Every morning and every day when I come home from work, I wonder if I'm going to find my father, my old cat, and/or either of my old bunnies deceased. I feel like I'm waiting for death. How do I snap out of it? This morning, I finished feeding all the animals and was ready to give my father his meds and go to the grocery store but I hadn't heard a noise from him. It was 8:20 am, and the latest he's ever gotten up in the two years that I've been medicating him was 7:45 am. I was afraid to go in there but I did and woke him up. It was a rainy morning so the darkness made him think it was night I guess. He doesn't look at clocks. I worry about death and think about after, and I have trouble trying to live today. There are many things I cannot do now. For example, the house is falling apart, and my father won't allow any work to be done. Having any people here agitates him to no end. I guess it's good that I have no friends for his sake but my only human companion is my mother's ghost. [She guided me today to use her UTI test kit; I have a UTI, my first, yay.] My brother never helps but he told me that I take bad care of my father because I feed him "crap" in his words instead of things like fish and Chinese broccoli. A few example meals I might make (not always from scratch): tacos, hamburgers, chicken, pork chops, green beans, lima beans, steaks, salad, spaghetti, crab cakes, and so on. I'm gone 9 hours a day, and do 40 hours of animal, house, and yard chores a week. I can't make daily gourmet meals. My brother also says that I should force my father to exercise. He spends all day in the recliner. I can't even get him to respond to most questions, use soap or shampoo, or cover his mouth when he sneezes spit all over the room. Should I be forcing him to do things? He would have a total fit. I put him on a waiting list too for a regular doctor as he hasn't been to one in a few years. They finally called after 8 months, and he said he didn't make an appointment because "there's nothing wrong with me." He is bipolar, has diabetes, had high cholesterol, and the list goes on and on. Why is it that he's fine but I'm a horrible person (according to my brother who is now showing clear signs of mental instability too when I went on a day trip, and he drove irratically while screaming at his nasty wife). How do I stop worrying about the future and live today?
I will ask if the house belongs to you or your father and will you be able or want to stay there after he has passed?
If you will be reaming why not think about getting some new pets maybe a couple of kittens or baby rabbits? They will be the future and the oldsters will pass in their own time.
Dad won't allow workers in the house but are there things you can do to brighten it up. Even if it is just your own bedroom, make some changes to the bedding, drapes etc or even a new coat of pain. Get the low VOC kind then dad won't even smell it. make it bright and cheerful,add some inexpensive candle and favorite scents. Play some soothing music of your choice.
As far as your Dad is concerned is he just old or does he have life threatening illnesses apart from the diabetes? Is he hiding anything from you like ulcers on his legs or a rotten toe? He is not seeing a Dr so is not having someone check for these things,
Fear is contagious. You know you are fearful and you think it is of death. Your mother's spirit is with you for a reason so try and listen to what she is telling you.
Try and ignore your brother. Guilt is probably guiding his remarks and he projects it on you by criticizing everything you are trying to do. Healthy meals don't have to be time consuming. Try and plan ahead rather than panicing on the way home from work and just grabbing some thing from the store. Write a menu for the week and include snacks for Dad to keep his sugar steady while you are at work.
Work on one small thing at a time don't try and tackle everything and reward yourself. perhaps todaypick up all the piles of paper in the living room and toss the garbage. When you have done that get on the computer and choose a new bedspred for your room. get those bunnies out and let them run around the room. They might like to be brushed as well or clip their claws to make sure they are not curling into their feet. They may be old and waiting for death but animals like to go on living to the very end. You have hit a rough patch but you don't need to accept it and mom is there to help you.
I disagree about goading your brother. Try to let his suggestions roll off your back. Why does your brother know what you feed Dad? Why spend a moment of time thinking about the exercise your brother thinks your father needs? The main thing your brother can do is cause trouble. Worse case could he contact authorities? As they say If you see trouble coming, cross the street.
I am new to communication with spirits like your mom.She helped with your UTI. Is there a way she can help with your Dad? Like if you wrote two ideas on a chalkboard she could let you know which would be best? Or if you wrote down ideas and put them in a hat, she could guide you to the better option? I consider you very lucky to have your mother's ghost.
