How do I show my sister that POA is life-consuming & she needs to help?

Thank you everyone for all the helpful feedback. I’m sorry to not reply earlier, but a series of setbacks in my health have kept me away until now. Sis is named as back-up POA. I am writing & sending POA resignation this weekend. Yes, Mom is in NH & not much left to do compared with all the bills & medicaid waiver apps I’ve done for her & my Dad, but I am burnt out & need to let someone else take over even that little.

I assist my brother with our stepdad and they are 2500 miles away. I would say the initial time to set up everything online was about 4 hours. After that I spend less than 2 hours a month helping/overseeing credit card charges, bank account activity, etc. In fact everything is on auto pay and I get all emails, and billing questions.

Your sibling should step up and help out the family - if everyone helps a little the burden for the one actually there and doing the work is considerably lessened. Tell sister to quit being self-centered and help the family through this tough time, it's what a family does.

Yes it can be done. My dad lives near me now, and all his mail and bills from his old house gets sent to my brother, 3 states away.
I handle the bills for his current apartment but brother deals with the house stuff, at least until it’s sold later this month.
we both have POA for financial and health.
Tell sis to step up! You can’t do it all alone.

What I did was to make an itemized list of every thing/event I had done with living out of state with my mother. On a 8 x 12 notebook, it equated to 458 pages for 8 months only. Countrymouse is right on the POA-the Agent (which you want to be your sister) cannot file. Your mother must appoint, though you said sis does not want to be the Agent.

Im in the oppisite corner. My sister had POA and did nothing and I mean nothing. She dumped my moms medical, court issues, moving out of her home and into mine 100 percent on my shoulders. She has grown typically kids and I have 3 still at home. 2 with special needs. My sister thought since I stay at home and she works part time that this would be great. The kicker, when my mom moved in 2 weeks ago my sister took half of my moms money to gift her kids. Wow, right. POA will now be changed and executor. My sister just felt important having a title. I have decided to keep my sister out of my life. When my mom needs money for things. I will send my sister and three nieces the bill.

Well, the one thing is the house. If Mom is on Medicaid none of her money can go to the house. SS and any pension goes to the NH to offset her care. If there is 2k or less in her acct after spend down, that can only be used for her. So that leaves brother with keeping up the house. All upkeep, utilities and taxes. The NH can be made payee for her SS and any pension. If she has any debts, they cannot be paid since her money can not be used for this. So, where is the financial responsibility? The nh provides Depends and toiletries. Even does laundry. You just visit.
You are not responsible for her debts.

Hello Sternotherus,
You are right, she can take care of her finances from 350 miles away. I’ve been handling my mothers finances along with all of her prescriptions for around 15 years now and I live over 3 hours away from where her credit union and
primary doctor are located. You can do most of it online including a few phone calls now and then. Not only is it doable, it takes no more effort than it would Living in the same town. She could set up any reoccurring bills to be automatically paid from her bank and then just go online with the bank to look at the account(s) to be sure everything is going smoothly. In fact, being too far away to help in the daily care, this would be something she can easily do to help out. It’s always a struggle with siblings when it comes to caring for parents. I know because out of five siblings, my sister and I do most everything. We have allocated some online jobs to a few of our brothers, which has been helpful.
With technology as available as it is, distance is no longer a big issue. She really doesn’t have a good excuse.

I take care of all my father’s paperwork and I live over 700 miles away in a different state. My brother deals with him personally. I want nothing to do with my father on a personal level but wish him no ill will. My brother has no idea how to deal with all of the medical and financial paperwork and I am happy to do it. It helps my brother out a lot and I don’t have to deal with my father. It works out just fine for us but we both agreed to do it this way.
If your sister doesn’t want to deal with your mother in person then this a great solution. All financial issues I set up online. I manage all my father’s health care via phone calls with the staff at the assisted living center and the psychiatric hospital he has been admitted to more than once. I’ve not spoken to him in over ten years. The social worker I deal with at the ASL has been very helpful.

Your sister should be able to manage the finance remotely. There are lot of ways one can do it. On line banking with alert prepaid credit cards debit cards etc are there. I care for my mother in-law. All expenses are through a dedicated account. Care giver has debit card to use. Kids and grandkids deposit money into the account as needed and I submit a detail exp to every one. All in on line shared folder. One should have stress on issues like this in caring for our elders. These are the basic infrastructure that need to be build in every family to care for elders.

well your sister is 100% right. She can't 350 miles away, and you cannot force her to. What you can do is see an eldercare attorney about the possibility of getting a court-appointed legal guardian since you want to dissolve yours.

You can't transfer your power of attorney to your sister.

Technically, your mother could - but if your sister doesn't want the job then it would make no sense at all for your mother to appoint her.

You'd better get legal advice (which you can pay for with your mother's money, because it is solely for the purpose of organising her affairs) about how best to resign your POA and/or make alternative arrangements.

And if your mother's property is tied up with your brother's, you're going to need legal advice on how to sort this out in any case.

Your sister seems to be a fine illustration of the maxim that "ignorance is bliss." But forcing her to become better informed, and making her miserable alongside you, is not going to help your stress levels. Moreover, bringing a new person on board is going to create endless potential for misunderstandings and breakdowns in communication - it'd just make more problems than you'd solve.

I should ask around - APS, the NH, your Area Agency on Aging, even personal recommendations - and find a reputable lawyer with experience of elder care.

You have POA. It is within your power to hire someone to help you. You can go to the American Association of Daily Money Managers (AADMM.COM) website to find a Daily Money Manager who works with seniors near you. Some Daily Money Managers also work remotely. It is oftentimes good to have a third party handle some of the financial and administrative issues of caring for a loved one. It takes the emotional strain out of it.

I have the same problem..it is absolutely a burnout. My sister does have the financial though, but does not help at all with any appts or helping out with other things. I don't think they even comprehend how much work is involved when they do nothing. But yet she gets the pat on the back. I feel for you when you have to handle a bigger task & no one is there to lend a hand. My brother lives out of town so he is blind to the situation. He likes to give advice but not lending a hand. I hope things will get better for you. Remember you can walk with your head high. You did everything you could.

You are sole POA. Is your sister even listed on the POA document as your backup in the event that something happens to you?

You cannot force her to help. You cannot assign Financial POA to her either.

It sounds like she has set her boundaries. She knows that your brother will mess things up and wants no part of it.

If your Mum is still in the nursing home and on Medicaid, how much financial management is needed?

You can't make anyone change the way they are. Some people are just selfish and won't do anything that does not benefit them in some way. You have been a saint where most would have walked away already. Plus the POA can only be assigned by the person in need. As POA you can assign duties to others, but not financial authority. Maybe you need a case manager but they will need to be paid.

Do you need,to walk away from the situation and just be a visitor to your LO? Since your LO has had 4 medicaid apps, it appears to me that LO is out of funds. Is your LO is already in a nursing home on Medicaid? Why is it that you want to lay down this duty? Is it just to get your sister to participate in care? Who is named as backup POA?

The only problem is, if neither your mother or brother is capable to assigning POA to your sister, she cannot make any binding financial decisions for them. No facility, including banks or health care facility, can accept her signature or decisions as legal. You’d still have to do the work and signing.

it sounds like sis is just loathe to participate in any way. You can tell her you’re hiring a financial person to help and their fee will come out of any funds of Mom and brother’s. If she accepts that, then do it.