I've been taking care of my grandmother for the last 5 years since something happened to her leg and it became hard for her to walk. I started making most of her food. Getting her whatever she needed and made sure she took her pills right. She was in debt with a lot of her bills that I was able to fix with time. It was all fine until 3 months ago when she had a stroke and spent 3 months in rehab, where she developed a bad rash on her butt. They kept telling me and my mom that she was doing good, that she was getting better, faster than anyone they've seen. Now she's home and she couldn't even stand up out of the car, let alone make it up the steep steps to the front door. It took me my mom and my uncle and all our strength to get her into the house. My uncle hurt his back and wont help us at all now. We all live here with her. It used to be just me and my mom, but then she let her son move out back. I'm worried about my mom helping me with all this on top of having a part time job. I have no experience taking care of someone who can't even get out of bed. We had a nurse here who was acting like she was going to get stronger, but ever since she's been home she's just laid in bed, unless she has to go number 2. We try to get her up to go pee when she says she needs to, but half of the time she winds up going in her diaper before she gets to the commode from all the exertion. I'm the only man helping out, I only weigh 150lbs and she weighs only 5lbs less than I do. So when I have to use all my strength to catch most of her weight, it just messes up my back even more. I'm 31 and needed to be focusing on getting my GED that I missed out on getting when I was younger, and getting to a doctor to get my bad vision taken care of with a couple other minor health issues. Ever since she came back from rehab my anxiety has gotten so bad I can barely eat. I've been staying up 12 hours a day on 5 hours of sleep so my mom can go to work and so I can be on the same schedule as her when she leaves so I can watch after my grandma while she's gone. My grandmother used to be in a ton of pain even before this happened and would sit up and cry at night because her doctor doesn't prescribe enough pain meds. Now she has this rash and her legs are even more weak, she's in even more pain. We have a doctor appointment set for Tuesday, but this doctor has never really helped her like she needed to be helped. We're having to build a ramp outside just so we can wheel her to the car in a wheel chair. I think it's going to be a trial just getting her in the car and that's only if the ramp gets done in time. Otherwise I don't know how we'll get her down the stairs and back up them and if she misses this appointment she wont get her medication and will go through withdrawals and wind up back in the hospital. I worry about her and my mom non stop while going through this terrible anxiety myself. The worst part is, sometimes she'll act like she's invincible and act like she doesn't understand her condition. Like she'll say she wants to get up and go use the back bathroom when she can barely make it to the commode next to her bed. I don't want her to just lay in bed and urinate in a diaper until she dies, but she just doesn't want to get up and work on her physical therapy. We're supposed to have a physical therapist come over, a social worker and a bath aid for 45 minutes twice a week, but it's only day 3 since she's been back and we haven't got schedules fixed so that can happen. Plus we have a dog that has to be put up while people are here which is another obstacle. I am doing my absolute best for her, but I feel like all she wants to do is take her pain pills so the pain will stop and lay in bed. She might not even listen to the physical therapist when they get here. She started to get problematic at the end of her rehab and didn't want to work on therapy. I feel so trapped. I needed to be working on fixing my life, but now I'm stuck doing my best for her.
It would be very sad if your life stays as it is and leads to a very dim future. I hope not, but only you can change that. You're right that you need to be fixing your own life, but I don't agree that you're stuck. You are a young adult who can make their own choices instead of having others make your choices for you. If you were to leave, I'm sure your mom and her brother would come up with some solution for your grandmother since they don't want to take care of her. What did they promise you in return for doing this?
I think that you have had lots of answers here. And I have ultimately to agree with Yoda. It is "excuses" you are giving not to move forward.
You say you cannot leave your mother with this. Well, realistically you would be leaving your mother and her brother with it, and together, believe me, without your slave labor, they would be very quick to get grandma placed so that he could continue to laze about and Mom could continue to work.
You say you will just go along doing the best you can. Certainly that is a choice, but then you need to accept that as a choice. You may be too afraid at this point to live another life, getting the GED, dealing with getting a job, your own place to live, and your own family.
When I re read I see it is MY mistake in not really listening to your question. Because you really were not asking us how to leave. You were asking how to make your grandma do her own "work" in trying to stay strong enough to help you as you toil to take care of her.
So the answer to you REAL question here is that "They get tired. They no longer care, and no longer see any upside to hard work. They get stubborn. Their old bones and muscles just sometimes cannot take it any more."
This leaves you with more work. But this is work that you are chosing. You have told us all the reasons you cannot move on. I think you should consider if there might not be one more reason, and that one being that it is too hard for you, as well. Too scary to think of moving away from what is, if hard, a known, a given, a safe place.
Again, heart goes out to you. Hope you will take good care of yourself and even if slowly, continue toward that GED. You will feel good about yourself for that.
Please don't feel bad about that, or let your family interfere. It's not ur fault grandma is old & you are human. God sees your ❤& knows you did right, & now it's time for the professional care she needs. You have ur own life to live.
If you and you mother are home all day with her mother and your uncle just sleeps there, then where is the money to support all of you coming from?
Look, you are 31 without a high school diploma with poor eyesight and I guess no driver's licence. How does your mother feel about your current state in life? Is she concerned about your well being at all. From what I read, your grandmother, mother and uncle could likely outlive you! Your too old for child protective services to help you, but it sounds like you are a slave. You don't owe anyone anything. Please leave and save yourself.
Your profile says that your grandmother is 78. If she had your mother or father in her early 20's, then they are not that old. Unless they are dead, she is really their responsibility or that of a sibling that they have that was one of her children.
As the 2 prior commenters suggest, your gramma needs way more care than anyone in your home is able/willing to provide. She needs to go into a care facility where she will get the care and medical attention she needs and will be in a social community of people that she has a lot more in common with. It is not unloving to pursue this solution. I think it's the best one for her. It's no longer about what she wants, but what is practical, reasonable, rational, possible and affordable. She has no right to "assume" anyone is going to make further sacrifice when you've already done so much. Wishing you light at the end of the tunnel for your family. Bless you for all you've voluntarily and lovingly done for her.
Now as your Uncle is living in the home, He should be stepping up to the plate whether or not he wants to.
What would happen if one morning you headed into town with your Mum and left your Uncle to help his mother?
When the nurse etc show up at the house let them know you have to be able to leave the house to live your life. Ask them who will look after Grandma?
Had your family looked into placing her in a nursing home? That may be the best option overall.