How do I tell my mom with dementia that she's going to a memory care facility?

Hi SuePeace. Thanks so much for the letting me know about your experience! That's a great idea. My mom's doctor is upset because I haven't told her yet, but she doesn't know my mom like I do.

Hi Coralmae! I just want to give you an update on how we moved Mom to the facility yesterday. (I think it was harder on me than her.) I had one sister drive her to the facility 30 minutes before they served lunch. We told her she was going to a Senior Luncheon. While there, mom visited with the other residents and had a long, leisure lunch with my sister. As all that was going on me and my other 2 sisters packed up two pickup trucks with her bedroom. We drove to the facility and set up her bedroom. My first sister left (who ate lunch with her) and mom was there all alone for about an hour. Then I went to the main room to visit with her. I never took her back to her bedroom or anything else like that. I just sat and chatted then I told her I had to leave and run some errands. Things did not register with mom due to her Alzheimer's. I checked on her today and she seemed OK. At one point she asked to go home, but I had to keep in mind that even when I cared for her at her home, she always asked to go home then too. I just told her the doctors need to evaluate her physical well being before she may be able to go home. Then I left for the day. So far, it seems OK. My biggest fear were the other residents. I don't want to sound mean, but most of them were in a stupor and my mom likes to be social. I brought this to the attention of the Director and she said they will sit mom next to more talkative residents. I hope this helps.

I just want to give New Member an update on my situation. I am the one who originally said that I tell my Mom that she I was going to be away for a few days and that she was going to stay in a hotel. I think that was misunderstood by a couple of posters, thinking that I was saying that Mom was going to go on vacation. At any rate, the nurse came over today from the memory care unit to do an evaluation. She was wonderful! It took about an hour but some of the questions were designed to see what my mother enjoyed doing, etc. The other questions were focused on Mom's ability to do things on her own and I was invited to join in. She was asked if she cooked for herself, did her own grocery shopping, her own laundry, took a shower and washed her hair. My mom said yes to everything while I sat there and rolled my eyes. The nurse asked her if I helped her in any way and Mom said "sometimes". Hysterical moment for me! Then when the nurse asked my mom what county she lived in, what the day was, what the date was, and asked her to draw the infamous hands on a clock to a certain time, Mom failed miserably. The nurse told her that she had a done a great job and that she was going to put her name into a "drawing" for a contest that would offer her a free place to stay for a week or so, including her own room and 3 meals per day. Mom perked up at that, even though she had started to get suspicious of all the questions. When I walked the nurse out to her car, she gave me her card and promised that she would keep on eye on Mom until she got settled in and that I should mention the contest every now and then. She also told me not to overdo it. When the time comes, my friend and I are going to take Mom to a restaurant for lunch and then take her to the memory care unit and tell her that she "won" the contest. The staff will take care or the rest of it. I'm sorry that I'm so long winded here, but it's a relief to know that I have an "out" without telling her before hand that she has to move. New Member, I hope this missive helps you.

When it was time to move my two friends (as their POA) into a memory care apartment, I had another friend take them to breakfast in a nearby town and then to have their nails done at their regular nail place. While they were gone, we arranged to have their bedroom and den furniture moved to their new apartment. We were just finishing up when they got there and when they saw their same bedroom furniture arranged the same way, the same pictures on the wall, the same recliner, couch and tv set up the same way as in their condo, the husband sat down with a sigh of relief and has been happy ever since. He was so sure they could continue living on their own, due to his short term memory issues and inability to notice his wife's changes. The wife's frontal temporal dementia was progressing rapidly and she needed 24 hour care. The place I found for them has done a terrific job of monitoring their needs and clueing me in on any changes and giving me advice since I have never done this before. I stop in different days of the week and different times and everything is always good. I feel relieved to have found such a good solution. The wife only lasted another 5 months before her brain was just shutting down and she could no longer swallow and hospice care took over and made sure she was comfortable. Now, almost two years later, the husband is still happy there. He has new friends to eat with and socialize with and otherwise is happy to sit in his recliner and watch tv and read the newspaper. He is physically healthy, but a doctor comes once or twice a month and checks up on him. The regular staff also monitors him and makes sure he takes his blood pressure meds and evaluates him at the same time. I am always happy to visit there and engage with the staff, too. I feel very, very fortunate to have found such a place. I visited 8 or 9 different AL/MC places before settling on this one and came back to this one 3-4 times before settling on it. Before the final move, the nurse there came to visit my friends at their home to evaluate their needs and so they were better prepared to meet them. She gave me important advice on their abilities and what to expect. It can turn out well and there should be no feelings of guilt associated with such a move. You have already done far more that most people, and when I turned it over to the people trained and able to handle their needs, it was a relief. I hope you find it the same.

