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Well.....as I’m getting ready to fly out for my FIL’s funeral, i just got a call from my brother informing me that our dad just totaled his classic car. I’m told he’s ok, just has a big gash on his forehead and was being transported to the hospital. He blacked out but was able to call my mom from scene when he came to. All I can say is, thank the good lord he didn’t kill or injure an innocent person!


This is the 2nd car he has totaled in 6 years. The first car was my moms and he wasn’t supposed to be driving, his license had been revoked because he was having seizures. He received minor injuries and was charged by the highway patrol and had to go court.


He has brain damage and cognitive decline stemming from various injuries and illness over the years. I am honestly surprised he got his license back after it was revoked the first time. As far as I know, his license is still valid. I don’t think it’s been revoked again. He’s also missing his left arm. Lost that in a car accident (not his fault). He has zero patience. Anger issues. I spent my entire childhood fearful of his wrath because.....everything set him off. Lots of yelling and hitting. My brother was screamed at, taken home early and then hit with a belt because he wore his pants backwards to a Boy Scouts meeting (in the early 90s it was the style thanks to the rap group Kriss kross). Another time he was beaten so bad he couldn’t sit because my dad caught us eating cookies before bed one night. All normal kid stuff right? Yet we were read the riot act and sometimes beaten! It has deeply affected my brother & I as adults. We have emotional scars that will never go away. My dad has not changed. He is still the angry hot headed man he was when I was a kid.


my mother refuses to take away the keys. Disabling the car is not a solution, he is cognitive enough to call AAA. My mom will not take the keys away because he gets too mad. And I understand. He has a lot of guns and honestly it terrifies me that if she stands up to him and hides the keys, he will resort to gun violence.


I am at a loss here. My brother lives with them and he too agrees our dad has no business driving. He’s been behind the wheel with him and said he was terrified because he drives so bad! My dad and brother butt heads regularly and have almost gotten into physical fights many times. Things would turn violent if he tried to take the keys away.


if I lived there, it would be so simple. I’d just call the highway patrol every time he got behind the wheel. Of course they wouldn’t do anything unless they saw him driving badly. But they could get the ball rolling to get his license revoked. And when he drove on his revoked license, i’d Call the HP and report him. Downside is they would impound the car which will cost a lot of $$$ but I think we could convince my mom to sign over the car to the tow truck company.


i guess all I can do is report him to the DMV and ask them to re-evaluate his license. Maybe I can contact the highway patrol and ask them to alert the DMV too. I will try to get my brother to call the highway patrol when he drives. I don’t think my mom would agree to that.


Anything else we can do? Man I am just livid over this!

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My beloved uncle killed his wife and dog because no one took away his license when it was time. They didn't want to kick that hornet's nest. Thank God he didn't hurt those in the other car. My aunt had survived ovarian cancer and a rare heart condition and was still going to work in their business at 86. My uncle died of a broken heart within 2 years.

Yes you should definitely contact the DMV and anonymously make your case. Also (and this is a long-shot) while you're waiting for that shoe to drop you can find GPS car tracking devices on Amazon and elsewhere on the interweb. Some cheap, some not. Some are magnetic and just cling anywhere on the car and have a 2-month battery life. Then you'd know when he's on the road and you could contact HP to stop him every time. I don't think it wise to have your mom know any of this as he may punish her if he finds out (and she may not be willing, anyway).

Just a thought. I don't envy your position but you're the only one who stands between your dangerous dad and possibly deadly incident with an innocent person. Peace and courage to you as you navigate this challenge.
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It always amazes me how ONE person can cause SO much chaos and pain for SO many people. And the behavior goes on and on and ON because everyone is afraid to upset the bully even more and cause an even BIGGER problem, right? Blows my mind. My ex falls into this category, along with his mother. I divorced him 20 years ago and stopped speaking to her at the same time after she sent me a certified letter demanding all the gifts back she'd given me over the 22 years I was married to her son. I piled them all up in the foyer of my house and told the ex he had 24 hrs to come pick it all up or the Salvation Army truck would do so in the 25th hour. There was 27 lbs of Sterling silver tea and coffee service in there, along with antique oil paintings and various other things of value...lol. You betcha he sped right on over to pick up that load!

Sorry to digress

Seems to me that the medication list daddy's on ALONE should prohibit him from driving. Since when is a person allowed to drive while under the influence of anxiety meds and opioids???? Report him for DUI, or have your brother do it, and that should keep him off the road for a while.

