Definitely read the that freqflyer suggested but also know that your mom is probably going to freak out no matter what. If you were elderly and your adult child said that you had to go into a NH wouldn't you freak out? I would. There may be no getting around it.
Sometimes you simply have allow them to "freak out.": There's an adjustment time for nearly everyone. Many people learn to love their new home since they have company and activities. Some never do.
Often abandonment is the biggest fear. Just carry on and do your best to reassure her that you want her safety above all else and that you are not abandoning her.
Make her new home as personal as possible and then try to detach emotionally from her upsets. Try to remain cheerful but firm.
Some communities have much better facilities than others but even within communities there are differences. If you have choices investigate thoroughly before making the change.
You will find an abundance of helpful answers on this site. Browse via the search bar...I dread the day that I am faced with this situation for my dad, but it will become a reality someday. I ask myself, " What if it were me and my kids had to do this for me one day? What would I'd like to hear them tell me? " Nothing is easy. Open your heart and mind and things will fall into place. Good luck
You know, when a person sacrifices their adult life to raise and educate their kids, to be supportive of their spouse, and generally do what's for the good of the family, it is rather blind-siding to be told by one of those kids that they've decided a nursing home is the only alternative for that parent. Think about it -- no matter how successful or wealthy you are right now, no matter how well-known and how well-regarded in business or society, you're really just going to end up in a nursing home that smells like god-knows-what, and without regular visitors. Sounds like a lifelong objective, right? I saw first-hand what nursing home life was like for my dad, when I was forced to put him there after he needed a tracheotomy and after we'd cared for him at home for 8 years. He never wanted to end up in a nursing home, and I know why. If there's ANY alternative to caring for your mom outside of this option, please consider that instead.
Just to note, not all nursing homes smell. You tour them before you select one. If it smells, you don't choose that one.
This may sound simplistic, and maybe it's not the norm in the whole country, yet. But my mother resides in a non smelling facility that provides good care and it accepts Medicaid. We toured several homes. One smelled. We did not choose it. Please don't get guilted into not looking at what is available if you can't do this hands on.
I would suggest you say it is for a few days or weeks. The unknown is scary, but if they think it is temporary, the adjustment is less traumatic. If they want to leave soon after, tell mom the doc wants her to stay a little longer. This important move is better addressed in small pieces. No need force them to accept it all at once.
Not all nursing homes are bad. We had my brother in law in one and it was very nice and he was very happy there. He loved socializing. I have thought about this subject a lot because my husband has dementia and I have have very poor health. I would choose a NH over living with any of my children. They have their lives. I would expect them to visit us and not forget us but I would never want to burdon then with hands on care. Two of the 3 have offerred to take us in but it would be crowded and in my opinion a great imposition. We lived our lives and I want my children to live theirs. My sister and I took care of my dad for 6 months before he died and also exactly 6 months before my mom died. We stayed in their home instead of ours. I am greatful I had that time with them. But I think my husband and I may be around longer than 6 months. We are not ready yet but when we are we will go to a nursing home or assisted living, not to one of our children. Your mom may freak out but she may get there and love it. Maybe you can take her for several visits and let her get to know some people there before you tell her. Some of the elderly think of going to a nursing home as going to the poor house or getting thrown away. If she does freak out and has a good cry then maybe she will accept it and go peacefully.
Laurabutler, that is really good advice! It is so difficult to leave someone. I recently had to leave my husband while I took my first ever Respite vacation! I was devastated to leave him and he was devastated to be left. Mad really at me. But I did it. I felt like a rat and it lasted for about 24 hours until I arrived at the beach! Seeing the water and looking forward to a week without responsibilities relaxed me immediately. It was like all the frustration floated away! I was FREE! The nursing home called me and told me how he was. They were wonderful and when I picked him up he was thrilled to come home. He did not remember the house. He asked if he could stay because he really liked it! I told him he could and he was so happy! But my point is, we have to force ourselves to do what is best for us and the patient! I really needed that week off and if you really need to put the person in a home, then so be it! Force yourself to do it.
Valencom, you make some very good points about the realities of getting old and nursing homes. Many people do have the resources, time, money and ability to care for elder at home but most do not and end up wrecking there lives.
There's an important distinction between raising kids and caring for the elderly. With kids, as time marches on they grow, mature, learn how to reason and it gets easier. (In most cases anyhow) with elders it goes the opposite direction without fail. We should not be made to feel guilty if we can't, or don't choose to be direct caregivers for our elders when they need skilled nursing and memory care. It's a lopsided deal compared to raising kids.
