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My father has been sending money to online scammers since I was 10-11. I am now 19 living away at university. I don't exactly know how much my dad has sent to the online scams in total, but this is really affecting me and my mother's mental health. My mother works full time, but due to health reasons my father cannot work at the moment. My dad does not contribute to the bills at home leaving all the bills and debts to my mother who unfortunately does not make enough to be able to afford all this. I also have an autistic brother who lives under care but will sometimes need funding from me or my mother. My father has asked for money from so many friends and family which he has not paid back and this has ruined his and my mother's image to friends and family members, which really hurts my heart. Me and my mum have tried so much to get him to stop his addiction. I dont understand why he has continued to do so for so many years. I am really desperate for help and so if anyone could give me some advice on ways we can get him to stop it would be really appreciated. (PS. I deeply apologise for writing so much, but this is my first time ever asking for help with family issues on an online forum and I'm just not used to writing these things.)

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"My dad does not contribute to the bills at home leaving all the bills and debts to my mother who unfortunately does not make enough to be able to afford all this. I also have an autistic brother who lives under care but will sometimes need funding from me or my mother."

What do you mean by "lives under care"? What kind of funding does he need from you or your mother?

You are wise to look into solutions for your father's out-of-control spending now. I am looking into a crystal ball, and I see money being a problem when your parents need in-home help as they age. How old are you? How old are they? (This is an Aging Care website, after all.)

Start separating yourself from their financial issues now, as you may not (should not!) want to become responsible for their care (as in paying for it) when they are old.
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So--maybe point out to mom that she is basically working for these scammers. How much of HER income goes out the door to some fly by night scammer? That would be the end of it for me.

My DH and I do give generously to the causes we feel close to. We NEVER give a dime to the ones that call us.

I wonder if mom could go to the bank and have a limit put on both CC and DC? A small amount, if all dad does is give it away.
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Mom could clean out the bank accounts and put them in an account in her name only. If she feels charitable, she can give Dad a monthly allowance, but I wouldn't.
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This sounds really difficult! But it is your mother's problem to solve, not yours. Your mom needs to change the banking and/or credit card situation so that your dad has very little access to money. Mom should tell friends and family that she is sorry that he has bothered them for money in the past but that they should never give him another dime. I don't know, but could this be some kind of an addiction? Does he have any mental issues? If he's getting scammed online, your mom can turn off the internet and claim that it's broken. Somehow, mom needs to give some tough love here to stop him from wasting all this money.
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Lemurmad31k Dec 2022
Thank you very much for the advice. From what i can tell i dont think my father has any mental health issues but i could be wrong. He has his own credit and debit card and so i dont think there is much my mum can do about how he spends the money in those accounts. My mother has told people she is comfortable telling about the whole situation and they have understood but she struggles to tell most people he asks for money as she finds this really embarrasing and i fully agree.
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If your Dad is not legally incompetent, then the only recourse is boundaries set by your mother, which is to say she separates either literally and/or financially from him. Why is she tolerating this? Perhaps fear of the unknown, thinking it will be worse if things change... and it may be true at first for a little while, but then things should improve at least on the financial front -- especially if your father isn't contributing to support the family.
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Lemurmad31k Dec 2022
My mother has thought about this many times and there is arguing between the two. The problem is this has happened many times and it ends up in them fighting and forgetting about the whole thing the following week. Do you possibly have any advice on how i can convice my father to stop?
(ps. thank you for taking the time to help me out with my situation i appreciate the helpful comments)
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