Kindnessmatters,
From your posts, this subject has hit a nerve for you on the various ways to move your loved one into a memory care facility.
As stated, there are some people that willingly go, some that you have to "sell them on the idea" and some you have to tell small fibs or say their "Doctor suggested it" to get them to move. Then there are the "hard core" holdouts like my mother. "I AM NEVER going into to a place like that." I brought it up once in the doctors office, who agreed with me and, I swear, I thought she'd take a swing at both of us. She was in Stage 5 Alzheimer's at the time.

I am a nurse. In my better judgement, I had mom take 1-1/2 mg. of Ativan (an anti-anxiety drug she had prescribed and took every night anyway) but I gave it the morning before we "went to the doctor." (Got admitted to memory care.)
Please understand that I would never just routinely dope up my mother. I also am an advocate for senior rights (I might be in the same boat one day!) But there ARE instances where medication is warranted. (My mother was very confused and started wandering in the senior apartment complex at 3am.)
Also, I would rather lie about where we're going (memory care) than get the police involved. But it IS a last resort to get them to go, especially if they are a danger to themselves or others or unwilling to leave the home. I would not recommend having to do that under most circumstances.

I am my mothers only child. She has a grandson that lives 500 miles away and is studying for his BS degree.
She also has 4 living brothers and sisters who are near her age.

My mom signed over her rights to me to make decisions for when she was no longer competent. Just about immediately she was no longer competent and I had to move her to memory care.
As for having the right to move her, I have POA, Advance Health Care Directive and a Last Will and Testament that all state that I have the right to make her living decisions. I don't need guardianship because all the documents name me. Also, who is going to contest what I deem best for my mother?
I understand that guardianship would be necessary in certain situations. However, no one is going to come and rip my stage 6 Alzheimer's mother out of my home.

Relocating a loved one really is all about what type of personality they have. Each case should be considered individually.

Not having read all of these suggestions, here's my thoughts; first, I would talk to the doctor about medication for her anxiety. How is she going to cope with this difficult transition on top of an anxiety problem that is not being managed. Then, tell her the truth, that it is now time for her to have a different living arrangement. That the doctor recommends it; that there is someone there all the time to help her, new friends, activities, different menu to try, should be fun. That you have checked it out and made sure it's a good place. And, that you will visit all the time (and call, if they have phones). I am and RN and have been the POA for Healthcare and Legal Guardian for my Mom for 4 years, through 1 year Assisted Living (against her will / with 3 stays in Geriatric Psych), then 2 years Memory Care, then 6 months at home with me, then 5 mo (so far) in Nursing Home. Good Luck.

from terrified, NO your not a horrible person i'm going thru a very similar problem however I've already told my mom in away of stating (in which happened) that the Social Worker here at the hospital has suggested that you go to an Assisted Living rehabilitation center plus memory care. due to i and the caregiver are unable to give you the care that you are needing now with the new fall breaking/fracturing your leg from the previous fall, and the memory care needed for your dementia. So when you get discharged from the hospital you will be going to this facility, and at that time of saying that my mom said quite fast OK and shes still in the hospital due to not being able to walk correctly as of yet. but the facility will be ready when she is, so as far as the social worker from the hospital she stated that i'm on burnout(due to i'm an only child trying to take care of her mom) and i will either be next in the hospital or worse so its highly suggested to place her in assisted living. for the remaining life she has and for me and her to have some quality of a relationship in that time, instead of always fighting or having bad memories. so in answer to the last of your question you are doing the right thing for yourself and your mom to have the best quality of life left for both of you, and i know its even hard for me to except that i have done this in placing her but i know its the best for her, and me . hope this helps in knowing your not alone with this situation there are many of us out there trying to except this responsibility of caregiving and find out we need help, in the long run of it all!