Some nursing homes are community centered and not at all like the hospital feeling, dreary places people are used to. I am in this exact situation. I signed the paperwork last night and my Mom, who has Alzheimer's, moves in next week. I have to tell her this weekend. If you have the financial means, there are better places for her. The facility I placed her in is a Brookdale owned assisted living facility. It looks like a very nice hotel, inside and out. There are no smells, the rooms are very nice and you completely furnish and personalize them. The food is fantastic, and they have many choices. The dining room looks like a fancy restaurant, linen table cloths, flowers and chandeliers. There are lots of activities, and the residents have freedom to choose what they want to do. They get up when they want, go to bed when they want, and basically have control over their day. They even have a church, beauty salon and take them out on a field trip every week. And it is always voluntary. The grounds are beautiful. Every resident I saw was smiling and happy. I know it is not always possible to send your loved one to a place like this, but in truth, it was actually far less expensive than I thought it would be. Brookdale is nation-wide, so if you are looking, see if there is one in your area. That being said, I still don't know exactly how to tell her, and I think she will freak out too. I plan to have myself and my daughter, her two current caregivers, talk to her. No one else so she doesn't feel ganged up on. I truly think it is a better place than my home and that she will be happier with friends her age who share her challenges. I will tell her so. And it is such a pleasant place to visit, that her family will enjoy visiting her, so she will see us a lot. (Kids are always welcome, and residents can even have a pet!) the facility asked that we don't visit the first week to allow them to settle in and get used to the routine. I am not sure about that, but I can see how it might help. It will not be easy for me either way, and this has been a very stressful decision. I feel for everyone sharing this situation.
Some nursing homes are community centered and not at all like the hospital feeling, dreary places people are used to. I am in this exact situation. I signed the paperwork last night and my Mom, who has Alzheimer's, moves in next week. I have to tell her this weekend. If you have the financial means, there are better places for her. The facility I placed her in is a Brookdale owned assisted living facility. It looks like a very nice hotel, inside and out. There are no smells, the rooms are very nice and you completely furnish and personalize them. The food is fantastic, and they have many choices. The dining room looks like a fancy restaurant, linen table cloths, flowers and chandeliers. There are lots of activities, and the residents have freedom to choose what they want to do. They get up when they want, go to bed when they want, and basically have control over their day. They even have a church, beauty salon and take them out on a field trip every week. And it is always voluntary. The grounds are beautiful. Every resident I saw was smiling and happy. I know it is not always possible to send your loved one to a place like this, but in truth, it was actually far less expensive than I thought it would be. Brookdale is nation-wide, so if you are looking, see if there is one in your area. That being said, I still don't know exactly how to tell her, and I think she will freak out too. I plan to have myself and my daughter, her two current caregivers, talk to her. No one else so she doesn't feel ganged up on. I truly think it is a better place than my home and that she will be happier with friends her age who share her challenges. I will tell her so. And it is such a pleasant place to visit, that her family will enjoy visiting her, so she will see us a lot. (Kids are always welcome, and residents can even have a pet!) the facility asked that we don't visit the first week to allow them to settle in and get used to the routine. I am not sure about that, but I can see how it might help. It will not be easy for me either way, and this has been a very stressful decision. I feel for everyone sharing this situation.
sometimes it is better to tell them that they need to go there temporarily in order to get stronger, etc. This is what we did with my dad, he fell 2 times within 2 days, my mother with arthritis could no longer care for him properly (she is diabetic) as he would fight her in everything from eating to taking pills,etc. I told him that he needed to go for therapy (which he did do for awhile) until he got stronger to come home. Even though we knew he would never come home (he has dementia/alzheimers) and we never did tell him any different and he never asks where he is or when he is coming home. he doesn't talk about the present but we have plenty of experiences thru his mind of what he is doing or where he is at (the other day on a ship, one day buying oil/antifreeze/ the next getting ready to mow yard). You have to go with the flow, check out the homes beforehand, see what they have to offer, etc. Good luck and don't feel guilty.
Well said, Windyridge!. I despise the ol' "They took care of you; now it's your turn to take care of them".Taking care of kids who grow out of diapers in a few years and gradually learn to do everything for themselves is so much different than caring for elderly parents who are going in the opposite direction. SO different. And there is none of the joy that comes with caring for children to make the hard parts worth it. Not in my case, at least - we have never been the loving Brady Bunch Family, to say the least And neither of my parents ever had to care for either of their parents in their old age so they have no understanding how difficult it all is for me. Well, my mother does, even though she never went through it personally - she is an empathetic person naturally. My dad, not so much; he just feels and acts entitled. Sigh...
You do not give us much information about your mother, so I can only say that if she has made negative comments about a nursing home in the past, she probably will object now, however, if she has dementia (this site's purpose) then she probably will forget what was said. Do not sweat the small stuff, as I am sure you are doing what is best for your mother. Best wishes!
