How do we convince my 86 year old Dad that he needs assisted living memory care when he feels he is fine and wants to live with me?

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My stepmom (74) fell and broke her hip the end of April, and decided while in rehab, they could no longer live together after being together approximately 33 years and married almost 27 years. He has been living with me. My father is a wonderful man and sadly has this disease. It has been very difficult as I’m his caregiver 24/7 as my brother does not live close by. Dad was assessed and accepted into an assisted living memory care village. We need to tell him, and he is going to refuse and get very angry. He absolutely denies he has a memory issue, however has asked that I help be his memory and doesn’t realize his short term memory is gone. We want the very best for our Dad to be safe and live an active and healthy life. We do not know how to approach this with him. Thank you

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When I was younger my Dad would say if anything ever happened he would never want to be a burden. He is not a burden but does not understand. He has been with me the past 3 months and I have made sure he takes his medications right. His anger issues about not being able to live with his wife have subsided somewhat as she now takes him out once in a while to lunch or the casino. He can still take care of himself but his short term memory he does not have. This is so difficult as Dad was not part of the process. My brother and I told him last week he was as accepted and he will have his own place etc.. He was so angry, and said to me if he’s a burden he will get his own apartment but for us not to tell him where he’s going. He can not do that and doesn’t realize it. He said really mean things to us which I was expecting to hear,however it doesn’t make it any easier. I know there are different stages and he is still very sociable and likes conversing. Being I’m the caretaker it’s all directed at me and why can’t he stay with me etc.. My husband passed away 2 1/2 yrs ago and I was laid off from my job that allowed me to suddenly be his caregiver. This is so hard as it’s not something we want to do, but feel it is best for Dad. His wife can no longer care for him and if something happens to me...who will take care of him or make sure he will be taken care of. We are supposed to move his things in this week and take him for lunch onFriday to see the place and then his room will be all set up. So many emotions as we go through this and hoping and praying we are doing the right thing. We only want the best for Dad. This is so hard as we love our Dad dearly.
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Sak1225, While your dad is aware enough to argue, be upset, and even get angry, chances are, he will. If he’s been accepted to a facility and it’s clean, safe, and has a competent staff, then that is half the battle. Setting up his room with stuff from his previous home will help him feel like he’s in a familiar place. Just be prepared that he may say he wants to “ go home”, but in Alzheimer’s speak that = ( I’m not sure what’s going on, but I want to be ok) It is a huge, but necessary, transition for both him and you. It will save your sanity and will provide for your dad to be safe and cared for. Will it be like the care you give? No, it will not. However, he will adapt and you will too. It’s heart wrenching at times the decisions that have to be made as this disease continues to progress. Always remember as the plane goes down, the first person who needs to put on the oxygen is the one who is responsible for looking out for the less abled. Take heart in knowing that you can be as involved as you wish to be, but you will need to force yourself to stay away for a few days at first to allow him a chance to acclimate to his new digs. After that, I do recommend you visit and call as much as you can. It reassures your loved one that you haven’t abandoned them and let’s the staff know you are involved and can show up at anytime. You become a village and team of caregivers instead of a daughter and dad alone on a deserted island. All the best to you at this difficult crossroads.
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Reply to Alzh101
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you can blame it on his doctor. say that the dr signed him up due to his health and his age. and that the dr knows best. or something like that. "dr's orders"
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Reply to wally003
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sak1225 Aug 6, 2018
Thank you very much for taking the time to answer. We greatly appreciate it.
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Tell your dad, "Dad, we thought you'd want to live on your own." Be sincere and respectful but allow him to think that you're doing this for him. It's a tad manipulative but I've seen it work in my family.
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Reply to Eyerishlass
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sak1225 Aug 6, 2018
Thank you very much! We appreciate you taking the time to answer!
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Be very honest with your father and tell him you want more than anything for him to be safe and be around other people of his age and experiences. Assure him you will not abandon him. He’s old enough and sounds cognizant enough that he should understand nothing in life is certain but change. Has he seen this place before? Was he part of the process? Talk it up but don’t be effusive. Don’t back down if he becomes angry. Be loving but firm. When he goes, don’t visit for a few days. Let him become accustomed to the place and the staff get to know him. He will probably be accusatory and sulky. Be prepared. My mom sure was.

This is not an an easy decision, but it’s the right one. Good luck. Come back and tell us how it went.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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sak1225 Aug 7, 2018
Thank you very much for taking the time to reply. It is very difficult. 🙏🏻
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