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I posted yesterday but I had no idea what I was doing so I'm going to try again. My mother has alzheimers, she is a very sweet person. I live in Texas, my sister lives in PA and my Mother lived in VA, at the time we discovered mom was having issues I was single with no family around in Texas so my sister said she would take her to live with her, the doctor said 24 hour a day care and she promised me that she had someone that would come everyday, I reluctantly took her back to my sister to find out in about one month that she had no one staying with mom in the day, next thing I know I find out that my mom had fallen while no one was home and had a huge black eye, there was no reason for her to be left alone, she has enough money set aside for her care but my sister just chose not to have anyone come in. When I found out what was going on I talked to my boyfriend, he moved in with me and we went to PA to get my mom. she has had a caregiver with her everyday since she came to live with us. At the time mom was going to stay with my sister the deal was that I would come every vacation a couple times a year to be with my mom while my sister got to get away on vacation, I felt this was very fair and I had no issues at all in doing this, I had always spend vacations at mom's in the past anyway. Well now we have had mom at our house for almost 2 years. We just got married in September, believe it or not my first marriage at 53, my new husband has a special needs son that lives with us he also is just a joy, we all have a lot of fun together. I guess what hurts so bad and is so stressful, I ask my sister if she would be coming down this year on vacation so we could get away and rest for a while and I got the same answer that she gave me last year, she did not remember saying I had to come there on vacation to give her a break, she was tired and needed to get away so no she was planning her vacation in Florida, We got into quite an argument, she is very selfish, she tells me all the time that she wishes she could help me with mom BUT the only thing she wants to do is bark orders and question everything that my mother buys. I never take any money for Mom's expenses actually she only pays for her personal items and to have her hair done, its very insulting being ask questions about stuff like this when we are the only ones trying to take care of my mom. I'm not asking for her to take her for any amount of time actually I don't think I would allow it because I do not feel like she would be happy there, before anything ever happened to mom she expressed that if she ever did have to live with one of us she hoped that it would be me. I truly love my mom I am fortunate that I have a husband like Tom he helps in every way and I love his son dearly we have quite the family and I'm very proud I just have so much anger inside concerning my sister, she even told me one day when she was mad that if I brought mom to her house she would put her straight in a home. Mom is no where ready for a home and unless its medically necessary I would not do that to her anyway. My sister tries to bring up stupid things about my mother that happened when we were little kids and to me its just a parent raising their children the best that they knew how to do. I'm so stressed between work, my job is very demanding, I come to work go home and stay with Mom and Brandon, my husband's work requires him to be gone for 2 weeks at a time and to here my sister tell me that she is tired and refuses to give me a break has almost broken me I have vitamin deficiency's and now I have been diagnosed with High blood pressure but my sister just continues to argue with me every chance she gets, she will twist thing to make herself feel better so I have just stopped talking to her pretty much. I just have no idea how people can turn their backs on there own Mother and family members and have no guilt about it at all.

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With our son we are very fortunate that he has family member that step in and help plus he has a mother in town that is a very good mother but of course he would rather be with is father while he is here. Johnny and mom have become very close, we have not got to the toilet issues yet we just take things day by day. My reason for this posting is to try and understan how a daughter can turn there back on their mother and sister in a time like this, plus come up with an excuse as to why she is right. I would be so asshamed at what she has said and had been warned by my father years ago that this would happen, but of course NEVER belived it always stuck up for my sis. I could take long weekends and do once in a blue moon BUT is it so hard for her to have feelings and help two weeks a year??? This is a 24/7 thing for me and my new husband
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By the way, if you are paying Johnny, he is an employee and are you taking out taxes and providing him with a w-2? If not, it can all come back to bite you in the event that Mom eventually needs to apply for Medicaid.
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Not sure what your mother's personal needs are, but will Johnny be able to attend to them when they get icky? Is she not embarrassed to have a man attend to her toileting needs? My mom would be mortified, even in her dementia. They do need to be socialized, so if daycare is an option, perhaps even one day a week would be good.

