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My 87 yr old grandmother's health has been declining rapidly. She moved in w/ my mother and I a few years ago but since truly declining, my aunt has also moved in w/ us to be w/ her full-time. Thing is, it's a small apartment which was meant to be only for my mother and I. My aunt and grandmother couldn't afford an apartment together so my mom was nice enough to allow this arrangement. There is not adequate space for 4 adults. I am the child in this situation, even though I am in my mid-twenties, and my thoughts are always pushed aside.


My grandmother has been hospitalized over 5 times since January for serious issues and even her primary care doctor recommended a nursing home/rehabilitation facility temporarily. She isn't very mobile, is incontinent, and needs a constant caretaker. It definitely takes a toll on my aunt but she feels placing her in a facility is "insulting". My mother and I want her to go to a facility to build herself up a little bit and have around the clock care. This is an ongoing battle and I am getting extremely drained from it. My mother dismisses it but it affects my life because I work nights and need to sleep during the day. I have thought about moving out but I am also in school and don't really make enough to support myself right now...maybe I can do so in a year or so.


Overall, I feel like my aunt is being extremely selfish but I am trying to avoid a battle. I have zero privacy now because my grandmother is in the room next to mine and so whenever she needs help, I hear everything.


I don't mean to come off selfish or cruel, but I know many of you may understand where I am coming from.


We also have to hear my aunt complain daily about how exhausted she is.


Do you guys have any advice? I'm desperate here.

I was on Facebook just now and came across a person who lives in a local apartment who was looking for a roommate to split the rent. Would that be feasible for you? I think the only way you are going to get any peace is to leave. No one will listen to you. Auntie is in charge and Mom goes along with whatever your aunt wants. You really need to make the decision to move out on your own.
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This is a difficult living situation for you. You work nights, you are going to school, and you can't have uninterrupted rest time. I am sorry. :-(

I am wondering if your aunt's complaining of exhaustion is going to result in her trying to get others (you and your mother) to also do the hands-on caregiving. What is the plan if your aunt injures herself?

There are stories on this forum of young people who have been bullied into being the fulltime caregivers for their elders. Please do not let this happen to you!
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I'm sorry that everyone has to walk through your bedroom to get to your grandma. Could you put up a screen or room divider of some type that can shield your bed somewhat from the traffic that is going through your room?

-Here is a "White Sound Machine" at Walmart:
https://www.walmart.com/ip/HoMedics-Soundspa-Relaxation-Sound-Machine-SS-2000/2686012?wmlspartner=wlpa&selectedSellerId=0&adid=22222222227001130636&wl0=&wl1=s&wl2=c&wl3=40843989152&wl4=pla-78656778392&wl5=9024617&wl6=&wl7=&wl8=&wl9=pla&wl10=8175035&wl11=online&wl12=2686012&wl13=&veh=sem

Here is a list of CDs that use natural sounds with/without music as "white noise" that you might want to try listening to when you want to sleep:
-Vol. 05 Soundscapes Ocean Waves https://www.walmart.com/ip/Vol-05-Soundscapes/936874115,
- Ocean Melody (waves lapping onto the shore),
-Nature Sound Series: Rain & Thunder (Cdr) (I listen to my rain and thunder CD a lot),
-Best of the Most Relaxing Classical Music in / Various,
-The Ultimate Most Relaxing New Age Piano In The Universe,
-Relaxation: A Windham Hill Collection  (I love their music),

I hope that these suggestions help.
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tfbk9990 Jul 25, 2018
Thank you.
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I was wondering, if this is your mom’s apartment and she wants Grandma to go a facility and you want grandma to go to a facility, why does what your aunt wants trump everyone else’s wishes? Unless auntie’s name is on the lease, she really has no vote. But it sounds like she’s running the show.

Talk to your aunt and mom and explain that your future is at stake here. You need a calm and quiet place to live and your own space. You moved in with Mom because, well, you’re her kid and you thought back then this was the place to be. You’re her kid, but you’re not A Kid. You’re a young woman who needs to prepare for her future with no sidetracks (which is what this is) along the way. Auntie will just need to get over it. Insulting to Grandma or not, it’s how it has to be. Or, Auntie can find her own income-based apartment and take Grandma along with. Also, your aunt may be putting on a little drama act about how exhausted she is just for validation. The next time she says that, smile sweetly and suggest following everyone else’s ideas and find a facility for Grandma.
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tfbk9990 Jul 24, 2018
My moms name is on the lease. The plan was for them to get in to affordable housing but apparently aunt never followed through with paperwork. To apply now, it could take months or even years. Tonight I tried to discuss putting her in a facility where she would have care and also other seniors to see and speak with.... it got dismissed real quick as usual. I approached it maturely but that never matters. It’s an instant “no”. I find it unreal that they don’t see how much this is affecting the household. I almost feel like I’m wrong.
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You are NOT the selfish person in this situation. Your grandmother needs to be in a facility and your aunt needs to make other arrangements for her housing. Perhaps an income based apartment. You should not have to live in this situation.
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tfbk9990 Jul 24, 2018
Thank you, sadly I can’t get through to them.
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YOU are NOT being selfish!!!!!!   ❀  🌸 
You are taking care of yourself and your physical, mental and emotional wellbeing.  GOOD for YOU!!!!

Since you can't move, try using one of those "White Noise" machines.  The noise or music from it might help mask the sounds coming from the rest of the apartment.  Move your bed so that you do not sleep next to the wall as sound travels better through solid objects then through the air.  Wear eye blinders and ear plugs when you sleep.  😃  💤  🎧 💤

Unfortunately your mind might never "turn off" completely while you are sleeping because of all of the activity going on in the rest of the apartment and/or because you are worrying about your Grandma and your Aunt and your Mom while you sleep.  (I always slept with "One Eye Open and One Ear Open" when Mom and I were living together.  She is now in a nursing home and I am getting the first "REAL sleep" I have experienced in 9 years.)   Does your Mom sleep in the same room as you? 

"We also have to hear my aunt complain daily about how exhausted she is."  Sometimes it is part of one's "culture" to complain when a person has to take care of another person or has to do housework.  Or the person is looking for praise and "Thanks" for doing their job.  The person sometimes feels taken for granted.  Or your Aunt might truly be "Exhausted" and "Overwhelmed" with the job of taking care of her Mother (your Grandmother), but is not willing to give up HER JOB as "Caregiver" so that your Grandmother can go to a nursing home because your Aunt might feel like she would "her purpose in life".
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tfbk9990 Jul 24, 2018
Now my mom and I are sharing a room and everyone must walk through mine to get to gram......I’m at a loss here because I have nowhere to go and I’m stuck!
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