I am the full caretaker for my aging mother who is in the beginning stages of cognitive decline. My sibling and she are very close (son and mother and the favorite) who does not see what I see, or deal with what I deal with on a daily basis, and only visits on occasion, but does help with her list of things she has created. I leave for the duration of the visits because I need a break, and it's their time to visit. However, I am going to need help, and the sibling is the only one that has the ability to help with things, yet I feel like I cannot place that phone call to him to begin sharing the problems and concerns or to ask for the help I need for fear he will tell her, and my life will become a living hell in the house from her anger/wrath. I am stuck and cannot move out or get her help. It is impossible to talk with her about herself, too. I found out she was bad-mouthing me to him in the recent past, but was able to convey the truth to him, which I was appreciative he was receptive to it. I take my mother to all appointments, house clean, etc., and have no help and no support network. My sibling lives an hour away and busy with life, but as time is going on, I can foresee many more problems. The biggest challenge is talking this out, but I have been pivoted against from my mother and deemed the 'scapegoat' and the sibling is her favorite. It is a very dysfunctional family dynamic, and I am at a loss. It is too early for her to go into a home, and I am at my wits end in taking care of and dealing with her problems and issues that she does not want to face. Hoarding, anger, etc. The sibling does not see anything is wrong, as she does not have this behavior with them, ever, and she is the siblings total support system, which poses the second biggest problem.
When I had finally concluded I needed help I sat and wrote a careful letter to the sibs. I explained that I needed help and support, that Mom and Dad needed to see them more often, that I desperately needed a long-overdue vacation. I included suggestions of help, and really tried to make it NOT be a woe-is-me complaint. I took 3 days to write it,making sure it was devoid of anger, or accusation or could sound like I was begging for pity.
A letter like that could be very helpful. Bro gets a chance to read the whole thing before getting argumentative. You could include a list of the things that need to be dealt with NOW: legal issues like POA, options for Mom's future living arrangements etc.
(I know my results of the letter are far different from yours could be. I have lots of siblings who all get along and are helpful and solve problems instead of argue about them. But none of them knew the toll it was taking on me. After I emailed it to the 4 sibs they all put their heads together to make a plan to ease my burden. Someone came to visit Mom and Dad every weekend, either the sibs or one of the 8 adult grandchildren. I got a break and the sibs got a clearer picture of the situation. I realize this was the exception not the rule! My point is mostly that a well written letter could be the best way to open discussion.)
Consider bringing the subject of future plans up with your mother now, when she can still feel like she has a say in it. That way bro can't spill the beans, you will already have started discussions!
This site has tons of information on the subject of making plans and the forum is a great place to get advice as well as vent frustration and anger. Use it!
Best of luck to you.
If you have it, then don't stress about what your brother thinks, the ultimate decisions will be yours. When you have reached your limit on caregiving then you can start the process of placing your mother, and getting her on Medicaid if that will be needed. Your brother's approval won't be necessary.
If your brother is the one with the DPoA, then GET OUT NOW!! Tell both of them you are moving on with your life and offer some (however much is 100% up to you) assistance from afar. Make plans to move asap.
If nobody has it, then demand one of you get it now, or see option 2 above again.
They are perfectly happy. It's YOU who isn't happy. Question now is what you will do about that?
It is time to stop trying to find a way to magically change Mom and Bro. When you speak to them, remain gentle. Make only "I" statements.
"This is not working for ME." "I am not going to go on the way things are." "THIS is what I need."
REMAIN GENTLE, and non argumentative. Stick to what YOU NEED. Tell both that you cannot continue doing all this care without help; inform your Mom that she may have to go into care in LTC facility after Covid is gone if another option is not found.
Who is the favorite is immaterial. It's to love folks who live across town. My PARTNER, however, who is RIGHT HERE? He's gonna get it!
The facts are that you are not now enjoying your own life. You have given it over to the needs of your Mom. Tell your Mom and Bro that you are planning options for YOUR OWN LIFE now, going forward, and those options don't include 247 caregiving.
Let Mom and Bro know you do not need answers today, but that you are beginning to make plans for when Covid ends, for your life going forward. You will need more freedom for your own activities and your own choices in life. You Mom will have to consider LTC facility care unless she chooses to move in with your bro.
You are going to have to stand up for yourself now. Trust me, neither of them will stand for you. EVER.
While it is easier SAID than DONE to change your own life, you are going to now have to choose whether you will accept a life of labeling yourself "scapegoat" and other terms. You are not a victim unless you choose to be one. Remember, the "victim" gets nothing but whining rights. For the investment in care and loss of your own life, that isn't compensation enough.
Whether they want to gossip and complain about you? Who cares? Anything that keeps them entertained.
The question here is one for you, and only you can answer it.
What do you want for your own life going forward, and what will you do to ensure you get it? Think about it. Make your choices. Consider counseling to help comb things out. I wish you the very best of luck and life.
How old are you?
How old is your mother?
What is her health condition?
Why are do you feel like you are stuck living with your mother?
Have you researched options for your mom, and gotten the true cost of these options?
If you were out of the picture, who would step in?
You will find that this is a safe place to learn. It sure is a lifeline.
And, by the way, it's never 'too early' to be placed in an Assisted Living residence. When is it the 'proper time'? When your mother is totally bedridden or 100% out of her mind with dementia? No, of course not. If she's bedridden, it's too late for Assisted Living and then she will need Skilled Nursing. If she's at stage 6 dementia, she'll need Memory Care and it will also be too late for regular Assisted Living. In reality, NOW is the time to place her in Assisted Living so she can acclimate, make friends, and start a new life where others can see to her needs, not you or your brother. Teams of caregivers work in 3- 8 hour shifts to accomplish what YOU will try to do for her, alone. Sound impossible? It pretty much IS!
It's better to remain her children and have that relationship than to take on the burdensome role of full time caregiver, where many of us lose ourselves entirely. Especially where there's a dysfunctional element going on to begin with, where you'll always be the Bad Guy & your brother will always be the Good Guy, no matter HOW much blood you leave behind doing for your mother. It will never be good enough, anyway, so don't take on a role you'll never be able to be successful at. Let the Golden Child do it. Or let the teams of paid caregivers do it in the beautiful & upscale Assisted Living residence you find for her!
Wishing you the best of luck setting down boundaries and learning how to stand up for, and take care of, YOURSELF!