Even if sis came to stay with mom while you were on vacation, where would the special needs son be? With you? With a caregiver? Perhaps instead of a full-fledge vacation, you could do weekends, and hire someone to come into the house to stay. Just a thought.
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Thank you all for the support, I have pretty much cut her off since the last round of emails, She might call my mom once or twice a month, lately she has called a little more because I have cut her off from email, text but she knows I will answer the phone at night so mom can talk to her. We have joint POA on mom so she can't do anything without my signature. There are family farms involved and she has already tried to sell them and I blocked her, that is my mothers home and been in the family for 100 years. I will need to check into guardianship I'm not sure what that is all about. Thanks again you have been so helpful by just letting me get all this off my chest.
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Money: Is Mom still "with it" enough to understand the concept of letting someone else handle her finances and make decisions for her? If so, go with her to a lawyer (Elder Law specialist) and let her make you her POA. If Sis is on any of Mom' accounts, close those and move the money to a new account for Mom on which you are POA. The banker can help with that. You decide what Mom's money is spent on. End of problem.

If Mom's dementia is too far advanced for giving you POA, then as Pam suggested, you might consider becoming her guardian. There is a lot more to that than to getting a POA.

Drama: Reduce your interactions with your sister. If necessary go so far as to change your phone number, although if it is a landline that might be traumatic for the rest of your household. Manage by screening the calls. Does Mom talk to Sis on the phone? I don't mean you should cut off her contact, but definitely reduce your own contact with this stressful bully.

If the stress with your sister is removed, and you are all one happy family, perhaps it will be fine to continue with Mom in your home. Use funds as needed for the help you need to make this possible. That should include things like a housekeeper for cleaning and laundry, and respite care when you and hubby want to get away for a weekend. Mom has money for her care, that is what it should be used for.

Dementia worsens. The time may come when Mom really will need more care than you can provide in a private home setting. Be open to that possibility. Enjoy your happy family while it lasts.
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Change your phone number or let her calls go to answering machine...don't listen just erase. You and your Mother do not need this woman in your life. Hopefully you have POA or guardianship for your Mom.

If you are really kind and overly generous you might send her a letter letting her know that due to your health you will no longer be taking her calls. You will only correspond in case of an emergency for your Mom. You have to take care of yourself first! Good luck.
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Thanks for your response, YES I'm very lucky that way she has money for her care, my sister is trying very hard not to use it which is another thing that is upsetting. When she went to PA with the promise that she would have care after a few weeks of questioning why she did not have care and was being left alone my sister snapped at me and said I don't think she needs care, it was doctor ordered and that is why I took her back. At the time I was single and could not provide that, I sat home for 3 days searching for someone to hire then felt bad that I was going to leave mom with someone I knew nothing about. My sister kept saying bring her back I can hire someone, her daughter is in her final year of nursing school and walked out and said I can't see grandma this way, they are so full of drama it's crazy. As far as the inheritance as much as I hate to say it YES I believe it's all she cares about. My dear friend has come everyday for 2 years to sit with her in the day, I pay him but my sis called the other day to tell me to get rid of him and take mom to day care everyday she said its half the price, we'll first of all mom does not want to leave the house, I know it could be good for her to socialize but she won't and she loves Johnny but here we go again with the money, I really do think that is what got my blood pressure my sis just never stops barking orders. Thank you both, I sometimes feel like I'm loosing my mind
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First of all, you have to quit trying to make your sister be a caring, concerned sibling/daughter. She isn't. Letting it stress you out will only hurt YOU. I learned this in my relationship with my brother. Once I let the anger at him go, my life got much, much better. I still have stress, but it's about 1/4 of what it was before.

Secondly, you have to find alternate ways to get respite. See if you can put your mom in an assisted living or independent living place for one or two weeks, so you and your husband can do whatever you would have done while your sister was there. It will cost money, but it will reduce your stress. And give you an idea of what might happen if your mom gets to the point she needs full-time care. You can tell mom she's getting a fancy vacation while you go on your vacation.

Many of us quote statistics on here that 1/3 of caregivers die before their loved ones do, because of the stress. So you have to learn to take care of your stress or you'll wind up in worse physical shape than you are now. Keep us posted and find a way to get mom some respite care so you can take a break.

I think your sister may be ticked because she was trying to save mom's money for an inheritance and you gummed up her plan. Is that possible?
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"she has enough money set aside for her care". You use those funds to get a full Guardianship status for her and you move her to Assisted Living or a Nursing Home. Why? Because you have high blood pressure, you are holding in a lot of stress and this situation will kill you if it continues.
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