I have worked as a nursing home social worker in the past for many years. I DO NOT recommend telling your mother that it is only temporary unless your mother has severe memory/behavior issues. This robs her of her need to grieve then adjust. It is a big adjustment and if she thinks it is temporary, she may choose to not make bonds with staff and other residents. She may choose to isolate rather than join in activities. She will need to grieve this reality at some point, if possible, allow her to grieve ot right away rather than later when she may feel that she failed at getting well enough to go home. Also, you will rob her of grieving the loss of her current home. Is she well enough to participate in making decisions of what personal items to bring to decorate her room? Can she chose to give some of her items to family? that could be theraputic to her grieving. Also, it just might be better to have her freak out in the comfort of her own home rather than at a new strange place. If she does have severe memory loss and or behavioral issues, then you can delay telling her and expect her to not understand. Dementia and mental health issues are very sad diseases. Bring personal items into her room to make it look like her personal space with things she likes, a blanket from home is always a nice touch! Either way, brace yourself for the freak out. Be confident and secure in your choices before talking to her. If you know in your heart you are doing the right thing, then you will be able to endure this! Blessings to you!
I know what you are going through as you consider this. My heart goes out to you and your mother. My dad had terrible dementia at age 90. He was at risk at home, and not a candidate for one of us living with him (due to his personality and his refusal to give up his guns!), or him living with one of us. When he started to roam the neighborhood at night looking for his "lost" wife (who had died a year before), we got him in to a memory care AL facility by subterfuge, telling him it was for live-in physical therapy for his legs and some weight gain..not really a lie because we hoped he would do better there, but in reality he was never going home.
If I ever get to this stage, my children or spouse will have my currently-given permission to do what's best for all of us, including a nursing home if necessary. I don't want them to go through what my siblings and I went through with my difficult father. I wish you the best as you work through this for your family.
Like Barbara 123 I was able to find a lovely home for the last 3 years of Dad's life. I visited many before I found the one. I now care for my widowed BIL who has dementia. Although he's away of needing care away from home I'm researching places for when the time does come. For me it's better to have an idea before I need to implement it. Sadly Dad's wonderful place won't work as it was for brain injury and can not deal with later stage dementia. With regard to the oft raised topic of people caring for parents because they brought us up. I'm amazed that know one ever seems to raise the fact that, that decision was the parents choice. They didn't have to make those sacrifices they wanted to, because they wanted a child. Children don't ask to be born so why should they have a debt of care when they are grown? I had abusive parents & chose to care for them in later life. My choice willingly made, unlike the choice they forced on me at 4.5 years old to single handedly raise my new born brother. Thankfully I was succesfull & he's now a Grandfather. I would absolutely not expect him to care for me as I get older. Nor would I want or expect my adopted children (parental abuse stopped me carrying a baby) to be in that position. I chose parenting for my children because I wanted them and love them not so I'd have nursing care in my dotage. I'm not advocating ignoring our parents, just not the guilt tripping I so often read that we owe them for their decision to have us. As a parent I want the best for my brood and that does not include washing my privates when I can't! I want to hang on to every shred of dignity I have and be Mum to my children I can't do that if they are my carers. I believe this is something we should all be thinking about while we can and start checking our options and then let our loved ones know what we want when the time comes.
You do not give us much information about your mother, so I can only say that if she has made negative comments about a nursing home in the past, she probably will object now, however, if she has dementia (this site's purpose) then she probably will forget what was said. Do not sweat the small stuff, as I am sure you are doing what is best for your mother. Best wishes!
Well said, Windyridge!. I despise the ol' "They took care of you; now it's your turn to take care of them".Taking care of kids who grow out of diapers in a few years and gradually learn to do everything for themselves is so much different than caring for elderly parents who are going in the opposite direction. SO different. And there is none of the joy that comes with caring for children to make the hard parts worth it. Not in my case, at least - we have never been the loving Brady Bunch Family, to say the least And neither of my parents ever had to care for either of their parents in their old age so they have no understanding how difficult it all is for me. Well, my mother does, even though she never went through it personally - she is an empathetic person naturally. My dad, not so much; he just feels and acts entitled. Sigh...
sometimes it is better to tell them that they need to go there temporarily in order to get stronger, etc. This is what we did with my dad, he fell 2 times within 2 days, my mother with arthritis could no longer care for him properly (she is diabetic) as he would fight her in everything from eating to taking pills,etc. I told him that he needed to go for therapy (which he did do for awhile) until he got stronger to come home. Even though we knew he would never come home (he has dementia/alzheimers) and we never did tell him any different and he never asks where he is or when he is coming home. he doesn't talk about the present but we have plenty of experiences thru his mind of what he is doing or where he is at (the other day on a ship, one day buying oil/antifreeze/ the next getting ready to mow yard). You have to go with the flow, check out the homes beforehand, see what they have to offer, etc. Good luck and don't feel guilty.
