So over a year ago, my grandfather had passed away, which prompted me to move in with my grandmother just so she wouldn't be alone, and due to the fact that she needs help. Things have not been working out at all, however. Now, I do what I can to help my grandmother - I practically do all of the household chores, for example. But the house itself is so old and there's so much clutter EVERYWHERE. I live in a tiny bedroom that is full of my grandmother's junk. I don't have space for my stuff, or even to move around freely. It's like a tiger living in a small cage. The bed is also old and not comfortable whatsoever. I haven't been able to get a good night's sleep ever since I moved in. I'm constantly tired, and therefore my mood is constantly in low quality.
Another problem is the way my grandmother thinks. She just gets so upset over things and make them a bigger deal than they really are. No matter how much I help, no matter the mistakes I make, she's not happy whatsoever. I know that she's depressed due to her personal losses, and of course, I can't help her with that. But her constant negative and sometimes nit-picky attitude is really taking a toll on me. Worse still, my grandmother gossips about me to others who have absolutely no business in knowing, and that really hurts. She has said things like I'm "so self-centered" or that I "don't commit". I prefer doing things on my own - very free-spirited. She doesn't like that. Of course, I cannot talk to her about my feelings because she'll get defensive and totally mopey, and would bitch to others about me again. She chooses to talk to others about me instead of coming to me first if there's something bothering her.
It's all about her; she makes everything about her. She constantly complains about something that she either did to herself or she has no control over. I help her, she's not happy; If it's not done her way, she's not happy; I make a mistake, she's not happy; I am myself, she's not happy. All while MY needs are not being met at all because my grandmother does nothing but sleep in her chair and watch TV all day. She doesn't want me to help clean the house and make the house more tolerable to live in.
I can't endure living with her anymore. I have depression and this has been incredibly toxic to my mentality. I feel like I'm not a good person whatsoever, and that I could've done something better. The generation gap is too great. How do I tell her that I don't want to live here anymore?
I saw where you said depression wasn’t as much of the problem as being with your grandmother. I do think that is partially true. I know though, depression can cloud judgment, so can anxiety. Don’t hesitate to speak up about meds. If you are taking them and feel they aren’t working properly you can try another type of drug.
I am hoping that once you separate from your grandmother that the depression will ease up. Your environment has a lot to do with how you feel.
Our surroundings don’t dictate everything though. Nor does money. Money is a tool. We can’t live without it. We can change portions of our lives because we have the finances to do so but we can’t let money be a deciding factor in all of our important decisions. Sometimes we have to have enough faith to take one step at the time.
We can try to influence others but we don’t have any power to change anyone’s behavior. You have tried to speak to your family. Let that go now. Make a plan of action. It doesn’t even have to be long term at this point.
Do you have a friend that will allow you to stay with them for a couple of days? Or even one just one night?
Many people need to take time away once in awhile. Awhile back my daughter was involved with a guy that ended up being abusive and dangerous.
She’s in college an hour or so away, depending on traffic, can be much longer, so she can’t just run home at the drop of a hat because of school. There were a few times that she ended up crashing on a good friend’s sofa for a couple of nights in order to be safe. She was terrified to be alone in her apartment. Eventually she was able to get a restraining order in court.
I sense you are almost at the end of your rope and quite frankly I would be too. You need a breather. A break. Do you have any plan of action? Just concerned because I have two daughters. Plus I know how it feels to be in your shoes. It’s really tough being a caregiver. Hang in there. It will get better once you get away from the heavy burden of caregiving.
I was hoping that you would show up and shed light on this topic. Thanks for explaining to the OP that help is available.
I like the point that you made about the OP’s mom. Mom needs to accept responsibility. Why is this dumped in the granddaughter’s lap? It’s disturbing to see her being taken advantage of.
What’s worse is that they are acting like they are doing the OP a favor. It’s clearly not a favor and making her depression worse. The OP needs to start considering her own future.
Once you get a job and place to live (maybe with a roommate cause it's so expensive), tell your mom you can't be grandmother's caregiver any longer so she'll need to make other arrangements. Give her 60 days' notice. Then .. move.
No need to hurt grandmother's feelings or anyone's. It's her home; she can do as she likes. At her age, your mom likely needs to get her into assisted living, but that's for her to do ~ not you. If you live there or with anyone, you'd have to live by their rules and however they choose to keep their home. A lot of biting your tongue and rolling with the punches to reach your goal. You can do it.
Good luck.
The first thing you need to do is to get your very real and very physically based illness treated. Treatment for depression is usually medication and talk therapy. Figure out how to go about getting that.
Do you have insurance? If not, can you get on Medicaid where you live? Before you say no, how have you tried to do that?
Most municipalities have centers that will help you get mental health treatment and job training. Have you looked into those?
Let grandma's kids figure it out, not your circus not your monkeys. You are an adult, time to get your life together.
