How do I handle telling my 83 yo mom she can't drive her car anymore?

I think this is something so many of us have faced, including me.

It's a shame that her Dr. isn't very helpful. I depended upon my dad's Dr. to be the bad guy in advising that my dad not drive anymore. I called the Dr.'s office prior to my dad's appointment (is was with his cardiologist) and told them that I could use their help in getting my dad off the roads. So it was my dad's Dr. who told him that he needed to give up driving. I used to use my dad's Dr.'s for all kinds of things!

It was very hard on my dad, as it is on anyone. He became down. I tried to get him out of the house as much as I could but it wasn't the same for him. We went back and forth for weeks on the issue and each time I tried to stay calm and imagine myself if my dad's shoes. How would I feel?

My suggestion would be to get the Dr. in on this but if you've tried that and it hasn't worked is there another Dr. you could enlist the help of? Is there someone your mom respects, someone she'd listen to? A minister? A friend?

Getting our loved ones to stop driving is a process. At least that was my experience. When my mom was alive we all suggested she stop driving. She had had cancer, had a lung removed, and was in a deep depression and staying in bed all day. We begged her to give up driving but she refused. One day she was meeting someone at the movies and had an accident. It was her fault and she was sued. It was a mess. And I think it damaged her more than just giving up her keys would have. I also used this experience when I tried to get my dad to stop driving.

When my dad finally did stop driving it was very difficult on him emotionally. I told him that I would take him anywhere he wanted to go but that wasn't the point. It never did get easier for him and while he did give up his keys he never really bounced back 100% from that.

Kerrikans, just start a dialogue with your mom. Remember, it's not going to happen in one day. You might have to go over it a number of times. With a dead battery and an expired license she's not going to peel out of the driveway today so you have a little time. I'm not sure if our elderly loved ones can be talked into not driving anymore. It's a milestone of old age, giving up driving, and most elderly folks would rather saw their arm off than do it. It's very symbolic of where they are in their life and most dig in their heels. You need reinforcements or this will just become an ongoing argument between the two of you.

Doesn't the license bureau offer classes to seniors to see if they are still able to drive or am I making that up? For some reason that's ringing a bell and it just now popped into my brain. Hmmm.....

Thank you for your excellent suggestions and for sharing your story. I need to bring in reinforcements on this issue, and I think I will talk to my cousin who my mom really respects. Great idea to contact the DMV about elder drivers, too. I just can not imagine she will be able to pass any tests for renewal. I wish I had not procrastinated on this issue, but I barely keep up with the daily issues I have with her. Wow, thanks so much!

Most states have a procedure where you can report an impaired driver anonymously. The DMV will call your mother in for cognitive and driving tests. If she cannot pass, her license will be terminated.

I, too, am struggling with this problem. Two doctors and his case manager have told him he shouldn't be driving. Even told him the neuro-psychological tests prove he shouldn't be driving. He, like your Mom, can do most physical things for himself: shower, shave, toilet, eat, dress although his walking ability is severely compromised...mostly, I think, from sitting around since he won't exercise, not even a walk. What he can't do is think straight, reason, make sound judgments, remember anything for more than a minute, follow directions. I know he'd get lost if I let him go on his own. We have tried to tell him the dire consequences if he has an accident...even if no one is hurt...I would be the one in trouble because I let him behind the wheel. I would not be able to get insurance, We could lose everything! He says, as with everything else I say about him and his condition, is that I am exaggerating; blowing everything out of proportion; making a mountain out of a mole hill....you get the picture. My husband is scheduled for a "driving test" with another neuro-psychologist next week. Since this is purely a paper and pencil and computer test (he only has to push 2 arrow keys, thank goodness because he never learned to use a computer), I am sure he will fail BUT because it isn't a behind the wheel test, he is not going to accept the results. I can only hope they notify the DMV and they contact him and tell him he can't drive anymore. No matter what happens, it will be my fault; I will be to blame, and my current "hell on earth" life is only going to get worse. I hope and pray you have better luck than I.