Feel better!
You will feel better after the UTI has cleared, in the meantime, don't worry if you think you are losing it (common with a UTI).
Feel better soon, get some rest.
1. Waiting for death - for me, I try to see it as a normal eventual consequence of living, albeit a very sad occasion. Fortunately or unfortunately, none of us live forever. When we do go, I think it would be ideal if it's as peaceful as possible. I don't mean to sound cruel, but your father and your pets will eventually leave you; there's no way you can prevent it. But allowing it to become a dominant factor will wear you down mentally.
2. A First Nation woman I met through a quilting forum told me when I thought my sister was dying that if I thought she was, what would I want to say to her in the event she died shortly. She was suggesting acceptance, say what might be final goodbyes, and don't regret not having the chance to say them because I couldn't or wouldn't accept the reality of the situation.
3. With your pets, think of how they've enriched your life, and how you want them be as healthy as they can. But once they've reached the stage that they're not, you don't want them to suffer.
4. I do think that it's not unusual to be frightened when a situation occurs that suggests someone has died; I think that would be a normal reaction.
5. The next time your brother suggests your father eat fish and Chinese broccoli, turn the tables on him and ask when he'll be able to fix and bring it for your father.
6. Sure your father should exercise, but how can you force him? Again, suggest to your brother that he plan to come over regularly and exercise with your father.
7. Your brother probably knows he can upset you with criticism; recognize that and see him for who and what he is. Just keep throwing his suggestions right back at him.
8. You could also push your brother a little and ask him for a caregiving schedule so you know when he'll be over and you can take some respite time.
9. Definitely get your father to a doctor as soon as you can, although he's obviously not going to be very cooperative. Who prescribes his diabetes meds? Is he seeing that doctor regularly? Would it work if you tricked him by telling he's going someplace else? Is he taking any meds for his bi-polar condition?
10. I do see similarities in your brother's and father's behavior - manipulative and uncooperative. That may be their personalities, and I doubt they're going to change, but recognize it for what it is and try not to let it wear you down mentally. There's only so much you can do for your father.
And ask yourself if it's possible to change their attitudes. If it's not, don't blame yourself for their behavior and lack of cooperation.
11. How to live for today? Work on recognizing the situation as it is, define what you CAN and can't do and what you will and won't do - don't push yourself to try to change someone who's uncooperative and stubborn.
12. Take more time for yourself; the house and yard chores possibly could be done less regularly. Is your father living in your home or vice versa? If the former, is he contributing financially to his care? If so, can you hire some of the chores, such as the yard work, to be done by others to minimize the time you spend on them?
As to the house chores, they'll still be there tomorrow, and the next day and the days thereafter. Your sanity might not be, so take breaks when you need to and recognize that the chores aren't so important that they take priority over your mental and physical health.
I think the situation you're in is one many caregivers face - overwhelmed, trying to balance between a uncooperative parent, critical sibling, managing work, and trying not to be dragged down into a whirlpool of events and people beyond your control.
My mom is 90 and for the most part pretty with it. There are the repeated stories and forgetting to tell me stuff, but I don't mind. I will miss her terribly when she does pass, but I pray that God gives me the strength to get through it without chewing out any of my sister-in-laws or her church friends who have used her for years. I pray but I am still afraid of that day when he chest does not rise in a steady rhythm because it will be the day I will lose my best friend.
I do think you need to get him to a doctor, given that he has diabetes and bipolar disorder. How has he been managing these things? Something you can do is check for geriatric clinics at your local hospitals, then personally schedule an appointment for him. People with dementia are not very good at scheduling their own appointments or letting you know they scheduled them. If you had a doctor on your side, you would probably feel better. And your father might, too.
I don't know if there is a way we can stop thinking about death. We are surrounded by it. I know sometimes I look at my mother. She looks so peaceful that I wonder for a moment if she is still breathing. I believe that it is constantly in our minds when we care for old people (or old and sick animals).
Love that you have rabbits. Me, too.