some solution that does not involve her driving? If she can still decide when and where she wants to go but without the risk of her driving her self, then this might be a good way to deal with the situation for the time being.
With my father, we told him he could continue to drive with another driving adult in the car but then when the time came, he would let them drive until it no longer came up as an issue. We offered to drive as much as possible, taking him out to eat, to medical appointments and other activities that he didn't want to do alone and I did his grocery shopping, so there weren't too many other places he wanted to go by himself.
I think you have to provide alternatives.
Dad in his 90's a few years ago, drove to all his appointments until he fell in the parking lot. 2 good samaritans picked him up and got him in the car. He did not ask to drive again. They still have the car but all others help themselves to use-housekeeper, yard guy. I asked if we could buy from my parents-answer was NO they need the car, independence etc. they can not drive on their own I take them to doctor, etc.
When I first came home to be her live in care giver we had terrible fights about it.
Finally I got fed up and told her I have her licence plate number, make of her vehicle and know where she was going. If she drove at night I would call the police and inform them about it and request they throw her into jail. Maybe that would straighten her out. She knew I meant it and screamed while kicking her feet and slamming fists into the couch. I just walked away.
Needless to say that was the end of her night driving.
Just inform her that you are not interested in experiencing her childish temper tantrums any more. There will be no more contact until she stops this behavior. It usually takes a month or two until she stops this abusive behavior.
I'm assuming that mom lives with you. This can make for a very unpleasant home life. You may want to invest in some short-term family counseling or at least get some help and guidance for yourself to deal with the current situation. Remember, if you don't take care of yourself first, you can't do the best job of caring for anyone else.
Best wishes!
j
Just tell her dr is doing testing on bloodwork and during this time he recommends no driving ...
eventually time will pass still use excuse and she will forget but depend on you for errands . Which is ok .. safer
she will move on... trust me
Would one of her doctors be willing to talk with her about driving? My mom's primary care provider helped us with that issue as well as a few others.
His help didn't keep her from balking, but at least we had an "authority figure" to add into the group of people saying it was no longer safe for her to drive. Her driving would put her at risk as well as those around her.
Wish I could help more.
2 - Ask he Doctor to notify DMV and they should send her a letter
3 - Once the letter arrives let the local police department know and ask if they can send an officer to let her know they have the information on file.
Now it is not you that is telling her it is 3 other authorities. I had to di this with my mother and that was what finally got her to give up her keys.
Best Regards and Independent Luck,
Patathome01
For us, we were able to have a medical professional make this assessment when my mom ended up in rehab after a broken hip. My mom was driving until age 92, but starting to lose her way, have small accidents and so forth, and we were worried for her and for the public who she was putting at risk.
So. Does she still want to drive, or does she still want to go places? Can you come up with a way to allow her some level of independent travel, but with someone else driving? Can you use a taxi, Uber, Lyft, or come up with some solution that does not involve her driving?
If she can still decide when and where she wants to go but without the risk of her driving her self, then this might be a good way to deal with the situation for the time being.