I struggled with this with my own dad. I had my husband tell him because he still thought of me as his little girl even though I was in my 50's at that time. He would go by what my husband said. Now it is almost 15 years later, my husband has had Alzheimer's for 6 years and this time the Doctor told him that he should not drive. Bill was a School Bus Driver and had studied safety rules to keep his children safe on the bus. He had already stopped driving the bus because he didn't want to put anyone's life in danger. He was still thinking very logically then. Even now he knows there is danger in driving! I was lucky that this was so easy for him to give it up. But I an sure you have been told to tell a white lie to keep AZ patients happy. I would tell her that you had it checked out and the car cannot be repaired. Just lie about it. It is fine to do that with AZ patients. Your justification is their safety! You are the caregiver, and you are taking good care if you tell a white lie!

Yes. We learn to tell a lot of "little white lies" to keep our loved ones safe. Isn't that what we did with our children, too?

Giving up driving is the last bit of independance the elderly have. My mom also has dementia and her doctor contacted DMV, she then received a letter from them to hand over her permit. Of course she was not happy but later realized it was for the best. My heart goes out to you hun, its hard to see your parent get old. Best of luck to both of you.

My great aunt who was a very thrifty person had a leg amputation at 85. It was
her right one and we were concerned that her muscle car would have to be off
limits after that. Since she was such a very thrifty person (raised way before the depression), we appealed to her sense of thrift . My mom let her her know that the amputation would have to be reported to her insurance company, and it would probably cost her a fortune to get insured after the surgery. She gave up driving
after thinking about that angle. A sports car would be very costly insurance if
one accident occured.
Try the angle-or every angle- that you think would get your mom's attention.
Is there a family member who would like to fix up the sports car who she
could be helping? My aunt sold her car dirt cheap to a young couple in the
family and it helped them out while solving our driving issue.
Sometimes they just need a valid reason that they can tell friends and others. Something other than too old or their mind can't handle it anymore.
Taking her out to with you to try to start a disabled car several times might
get it into her head as well. Try every angle.......but keep them off the road
when necessary to protect the elder and all of us.

I had the same problem with my mom, although at an earlier age. When her car broke down, I told her it was too old to get replacement parts. Since she could not afford a new car and payments this "lie" worked. At first she complained that she did not have a car but eventually she forgot about it. Good luck.

IMHO do take the dead battery out; and disconnect some other things, those things i do not know the names of. A doctors cooperation is only helpful if they write a letter so they can be blamed but no letter in the land prevents anyone from turning on the engine and driving...if dr won't cooperate and lo has dementia type up a fake doctors letter and mail it to her ....while the car is in non operatin mode keeping gathering info about how to make this permanent...all of us here can help wiith our ideas.

if you don't like the doctors note idea; have doctor send letter to dmv and i believe the dmv will advise her that she cannot drive due to medical reasons in addition to no registration and no DL. I would keep her insurance current until you are certain she never drives again

ensuring they don't get on the road must happen in one day...getting themto accept it and the like could be a process....and is a process but diabling a vehicle for the safety of innocent people takes minutes; less than an hour. As stupid as I am I could remove a battery and so can any tow company or AAA auto insurance road service.
It doesn't take a day, weeks or longer to disable a vehicle.

if you are afraid as to how your LO will react imagine how afraid you are going to be when she gets sued or when someone has to bury their loved one because of driving negligence...

Millions of people charged with dui's who have their licenses revoked continue to drive anyway. refusing to renew her license will not stop her from driving it only serves as reinforcements. in addition to disabling the vehicle, change the keys on her key ring to ensure that she doesnt have any workable car keys it's so simple to keep the roads safe, not so simple to deal with the aftermath i know so bring in reinforcments, the swat team and anyone else you can think of...but that is what they are reinforcment....the weapon has to be gone and non functional now.

A few years back, we were in a terrible auto crash caused by a 90 plus year old man with dementia. Battling his insurance company became impossible so we hired an attorney. I had to really stand on this attorney to back off from taking this man's home, his land, and anything else he had of value. All we wanted was the insurance money, medical bills paid, and the man's drivers license revoked. So when it came time to tell my Mom to stop driving, we explained how one accident could cause her to lose her home and everything else she had worked all her life to obtain. Maybe try this route and see if you can bring your mom along with the decision in full agreement. It worked with my Mom. She volunteered to stop driving.

