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I placed my dad in a memory care unit in 10/18/18. He lived with me for a while. I had to bring him from out of state to live with me. His drivers license was taken away and that’s when he decided to come live with me. He was showing signs of dementia when he lived by himself and I knew something had to be done because he was a threat to himself and others. He was a demanding person and a very regimented person. He got sick in July, 2018 and went into hospital and then went to rehab. He lost almost 20 pounds in three weeks at the rehab. The doctor told me to enjoy my time with him thinking that he would not make it for too much longer. I took him out of the awful rehab place and back to the hospital and found he had a blood clot in his lung. He went back into a different rehab for another six weeks and while in rehab he was hallucinating and the doctor deemed him incompetent to make any decisions.


I placed him in a memory care unit due to the care that he needed at the time and I physically couldn’t take care of him because I have fibromyalgia and my diabetes has gotten worse with everything going on.


He now is somewhat better with the dementia. He can remember things that apply to himself but hardly has any rememberance of past events or people he knew for years He couldn’t even remember my moms name. She passed away 22 years ago and he talked about her all the time. The doctor told me I could bring him home but he would decline in his health and I would decline in my health. I look at it as a 50-50 chance to go either way. I’ve kept him at the facility because I don’t know if I can care for him the way I did when he was demanding and needs help with everything.


Either I or my husband go to the facility everyday to see him. I have a daughter who doesn’t help me out but is all into her husbands family and helping them out with their illnesses. She tells me what a busy schedule she has and how stressed she is. So I don’t look for help from her. She did tell me one day after her mother-in-law died that maybe she could help me out a day a week with my dad. I said great that would be so helpful! She then backed down by saying she didn’t know what day she could do it and has never said another word. All I can say is thank heavens for my husband and his support.

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Ebgranny, what stands out for me is that your father is *improving* at this memory care unit. It's working! Please don't fix it!

I'm sorry you feel short-changed in that your daughter seems to have made more time for her husband's family than for her own. But I'm sure this will just have been about circumstances, and what needed doing at particular moments. Wouldn't there be more benefit and more fun for both of you, though, if you and she were to go for a girls' night out together? I'm sure a few hours' down-time would do you more good than her trying to commit to one day a week, and then not being able to keep it up.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Loving someone does not require you to do everything for them. It requires you to make the right decisions for them and sometimes those decisions are hard. You obviously Love your father. Take a deep breath and go on a vacation
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ebgranny May 16, 2019
Thank you!!! I need to adapt your thoughts🙂
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ebgranny — I know just how you feel! We placed my FIL in an MC facility just after Thanksgiving last year after caring for him and MIL in their home for 3+ years. With 5 kids still at home, there are no empty beds. It wasn’t a very easy decision, but we know it’s best for ALL involved. I think the “guilt” you’re feeling is probably more feeling bad because he’s deteriorated to this point rather than actual guilt for placing him in MC. Would that be fair to say? I absolutely HATE walking away from FIL when we leave, but I keep telling myself there’s no better option! He’s been there almost six months and is honestly just as happy as can be! Once he even said to me, “I don’t know where this place is or how I got here, but I’m glad I did!” Hugs to you!! Love your Dad where he is. Let the MC do the heavy lifting for you so you can focus on the relationship.
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Reply to FarmJelly
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eb, that says it all. You would make yourself sick and then you wouldn’t be there for your Dad at all. You need to do what is needed to keep you both well. You are a great daughter you know.
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Reply to Sweetstuff
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Thank you! You’re right it is better and safer for him to be in the MC unit because they have more supervision there. He gets up three or four times at night and I would be on constant call 24 hours a day which wouldn’t help my health issues
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Hi Eb. Sorry you are feeling bad. I know the day might come when I physically can’t take care of my Mom. It sounds like that is where you are now. Visiting him everyday is great. Is he doing ok in MC? This is so hard I know. I’m sorry.
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ebgranny May 14, 2019
He seems to have adjusted. MC said it takes 3 to 6 months for them to adjust. I know I can’t meet his physical needs. There’s just a little part that digs at me everyday.
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I think the best way to come to terms with the guilt is to admit that you are not capable of providing the best care for him. When you really let that in deep down inside you will lose that guilt.
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ebgranny May 14, 2019
Thank you for the input. It’s true deep down inside I know I could not keep up a schedule with him due to my health issues. It just digs at me a little bit each day that I should be doing more. Battle myself back-and-forth each day
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Do you think that having him at your house would be much better for him than MC? Or much better for you? I'm thinking probably not. When a person needs to be in MC, I think that the level of care they need is very high and difficult to be achieved at home.

So, give yourself a pass. You don't "have" to take care of your aging parent that needs more help than you can provide. I think it's better and safer for him to continue in the MC unit.
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