How do I tell Mum she is moving hospital to nursing home not her new flat?

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Have just flown over from Aus to spend a month trying to help my brother settle Mum into nursing home with good dementia care facilities. Mum as I spoke before is extremely difficult and narcissistic when she does not get her way shouting and abusive and holding grudges. Though in front of others often presents as charming but she can’t maintain it. In order to prevent her kicking off in hospital the decision by social worker and my brother was not to tell her till we knew she is in transit. She has been diagnosed with Vascular Dementia and delerium with the paranoia and obsessive fixations about other patients and nurses though on the whole has enjoyed watching comings and goings as next to nurses station for last 7 weeks recovering from a fall at home whilst living solo supported by regular carers toileting, dressing etc. Has been refused a place by first two best choice nursing homes as being not a mental or psychological fit for their other residents. I don’t know how to tell her today when I travel with her. My brother will meet me at the nursing home where we have put some of her things with more furniture and pics to follow. Do I fib, lie tell the truth this is your new home now Mum where you will have great carers? Also like daughter with rescue dog Mum took on cat with similar clause to return him so not just her house and things but also missing cat to contend with. Any ideas how I tell Mum later today?

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Glad to hear this!
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Again thanks for your support. Day two was much better and my brother decided not to visit to let Mum settle. My sis in law spent quality time with Mum on both days and I spent three hours quality time yesterday. I felt we made the right decisions. My brother and my sis in law or cousin or Mums housekeeper have all visited daily since hospital and had done whilst she was at home so making sure there is a familiar face for at least an hour to three has worked so far. She knows I return to Australia at the end of the month so seems to be happy to make the most of my visit, However, now facing those hard questions of ‘Where’s the cat? Why can’t I have money (policy of home as she is in dementia area and they feel it encourages theft). Where are my things? When can we visit the shops ( a five min walk to an Express Tesco ) etc. I am saying the cat is fine at your house and we are all taking turns to feed him. My brother and sis in law are even considering having him which would be a relief if they could show her pictures of him being cared for. No idea what to say about her house and things or money. But so far so good. Thanks Fi
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Dear Fi
I am so sorry. I know this is just awful for all three of you. The harsh words are so hard to hear. You are in a no win situation.
Does the facility advise you to leave her to them to get settled in?

“Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”

She’s doing her part. Try to get some rest. Be happy you have your brother, that you have each other to struggle through these long hard days.
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Try not to take it personal. Her mind is broken but at least she is safe. It may be worthwhile to stay away for a while for adjustment. Maybe you can call one of her caregivers in 2 days for a report on her adjustment. She may try to reason with you that she is competent. Just keep answer simple and keep repeating. You both are doing the right thing. Take care of yourselves.
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Tks 97yearold Mum and MACinT for your kind words. Today was one of the hardest ever. Initially anxiety, confusion not helped by an overworked community ambulance that arrived 3 hours later than was suggested, and major ructions with the hoist. Worst moment Mum in back of ambulance shaking in fear of unknown. Counterintuitively, putting all photos and home items in new room made it worse, ‘How dare you go into my house. And I’m not staying whatever you put here’.
10 o clock pm and still not consenting to hoist to get her from chair to bed apparently.She has Repacked all items left there ready for a speedier exit and didn’t want photos displaying happier times. Worst is brother has born the brunt of rage and she is refusing to ever speak again. Tks
Fi
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You might just give a partial fib. Tell her that the doctors say that she still needs some time to get well and that this will be her temporary home. Her goals to moving will be dressing, showers, tioleting, etc. Whatever you know to be true should be acceptable. Keep repeating simple statemnts rather than complex. What makes this true is that, sometimes a resident will shift back to a hospital then back to another NH.
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Fi
This is a hard journey you have before you. I’m not sure of the answer but will be with you in spirit.
Set your intention to be loving and gentle and encouraging and know that you really don’t have a choice but to move forward.
Let us know how it goes.
Hugs to you and mom and brother.
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