How do I tell my husband of 54 years that I need to put him in a nursing home? I can’t take the pressure of taking care of him.

Your husband “is angry and agitated all the time. Yells at me constantly”. So when you tell him you can’t cope any more, you already know how he will take it. He will be angry and agitated, and he will yell at you. Just accept that this is what will happen.

You can hope that once the shift is over, his mood will change (people often improve with more care by strangers), that your tolerance will go up, and that things will get better. You know that things will get worse if nothing improves at home. Best wishes, Margaret

Here is a link to an article with 50 tips on transitioning your loved one to managed care:

https://www.seniorlink.com/blog/50-tips-on-transitioning-a-loved-one-to-memory-dementia-or-alzheimers-careyour-blog-post-title-here

I also suggest you read this 33 page booklet (a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.

The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2

She also has published a workbook entitled, “It Isn’t Common Sense: Interacting with People Who Have Memory Loss Due to Dementia.”

https://www.amazon.com/Isnt-Common-Sense-Interacting-Dementia/dp/1481995995/ref=sr_1_4?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468655&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-4

I think her books can be helpful for YOU as you process the loss & grief associated with your husband and the dementia you've lost him too. I'm sorry you are faced with all of this; I know how hard it is as I dealt with my mother for 6 years who had advanced dementia and lived in Memory Care AL. It was quite a brutal road to travel, for both of us.

Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate.

There is a lot of good information on this forum. Lealonnie1 is always on top of the best advice too!
Keep coming back and let us know what is going on with your situation. Even though each dementia patient is unique, being here, makes it much less so, and you will find a lot of other folks dealing with challenges like yours.

My husband was just like that last fall. Yelling, cussing and even striking out at me. I was so ready to leave, even thought about divorcing him. But I hung in there knowing it was the disease and not the man I married 54 years ago. I am glad I did stay because now the diseased as progressed and he is mild as a puppy. I love having him with me, even though he can barely speak and just sits all day looking out the window. Plus, at a cost of $7,200 a month for memory care unit, I was not going to do that until absolutely necessary.

Enlist the help of his doctor and request that the doctor tell both of you in his office. The doctor can follow up with a visit with a social worker on the same day, maybe even at doctor’s office. You’ll still get flak from your husband, but it might be blunted. Look forward to when he’s living in his new place!

PS.

please join me in a Zoom caregivers support group, next Thursday, at 10:30 AM, EST. We talk about issue like this and other caregiving challenges.

copy the link and paste it in your browser.

https://us02web.zoom.us/j/85885877283?pwd=ZjNJWTFOeVJXd2VvYzgyNWRRemt3dz09

A simple anti anxiety pill may be all he needs. If the mood is the only reason you feel you can’t take care of him, talk to his doctor. That may be the best solution. If you still feel the need, do your research on all the homes in your area. And remember, jist because you choose one does not mean you can’t move him if you are not happy with your first choice.

My prayers are with you! I’m in that same place of thinking I may have to place my bride in a care facility.

I agree with having the doctor recommend it. I did not see if the husband has dementia or other medical issues. My sister's husband with Parkinson's and Lewy Body Dementia had to be placed after 3 years of in home care giving. The doctor told him he was no longer safe and my sister was no longer safe under the conditions (he was a fall risk and also lashing out). Coming from a 3rd party helps when Hubby complains. Do make sure you have the legal authority to do this. Good luck.

Suhoke: Perhaps you could enlist the help of his physician. One factor is a given and that is YOU cannot continue being his caregiver as he "is angry and agitated all the time" and "yells at (you) constantly." When desperation comes into play, it is time for managed care. Best of luck.