Like Barbara 123 I was able to find a lovely home for the last 3 years of Dad's life. I visited many before I found the one. I now care for my widowed BIL who has dementia. Although he's away of needing care away from home I'm researching places for when the time does come. For me it's better to have an idea before I need to implement it. Sadly Dad's wonderful place won't work as it was for brain injury and can not deal with later stage dementia. With regard to the oft raised topic of people caring for parents because they brought us up. I'm amazed that know one ever seems to raise the fact that, that decision was the parents choice. They didn't have to make those sacrifices they wanted to, because they wanted a child. Children don't ask to be born so why should they have a debt of care when they are grown? I had abusive parents & chose to care for them in later life. My choice willingly made, unlike the choice they forced on me at 4.5 years old to single handedly raise my new born brother. Thankfully I was succesfull & he's now a Grandfather. I would absolutely not expect him to care for me as I get older. Nor would I want or expect my adopted children (parental abuse stopped me carrying a baby) to be in that position. I chose parenting for my children because I wanted them and love them not so I'd have nursing care in my dotage. I'm not advocating ignoring our parents, just not the guilt tripping I so often read that we owe them for their decision to have us. As a parent I want the best for my brood and that does not include washing my privates when I can't! I want to hang on to every shred of dignity I have and be Mum to my children I can't do that if they are my carers. I believe this is something we should all be thinking about while we can and start checking our options and then let our loved ones know what we want when the time comes.
I know what you are going through as you consider this. My heart goes out to you and your mother. My dad had terrible dementia at age 90. He was at risk at home, and not a candidate for one of us living with him (due to his personality and his refusal to give up his guns!), or him living with one of us. When he started to roam the neighborhood at night looking for his "lost" wife (who had died a year before), we got him in to a memory care AL facility by subterfuge, telling him it was for live-in physical therapy for his legs and some weight gain..not really a lie because we hoped he would do better there, but in reality he was never going home.
If I ever get to this stage, my children or spouse will have my currently-given permission to do what's best for all of us, including a nursing home if necessary. I don't want them to go through what my siblings and I went through with my difficult father. I wish you the best as you work through this for your family.
I have worked as a nursing home social worker in the past for many years. I DO NOT recommend telling your mother that it is only temporary unless your mother has severe memory/behavior issues. This robs her of her need to grieve then adjust. It is a big adjustment and if she thinks it is temporary, she may choose to not make bonds with staff and other residents. She may choose to isolate rather than join in activities. She will need to grieve this reality at some point, if possible, allow her to grieve ot right away rather than later when she may feel that she failed at getting well enough to go home. Also, you will rob her of grieving the loss of her current home. Is she well enough to participate in making decisions of what personal items to bring to decorate her room? Can she chose to give some of her items to family? that could be theraputic to her grieving. Also, it just might be better to have her freak out in the comfort of her own home rather than at a new strange place. If she does have severe memory loss and or behavioral issues, then you can delay telling her and expect her to not understand. Dementia and mental health issues are very sad diseases. Bring personal items into her room to make it look like her personal space with things she likes, a blanket from home is always a nice touch! Either way, brace yourself for the freak out. Be confident and secure in your choices before talking to her. If you know in your heart you are doing the right thing, then you will be able to endure this! Blessings to you!
Don't take her to a nursing home, take her to an apartment that has personal care. If your Mom has stay at a first class hotel that caters to you, this is the feeling she will get.
as much as I hate to be the bearer of bad news, I must be honest and upfront with you that there is no easy way to tell her that you're taking her to a nursing home. That's because nursing home placement removes a personal freedom to come and go as they please as well as other freedoms that we all take for granted. One elderly friend of mine who needed round-the-clock care that he could not get outside of a facility was also taken to a nursing home, although I'm not sure how this was accomplished. When you're removing someone's freedom, there is really no easy way to do it, knowing your your self will continue enjoying your own freedom while your loved one has no more freedom. This is why nursing home placement is very hard since being in one of those places is definitely no fun. No matter how easy workers try to make it for the residents, there will never be any easy way to tell someone they're going to a nursing home and actually do it. You may lie to them when you yourself know the real truth, but when they find out you're lying about how long will be there, then you're going to have a real mess on your hands, so you may just as well be honest and upfront with them to start with. Again, I know this is going to be hard, an elderly friend of mine was very recently placed in such a facility. About the only good thing about it is the fact that he's in a veterans home and will get to keep all of his money. He was actually very much against ever going into a nursing home until he started realizing is upcoming mortality and the realization that he just won't live forever on this earth and that he was declining to the point of needing round the clock care. He was actually wanting to stay home for as long as he possibly could, and even die at home with dignity. In fact, I think to some point he was in denial about his true condition since he was actually wanting to do some stuff that I later learned it was beyond his capabilities to perform. At first I didn't realize what was really going on when he wanted to get and run and ice cream trailer as well as travel with it. It wasn't until later that the truth all came out that there was no ice cream trailer on its way and that he was far from capable of running one. I seriously doubt he would've gotten far with it had he gotten it and started what he set out to do with all of the squad rides to the ER nearly every night, and sometimes twice a day toward the end before he was taken to the vets home. Whether the squad took him or they were there for something