You are most definitely not a horrible person, or daughter. All of us who have reached the point you are at now have struggled with the decision to move our loved one to AL, memory care of NH level care. It is an exhausting and heartbreaking road, but ultimately we all must make the decision that we believe in our hearts is the right one not just for our loved one, but for ourselves, our families and our sanity. Please know you have many on this site who feel and totally understand the pain you are experiencing, but coming back to share as you are able will provide you with a level of support you will be constantly surprised by.....I know I am and am forever grateful for my husband having pointed me to it. Hugs to you during your journey....

Sort of in your shoes--Mom lived with us for 13 1/2 years, but the Alzheimer's didn't get really bad until February. I approached the move to memory care being all about her. "Mom, your doctors are very concerned about you. (She was shocked!) They're worried that there's only one person in the house to care for you. What if that person gets sick? What if that person falls down? What is that person doesn't show up? You would be here all alone with no one to care for you for HOURS. The doctors are afraid that this will happen to you. They say you need to be in a place with several caregivers so that if one cannot help you, another one can." She understood (a miracle in itself), she moved with no hesitation, and she has never asked to come home.

Maybe this approach will work for you. God bless you for all the care you've given your mom. She may not appreciate you, but all of us fellow caregivers admire your dedication!

I know how difficult this is because I lived it. After much agonizing, I finally told mom I was taking her to a nice lunch at a new place.
After we enjoyed lunch on the patio, I excused myself to go to the ladies room and went to get the director of the facility.
This had all been arranged in advance. He gently gave mom a little tour and took her up to the memory care floor. I waited over a week to visit her. She was happy to see me and asked how I found out she was here.

Kindnessmatters ... You are 100% correct that a person in full possession of their physical and mental faculties cannot, and must not, be "tricked" into a residential setting.

HOWEVER -- even if pre-dementia discussions had gone well, after dementia sets in, and cognition is impaired, the loved one may well forget all of the prior attempts at cooperative planning. Still, 24/7 care is a must.

At that point, reasoning with the loved one will not work. For them, reason no longer exists. At that point, "loving deception" or "therapeutic lies" can be the only way to ensure proper care.

Personally, I hope I never to get to the point where I need to be "tricked." But at the same time, I hope my family will have the wisdom to "trick" me, and yes, use anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds, if it becomes necessary for ALL of us.

I don't agree with one of the posts regarding a mild med to assist. Should we drug up the elderly relative when their feelings are realistic based on the situation.

Sue1957 is incorrect. POA does not give you the legal right or the Police the authority to remove someone from their home. You have to obtain Guardianship which deems someone as incapacitated. Are we really going to waste the Police's time. I have heard this barbaric and dehumanizing tactic recommended to families by ignorant relatives or even the ALF. The conversation and decision needs to be had with the elderly family member before they are suffering from dementia. Elderly citizens have rights. If you are unable to do the right thing, then do not accept the POA.

Hello! I am going through the exact same thing you are at this time in my life. My mother is 89, Alzheimer's, and lives in her own home. I cared for her for 5-1/2 years until this took a toll on my health so now me and two other siblings play tag 24/7. Mom is not very mobile now, and we can no longer get her in the shower. I just put a deposit down on a care facility. Thinking how to do the "big move." We decided that on the day of the move - take mom to someone else's house for a visit as we move her bedroom and clothing into the new facility. (It's useless for me to tell her for she can't remember one thing from the next.) Then, in the evening, when her Sundowners kicks in (may sound cruel) we are going to drive her to the facility, wheel her into her bedroom so she can go to sleep. A greeting team will be there for us too. (During Mom's sundowners she gets very confused on where she is and says she wants to go home.) I can't think of any other way at this time, but that is our plan for the big move. Keep in mind the first place you move her to may not be the best. Sometimes you have to try several places. So don't lose hope! I think mom will feel better in due time by being clean, socializing, being entertained at the facility and having new friends. All her friends have died. :-( It will be great for US to go back to being daughters and not just caregivers. Good Luck and you are not alone with this task.