The OP has an unpaid job working for grandma and paying rent to boot! Oh no, not a feasible situation. I hate injustice of any kind. I hate seeing people taken advantage of. I feel that you are smart, Dolly and you wisely have stated that the more we give the more we lose ourselves and we are also crippling the person that we are caring for by not allowing them to take responsibility for themselves.
Dolly, please keep sharing your wisdom with others. Many need to hear it!
I am not a cold hearted person. I only seek fairness for everyone. People need to be fair and just and stop taking advantage of their caregivers, especially those who are vulnerable. Caregiving changes people. Prolonged caregiving causes people to feel invisible. They start to neglect their own needs.
I can certainly see where living with your grandmother is causing you additional stress. I’m so sorry.
If you aren’t working, how are you paying her? Are you collecting disability income? Are you getting low cost or free mental health? Do you have NAMI in your area? National Alliance for Mental Illness. I have a friend who is a veteran that has been helped with that program.
All I can say is do what you have to do. Do you have a housing program for the homeless in your area? In New Orleans we have a program called Unity. Woman especially are housed but so are all others, singles and families. Our homeless situation still exists but it has dropped drastically.
Where will you go when you leave your grandmother’s home? You do have to think this through carefully. Being on the street can be dangerous.
My heart absolutely breaks for the homeless. I give here and there. Many years ago when my dad was living I would take him to speech therapy three times a week after his stroke. The location was in the inner city and the homeless were everywhere. I would buy lunch for a a few women that I saw regularly. It hurts me tremendously to see people without a home.
I am now volunteering for the food bank. Homelessness is unacceptable in our country to me. It decreased in our area but other areas it has increased. It has been a crisis situation that has not been addressed seriously or resolved. It’s one of my biggest prayers in my heart. I do feel that many of the homeless are suffering with mental illnesses, some are addicts and some are just down on their luck.
Do you mind me asking are you on medication? Are you seeing a psychiatrist? I sincerely hope things work out for you. Take care. Let us know how you are.
All she told me was that I need to put on a "brave face," that living situations can't always be comfortable (or something like that), and reminded me that I'm not capable of living on my own (sigh). So... that didn't help either.
It's HER behavior that's ugly but it's YOU that's stressing out about leaving!
Time to prioritize by putting YOUR quality of life first. She'll manage. Her niece helps her, and hired help is readily available.
Good luck!
I don’t know who is treating you for depression but not all professionals are the same. It’s okay to switch to another source for help if you feel that you are not satisfied or improving.
I don’t see any benefit from you living at your grandmother’s home. You have said that you are miserable. Of course you are. Anyone would be in your situation.
You are caring for her and she is charging you rent? Not unacceptable. Why are you agreeing to that? She would have to pay someone else to care for her. You know this. She is not doing you any favors. You are there doing work for her. She is benefiting from you.
Quite honestly, she is taking advantage of you. You are so young. You should be enjoying life. I would never want my daughters to be caring for their grandmother. This is too heavy of a load for you. Tell me about her niece. What exactly is she doing? Still sounds like you have too much on your plate even if the niece helps some. Please admit to yourself that this is a burden for you.
You say that your grandmother doesn’t want to move. Well, we all have to do things that we don’t want to do in life when it becomes necessary.
You say that she has pride. Her pride is an ugly thing and is interfering with your moving forward.
Listen to me. You deserve a life of your own. Do you believe that? So, please get a second opinion with a professional about this. Be completely honest about how it is effecting your mental health. Do not downplay it. Tell them that you are miserable and not interested in learning coping skills to learn to deal with your present situation.
Once you leave your grandmother’s home you will feel a huge weight off of your shoulders and can begin to heal.
I wish you the very best. You are not helping yourself by allowing yourself to be trapped in this situation. Please start planning a future for yourself. Your grandmother will adjust.
Let us know how you are doing. We care.
Appreciate the response.
Please look for a new residence. Offer to help find a new caregiver if she wishes to remain in her home. If she would like to live in an assisted living facility or nursing home you could help her look for one.
Do you work or is she paying you as her caregiver? Save money for deposits, rent, etc. and move out when you can.
It’s important not to have anyone drag you down. You mentioned you have depression and your situation with her will only make it worse. Can you speak to a therapist? Do you have NAMI in your area?
I wish you well. Take care.
You don’t have to be upset with one another for you to leave. You’ve accomplished what you came for. Time to move on.
Is it enough to pay rent for an apartment on your own or share with a friend?
If so, start planning. Put a positive vibe on it - an apartment closer to study/work etc is a great opportunity for you. Obviously just walking out on someone who depends on you is not on so give as much notice as possible to your G'ma & other family members that are concerned with her care. Especially if you are doing things she cannot do for herself as other supports may need to be arranged.
You may find with some distance you both enjoy each other's company again.
How old are you, and how old is she?
Where were you living before you moved in with her?