Wishing you good luck and godspeed.....and for your poor mom as well.
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Report him to the DMV, they will run a driving record on him, request that his license be taken away from him due to his seizures. They will send him a letter revoking his license. Have your brother report him any time he gets behind the wheel, what you mother thinks is a non issue, by doing this you may be saving a life.
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As I just posted this on another thread... my mother in law became volatile, pounding the table with fists, threatening attorneys for elder abuse if we took away her keys. She has Alzheimer's and has gotten lost many times ( though she denies because she can't remember) and has a minor accident where she left the scene. IT IS OUR DUTY to get them off the streets! For the safety of themselves and anyone else on the road. Driving is not a right, as my mother in law believes, it is a privilege. Any low life attorney who would be representing their client in an accident involving your parent finds out they have all these issues and are on the road and nothing was done about revoking the license...... they will get every penny of your parents estate.... and possibly yours (according to our eldercare attorney). You do not want to be seen as knowing as there is a problem and did nothing.

You can always contact your DMV Medical Examining Board anonymously. State the information about the person in ad much detail as possible LEAVING OUT ALL EMOTION. State only medical facts, name , address of person, date of birth. But detailed information why they should not have a driver's license. When I read your post you have all the information needed, just remove your relationship and name and emotion. Let THEM be the bad guys. Send the letter or email every day until they respond to your inquiry. And they will, it's a tried and proven method. Best of luck!
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Can you start (if you haven't already) keeping a log of his behavior, his threats? Keeping the worrying voicemails and even discreetly doing some recording?

How upsetting! I am so sorry you and your family are having to deal with this.

I wonder if his doctor would say he is still able to be a safe gun owner? Just thinking aloud here, I wonder if the opinion of the doctor, and of the local police, could help in some way. What would be great is if the guns could at least be cleared from the home by the police because the owner of the guns is unstable and is a threat to others, to others in the home at the very least. It might be worth calling the police in his town or the county sheriff's office and see what they say or resources they might offer. Older unstable men with guns are probably on their radar screens more than we might imagine.
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Thank you Worried. I appreciate your support.
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Report him to DMV as a danger, and they will require a doctor evaluation. They may require him to do a written and driving test to keep his license, that’s if the doctor even approves it.
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CAli, I think when you get back, you need to call Adult Protective Services in your parents' town and discuss this very dangerous situation with them. It sounds as though your mom is in essence being held hostage. You father sounds unstable enough that he should not be driving and should not have access to firearms.

Your mother and brother should not be expected to handle this. Outside assistance is needed. Start with APS and see what their recommendation is.
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Thanks Barb, I hadn’t thought about APS. Gonna call my mom tonight & see what’s going on. My dad called & left me a message on Tuesday while I was out of state, he started off sounding normal but his tone changed at the end, Like he was angry. I know he’s probably devasted over the car but I’m worried the concussion has triggered more cognitive decline!
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Are Dads guns registered. If not, contact the police.
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Yes of course they are registered. They are all legally purchased. You can’t buy a gun without registering it and going through a clearance period.
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I would use the accident as the excuse for DMV to test him.
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My brother and I don’t really talk. He only called me to tell me about the accident. I’m the one who said he shouldn’t even be driving and that’s how we got to discussing it. I’ve taken a similar approach on other issues with the parents before-telling him there’s not much I can do down here especially when he doesn’t have a plan.

forgot to mention something rather important. My dad is on a ton of medications-antidepressants, blood pressure meds, anxiety meds, opioids for phantom pain. All the meds are part of the reason he’s not always “there” in the head. I believe he also has narcolepsy or a form of it. I really just wish he would stop driving!!!!!
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Shell38314 Jun 2019
Cali,
Just letting you know it started pm me again and following me around.

I wish I had a solution to your problem, but I don't. Just here for support. Sorry that your in that situation.
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The main difficulty here is that your mother and brother have enabled his bad behaviour and will continue to do so, you are powerless so my advice is to step away. Tell your bro that you will assist if he has a real plan in mind but otherwise you don't want to even hear about it - not your circus, not your monkey.
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JoAnn29 Jun 2019
Not so much enabling, they are probably scared of him. He has guns in the house. He is an abuser, they are victims who have been conditioned. Hard to break away from that.
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