We put my 86 year old mother in law in an assisted living facility for memory care. She was extremely upset but we had to do it as we were in your situation where we had to work to pay bills. For the first 3 days she packed up all her belongings and sat on her bed and kept saying I am going home. Every day we would unpack her and every day she would pack things up. After the first 3 days she settled down and got used to it. I think it is just as hard on the caregiver as the mother/MIL. Hang in there, it gets better.

My husband has ALZ and when it became impossible to care for him (anger issues etc.) I told him the house needed some repairs and he could stay FREE at a facility while the house was under repair and I could stay with my sister. Of course it wasn't free but I knew he wouldn't go otherwise. After a time his memory of ever having a family was gone and he remains in a very good facility. Heartbreaking, difficult and expensive disease for families.

Just make sure you stay on top of them as your mother's advocate. I had my mother in NH for 10 months & took her home. It's been 5 months she's home. She picked up every germ there & did not notice when she got really sick running a fever & slurring her words. In addition since I did her laundry I saw all the times they didn't take her to toilet as she was sitting in it all day. However I don't have husband, children or ft job. You have to make your presence known. Good luck. Oh I forgot to add I'm not only child but am the only child who does caregiving. My brother works & comes to "visit" my 1x every 1-2 months & stays a couple of hrs & goes back to his life. Then Mom will ask when is the last time you saw/spoke to your brother since she don't remember same days visit.

Just make sure you stay on top of them as your mother's advocate. I had my mother in NH for 10 months & took her home. It's been 5 months she's home. She picked up every germ there & did not notice when she got really sick running a fever & slurring her words. In addition since I did her laundry I saw all the times they didn't take her to toilet as she was sitting in it all day. However I don't have husband, children or ft job. You have to make your presence known. Good luck.

Dear New Member,
My heart goes out to you since my situation is somewhat similar. I had been taking care of Mama's finances for two years when our "incident" occurred -- she got into her car one afternoon and ended up running out of gas 250 miles from home. Up until that point, I had not forced the issue when she refused to see her doctor or her take her meds (she had been on blood pressure meds and blood thinners, for Pete's sake, but quit everything "cold turkey" after deciding that she didn't need them anymore. And no, she's not a doctor!) After her little trip, I said, "No more" and took her to the doctor as soon as we could get in. Mama has always been an in-control, I'm in charge, nobody's going to tell me what to do type person but that ended, as far as I was concerned, when I finally had to face the fact that she could no longer make good decisions or be safe in her own home. There's a whole lot more that I could write but I want to address your concern about being a "better daughter." I, like you, ended up being more of an unpaid employee than a daughter. When I would go to Mama's, I would spend the entire time doing things, fixing things, unscrambling things; we didn't have much of a relationship at all, at least as far as I was concerned. Fast forward to now -- Mama is in a skilled nursing facility (she didn't qualify for assisted living) and although it took her going to an inpatient geriatric psychiatric facility for two weeks then adjusting to the nursing home for a couple more weeks, I can say for certain that this was THE BEST thing for my mama. She is being cared for, is around people, and is more contented than she's been in a long time. Now, when I visit (she's less than five minutes away) we go play bingo in the dining hall, make a late-night milkshake run to Sonic, or I just crawl in bed with her and rub her back. Our relationship has become sweeter than I ever dreamed. 
Everybody's situation is different but I want you to know that you don't have to be afraid of what's ahead. Just do what you know in your heart is best for your mom and be assured that you ARE a good daughter, no matter what happens! 
Hugs & Blessings!

I was surprised that so many responded as I intended to - get her in the car however will make it easiest for you - and her. I am sure that the staff will welcome her upon arrival - they know how difficult this is for everyone concerned. I'd suggest that you consider ahead of time how you can protect yourself psychologically and emotionally from whatever or however she may respond in the process of being transported and when actually there. You are doing what is in her best interest - and yours. You deserve a life - your life. You have done exceptionally well with your mom - all these years. Give yourself a huge pat on the back and know that transitions are difficult for everyone involved; perhaps esp family that is aware of what is going on. She will adjust - however she does. I heard someone refer to moving into a care facility as 'going to a hotel' - being on vacation. I don't know if this might work with her. What you really DON'T want to do is set up a narrative where she will blast you verbally - although she may do that anyway. When parts of a person's brain no longer function or aren't there, I do not consider what you say as lying. It is doing the best you can in a very delicate and sad situation.