else to help him with, it still took away from the rest of our town who needed availability since we only have a very small limited number of squads in our town. What if the last squad would've gone out to him, only for them to get a call about a real bad accident just outside of town? This just wasn't fair to our community to let abusing resources to continue when someone else could've been in far worse shape and possibly die from my friend's selfishness. Those who don't know about this specific type of situation won't possibly be able to understand if they themselves have never dealt with this specific type of situation before. Therefore, I would greatly appreciate that those who have never dealt with this kind of situation would please not leave nasty remarks because you never know what someone else is really going through. That person has since been put into a nursing home, which was all done by the professionals who handle very stubborn individuals elders every day. Getting someone who needs nursing home care into an actual facility may sometimes have to be initiated by the adult protective services who can actually get the ball rolling into getting the person an emergency court appointed guardian who can actually make the person go into a nursing home. I've actually seen this happen with another case since the person had no family around to help with the process. Getting someone into a nursing home can be the hardest when there's no family and the person is all alone without any other help whatsoever, I know I have seen this for myself. Just from what I experienced with others who need to be a nursing homes but wouldn't go, I know what it is to know someone needs to go but no one will help for quite a while. Therefore, all the situation can keep continuing even indefinitely until the right people come along at the right time and do whatever needs to be done to get someone into a nursing home where they need to be. Many elderly people just don't want to lose their freedom, which is why so many of them just don't want to go. Another reason why so many of them don't want to go is because I don't want the nursing home snatching all of their money. When the nursing home snatches all of your money, that leaves little to nothing for yourself, which is why it's even harder to get someone to go, especially when they have assets. The more money and assets someone has, the harder it may actually be to get that person into a nursing home. That's because that person is not willing to give up everything and settle for nothing. Combine that with that person not having any family or anyone else close to them who's able to sacrifice their own life to spend all of their time with that one person who needs round-the-clock care. This is what was experienced in the neighborhood for quite a while. This specific person has an RV, lots of money in the bank, and no family around to help him. There were only three of us who could come in and check on this elderly friend at night when he really didn't want to be alone. What really seemed odd is that he always got sick or other bad things always seem to happen to him when he was alone. Something was obviously going on behind the scenes when no one else could be there. We all knew better than to mention a nursing home to him, or he'd totally freak out, so I absolutely and completely know what you mean. My experience and what all I've been through is exactly why I can honestly say that there is never going to be any easy way to tell someone that they're going to a nursing home. I know that with some people, you can't even mention the word nursing home to them without them freaking out. I can't tell you how long I've actually faced prolonged situations very much like this, but I can tell you that it went on for quite a while.
My first situation was an elderly person with no family living in a house that was falling down, and renting from a really bad slumlord. The elderly man had absolutely no family whatsoever, and I was the closest to family that he even had. I was able to help him to a point, and we actually had some very nice situation set up to help each other by pulling together as we could. We helped each other in anyway we could despite the situation. In the end we had frequent problems with his residence where utilities went off at some point or another because of the slumlord pocketing the rent and not paying the bills that were included in the rent according to the lease. There came a time when adult protective services was alerted, only to find out they could not do anything without enough information. There came a time when two others finally came forward with their own abilities to be able to share what they knew. The information was all connected and the elderly man was taken by surprise one Friday morning and moved to an assisted living facility, only for him to be hospitalized twice within a short amount of time before suddenly getting taken to a nearby nursing home. This was not easy to take this poor guy to a nursing home, but it was definitely needed.
My next situation which ended recently after a little more than a year. There was an awful lot going on for the past year or so that actually started draining not only me but who knows how many other people. This person was actually abusive in some other way than I was able to recognize. Because of everything that was going on for so long, no wonder his family and other people could not be around him. This is because of how he was toward other people, especially those closest to him. It would take me a very long time to go back through everything that was going on, which I won't do. Everyone who knew this other person know that he needed a nursing home, but no one was in a position to put him there. This is why things went on for so long, and he was so stubborn against going into a nursing home. However, he wanted to go look at a house somewhere across town. He kept saying he was going to move away from here, but I don't know what really went on when I was not around. All I had was one sided the story. He started complaining about our hospital and paramedics. With all of the frequent flying he's done, it's no wonder that the staff were finally burning out and becoming aggravated with having to see him so frequently. Again, we all know that he really needed a nursing home. The hospital finally started working toward getting him to accept the idea when they sent social services to speak with him. I don't know how that went over, but I'm sure it wasn't good because it would not have gone well with him. I know that we have no veteran home here in our town, but I know that he was most likely taken out of town very recently. Being taken out of town will eliminate chance of them running away and coming back home, so not having a vet home in our town is actually a good thing. I can't even begin to say how much this man has put us all through for what all we've endured. However, all I can do when I look over at that empty apartment is to say good riddance to the bad memories that haunted us all.
