My 78 year old mom has been with her "boyfriend" close to 20 years. They have never gotten married because mom gets alimony for life unless she gets remarried. Jack the boyfriend is Canadian so he has to go back to canada 6 months out of the year the other 6 he spends here in Arizona. Mom doesn't like it there so about 7 years ago it started. She comes here at 6pm and goes to her perfectly good paid for house in the morning. She is afraid to be alone. In the beginning jack left in April and came back to get her in June or July. This last year she decided to stay here all summer. Mom never worked and had a good financial life with my dad. She doesn't have any friends or hobbies, she wants our (my husband and myself) undivided attention when she is here, you know the only time my hubby and I have together! We have a 20 year old son who does his own thing. He's really a great kid although it's bugging him too. Every weekend she wants us to entertain her. Its hot here (120) in the summer and we dont want to go shopping or out to eat. She was a good mom but very needy she cant even pump her own gas! We offered her if she sells her house she could build a casita in our backyard or add a master bedroom and living room onto our house. She can't make a move without asking her gold digging husband as she likes to call him. I had his number years ago, all she is to him is a paycheck and a roof over his head in the winter. He needs more privacy so selling her house and building at my house is out of the question. My privacy never gets mentioned! She gives me maybe $150 foe electric while she's here. She brings coffee and toilet paper every few weeks too. This summer was horrible! I was laid off from my job, first time ever not working she never offers to help monetarily.we asked her for 500 to help she him haad around about how she would have to take it from savings blah blah blah! Fast forward to today jack has been back since October I'm only working part time so i asked her to help me her response... You guys still owe me 500 dollars! WTH? So i have a extra room that i could rent out or even have friends come visit me but can't because my mom is in a f*uped relationship and has to stay with us. Sorry if im babbling im so angry now! I will not let her stay here again and if that means the end of our relationship then so be it i cant do it again! She jas the best of both worlds. She doesnt do anything here becise something always hurts she offers to do the laundry well we all know everyone has their own way of folding so that really wouldn't help me. Her house is like a museum nothing ever out of place my house is always clean, beds made, no dishes in the sink but i dont always for example file my bills right away ill leave stuff on the counter but always tidy and she will tell me more than once you need to put this or that away. If i don't jump she gets all huffy. OMG somebody help me please i dont know what to do! My husband is the most laid back guy he supports whatever decision i make. Thanks!
I suggest English. You obviously speak it and I assume she does too. It is a very expressive language.
However, if the two of you generally speak some other language at home, that would work, too.
Don't sugarcoat anything and keep her s__t out of your house.
a) your mother's dependent personality?
b) the slight moral iffiness of her maintaining a permanent relationship that she hasn't formalised for financial reasons alone, combined with her ungracious attitude to her still-paying husband who, by the way - "that gold-digger you're talking about" - is presumably your dear papa? Oh! Sorry, I think I've misread that - is it that she realises her permanent boyfriend is a gold-digger (digging from your dear papa, then) but treats that as some kind of joke? In which case let's call that c).
d) her unsatisfactorily passive attitude to sorting out some kind of plan for herself - God knows she's got plenty of very acceptable options, you'd have thought - instead of flitting about the place without consideration for anybody else's preference for order and predictability?
e) her blithe disregard for the simple cost of living, and doesn't-know-she's-born objection to paying up on the grounds that she'd have to eke out her savings hem-hem?
f) the contrast between her carefree lifestyle and the harsh reality that you and your husband have bills to pay, while you're dealing with the stress and frustration of work problems?
Or a bit of all of them?
I feel for you. People who float around the place while you're dealing with real issues are a bit much. I have one beloved relative, for example, whose principle concern right now is that her fitness coach can't come to her house on a Monday. Oh dearie me, how will she cope...
Anyway, never mind me.
I don't think you need exactly, or just, to tell your mother that she can't live with you. I think you have a bigger subject on your plate: how are you going to deal with your mother, as she does become older and need more, real support, without losing your mind and wanting to throttle her.
Consider the lilies of the field… Your mother, from your description, is a lily, wouldn't you say? Now when you are having to deal with gritty reality, like bills and work, lilies are not really what you want as a centrepiece in your home. For her to cost you money on top of that really is too much. I do understand.
But your mother is currently a competent adult, and not only can you not change her, you have no right either to tell her what to do with her time, or where to live, or even that she must come to some sensible decisions.
You can, however, tell her that you have your own plans for your house during the summer months, and that while she will be a welcome guest it will not be possible for her to live there.
Before you have that kind of conversation, try to find some time to yourself to think deeply about your mother, who loves you and whom you clearly love, and how, and whether, you can re-learn to let her foibles wash over you and to concentrate on those aspects of her that you do enjoy. She isn't going to change. Her *circumstances* will change, and you may find yourself battling to get important decisions made about her welfare in the future, but she herself won't.
Things you mention, such as her perfectionism about paperwork, seem to me to indicate that it's got to the point where she is seriously getting on your nerves and it's time to grab hold of your sense of proportion before you lose it completely (and understandably, I don't blame you). Once you've had a chance to do that, then it's time to make her *sit down* and talk about the future, properly, with plenty of paper to hand for working out budgets. About what she wants, and what the possibilities are, and what you're prepared to help her with. And at that time, if you just get more of this la-di-dah attitude off her, you research local elder care planning consultants and take advice. And if, after that, after she's nodded gravely and said she understands and then does diddly about anything in spite of having a clear agenda, make your own plans and keep them ready for when she's run out of choices.
By the way. If boyfriend wanted her to do anything she didn't want to do, I bet she'd be perfectly able to make her own decisions all of a sudden. He is an excuse, and you needn't take him into account.
You say that she was a good mom, but not independent. Some moms are just that way. I think I might try to work something out. Maybe, you don't expect anything in her Will, but if you do, you may need to not tick her off.
Why not tell her that you have come up a proposal. First review the electric bills for the months that she is there and compare them to the ones that she is not. Have her pay the difference to cover the increase. If there are other expenses that she runs up, then lists them too. See if she feels comfortable paying it. If not, then you can tell her she'll have to make other arrangements. I can't imagine doing that, but if she is making you miserable and you had rather have other guests in your guests room, then I guess that's the answer. I would exhaust everything before I did that though. I bet it will really hurt her feelings.