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They have been married for 70 years, so we get it. She is complaining daily to us about things he has done.


He takes off his Depends after he’s in bed and messes the bed. She started sleeping in the other bedroom because of it. He has fallen in the night and yelled for her help. She called us; we live one mile away, so we went over to help pick him up. I knew he had been there a while because some of the blood on the floor was dry. He takes the trash out in only his Depends at times. She thinks he should be able to get his own breakfast, but he can’t remember where things are.


She yells at him for stuff like that. We see his decline and realize he needs help with everything. She won’t go into the bathroom to see that he showers well or doesn’t fall. I, his DIL, have gone over the last few times and helped him get in and out of the shower.


She complains that I am too pushy when I make suggestions. My husband agrees that she is difficult. My brother and SIL are also involved in their care and agree with us. She is making us crazy and, in my opinion, her sons won’t come down on her hard enough. She just yells at us and says we are moving too fast with this.


HELP. Thanks for letting me vent.

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Maybe she also has dementia. Seems like she does. Is

Is anyone the PoA for either of them? If so, this person needs to read the PoA document to see what activates the authority.

If they don't have PoAs then you will need to report them to APS as vulnerable adults. Or, call 911 the next time he falls and they will take him to the ER. Then one of you also goes and tells the discharge person that he is an unsafe discharge, that the wife also has dementia and is neglecting his needs. Ask to talk to a hospital social worker about having him discharged directly into a facility. No one should go get him to take him home. No one should believe it if the hospital promises to "help" if you take him home. This is a lie they tell to get people out.

In the meantime, there is such a thing as "adaptive clothing" for people with dementia. It's an anti-strip jumpsuit that they can't remove and so he won't be able to access his disposable briefs. They can be found on amazon.com or silverts.com.
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Babs75 Feb 6, 2025
Exactly! Although my dad was living alone, it took, one of those hospital visits to get him to a facility. I had already gone out and had several picked out knowing this was going to happen at some point. APS had been in (reported by a neighbor) but all they did was tell me to get conservatorship, which i did, but means nothing when trying to get my dad to quit driving, which is another long story. We tried assisted living with extra care coming in (this was back in 2019), with a stint in skilled nursing for a few months for some medical issues, then finally to memory care in 2021 which is where he is today. This has greatly lightened my load and actually allows me to go visit him as his 'daughter' instead of his 'caregiver'.
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You are right, FIL definitely needs to be in Memory Care. He is in a much worse state than my husband was when my son came to me and said he thought it was time. And I'm the one that said I didn't think it was time yet. (As it is, my husband passed the following month when his kidneys shut down.)

Is it possible that FIL asked her to promise him that she would never put him in (my husband's words) "one of those places"? When my husband asked me that, I replied that I would do what was best for both of us, which is definitely not the promise he wanted. If she gave him that promise, that may be the very reason she is resistant to the idea.

And yeah, I do think an evaluation for MIL for dementia is also in order.
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Reply to graygrammie
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Check with your local hospital social worker on having a nurse come do an in-home evaluation of the situation. I did this for my parents and it was the push needed to get them to not live so far away. Having a medical professional giving input is sometimes what is needed.

Additionaly an appointment with their family doctor can be helpful too. Especially if it is one they have regularely seen for years.

It shows here you care deeply, and only want what is best. But sometimes the weight of the changes weighs heavy on the aging individual and they struggle in it and can be snippety. My mom fits that deeply.

My mom was really starting to struggle with everything and her health was too much for Dad and I to deal with daily, with some of her stubbornness to do things needing done.
1.5 years of them being closer to me, she got to be in so much pain multiple places that I took several days telling her that once I take her to get it all checked out, she likely wouldn't be coming home. She helped choose where she is today, after the Doctor's and Social worker made it clear going home wasn't in her best interest in her condition. She's actually doing much better, and dad in his own way as well.

Having to place her somewhere wasn't what was wanted, but needs rule over wants.