Again, the nursing home placement is never easy. Even the mention of "nursing home" Will make many elders freak out, this is a harsh reality like it or not. There's no easy way of bringing it up, never was, nor will there ever be. This is why you need your support network to be there with you to back you up at the time this very difficult discussion is started. This needs to be a private family meeting where everyone is on the same page by being in agreement but this one person needs nursing home placement. Everyone needs to come into one agreement of what's going to be done and what everyone else's part will be in the situation, and everyone needs to work as a team and stick to their part. Some binderies will need to be set and enforced in order to force this person into having no other choice but to go ahead and let you take them to the nursing home. One of those boundaries will have to be to stop enabling the person and any bad or undesirable behavior that may be going on. This is a situation anything like the person living alone and not being able to be alone all the time, this will take away from the life of whoever is checking on this person. In my specific case with my most recent situation, the person has ways of getting you to stay longer than intended. In some cases such as mine was, there may be times when the person just doesn't feel like going out, and the elder will have ways of getting that person to go out anyway even by luring them by any means possible. The person being lured into going over there may find themselves in some situation that could even put their health in jeopardy, as what happened to me when this elderly man kept his place too hot. Some people just can't be where it's too hot, and in the case of my elderly friend, He would crank the heat then call me over saying it was cool in his place. Many times I had to turn tail and leave or turn the thermostat back down when it was in the 80s, 90s, or even right about 100, even on a hot day. This was only one telltale sign that my elderly friend needed far more help than what we could give him, besides other obvious telltale signs. Combine that with being unwilling for nursing home placement and him wanting to tough it out alone. This was part for us to let certain things go on for so long, but it was harder when he started getting careless with his VA own power chair when he almost hit people with it. He almost hit several people, and was almost hit in traffic for going against red lights. When someone needing nursing home placement is overly dependent on others around them to the point it takes away from the lives of others, or that person is a danger to themselves or others, then something must be done. If no one else is going to do it, then someone needs to alert the adult protective services about the most serious matters. If the family won't step in and help in some cases, then the adult protective services will at some point step in with enough information.
I didn't tell mom she was going to a nursing home. That's too blunt and a really unsophisticated approach. Did you tell your kids they're going to the doctor to get shots? No - not if you wanted them to get in the car.
I talked with mom about her fears, anxieties and problems living alone. There were many. This was a conversation that happened over time. At one point I asked if she wanted a solution to the problems. Then I had my husband tell her we were going to make changes to take care of her and keep her safe. She didn't fight it from him, which is why I did it that way.
We didn't give her a choice other than which apartment she wanted - this one or that one. In a nursing home situation, you won't have that kind of choice like you might in a senior apartment unit or assisted living.
If *YOU* stay calm and reasonable, you are helping them. If you go to pieces, they will too. They might anyway and you have to have enough spine and acting ability to get through it while maintaining boundaries and postivitiy. You can break down at home or in the car, but not in front of your loved one. You have to be positive and strong long enough to get through. It's hard.
But when they need 24/7 care, skilled nursing, a secure environment, and all the benefits of residential care you can't do at home, the pros outweigh the cons. It's about safety and wellbeing.
Saying that I need to take care of mom at home because she took care of me at home is a false argument. My mom also put me in daycare so she could work to feed me. She put me in school so I could learn. She was never doing full time hands on care for 18 years, like is possible for dementia. Her time to do my home-care was always limited duration and as I got older, I could help out by taking over some of the work. This is not ever going to be true for people with debilitating conditions & diseases. The guilt argument goes nowhere with me because it's manipulative. I will make decisions based on what keeps her safe, not what seems tit-for-tat based on my childhood care needs.
I stayed overnight WITH my mom when I placed my mom in a great facility. That was good for the initial move. She never did like it despite my many efforts. This place even had a KILN and painting classes; I thought it'd be perfect for her. Instead, she kept going outside without a coat and was considered a flight risk, so in lovely February (Michigan freezing temps) they "kicked her out" of this place (you should have heard the initial sales pitch; they could take care of EVERYTHING). So, I moved her back home, after almost going bald over stress, decided to ditch the job I loved, move from a community where I had many friends, and care for her an hour away (from my friends/job). Turns out she is much more balanced and happy. I'm not thrilled with these changes, but am making the best of things. She is doing quite well, and I found a daycare program that is amazing! You never know what is BEST until you put your toes in the water.
I would like to add one more point to the discussion about child care versus elder care. When my parents were raising me they were in their twenties and thirties. Now, when I am caring for my mother, who is in AL, I am in my sixties, and certainly don't have the strength or energy that I had thirty years ago. It is unfair to expect people nearing, or in retirement to provide 24 hour care.
Tell her that you love her, & you want her to be safe.Just go ahead beforehand and make sure you feel comfortable about the place. Do not be afraid to speak up if the facility does not meet you expectations.