Some nursing homes are community centered and not at all like the hospital feeling, dreary places people are used to. I am in this exact situation. I signed the paperwork last night and my Mom, who has Alzheimer's, moves in next week. I have to tell her this weekend. If you have the financial means, there are better places for her. The facility I placed her in is a Brookdale owned assisted living facility. It looks like a very nice hotel, inside and out. There are no smells, the rooms are very nice and you completely furnish and personalize them. The food is fantastic, and they have many choices. The dining room looks like a fancy restaurant, linen table cloths, flowers and chandeliers. There are lots of activities, and the residents have freedom to choose what they want to do. They get up when they want, go to bed when they want, and basically have control over their day. They even have a church, beauty salon and take them out on a field trip every week. And it is always voluntary. The grounds are beautiful. Every resident I saw was smiling and happy. I know it is not always possible to send your loved one to a place like this, but in truth, it was actually far less expensive than I thought it would be. Brookdale is nation-wide, so if you are looking, see if there is one in your area. That being said, I still don't know exactly how to tell her, and I think she will freak out too. I plan to have myself and my daughter, her two current caregivers, talk to her. No one else so she doesn't feel ganged up on. I truly think it is a better place than my home and that she will be happier with friends her age who share her challenges. I will tell her so. And it is such a pleasant place to visit, that her family will enjoy visiting her, so she will see us a lot. (Kids are always welcome, and residents can even have a pet!) the facility asked that we don't visit the first week to allow them to settle in and get used to the routine. I am not sure about that, but I can see how it might help. It will not be easy for me either way, and this has been a very stressful decision. I feel for everyone sharing this situation.
Some nursing homes are community centered and not at all like the hospital feeling, dreary places people are used to. I am in this exact situation. I signed the paperwork last night and my Mom, who has Alzheimer's, moves in next week. I have to tell her this weekend. If you have the financial means, there are better places for her. The facility I placed her in is a Brookdale owned assisted living facility. It looks like a very nice hotel, inside and out. There are no smells, the rooms are very nice and you completely furnish and personalize them. The food is fantastic, and they have many choices. The dining room looks like a fancy restaurant, linen table cloths, flowers and chandeliers. There are lots of activities, and the residents have freedom to choose what they want to do. They get up when they want, go to bed when they want, and basically have control over their day. They even have a church, beauty salon and take them out on a field trip every week. And it is always voluntary. The grounds are beautiful. Every resident I saw was smiling and happy. I know it is not always possible to send your loved one to a place like this, but in truth, it was actually far less expensive than I thought it would be. Brookdale is nation-wide, so if you are looking, see if there is one in your area. That being said, I still don't know exactly how to tell her, and I think she will freak out too. I plan to have myself and my daughter, her two current caregivers, talk to her. No one else so she doesn't feel ganged up on. I truly think it is a better place than my home and that she will be happier with friends her age who share her challenges. I will tell her so. And it is such a pleasant place to visit, that her family will enjoy visiting her, so she will see us a lot. (Kids are always welcome, and residents can even have a pet!) the facility asked that we don't visit the first week to allow them to settle in and get used to the routine. I am not sure about that, but I can see how it might help. It will not be easy for me either way, and this has been a very stressful decision. I feel for everyone sharing this situation.
Valencom, you make some very good points about the realities of getting old and nursing homes. Many people do have the resources, time, money and ability to care for elder at home but most do not and end up wrecking there lives.
There's an important distinction between raising kids and caring for the elderly. With kids, as time marches on they grow, mature, learn how to reason and it gets easier. (In most cases anyhow) with elders it goes the opposite direction without fail. We should not be made to feel guilty if we can't, or don't choose to be direct caregivers for our elders when they need skilled nursing and memory care. It's a lopsided deal compared to raising kids.
