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I think I will soon have to do this, but I'm full of dread.


Mom is 95 and showing more signs of physical and mental decline. She has always refused to move in with anyone and refused any outside help. She's in her own home. My sister visits twice a week and takes care of all basic needs. I visit 2-3 times just for outdoor distance-visits with a mask.


Thinking I need to get tested for covid and quarantine for 2 weeks and move in. I know that I won't be able to visit my family any more after that without needing to test and quarantine again...


Can't get into the plans too far before I feel desperate, depressed.


Need help.

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If your mother is no longer capable of living independently, that means she needs to live someplace else where care givers are available to her 24/7; not that you 'must' move into her home because she 'doesn't want' to move out of it. She'd like to live 'independently' but she's unable to do so if she's dependent upon YOU to stay in her own home. We can't always get what we want in life, especially as we live to very, very old age.

If you are dreading this move NOW, you will be truly miserable once you make the move, and pretty much captive inside the house to boot, thanks to the plague. Depression is a real thing and not something you should saddle yourself down with.

Getting mom into a nice Assisted Living place is not a 'crime' or a 'sin' and it's something you need to seriously consider doing rather than offering to move in with her. I placed both of my folks into AL back in 2014 and it was a great decision for all concerned, no regrets. My mother is still alive at nearly 94 and now in the Memory Care bldg of the same AL. She gets great care over there and is able to socialize with others and do activities daily. Being alone all day with only one other person *you* to rely on for everything is not the ideal situation for EITHER of you.

I hope you take the advice you've been given here to heart, and that we don't hear back from you in 6 months saying Why Did I Make This Mistake, And How Do I Get OUT? It's much easier to move her into AL now than it is to move yourself OUT of there and her into an AL once you move IN!

Best of luck!
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do as a child is to realize your limitations and seek professional help for caregiving. It takes more than loving someone to be an effective caregiver; if all it took was love, everyone could do it, and we would have no need for a support forum!

If you needed your plumbing redone, there would be no shame in saying "I can't do this, I would be in way over my head if I tried, and I might do more damage than good. So it's time to call a plumber." No shame in that, right? Well, there should be no shame either in "Mom needs someone to take care of her. I can't do it. I would be in way over my head if I tried, and I might do more damage than good. So it's time to call for professional caregivers."

Don't let ANYONE guilt you into making a decision that you you are almost sure will not work out. Not your mom, not your sibs, no one here, and most especially NOT YOURSELF!

Good luck! I hope you can find a solution to keep mom safe and healthy!
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Reply to notgoodenough
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rosadelima Sep 25, 2020
Thanks so much. :)
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It seems to me that you already know that this is not a decision you should have made, yet you are determined to go through with it? I think your dread is telling you that you have this one more chance to change your mind, and then that is over. Listen to your own better angels. This is probably a decision you already know is the wrong decision for you.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Being”full of dread” in any life situation, means that before moving ahead, every possible potential solution needs to be explored.
Who is included in the family you have to leave?
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Reply to AnnReid
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I agree whole heartedly with AlvaDeer. If you are dreading the move, then you should not do it.

You are planning to go from a Non-caregiver to a Fulltime caregiver? Did you ever want to be a nurse? If the answer is "NO!!", then you should not be a caregiver to your Mom--especially during a quarantine.

Your desire to help is wonderful, BUT you are trying to help in a way that is offensive and distasteful to you and fills you with lots of negative emotions. Would you want someone who feels that way to take care of you? You may find yourself taking your anger out on your Mom and end up emotional and maybe physically abusing her. Do you want that to happen?

Your Mom is 95 years old and she is going to need more and more help each month and each year. Maybe it is time to stand your ground and tell your Mom and your siblings that your Mom needs to have Home Health Aides or she needs to go to Assisted Living because you are NOT going to do something that you really don't want to do--be a nurses' aide for your Mom.
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Reply to DeeAnna
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Do you have your own family?   I really think this is a mistake to leap into this.   My mom is in decline, which started in her mid 90s and now she is 101.
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Reply to FloridaDD
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How do I take the leap and move in with Mom? Short answer. YOU DON’T!
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Reply to elaine1962
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No no no no no! Spend some time in this form looking at questions and answers. It terrifies me sometimes reading the issues and problems people encounter when they take on the care of an elderly person, no matter how well-intentioned they are.

Do you have children? Remember what it was like dealing with a 2, 3, 4 year-old? Diapers, toileting, bathing, bedtimes, constant questions and tantrums? Now put that attitude into a 95 year old! And add in the size issue. Can you safely help her to get up? Do you call 911 to make sure she isn’t hurt?

My 93 year old mother, in MC, has fallen 5 times in the past week alone. If she was living with me I would have to be with her 24/7 to make sure she doesn’t forget and try to get up to reach something, or go to the bathroom.

What about food, room temperature, TV programs, etc. It's her home and she probably won’t want to adapt to you or your routines. Covid will make you a prisoner, no outside trips, no shopping, no hairdressers, nothing! Just you and Mom 24 hours a day.

I know a lot of people think it’s terrible to move an elderly person into a care facility but the staff there is trained to deal with all the issues the residents might have. And then they get to leave and go home after a 6-8 hour shift.

I know from experience that not everyone has the temperament to deal with the elderly and an bless everyone who works in these facilities.

Your Mom has had it her way for 95 years, maybe it’s time for her to do what you need for a change.
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Reply to Frances73
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Please don't.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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Rosa, why would you even consider this? Sometimes we have to wait for an accident or emergency to get them the help they need. A fall, anything that leads to a hospitalization then into care appropriate for them.

By moving in you are only enabling her to continue to live in an unsafe situation. You will be locked in with her 24/7; I am sure that is not what you want. Even with you there accidents and falls will still happen.

Sometimes we just have to sit back and let them fail.
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Reply to gladimhere
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