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My mom passed away 9 days ago on 12/1. I'm absolutely crushed. I was there to hold her hand when she took her last breaths. She lived here with me and my husband for 5 1/2 yrs. I'm the only child from my mom & dad. She was ready to go, my brain knew it in some way...but my heart couldn't understand it...she talked to my dad who passed in 1997 and she talked to her mom too in her last days. She was so frail..so small and it feels like it happened instantly. My life revolved around her for the last 5 1/2 years since she came to live with us...now what do I do? She is every where.., medicine reminders, the food she liked, her snacks, paperwork. She had COPD..and fought for every breath...I'm happy she is no longer suffering (I feel so guilty about that), because she talked about how she was tired and done and didn't want to go thru this anymore. My grief is so complicated.

I'm sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself, it is early days after a very difficult journey.

Grief is so hard, it is all over the place and pops up when we least expect it.

Maybe, after the holidays you and hubby can take a vacation to help you reset a bit.

The 1sts are the hardest, so prepare your heart for the difficulty of getting through the 1st holidays and embrace your friends and family.

Hugs!
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VictoriaP Dec 16, 2018
I told myself I was going to straighten her room today, it looks the same as it did the day she passed. I don't have it in me...all I do when I go in there is sob and smell her things. I'm supposed to go back to work tomorrow, I don't know that I can...it's only been 4 days since her funeral.
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I'm sorry for your loss. You should not feel guilty for wanting your mother not to suffer. That is the most compassionate thing a person can desire for another. I think you should give your self time because it's all you have and it's all that is going to help you heal. We will never get over the death of a love one but sure enough we will learn how to live with it better. Those sad memories will start to turn into the times your mother was healthy. Moments from your child hood that mad you smile etc. You will alwasy miss your mom but you will not be haunted by her passing. She is a part of you she is never truly gone.
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VictoriaP Dec 14, 2018
Thank you for your kind words. It's such a roller coaster.
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I am sorry for your loss.

Guilt is for when you have done something wrong. There is nothing wrong about feeling happy that her suffering was over. Would she want you to feel guilty about that? I hope not.

At least for the next year, do not make any major decisions for your judgement will be clouded by your grief.

It sounds to me like there is some burn out connected with your grief. I suggest part of building a new normal is building a life around taking care of you and enjoying your marriage. How long has it been since you two have been out on a date? Do you remember what you as well as the two of you once enjoyed dong together. It will not be a return to the old normal, but I suggest starting with what you once enjoyed and you two getting out of the house for some dates.

Finding a grief support group for you and your husband to go to would be helpful too. If Hospice was involved, they have a chaplain that you can meet with.

I also recommend the book, Life after Loss by Bob Deits. It is a helpful book about building a new normal.

I'm an only child and lost my dad in October. My grief is complicated in its own way, but I'm trying to move forward building a new normal.
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Reply to cmagnum
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I'm so sorry for your loss.

Whatever you do, don't be in a hurry. This is Day Nine after five and a half years, which means you have just been been hit by an emotional steamroller. As well as your husband, do you have any other friends and family supporting you?
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VictoriaP Dec 14, 2018
Thank you. We have a good group of friends, I have one coming tomorrow to help me put up Christmas decorations. We have family coming in for the holidays tomorrow and later in the week next week...hopefully it's distracting enough to get thru.
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My condolences for your loss.

You keep breathing and take one step at a time. There are no rules around grief.

My stepdad died Nov 26, the funeral was on Friday. In the days between, Mum kept very busy, making arrangements, sorting his papers, calling pensions etc. She is crashing now.

Yes you will see your Mum everywhere and it may trigger tears, but some things may trigger a smile or happy memories in time.
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VictoriaP Dec 14, 2018
thank you. We had her funeral 2 days ago...I feel like I'm in a fog. Sometimes I can see thru it, sometimes not. I'm sorry for the loss of your stepdad.
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