Not all nursing homes are restrictive and sterile. Place her in a home that has a private room and care assistant that is dedicated to your mother. The assistant becomes a companion and may do things with her. Don't send her to a nursing prison situation, let her enjoy life.
It is going to be difficult .. Be at peace with your decision and know that it is the best and safest for all involved . My mother was in a nursing home for a year and a half before she passed away two weeks ago. She asked to go home every day and her last word was home before they started her on morphine . I use to tell her that the Drs wanted her to get stronger then she could go home. She suffered a stroke in 2013 and it was very difficult and unsafe for her to be at home with me. She never really accepted the fact that she was in a nursing home but she adjusted . She made friends and loved the staff and they loved her back. I visited her every day and it became my second home as well. It was a great facilitie and she got amazing care. All in all it's not what I wanted or what she would of wanted but it worked for us and I will never regret my decision to put her in the nursing home. Best of luck to you!!!!
The term "nursing home" can cover a wide variety of facilities. Be careful in evaluating the level and type of care she needs, and check out other residents to see it they are at a similar disability level. Look around and see what goes on; a place that my MIL was in briefly tied everyone into wheelchairs and they milled around all day. What she really hated was that they wouldn't let her wear her panties, to make easier toileting. Don't even use the words "nursing home"; look into assisted living, board and care, post-acute rehab, residential care, etc.
First of all, I would make sure you are taking your mom to a facility that can really meet her needs. You say in your profile that she has dementia. I would make sure that the staff knows what she is like and are trained to handle that kind of thing. A good fit is ideal. Is this in a Memory Care unit? Some Nursing Homes have them.
One option that I used was to talk about how the doctor wanted her to get some help for a while. Her doctor had told her she really needed to go for assistance. I never said how long. I said until the doctor thought she had made enough progress. I built up the place as helping with her medications, meals, physical therapy and helping with her memory. They did provide all of those things, except not helping with her memory. She was not real happy at first, but she went along with it. I think she was scared at that point and deep down knew she needed assistance on a daily basis.
Over time the memory fades and eventually she doesn't ask about leaving anymore. She no longer remembers that she has a house. So, in some cases, if you can get past the initial entry to the place, it may not be as bad dealing with it down the road.
Oh, I forgot to add. The facility can also help you. During the intake, the representative can be very pleasant with her and ask her questions that allow her to have input. For example, they asked my cousin, if there was any reason that she couldn't come to the dining room for breakfast in the mornings? My cousin said, no, she was able. So, the intake asked her what she liked for breakfast, eggs, bacon, oatmeal, cereal, etc. She said that she could choose her meals. And what about her hair? Did she want to make an appt. to have her hair done there on site? And what games did she enjoy? They had a social calendar for her to look over.
The intake person really gave her a lot of control and it caused her to want to stay and take advantage of the amenities. Make sure you have at least a small bag packed so you can leave her right then. You can return with her other things later that day.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/Moving-Elderly-Parents-from-Home-to-Senior-Housing-136651.htm
Often abandonment is the biggest fear. Just carry on and do your best to reassure her that you want her safety above all else and that you are not abandoning her.
Make her new home as personal as possible and then try to detach emotionally from her upsets. Try to remain cheerful but firm.
Some communities have much better facilities than others but even within communities there are differences. If you have choices investigate thoroughly before making the change.
Please update us when you can,
Carol
This may sound simplistic, and maybe it's not the norm in the whole country, yet. But my mother resides in a non smelling facility that provides good care and it accepts Medicaid. We toured several homes. One smelled. We did not choose it. Please don't get guilted into not looking at what is available if you can't do this hands on.
I took care of my dad for 6 months before he died and also exactly 6 months before my mom died. We stayed in their home instead of ours. I am greatful I had that time with them. But I think my husband and I may be around longer than 6 months.
We are not ready yet but when we are we will go to a nursing home or assisted living, not to one of our children. Your mom may freak out but she may get there and love it. Maybe you can take her for several visits and let her get to know some people there before you tell her. Some of the elderly think of going to a nursing home as going to the poor house or getting thrown away. If she does freak out and has a good cry then maybe she will accept it and go peacefully.
There's an important distinction between raising kids and caring for the elderly. With kids, as time marches on they grow, mature, learn how to reason and it gets easier. (In most cases anyhow) with elders it goes the opposite direction without fail. We should not be made to feel guilty if we can't, or don't choose to be direct caregivers for our elders when they need skilled nursing and memory care. It's a lopsided deal compared to raising kids.
If you have the financial means, there are better places for her. The facility I placed her in is a Brookdale owned assisted living facility. It looks like a very nice hotel, inside and out. There are no smells, the rooms are very nice and you completely furnish and personalize them. The food is fantastic, and they have many choices. The dining room looks like a fancy restaurant, linen table cloths, flowers and chandeliers. There are lots of activities, and the residents have freedom to choose what they want to do. They get up when they want, go to bed when they want, and basically have control over their day. They even have a church, beauty salon and take them out on a field trip every week. And it is always voluntary. The grounds are beautiful. Every resident I saw was smiling and happy.
