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My dad is 70. He is physically and mentally sound and capable besides depression. He's INCREDIBLY sensitive. I literally have to carve out 2 hours of my day every day despite work and kids and chores because he comes over at a certain time to just SIT there and talk to me about stuff I really have no interest in. Sometimes it really throws a wrench in my day but I can't say anything because he will literally cry. Today he told me he wants us to get a bigger house so he can move in with us. I have already suggested him making friends or trying new activities but he's highly intelligent and obstinate. He refuses to do anything but watch documentaries that are either depressing or boring or talk about the same stuff over and over. He doesn't need help with health or anything. How can I tell him I just cant handle him being around 24/ 7?

Tell him sorry Dad, with the kids and holding down a job I really don't think that would work. Right now we r happy where we are. Moving is not something we will be doing in the near future. You will just have to try and make friends and join in activities at the IL. You are still pretty young. You can't expect us to be everything for you. We have jobs and responsibilities of our own.

About the 2 hr thing. I would continue to do my chores. Tell him he is welcome to stay but I need to get this done. No audience he may cut back on his visits.

Please, really, you can't be everything to Dad. You have a husband and children, they are your priorities. Dad needs to realize this now or you are going to have bigger problems later.
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Runlittlewolf Jan 18, 2019
Yes I feel it will be unhealthy for my marriage which is only 2 years old right now. My husband is not for it. My dad has his own ideas about how things should be done and he's dogmatic without realizing it. It takes all the patience I have to make it through my daily visit. I have tried doing other things but he tells me I need to sit down and focus on him :/ I am a personal trainer and I have to block out my scheldule and turn down money from 330 to 530 so he can be at the house. I wish he had a wife but he lives with his brother and they hate eachother. They are total opposites.
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Ask him how he felt about the years he had his parents living with him - no wait, that never happened, right😉
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Sendhelp Jan 18, 2019
CWillie, you must be on a roll this Friday night. This has got to be THE
TOP ANSWER in just about, f o r e v e r !!!

Your other answers are pretty sharp too....what is it that you put in your cocoa, or are you still taking NYQUIL????
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I am 81 and if I said I was going to move in with my daughter, or even if I went to visit that often, she would tell me very directly how it was for her. When I drop over and she offers me a cup of tea, I know it is a good time to visit If she doesn't I take the hint and leave after a few words. You can't let him control that much of your time, even with tears.

Yes, you can say something even if he cries. It is no different from people who control with anger. One way or the other he is controlling your life. This is not healthy for you or your family. You need to set boundaries. "Dad, we have no plans to alter our house. Have you thought about a seniors retirement home?". "Dad, I see you are lonely, but I cannot visit with you more that 3 x (or whatever works for you) a week."

You don't have to justify to him why - just tell him what you can and can't do. Depressed or not, he is manipulating you.
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Runlittlewolf Jan 19, 2019
If it comes up again I will just have to tell him the truth. My marrige is unstable and throwing extra baggage on it is sure to break it. He hasn't thought about what it would really be like. It would be uncomfortable at best. Maybe its time to get him a cat.
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runlittlewolf - I know it isn't easy, but you need to set limits for your and your family's survival. Yes, be clear to him about not moving in if it comes up again.

Your new hub can't be happy that your dad is commandeering that much of your time and energy M to F. You have a very busy life and your hub, yourself and your family come first. Start dealing with the smaller issue which is the daily 2 hour visit. As others have suggested stop making yourself so available to him during that time. Keep doing your chores, and if he objects, have an answer ready for him. "Dad I have limited time and I have to do these things."If he starts to cry tell him you are sorry that he is unhappy, but keep going. Plan to be away at that time a couple of days a week. Don't reinforce him by doing what he wants when he cries. You do NOT have to carve out time for him -not as much as you are. Assure him that he is important to you and you can visit with him x hours a week on a, b, c days. or whatever suits you. It is not your job to make him happy. No one is responsible for some one else's happiness.