Take the car keys away. Be available to chauffer 24/7.

if you can reason with them as WildRose did you are home free. Not all Dementia patients can be reasoned with and also, when they go in and out of lucidity they can do very strange unsafe things when they are "out."

some time ago my dad was on some meds, lithium to be exact, for depression, so he was coo coo at times...my mother periodically found him in the driver's seat of the car when she couldn't find him in the house. fortunately she removed all of the car keys from his key ring. having a key ring withe keys provided dad with comfort; removing the car keys provided mom with comfort

AARP offers a program called "We Need to Talk" for families who are concerned about their loved one's ability to drive safely. They offer it in person or, if there's no location close to you, online.

i am a person who works with familes who have decided to change the driving routine for a love one
there is alot of detail to formulate a plan so that your loved one does not become a shut-in
especially a loved one who is very active in the community
depriving a loved one of her community,family,friends because of her driving is not healthy for anyone involved
her diagnosis is a part of her life not her entire life
we each do the best we can and that seems to change with information,experience, education & support
bravo for asking for help!!!

So she throws a fit. Better a fit than for her to endanger herself and kill someone else. I just told my 87 to-be husband he was not driving anymore and he said, "good". (He got lost going to the VA, they called wondering where he was and he showed up 1 hr. later. I had called police too.) Make up excuses why you cannot buy another battery, just keep making up excuses and pretty soon she will forget about the car. Have it towed if it really becomes a problem, donate it, anything to get her mind off the car. Out of sight, out of mind. Since you are the caregiver, YOU make the rules. End of discussion.

I had this issue with my Mother... and I know it is hard! Sadly my Mother was really NEVER a good driver and with age it got worse. She was damaging the car and also getting lost. My sister's car died and so we loaned Mother's car to her and it never came back... AARP offers a drivers safety class that is very good. Something to think about!

I had the same issue with my mom, also at age 83. She was getting lost, finding herself across town from where she had intended to go. She also had a couple of parking lot fender benders, which she swore were not her fault. I asked her doctor for help with this and he suggested that we get her a GPS! She was not able to operate an ATM machine or a DVD player, but he thought it was a good idea to distract her while she was driving with a GPS?? A couple of months later, a grandaughter needed a dependable car to drive to college so we appealed to Mom to help the grandaughter out by giving her a good deal on the car. She agreed, I think because she saw this as a good deed rather than giving up something.

I don't know much about cars, but if this one is kind of a classic, maybe you could find a family member, friend, or even a teen-age car buff who would like a project. This person could offer profuse thanks to mom and offer to take her for a ride after the car is restored. Since most of these projects take months or years to complete, she will probably forget about the car before it is finished.

Kerrikans, not sure what state you live in, but my folks are in Michigan. When Dad's dementia got to the point that, while he may have been able to drive physically, mentally it would have been too dangerous, as he wasn't quite sure where he was a lot of the time. He was extremely resistant to this news. He was told at the end of a short stay in a rehab center. He insisted that we were wrong. So we talked to his doctor who ALSO told him. He argued with the doc, but was more accepting when it came from the doc. The doc told us that in Michigan they have centers where they will test formerly impaired or elderly drivers using a simulator. He told Dad that if his medical condition improved (which we all know it won't) that he could go to the testing center in their area and have the full battery of tests - written, simulator and road tests. If the STATE passed him on all of these and gave him a license, then OK. The doc also gave us a letter to give to the state, just in case Dad decided he wanted to go that route. The letter said that no way should Dad be driving because of his impaired reflexes and dementia. But that way the STATE could say no.

Then we had the issue of the car, because as long as the car was sitting in the garage, Dad kept wanting to drive. We took the keys, but we continued to get the arguments. Finally, after about a year when Dad calmed down and began to accept that he would not be driving anymore, we talked to him about how it was a bad idea financially to pay for insurance on a car that nobody drove. The battery was dead, so the car didn't run, but it was time to get rid of the car. It was a 20-year-old car and all beat up, so selling it wasn't going to be easy. Instead I asked at the Senior Resource Center and they told me about a local charity that accepts donated cars. They have mechanics who volunteer their time to fix the cars and then they are either sold to raise $$ for the charity, or else they are given to local people who are in need of transportation. Dad would get a small tax deduction for the donation, they came and towed the car for us, and we didn't have to worry about that anymore.