Laurabutler, that is really good advice! It is so difficult to leave someone. I recently had to leave my husband while I took my first ever Respite vacation! I was devastated to leave him and he was devastated to be left. Mad really at me. But I did it. I felt like a rat and it lasted for about 24 hours until I arrived at the beach! Seeing the water and looking forward to a week without responsibilities relaxed me immediately. It was like all the frustration floated away! I was FREE! The nursing home called me and told me how he was. They were wonderful and when I picked him up he was thrilled to come home. He did not remember the house. He asked if he could stay because he really liked it! I told him he could and he was so happy! But my point is, we have to force ourselves to do what is best for us and the patient! I really needed that week off and if you really need to put the person in a home, then so be it! Force yourself to do it.
Not all nursing homes are bad. We had my brother in law in one and it was very nice and he was very happy there. He loved socializing. I have thought about this subject a lot because my husband has dementia and I have have very poor health. I would choose a NH over living with any of my children. They have their lives. I would expect them to visit us and not forget us but I would never want to burdon then with hands on care. Two of the 3 have offerred to take us in but it would be crowded and in my opinion a great imposition. We lived our lives and I want my children to live theirs. My sister and I took care of my dad for 6 months before he died and also exactly 6 months before my mom died. We stayed in their home instead of ours. I am greatful I had that time with them. But I think my husband and I may be around longer than 6 months. We are not ready yet but when we are we will go to a nursing home or assisted living, not to one of our children. Your mom may freak out but she may get there and love it. Maybe you can take her for several visits and let her get to know some people there before you tell her. Some of the elderly think of going to a nursing home as going to the poor house or getting thrown away. If she does freak out and has a good cry then maybe she will accept it and go peacefully.
I would suggest you say it is for a few days or weeks. The unknown is scary, but if they think it is temporary, the adjustment is less traumatic. If they want to leave soon after, tell mom the doc wants her to stay a little longer. This important move is better addressed in small pieces. No need force them to accept it all at once.
Just to note, not all nursing homes smell. You tour them before you select one. If it smells, you don't choose that one.
This may sound simplistic, and maybe it's not the norm in the whole country, yet. But my mother resides in a non smelling facility that provides good care and it accepts Medicaid. We toured several homes. One smelled. We did not choose it. Please don't get guilted into not looking at what is available if you can't do this hands on.
You know, when a person sacrifices their adult life to raise and educate their kids, to be supportive of their spouse, and generally do what's for the good of the family, it is rather blind-siding to be told by one of those kids that they've decided a nursing home is the only alternative for that parent. Think about it -- no matter how successful or wealthy you are right now, no matter how well-known and how well-regarded in business or society, you're really just going to end up in a nursing home that smells like god-knows-what, and without regular visitors. Sounds like a lifelong objective, right? I saw first-hand what nursing home life was like for my dad, when I was forced to put him there after he needed a tracheotomy and after we'd cared for him at home for 8 years. He never wanted to end up in a nursing home, and I know why. If there's ANY alternative to caring for your mom outside of this option, please consider that instead.
You will find an abundance of helpful answers on this site. Browse via the search bar...I dread the day that I am faced with this situation for my dad, but it will become a reality someday. I ask myself, " What if it were me and my kids had to do this for me one day? What would I'd like to hear them tell me? " Nothing is easy. Open your heart and mind and things will fall into place. Good luck
Sometimes you simply have allow them to "freak out.": There's an adjustment time for nearly everyone. Many people learn to love their new home since they have company and activities. Some never do.
Often abandonment is the biggest fear. Just carry on and do your best to reassure her that you want her safety above all else and that you are not abandoning her.
Make her new home as personal as possible and then try to detach emotionally from her upsets. Try to remain cheerful but firm.
Some communities have much better facilities than others but even within communities there are differences. If you have choices investigate thoroughly before making the change.
Definitely read the that freqflyer suggested but also know that your mom is probably going to freak out no matter what. If you were elderly and your adult child said that you had to go into a NH wouldn't you freak out? I would. There may be no getting around it.
If she does have severe memory loss and or behavioral issues, then you can delay telling her and expect her to not understand. Dementia and mental health issues are very sad diseases. Bring personal items into her room to make it look like her personal space with things she likes, a blanket from home is always a nice touch!
Either way, brace yourself for the freak out. Be confident and secure in your choices before talking to her. If you know in your heart you are doing the right thing, then you will be able to endure this!
Blessings to you!
If I ever get to this stage, my children or spouse will have my currently-given permission to do what's best for all of us, including a nursing home if necessary. I don't want them to go through what my siblings and I went through with my difficult father. I wish you the best as you work through this for your family.