I know it is not always possible to send your loved one to a place like this, but in truth, it was actually far less expensive than I thought it would be. Brookdale is nation-wide, so if you are looking, see if there is one in your area.
That being said, I still don't know exactly how to tell her, and I think she will freak out too. I plan to have myself and my daughter, her two current caregivers, talk to her. No one else so she doesn't feel ganged up on. I truly think it is a better place than my home and that she will be happier with friends her age who share her challenges. I will tell her so. And it is such a pleasant place to visit, that her family will enjoy visiting her, so she will see us a lot. (Kids are always welcome, and residents can even have a pet!) the facility asked that we don't visit the first week to allow them to settle in and get used to the routine. I am not sure about that, but I can see how it might help.
It will not be easy for me either way, and this has been a very stressful decision. I feel for everyone sharing this situation.
If you have the financial means, there are better places for her. The facility I placed her in is a Brookdale owned assisted living facility. It looks like a very nice hotel, inside and out. There are no smells, the rooms are very nice and you completely furnish and personalize them. The food is fantastic, and they have many choices. The dining room looks like a fancy restaurant, linen table cloths, flowers and chandeliers. There are lots of activities, and the residents have freedom to choose what they want to do. They get up when they want, go to bed when they want, and basically have control over their day. They even have a church, beauty salon and take them out on a field trip every week. And it is always voluntary. The grounds are beautiful. Every resident I saw was smiling and happy.
I know it is not always possible to send your loved one to a place like this, but in truth, it was actually far less expensive than I thought it would be. Brookdale is nation-wide, so if you are looking, see if there is one in your area.
That being said, I still don't know exactly how to tell her, and I think she will freak out too. I plan to have myself and my daughter, her two current caregivers, talk to her. No one else so she doesn't feel ganged up on. I truly think it is a better place than my home and that she will be happier with friends her age who share her challenges. I will tell her so. And it is such a pleasant place to visit, that her family will enjoy visiting her, so she will see us a lot. (Kids are always welcome, and residents can even have a pet!) the facility asked that we don't visit the first week to allow them to settle in and get used to the routine. I am not sure about that, but I can see how it might help.
It will not be easy for me either way, and this has been a very stressful decision. I feel for everyone sharing this situation.
If I ever get to this stage, my children or spouse will have my currently-given permission to do what's best for all of us, including a nursing home if necessary. I don't want them to go through what my siblings and I went through with my difficult father. I wish you the best as you work through this for your family.
If she does have severe memory loss and or behavioral issues, then you can delay telling her and expect her to not understand. Dementia and mental health issues are very sad diseases. Bring personal items into her room to make it look like her personal space with things she likes, a blanket from home is always a nice touch!
Either way, brace yourself for the freak out. Be confident and secure in your choices before talking to her. If you know in your heart you are doing the right thing, then you will be able to endure this!
Blessings to you!
My first situation was an elderly person with no family living in a house that was falling down, and renting from a really bad slumlord. The elderly man had absolutely no family whatsoever, and I was the closest to family that he even had. I was able to help him to a point, and we actually had some very nice situation set up to help each other by pulling together as we could. We helped each other in anyway we could despite the situation. In the end we had frequent problems with his residence where utilities went off at some point or another because of the slumlord pocketing the rent and not paying the bills that were included in the rent according to the lease. There came a time when adult protective services was alerted, only to find out they could not do anything without enough information. There came a time when two others finally came forward with their own abilities to be able to share what they knew. The information was all connected and the elderly man was taken by surprise one Friday morning and moved to an assisted living facility, only for him to be hospitalized twice within a short amount of time before suddenly getting taken to a nearby nursing home. This was not easy to take this poor guy to a nursing home, but it was definitely needed.
My next situation which ended recently after a little more than a year. There was an awful lot going on for the past year or so that actually started draining not only me but who knows how many other people. This person was actually abusive in some other way than I was able to recognize. Because of everything that was going on for so long, no wonder his family and other people could not be around him. This is because of how he was toward other people, especially those closest to him. It would take me a very long time to go back through everything that was going on, which I won't do. Everyone who knew this other person know that he needed a nursing home, but no one was in a position to put him there. This is why things went on for so long, and he was so stubborn against going into a nursing home. However, he wanted to go look at a house somewhere across town. He kept saying he was going to move away from here, but I don't know what really went on when I was not around. All I had was one sided the story. He started complaining about our hospital and paramedics. With all of the frequent flying he's done, it's no wonder that the staff were finally burning out and becoming aggravated with having to see him so frequently. Again, we all know that he really needed a nursing home. The hospital finally started working toward getting him to accept the idea when they sent social services to speak with him. I don't know how that went over, but I'm sure it wasn't good because it would not have gone well with him. I know that we have no veteran home here in our town, but I know that he was most likely taken out of town very recently. Being taken out of town will eliminate chance of them running away and coming back home, so not having a vet home in our town is actually a good thing. I can't even begin to say how much this man has put us all through for what all we've endured. However, all I can do when I look over at that empty apartment is to say good riddance to the bad memories that haunted us all.
