How do I talk to my father about moving out of our home into his own place?

Your question was ‘how do I talk to my father’. My first post was not to start with a talk, start with some visits and ‘which do you prefer’. I’d now add on Dawn’s comment “We didn’t plan to have you live with us so long". Keep the talk about him, not about you and why 'you are throwing him out'.

Not sure why everyone is recommending IL or AL. It sounds like he just needs a regular apartment.

See if he will go look at assisted or independent senior living places. He might really enjoy the company of people his age. And he can come and go as he pleases.

Your father does not want to live alone. He has replaced his wife with you . Honestly tell him that he needs his own place, move out date within 3 months . Show him some independent living places so he can get meals and housekeeping or condos for seniors , but he will not be provided with meals or housekeeping at a condo. Independent living would have activities and could find a woman to fawn over him .

He’s a squatter , you would not allow any other person to stay this long .

Show him a video tour of Independent living/assisted living places. He can have his place while being with others so he's not alone.

All the best

RCW,


I love what Dawn has said! Read those wise words again. Especially, where she says that dad didn’t allow others to live in his home.

You don’t have to allow to have your dad live with you anymore. At this point in time it sounds like he is capable of living on his own. If he wants company he can look into senior housing. They offer many activities that he could become involved in.

Wishing you and your family well.

If he's "fully capable of taking care of himself," let him know this OFTEN.
He can get a condo with garage for his woodworking tools. He may need a maid every month, and he can take a cooking class, or subscribe to Hello Fresh.

Or ask those relatives he visits if he can come live with THEM?

Think about this...When Dad was with Mom as a happy couple (before he lost her), did they let other family members move in with them and stay for years? Probably not. Why they were a happy couple!

I see so many couples (in their 50-60s) here are dealing with their stubborn senior parents and stressed out. These stressed out couples need to ask themselves if their elderly parents (back in their middle age years) ever sacrificed their retirement years and took in their own elderly parents? Usually these stubborn, entitled elders never did any prior caregiving for their own elderly parents, nor let them move in.

Have him tour a couple of ALF's. I am amazed at the services that the one MIL is going into has.

IDK what his feelings are about that--but I can tell you one thing: a healthy man in one of these places? He'll be the darling for all the old ladies. I'm sure the ratio of men to women is like 1/5--I didn't ask, but I also didn't see ANY men and a LOT of women.

Not trying to pimp him out, but he will have plenty of things to do and none of the bother of upkeep, meals, activities, etc. MIL's place even lets you keep your car, if you can still safely drive. It's not a locked down place--so the residents who choose, go places with family & friends. Those who don't have the option of going with the ALF 'family' or just hanging out at the facility.

Being honest with him that he's causing stress in your home would hopefully not hurt his feelings. Some people can do the multigenerational co-living--honestly? Most can't.

Thank you for all the suggestions. This is very helpful.

He sold his home and decided to move near you? So he had money that he ended up paying Capital Gains tax on by stalling 7 years to buy another place?

You and husband need to sit him down and remind him the original agreement was short term, that 7 years is long enough, no more excuses, he needs to find his own place, and we'll help you move. You aren't going to hear any more excuses, you've been nice enough for long enough.

He is probably loving you cooking and cleaning, for starters. He gets to avoid a mortgage, paying homeowners insurance, property taxes...He doesn't have to maintain a home, which is expensive! He avoids grocery shopping, cooking, dishes, cleaning bathrooms, you name it. He gets a room in a nice home with no real responsibilities. He doesn't have to pay utility bills, either. He gets to goof off at your home and have his time alone, while you both work all day.

He's got money from the sale of the other house. He's had enough time to get over his wife's death. I can't imagine what excuses he has left! He'll have to buy some furniture and a TV, but he's got the money. He should have been able to save up plenty staying with you 7 years.

You helped him out at a hard time, so don't feel guilty. You both want your privacy back, period. It was not your life plan as a married couple to have Dad live with you so long! Tell him you are now looking for places for him DAILY, since the longer he waits, prices go up. He doesn't have to BUY a place, he can rent one. Make a daily "search" the new thing for 2024. Stay strong, don't cave!

One way might be to do some research yourself on options, and then present him with a choice. A bit like the way you deal with dementia – not ‘what do you want’, but ‘do you want x or y’. Perhaps find three Independent Living set ups, with the option for greater care levels later. Say someone (us?) has suggested it, because you make friends more easily if you move sooner. Take him for visits and let him decide which is best. Get him involved in what he likes best, with the firm assumption that he is leaving. It’s not as brutal as ‘Dad you have to get out’, but it gets to the same place.

You speak to him honestly and forthrightly. Which apparently you haven't been doing, as it sounds as though he doesn't even have a care contract nor shared living costs with you. That's unacceptable.
Meanwhile you have now made your home his residence. If he battles you you will need an eviction attorney.

Do sit down together, come to a plan, then sit with father and tell him you no longer wish him to live with you, and that you will assist him in finding housing in so far as you are able. Give him a time limit. Be ready to see an attorney if push must come to shove.

There is no substitute for honesty. Lack of it has you where you have landed after 7 years of apparently no shared cost of living. What a shame. I wish you the very best.

You talk to him honestly and directly, without apology, “dad, I’m glad we could help you out but it’s time we separated households and each loved on our own again. I’ll be glad to help in your search for a new place. This isn’t negotiable, we love you, but it’s simply time” Isn’t an honest talk better than simmering resentment?