You have gone above and beyond any obligation and your long journey is done! I hope you now feel the greatest relief and get a new outlook on the life still ahead of you, god bless! (My mother didn't even know she was in her own house toward the end ... we had all the papers signed (POA, will, living will, quit claim deed on house - everything!)  years ahead of time. She stayed in her house longer than she should have.  She couldn't answer the phone or open the door.  Couldn't read a book or the mail, much less do any hobbies.  She was pretty good natured, but just sat in front of the tv, shuffled to the bathroom for a while till she needed Depends, and...it was just awful.    I got her on Medicaid and into a nursing home right quick when she started falling down and splitting her scalp open.  Her wonderful wonderful (paid) part time caregiver and I packed up some things, put her in the car, and took her for a ride. The nursing home people met her at the entrance, and 3 hours later, I saw her in the day room having some pudding. I said, you will be here for a few days for observation, and she was very chill with it all. Never once talked about her house or going back.  I suppose I was lucky!  But by then, though she talked and recognized me, nothing made sense. She talked and talked, but none of it made sense. But she stayed there for two years, got adequate care, I visited once a week, and she did well till her decline...she passed away in her sleep, peacefully.)

Lots of appropriate answers here. I used to work in an AL facility and let me say that NO! You are not a terrible person! 7 years of your life put on hold for your mom is extremely commendable. You have done everything you could. But eventually it comes down to the point you are at now where there is nothing left. At that point, getting her into a good facility, that will take care of her, is the best thing you can do for her.
Like many have said, do not tell her ahead of time where she is going. When she gets there, have staff distract her with some activity or something and then slip away. Yes, she may be angry or upset, but the staff is used to working with them, getting their mind off of it, telling them you'll be back shortly, whatever they need to. When someone with dementia makes such a big transition as that, their whole world is turned upside down for a while - no getting around it. So, they may ask you to not even visit for a while until she gets settled in a little bit and used to the routine and other residents and staff there. This might take a week or a month - just be patient. It helps to have as many objects of familiarity to her as you can get into her room or little apartment. And it helps for them to know as much as they can about her. Such as what her interests are - knitting or crocheting, reading, crossword puzzles, playing cards or board games, watching certain TV shows, bingo, adult coloring books, etc. What time she likes to go to bed at night and get up in the morning. Does she get cold easy (wears sweaters) - or too hot easy (dress lightly). Any little interests or quirks that help her to feel like they really know her and want her to be comfortable helps. And perhaps talk to them about having the doctor try a mild med to soothe her fears and anxiety. As long as they are not prone to over-medicate over every little thing.
You will still have certain responsibilities with her - supplying all her personal needs, maybe taking her to appointments depending on the facility, monitoring her personal and medical care to make sure things are being done to the best of their ability, etc. But there will be a lot that you will be relieved of (like taking care of her house) that should take a big load off of your shoulders. God bless, and good luck!

PearlSpirit,

That's an awesome report regarding how your Mom has accepted her new environment, and how well her appetite has been since. Wonderful! :-)

You could tell her she is going for rehab to get extra help. Which they will give her therapy. My husband is in one and that is what works for me.

Hello Ms.Nubi---
You have done what needed to be done.----
Because of the mind problems, you will not be able to rationalize any of your actions to your Mom so forget that.
Your Mom is no longer present in that body.

Now what to do---
Ask for a Professional Counselor to come and explain the process to Mom while she takes Mom to the place where she will reside. Save your self the pain, you have given
and now is the time for you to let go. We ONLY"s are in an ever tightening squeeze
on ourselves.
Now you must be reasonable with you and your family, go to see her when you
feel up to the stress of seeing her in the new place---That will not be an easy task,
so take some support with you.
Peace, love and understanding to you all.......

Ni NewMember,

NO, YOU'RE NOT a horrible person! Your reasons you explained for your decision are sound, for both the well being of your Mom and for yourself! I feel the more truthful you are with explaining it to your Mom - the better, even if she doesn't understand.

If your Mom was not ill with Dementia she would most likely understand and 'not hate you' for the decision, so don't allow any possible complaints from her to build up a guilt-trip onto your shoulders.