Again, the nursing home placement is never easy. Even the mention of "nursing home" Will make many elders freak out, this is a harsh reality like it or not. There's no easy way of bringing it up, never was, nor will there ever be. This is why you need your support network to be there with you to back you up at the time this very difficult discussion is started. This needs to be a private family meeting where everyone is on the same page by being in agreement but this one person needs nursing home placement. Everyone needs to come into one agreement of what's going to be done and what everyone else's part will be in the situation, and everyone needs to work as a team and stick to their part. Some binderies will need to be set and enforced in order to force this person into having no other choice but to go ahead and let you take them to the nursing home. One of those boundaries will have to be to stop enabling the person and any bad or undesirable behavior that may be going on. This is a situation anything like the person living alone and not being able to be alone all the time, this will take away from the life of whoever is checking on this person. In my specific case with my most recent situation, the person has ways of getting you to stay longer than intended. In some cases such as mine was, there may be times when the person just doesn't feel like going out, and the elder will have ways of getting that person to go out anyway even by luring them by any means possible. The person being lured into going over there may find themselves in some situation that could even put their health in jeopardy, as what happened to me when this elderly man kept his place too hot. Some people just can't be where it's too hot, and in the case of my elderly friend, He would crank the heat then call me over saying it was cool in his place. Many times I had to turn tail and leave or turn the thermostat back down when it was in the 80s, 90s, or even right about 100, even on a hot day. This was only one telltale sign that my elderly friend needed far more help than what we could give him, besides other obvious telltale signs. Combine that with being unwilling for nursing home placement and him wanting to tough it out alone. This was part for us to let certain things go on for so long, but it was harder when he started getting careless with his VA own power chair when he almost hit people with it. He almost hit several people, and was almost hit in traffic for going against red lights. When someone needing nursing home placement is overly dependent on others around them to the point it takes away from the lives of others, or that person is a danger to themselves or others, then something must be done. If no one else is going to do it, then someone needs to alert the adult protective services about the most serious matters. If the family won't step in and help in some cases, then the adult protective services will at some point step in with enough information.
I talked with mom about her fears, anxieties and problems living alone. There were many. This was a conversation that happened over time.
At one point I asked if she wanted a solution to the problems.
Then I had my husband tell her we were going to make changes to take care of her and keep her safe. She didn't fight it from him, which is why I did it that way.
We didn't give her a choice other than which apartment she wanted - this one or that one. In a nursing home situation, you won't have that kind of choice like you might in a senior apartment unit or assisted living.
If *YOU* stay calm and reasonable, you are helping them. If you go to pieces, they will too. They might anyway and you have to have enough spine and acting ability to get through it while maintaining boundaries and postivitiy. You can break down at home or in the car, but not in front of your loved one. You have to be positive and strong long enough to get through. It's hard.
But when they need 24/7 care, skilled nursing, a secure environment, and all the benefits of residential care you can't do at home, the pros outweigh the cons. It's about safety and wellbeing.
Saying that I need to take care of mom at home because she took care of me at home is a false argument. My mom also put me in daycare so she could work to feed me. She put me in school so I could learn. She was never doing full time hands on care for 18 years, like is possible for dementia. Her time to do my home-care was always limited duration and as I got older, I could help out by taking over some of the work. This is not ever going to be true for people with debilitating conditions & diseases. The guilt argument goes nowhere with me because it's manipulative. I will make decisions based on what keeps her safe, not what seems tit-for-tat based on my childhood care needs.
Don't even use the words "nursing home"; look into assisted living, board and care, post-acute rehab, residential care, etc.
One option that I used was to talk about how the doctor wanted her to get some help for a while. Her doctor had told her she really needed to go for assistance. I never said how long. I said until the doctor thought she had made enough progress. I built up the place as helping with her medications, meals, physical therapy and helping with her memory. They did provide all of those things, except not helping with her memory. She was not real happy at first, but she went along with it. I think she was scared at that point and deep down knew she needed assistance on a daily basis.
Over time the memory fades and eventually she doesn't ask about leaving anymore. She no longer remembers that she has a house. So, in some cases, if you can get past the initial entry to the place, it may not be as bad dealing with it down the road.
The intake person really gave her a lot of control and it caused her to want to stay and take advantage of the amenities. Make sure you have at least a small bag packed so you can leave her right then. You can return with her other things later that day.