Hope this helps
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Reply to Bgreen7777
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Angcare: Let his physician deliver the news, i.e. he requires placement.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Maybe see if you can find a respite spot for him at a memory care facility to give her a taste of life without him there, sell it as a vacation for her (bonus if she actually goes away on a holiday). Sometimes all it takes is one step to get the ball rolling.
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Reply to cwillie
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Your mil is in denial. She does not want to lose her husband. My mom was devastating when she learned my dad could not come home after surgery made his dementia worse. Be prepared, because it is going to be difficult for your MIL to face the facts that her husband should be staying in a personal care home. She might be able to live with him too.
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Reply to Onlychild2024
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If your FIL isn't in immediate danger from any of this, I don't think there's anything you can make her do. Some people see it as their duty to keep their spouse at home, or don't feel they have the money to do anything differently. My MIL was like this. She also didn't have a good understanding of dementia, at least in the beginning. She would get frustrated at him when he didn't seem to know who she was, what time and place he was living in, etc. Eventually, she had to figure out the work-arounds that were necessary. He was a runner so she had to lock the doors and hide the keys, but he'd still get lost from time to time. We didn't think to suggest memory care and they couldn't have afforded it anyway. We just held our breath and came to help when needed. She cared for him 11 years this way.

What you can control is the help you are willing to give. You can tell her you can't come when she calls. You can make your husband respond to the calls. Why are you, his DIL, helping him in the shower? When he falls you can call 911. You can call APS if you feel he's in danger and she isn't reacting appropriately (be prepared for the consequences of loss of control and her likely anger). This will make the point to MIL that she needs too much help to be in a position to reject your suggestions. People who insist on calling all the shots have to be prepared to accept the results.
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AnitaGjen Feb 6, 2025
Excellent suggestions. I second them!
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It seems Mom has the same problem. Is it possible for them to both move to a facility that offers assisted living and memory care? That way she can see him and he gets the care he needs. I know that being only a mile away is convenient for all but it isn't working out for Dad. I'm guessing early 90's as there's no other info in your profile. I hope there's no stairs around that Dad can fall down. She has to understand that she can't take care of him by herself but dementia doesn't allow her to. Who's doing the shopping, paying the bills? I'd be concerned that if she can't take care of him, she's not taking care of the other business too. This is the age bills get thrown out with the junk mail. If I wasn't fishing around for tax information, I wouldn't have found out that their homeowners insurance was ready to expire. Try selling a home without it.
It's quite possible she's overwhelmed with everything and complaining is her "release"? Yes,the family should be more strict for both of their sakes. It's time for the family to sit down with mom and get her to realize Dads only going to get worse. If she doesn't like it now, she's going to really hate it later. Dad belongs in MC for sure. Maybe you can take mom to a few facilities for a "walk around" to see what she thinks? Many seniors are afraid of things they've heard about these places. If she sees how convenient it can be, maybe she will change her mind. Even going on the internet,looking at options and showing how much easier it could be, not a lot of house and property to care for. She isn't that far away from needing more help, too. It's a tough pill to swallow when the children find out they're the parents now. You have to do what's best for everyone. My first statement to my mom was...I know I promised you can live here till the end...but it's not safe here for you,I'm sorry.
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Reply to JuliaH
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MIL sees her freedom may be disappearing and she is scared about that; so she reacts by acting out and yelling.
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Reply to cover9339
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You absolutely should not be assisting your f-i-l in the shower, even if he isn't safe to do it alone. That is not maintaining his dignity, nor is it protecting you. It's wrong for both of you.

I agree with others who have said to call out an ambulance next time your f-i-l falls. How do you know that he didn't have concussion, or any other issue? It means that he would get evaluated and that you would have outside agency involvement. Perhaps, you could talk with someone about your m-i-l and her health issues, too.

Do not ask your m-i-l about calling for an ambulance. Just do it. Then go to your in-laws' house to ensure that the paramedics gain entry and take your f-i-l into the hospital.

The only reason your m-i-l can continue in this manner is because she's being propped up. You, your husband and his family need to come to an agreement that you won't enable this unsuitable situation to continue any longer.

Call whichever agencies in your area of the world can help with ensuring that your in-laws get the care they need, even if it's not what they want.
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