Was your Mom a social person before she became ill? If so then perhaps you could use that as a way to play up the positive, as an opportunity for her to be able to be more sociable. Did she like doing crafts when she was well? She'll also have an opportunity to perhaps express some of her creativity with new friends.

Surely there will be an adjustment period, but I believe based on the details you described regarding her and your life, you would be making the right decision to place her in a memory care center or equivalent type of living arrangement such as an adult family home.

One last point - your relationship will be more positive between you and your Mom. She'll probably identify that some time after she is living somewhere else. In that you won't have to do everything you do now for her, you will instead have the opportunity to have more of a normal 'mother - daughter' relationship. :-) For both you and her, that will be a time to create some new positive memories.

Best regards!

New member, I am going through the same thing. The memory care unit says that they can take my mom in, within a month. A nurse from the memory care unit it coming over to her house with me to talk to her next week, and then I will be taking her to her doctor for an evaluation (the memory care unit requires this). I know that my mom will refuse to go, so I have lined up a couple of my friends to help me actually move her belongings. I was speaking to a client of mine and she suggested that I tell my mom that I had to go out of town for a few weeks and that she would need to go to a hotel, where she would be taken care of. She suggested that I stay away for at least a couple of weeks, which will kill me, but it seems like something like this will work.
Even though we have talked about her going, sometimes she will be okay with it and at other times, she says she doesn't need to go. Of course, she forgets all of the conversations. Yes, I do feel guilty but I can't let her stay in her own home any longer. Just remember that you are doing the right thing and take the excellent advice that has been given here.

I just moved my mom (vascular dementia, heart disease) into an assisted living last week. She had been living alone in an apartment for years. Unlike many others here, I didn't lie to her - it wouldn't have easily worked because even though my mom's dementia and memory loss is rapidly advancing, she's also still very smart and asks a lot of questions. I just told her she was moving, and that was that. Of course I attempted to have long loving conversations about why it was in her best interest to move for her health and safety (including showing her the doctor letter strongly recommending an ALF). But in the end at this level of dementia no amount of discussion or reasoning works. I couldn't set up everything in advance without her knowing because she never left her old apartment to go anywhere else. I had to arrange her move to time with my brother's vacation, and I couldn't have done it without him. She ordered the packer out of her old apartment, screamed at the movers, and said over and over she wasn't moving. In the end, on the move day, my brother had to physically carry her out to the car to drive her to the new facility. And then a strange thing happened. As soon as she got there she dropped her resistance and so far, has really liked new apartment. We set it up with her favorite decor and it now feels like home for her. In fact she now says "This is exactly like the last apartment I lived in!" As I also suspected might happen, she has been very confused. She suddenly can't remember the old apartment, although she remembers some of the people who lived there. Anyway this first week she has been living in the assisted living apartment, she has been eating multiple meals a day, getting medications on a regular basis, getting daily attention, and her mood is the most stable that I've seen in a long while. I'm expecting ups and downs but this was absolutely necessary in her situation and I have no regrets.

My 90 year old sister was not taking care of herself, the children said " we're moving you to a place that can help you more then we can". The same day she was visiting with her new friends and seemed very happy.

One year ago at this moment my husband was being taken by ambulance from your home for the last time. He suffered with Dementia for so many years. I did the very best for him that I could....some days were better than others. He had just spent a few weeks in a nursing facility for rehab after a hospital stay due to a heart attack and a stroke. I had him here for three days and he was so extremely dehydrated from his NH stay that he drank his water constantly. He was so very obviously different when I got him back home and weaker than he had ever been. I had to call the ambulance since his oxygen level and heart rate were very low. He lived for 14 days in the hospital, before he died. As a constant caregiver for many years I have found I am now pretty lost. I never realized that we were on my sweet husband's schedule. I am sure you are on your mom's schedule too whether you realize it or not. I am telling you that I think it will be best for both of you for your mom to move to a care facility. She may not like it, but she will get used to it. You may not find it as much of a timesaver for yourself however. I spent all afternoon and evening there with my husband. I also work so worked in the morning and then again once I got back home and to where the office is. This has been the most difficult year of my life....believe it or not. Dementia is hard and takes lives long before death. I wish you the best and pray that your decision for a life change for both you and your mom will be the best for both of you.