If you have the financial means, there are better places for her. The facility I placed her in is a Brookdale owned assisted living facility. It looks like a very nice hotel, inside and out. There are no smells, the rooms are very nice and you completely furnish and personalize them. The food is fantastic, and they have many choices. The dining room looks like a fancy restaurant, linen table cloths, flowers and chandeliers. There are lots of activities, and the residents have freedom to choose what they want to do. They get up when they want, go to bed when they want, and basically have control over their day. They even have a church, beauty salon and take them out on a field trip every week. And it is always voluntary. The grounds are beautiful. Every resident I saw was smiling and happy.
I know it is not always possible to send your loved one to a place like this, but in truth, it was actually far less expensive than I thought it would be. Brookdale is nation-wide, so if you are looking, see if there is one in your area.
That being said, I still don't know exactly how to tell her, and I think she will freak out too. I plan to have myself and my daughter, her two current caregivers, talk to her. No one else so she doesn't feel ganged up on. I truly think it is a better place than my home and that she will be happier with friends her age who share her challenges. I will tell her so. And it is such a pleasant place to visit, that her family will enjoy visiting her, so she will see us a lot. (Kids are always welcome, and residents can even have a pet!) the facility asked that we don't visit the first week to allow them to settle in and get used to the routine. I am not sure about that, but I can see how it might help.
It will not be easy for me either way, and this has been a very stressful decision. I feel for everyone sharing this situation.
If you have the financial means, there are better places for her. The facility I placed her in is a Brookdale owned assisted living facility. It looks like a very nice hotel, inside and out. There are no smells, the rooms are very nice and you completely furnish and personalize them. The food is fantastic, and they have many choices. The dining room looks like a fancy restaurant, linen table cloths, flowers and chandeliers. There are lots of activities, and the residents have freedom to choose what they want to do. They get up when they want, go to bed when they want, and basically have control over their day. They even have a church, beauty salon and take them out on a field trip every week. And it is always voluntary. The grounds are beautiful. Every resident I saw was smiling and happy.
I know it is not always possible to send your loved one to a place like this, but in truth, it was actually far less expensive than I thought it would be. Brookdale is nation-wide, so if you are looking, see if there is one in your area.
That being said, I still don't know exactly how to tell her, and I think she will freak out too. I plan to have myself and my daughter, her two current caregivers, talk to her. No one else so she doesn't feel ganged up on. I truly think it is a better place than my home and that she will be happier with friends her age who share her challenges. I will tell her so. And it is such a pleasant place to visit, that her family will enjoy visiting her, so she will see us a lot. (Kids are always welcome, and residents can even have a pet!) the facility asked that we don't visit the first week to allow them to settle in and get used to the routine. I am not sure about that, but I can see how it might help.
It will not be easy for me either way, and this has been a very stressful decision. I feel for everyone sharing this situation.
There's an important distinction between raising kids and caring for the elderly. With kids, as time marches on they grow, mature, learn how to reason and it gets easier. (In most cases anyhow) with elders it goes the opposite direction without fail. We should not be made to feel guilty if we can't, or don't choose to be direct caregivers for our elders when they need skilled nursing and memory care. It's a lopsided deal compared to raising kids.
I took care of my dad for 6 months before he died and also exactly 6 months before my mom died. We stayed in their home instead of ours. I am greatful I had that time with them. But I think my husband and I may be around longer than 6 months.
We are not ready yet but when we are we will go to a nursing home or assisted living, not to one of our children. Your mom may freak out but she may get there and love it. Maybe you can take her for several visits and let her get to know some people there before you tell her. Some of the elderly think of going to a nursing home as going to the poor house or getting thrown away. If she does freak out and has a good cry then maybe she will accept it and go peacefully.
This may sound simplistic, and maybe it's not the norm in the whole country, yet. But my mother resides in a non smelling facility that provides good care and it accepts Medicaid. We toured several homes. One smelled. We did not choose it. Please don't get guilted into not looking at what is available if you can't do this hands on.
Often abandonment is the biggest fear. Just carry on and do your best to reassure her that you want her safety above all else and that you are not abandoning her.
Make her new home as personal as possible and then try to detach emotionally from her upsets. Try to remain cheerful but firm.
Some communities have much better facilities than others but even within communities there are differences. If you have choices investigate thoroughly before making the change.
Please update us when you can,
Carol
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/Moving-Elderly-Parents-from-Home-to-Senior-Housing-136651.htm