I need to place my mom in assisted living. She is very against leaving my house. How do I tell her I can no longer handle her care?


My mom who has dementia is very against leaving my house, but she has been very demanding of me and my time. I don't have time for my husband or myself I also care for my grandson. How do I tell her I can no longer handle it?

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My Mom was to the point she just went along. Since she no longer had short term memory I didn't see the point in telling her ahead. We moved her in while she was at daycare. When she came home we took her to the AL telling her along the way that she was going to her own apartment.
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My situation will be hard also, my mom's been in our home since last Nov and now thinks she purchased our house. Panics when I'm not around.
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I think the approach to dealing with her in this regard, depends on how progressed she is with dementia. At some stages, the person is very confrontational and disagreeable. It's tough then, because, no matter what you say, she may reject. Later, the short term memory is so poor, that no matter what you say, she will forget. So, even if she agrees to go, she may forget and feel differently the next day. It's not easy, but, with persistence, it's doable. There are some good tips on dealing with people who have dementia on You tube, called Teepa Snow on dementia.

I worked with my LO's doctor, who prescribed AL for her. Due to repeated falls, she needed PT, plus medication that she could not take on her own. There were so many things that AL could offer her, so, she agreed to go, since the doctor said it really was necessary. We called it rehab and she adjusted to the idea. Of course, once there, she soon forgot and considered it normal. She soon considered it her home.

I'd be careful of having an expectation that you can explain how it's too much for you to handle and that it would be in her best interest to go to AL, because dementia often causes that rational and reasonable person to become something quite different and she may not be able to process it. They often have what is called magical thinking. And they may believe things that are totally not reasonable. And they may not be aware of their behavior.
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Your mom lives with you?

Take a tour of a couple of facilities. Alone. Choose which one you like best, start the ball rolling as far as getting your mom placed. The facility will have a social worker who will work with you. Let him/her know your mom's position on this and take his/her suggestions.

In the meantime begin priming your mom to leave. Continue to let her know that you can no longer take care of her.

I don't know what the social worker will suggest as to how to get your mom to actually move out of your house. Sometimes people have to wait for an emergency to make a change. This could be a fall or a particularly bad case of sundowner's. Any situation in which you have to call an ambulance. It can be a minor emergency.

But first start working with a social worker at an assisted living of your choosing.
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Depending how far gone her dementia is, you may not be able to have a rational discussion about this.
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