Follow
Share

Hello everyone. I'm in a bit of a sticky situation. Beginning of this year ish in February, my mother in law was diagnosed with lung cancer. We were told she would go through treatment and try to fight it as much as possible. My husband was of course, devastated and doing everything we can to help. His sister and father have been helping take care of her since they live closer. Last year we both got engaged and I'm also a national team athlete. I'm competing at a world level this year in October and I've known his for a year. To make sure his mom got to be at our wedding, we decided to have a wedding this year in July and have a destination wedding next year in May. Everything went as planned until a month ago. My mother in law has not been responsive to the treatments and now she's in a hospice... they are making her last days as comfortable as it can be. We've been going to see her and I've been doing all I can from making food for his father to getting stuff for his mom to cheer her up. However, the relationship between my husband and I are a little tough. I understand that he's going through a super tough time... and I'm doing all I can but nothing that I do seems to be right and he's not even easy to rationalize with. He's angry that I'm going to worlds next month saying that I should have sacrificed it a year ago.. when really.. I didn't even know his mother would be at this stage. I'm doing my best to support him but he's angry that I'm having any enjoyment in my life or doing anything "fun". I've asked him how I can support and apparently I should know.. and even if I offered to stay and not go, he said I should have made that decision without him asking. I'm not trying to be selfish.. but I've made a commitment to the team and while he is important in my life.. this is important too. He knows I'm going but he's mad.. and everything I do isn't right. We can't discuss anything else that's even wedding related for next year because he says he can't think of anything else which I get. So.. I guess I'm making decisions myself because we've already booked our location in march.. when we didn't know any of this was going to happen. Super difficult time.. and I'm lost. I don't know what to do.. I'm trying so hard to support but nothing I do is right. Can someone provide me advice or help? I'm having a hard time focusing and living like this too.. I know he's having a hard time and I've told him multiple times how I am here for him... but he's shutting me down. :(

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
THank you everyone for your suggestions and advice.
My husband has told me to go because he'll be fine. My competition in China will also be attended by my parents and he wants me to see them because we don't live in the same country. After my competition , I was supposed to travel around Thailand for 5 days but I've axed that trip and I told my husband tonight. He told me he would be fine.. but after chatting with him, I could tell he was happy that I'll be home earlier .
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I think Eyerishlass sets out the choice clearly and accurately, but I don't think I quite agree with the conclusion.

Your husband is going to be angry anyway. He's losing his mother far too early and it's not fair. Your presence or absence isn't going to make any difference to that.

You won't likely get another opportunity to compete at that level, and you have the right to take your ambitions seriously. E/lass is also completely correct that if you sacrifice this you must never, never hold the sacrifice over your husband's head; and I'm not sure that it would be humanly possible not to resent it.

How long will you be away? And has your MIL been able to express an opinion, or do you have any idea what it might be if she could?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

He's shutting you down because he needs his wife to be in this with him, to be going through this with him. Making food for his father and trying to cheer up his mother isn't enough.

Your husband doesn't want you to forego the competition in October because HE wants you to, he wants you to forego it because you know that's what you need to do to be supportive. Do you know what I mean? I understand you made a commitment to your team but you made a lifetime commitment with vows to your husband. Who needs you more right now?

Since you asked for advice mine would be to forego your competition and be with your husband as he watches his mother die. That's where your place is. That's what you promised him when you married him.

But if and when you do cancel out your competition you can never use that against him. Never turn it into a weapon you can use somewhere down the line. If you do indeed give it up do it because it's the right thing to do, the honorable thing to do. Not as some kind of favor to your husband. 
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.