My mother tried to take over my life. She was very intelligent too and extremely stubborn. So am I, and I would not allow it.

You mention that your marriage is unstable, Having your dad such a big item in your daily life isn't helping it. How does your hub feel about Dad's visits? Putting your Dad so high in your priorities may be causing your hub to feel that he is second best. He can be your best ally in dealing with your dad, If the two of you are on the same page, the two of you can talk to dad about his visits, and ideas of moving in. I can guarantee you that dad won't like having his visits curtailed, but truly, he is imposing on you and your family and only you, or you and your hub, can change that. Dad is testing the waters. You are tolerating, not comfortably, but you ARE tolerating him imposing on you 5 days of the week, The next step is moving in. Make changes now and see if your marriage improves. No man can be second best in his own house. ((((((hugs)))))
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Isthisrealyreal Jan 19, 2019
That is nothing but the truth.

(I just read all replies. He is totally manipulative and selfish. To tell you that you need to sit down and focus on him. Who does that to their grown daughter. It is past time to lay down the law. If he threatens suicide, tell him you don't want that garbage talk around your house and next time you are calling the police and having him committed because he is a danger to himself. Your kids will learn that they can use awfulness to get their own way if they watch this behavior. )

Imagine how he would feel when dad decided he was the head of the household?

I would never have tolerated it but in 2 days my dad showed he thought he moved in and took over. Nope, not gonna happen. Thankfully he ended up in the hospital and I found him an AL while he was getting care for 60 days. If not i would have lost my marriage and my home because of his manipulative and selfish behavior.

Set and keep boundaries starting now or you will be very unhappy. You are not responsible for his happiness, nor are you his socialization club, don't let him keep making all this your responsibility.

If he won't go have coffee at McDonalds with the old guys that is his problem to solve, not yours.

Does he take any antidepressants? Crying men are not common, maybe he needs a therapist.

Retirement can be very depressing, maybe a greeter at Walmart or some volunteer work to give back into his life the people connection that is lost with retirement.
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cwillie. Oh my!!! Just way to funny.  And realistic. Hope you are listening Runlittlewolf. May not be something you want to hear, but sometimes you have to just 'take the bull by the horns' as they say. Whoever 'they' are. And by the way, depression can be an incredibly real deal that some people have to deal with. But, there is help and treatment for that. Just guessing this may not be a new thing with him?  And intelligent and obstinate. Rough combo.
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Runlittlewolf Jan 18, 2019
super rough combo! There is no easy way to let him down I know. But his lifestyle isnt condusive to ours. We have 5 cats and 2 dogs and sometimes we get up 3 or 4 times a night because of a loud crash or whinning to go out and how he is about sleep I know he would want us to get rid of them and thats not happening. Plus kids arent quiet either.
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Dad- You should get a bigger house so I can move in.

You - Sorry dad. I moved out of your house when I was __________years old and worked hard to have my own place and so I can be the head of the house. I am not about to give that up, and go back to living with my dad and be a child again. ( This should clear up any misconception that he will have any authority in the house over you.) Or

You - Really dad? You want to be waken up 4-5 times a night by the dogs, and hear kids fighting and screaming everyday?

Or invite him to stay a weekend or a few weekdays. Make sure dogs bark day and night, kids fight, you run the house as you always do regardless of his input, and let him entertain himself. Maybe he'll change his mind after the visit.
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I like the part golden brought up about husband. If your marriage is shaky because of Dad, maybe husband needs to talk to Dad. I know we are getting away from the "head of household" thing but husbands thoughts and feelings matter. Maybe man to man would work. Your husband can say that those two hours take away from what you need to do to so that you have time for him and the kids. That as ur husband, he has priority over your Dad. Thats how marriage works. Things can no longer go on the way they have. Dad has to get his own life.
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Is your father's depression being treated by a competent medical health professional?
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