Almost a year has passed since the car left. Dad still gets ornery about not being able to drive, but at least we don't have to worry about him going out and taking the car without our knowledge. Taking away the keys is one of the hardest things the elderly have to deal with. Just like a teenager GETTING the keys for the first time, the car keys represent independence. Having them taken away represents a new phase of dependence. Dad hasn't been the same since.

I have the same problem but it is with my mom and my dad. My dad does all the driving and shouldn't be on the road. He has dementia and glacoma. My mom complains all the time that he would get lost if she wasn't there with him. In the same breath, she says that "he is going to kill me in that car". BUT she loves to go, go, go so she is very happy to suggest they "take a drive" and doesn't want him to not be able to drive them. I need to get the keys away from my dad, but my mother,would never go along with it because that would be the end of her getting out of the house. I am battling both mom and dad. I've been wondering when he does stop driving, how will they get where they need to go? My sister is 2 hours away but I am 15 hours away. How will they get to the dr, the grocery store, church, etc.

I had the same problem with my Dad. As long as he saw his car in the driveway, he wanted to drive. We did two things. Contact his doctor who told him to stop driving AND we took the car away (told him my brother needed to borrow it and just never returned it). My Dad had Alzheimer's and had an accident just after his initial diagnosis. That was a scary time. He could have really hurt someone. It is not worth taking the risk. NOW, I am trying to convince my mother-in-law who is diabetic with macular degeneration (blind in one eye) to stop driving. She believes that as long as she drive locally and during the day she will be fine. That is an accident waiting to happen. I wish you well.

Take the keys, take the keys, take the keys. She will never totally "accept" that she can't drive anymore. My mom's doc and her neurologist told her no. I drive her daily (yes, daily) for the past 3 years. She still can't get over it but fusses much less now. You have to do what you have to do and try to have several others with you when you tell her calmly that she just is not safe to drive anymore.

Hi ,
I have been here and done that. You have a few things in your favor. If the car is dead it should be pronounced unfixable. Someone can look at it and just say it is a gonner. If her license is expired than DMV can help by requiring an MD exam and an OK to drive via a driving test. You can actually call them and give them that heads up. We were lucky -my Mom went to the pharmacy one morning got a little lost and actually pulled over to ask a police officer how to get home. He suspected that something wasn't right and called me (I had my number in her glove box) and I asked him to pull her license. She refused to go for the exam etc and she hasn't driven since. She still asks about driving but we just tell her the police took her license. She will be angry but some of what your going to have to do will make her angry. They do forget about it pretty quick. Its not easy but its better than someone getting hurt or worse. Good luck-know your not alone.

This is not hard to accomplish if you are willing to deal with her anger. In March 2012, my Mom got in her car to drive to a doctor appointment. It was 6am and her appointment was at 2pm! I drove her to the ER instead. It took the local police to talk her into getting out of the car, but she finally went in (while cussing me up and down about it -- even to this day). I told them what was happening and my fear of her driving. They told her they wanted her to see a psychiatrist and neurologist. I took all her keys and hid them. After she saw the neurologist (actually 3), they notified DMV. She was going to fight it, but she couldn't remember the answers (and her caregiver would be here twice a week and spend 90 minutes going over it). She finally gave in. But when I took her to the DMV to get an ID card, she freaked out, got in my face & started screaming at me. Some AH called Adult Protective Services saying we were physically fighting outside the DMV (which never happened). I have a locking file cabinet, and she no longer has access to the car (which I lock, even in the garage), or mail (because she has a "spend, spend, spend mentality now). She is surly, difficult, outright hateful sometimes, but she is my Mom. And I will do everything I can to make sure she is safe and not taken advantage of. No matter how much it pisses her off. LOL.

When my husband started having problems, we sat down together and I told him until we got these issues straightened out, it wasn't safe for him to drive anymore. At that point we didn't know what the problem was and he was going to doctors to find out. (It turned out to be early onset dementia)
My husband was always the one who did most of the driving in our house, but thankfully, he agreed with me and handed over the car keys.