How do I tell my elderly parent that I am no longer comfortable taking them out of Assisted Living due to their physical decline?
My father is nearly 92. Has been is assisted living for 2.5 years. He went in just barely using a cane and now he uses a walker and falls often.
We have brought him out for dinners or family gatherings. However after seeing how hard he had with the two steps getting into my home I stopped having him stay over Christmas eve about 2 years ago since he would never be able to get up and down a flight of stairs to the bedroom. That did not go over well.
This last Christmas he could barely use the walker and required total assistance in the bathroom. That is where I draw the line, I am not comfortable doing that. It actually took two of us for one of the bathroom trips. The second trip was at my assistance as he thought it would be ok to just have me empty his catheter bag in the family room in front of everyone. I have long ago stopped trips to the restaurant because he would pull up his pant leg several times to check the catheter bag in front of other diners.
Next week is his birthday and I plan on getting out of work a little early and bring take out to have dinner with him. Hoping it is nice enough to sit outside. The problem will be Easter. I really don't want to try and bring him over. We don't have a big family so gatherings are small. There aren't a lot of others who can help out while I am cooking dinner. Nor would I feel comfortable asking them to. In addition to having to watch him while he is here I also have to figure out getting him to and from my house. My kids have helped out in the past but I don't even know if they will be at their in laws or our house that day. I have also had on occasion where he has decided he didn't feel well and wanted to go home RIGHT NOW and I had to leave other guests to accommodate him.
How have others dealt with this when they realize taking a senior may not be in their best interest or becomes entirely too much work for all those involved?
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You need a break from the stove AND a break from being Dad’s arms/legs/wheels.
Option: Could you order a hot Easter dinner from your local grocery and bring it to Dad? (Along with a few family members?)
In my experience, grocery chains charge a very fair price for 1/4 ham & a couple quarts of hot sides & dinner rolls and a pie. AND they do all the work! Bring a handful of flatware/serveware/cutlery from home, some softened butter and a package of Chinet plates. Voila! You brought the holiday to Dad.
Or maybe meal at your house without Dad, then y’all pile in the car with desserts — and do coffee-n-sweets with Dad?
You can no longer take Dad out due to safety concerns (for anyone in your midst who requires an explanation - and by the way, they shouldn’t.) This is real.
It is no longer feasible for you to organize “field trips” for Dad and prop up his deteriorating mobility. Not safe. Not happening.
If anyone reacts with a pout or a big “but you have to,” ask him or her who’s gonna run the circus while you’re laid up with a broken wrist or a cracked spine? After all, Dad falls and you fall. NOT GOOD. Don’t open the door to that.
Things change.
It’s so, so draining to constantly make things happen for other people.
And it’s OK to stop, when the heroics no longer make sense.
Once you are a caregiver, everyone forgets about your health and your body. It’s up to you to carry that torch.
If somebody thinks “it doesn’t feel like Easter” unless you & Dad are both risking a trip to the ER, that person/people need to step up, shut up or get out of the way.
(((big hugs))) I’m a pleaser, too. 💗 Get tough!
You know Medicare will pay for therapy (supplimental will need to pick up the 20%) with a Drs. order. Therapy can be done at the AL. It may help with strengthening his legs.
I know it's hard, I recognise the urge to explain and justify, but you don't *have* to tell him anything, you know. Just think of the relief of saying to yourself: "this subject is not open for discussion."