How do I say no?

I have to agree with the comments suggesting that you just say no. Although a lot of people will disagree with your decision, and disagree with this post, we personally had to make this decision a long time ago and it was the right thing to do. The people who condemned us have moved on. My mother-in-law was fine mentally, but physically was giving out. We were under pressure to take her in by her friends and church. But, these people knew only the woman she wanted them to see, and not the woman we knew her to be. All of the children knew what would happen to their lives and their marriages if one of us decided to take her in. I knew this woman for over 40 years and I could go into detail about what problems she caused through our married life, but I'll let my husband's 3 other siblings multiple failed marriages speak for that. She was intrusive and manipulative, a thing my husband recognized around our third year of marriage, and he was the only one who was able to distance himself from her manipulations and handle her in a way that allowed us to remain part of the "family" but immune to her attacks. But, we also recognized that living with these attacks 24/7 would wear on us, and we know better than to invite this into our home when there are workable alternatives. Every family situation is different, and you have to decide for yourself. Making sure your mother is safe and cared for, in my opinion, is your responsibility, be it at her home with caregivers, in a nursing home, etc. Being pressured by outsiders who could never know your actual situation will always be an issue, but go with your gut and don't let other people guilt you into doing something you are going to regret. Yes, their comments and snubs will hurt and be hard to take, but you don't owe anybody any explanation for your decisions, you have to do what is right for you. We made this decision 8 years ago, and still get asked why we didn't you let her move in with us, but we just say "we made the decision that was right for Mom and the family." Good luck! Stay strong, and know there are those of us who completely understand and have made the same hard decisions and lived through it.

You are seeking approval, not advice, for a decision you are struggling with. Most of us have been in the same or a similar situation. Just remember, the decision you make will be one you will live with for the rest of your life. If you feel guilty now it will be compounded after she is gone. We all come into this world depending on help and we leave the same way. And you will someday find yourself in the same situation. What goes around comes around.

You care for her as much as possible already. What do your siblings do for your mother? Where do they live?

What are her finances? Can she afford an assisted living place? Can she afford hiring her own in-home caregivers? Why hasn't that been considered? I hope the attitude isn't that "Mama will never go into a home."

Whatever you do, do NOT take her temporarily "to see how it goes." Say no and mean it from the beginning.

Ricky, that's a perfectly fair point - provided that you first of all imagine yourself to be 93 years old and very much attached to your own ways.

You would also have to imagine expecting your children to make the necessary sacrifices, which I for one hope will remain unthinkable.

I think you need to answer your question by asking yourself what if your children were saying “no” about you,

As a 66 y.o. who just retired and brought Mom who is 95 to live with me 2 years ago, say NO. It is going ok for me at the current time, but my youngest, the 38 y.o. lives between with me and her longtime boyfriend who lives a mile away. They are over here a lot which helps tremendously. ( My brother passed away a few years ago, so I am the only child. )

But different things are a constant struggle, and I have no life outside of home. Be strong, say NO, don't let it get started. Find a good place for her to live in assisted living and then you and your siblings can visit.

It is a constant struggle for instance having her use her walker, bending over to pick things up. She is SO unsteady. She constantly leaves her walker in a different room and "forgets" it vs. purposely leaves it. Her vision and hearing are not good. Memory so-so. She is a very young 95 and very healthy; I see her living to and past 100. I love my mom very much, but if she has one bad fall and breaks anything, she will wind up in a nursing home for sure.

DO NOT DO IT! You will regret it. You don't have to explain anything really - just say it's not possible. Your mother sounds like she needs to be in a nursing home. Your dementia will only get worse - along with the rest of her problems. If she wants to stay in her home - then she will need home health care. I'm getting to that point now - my mother is in my house and is 93. She does o.k. except for the fact that she tries to STILL tell me what to do - how to spend my money when I have worked for 40 years! I'm just waiting to retire - SSN at 62. She keeps telling me that I wouldn't have to still work if I would just quit spending money. Trust me - I buy clothes on the clearance rack, color my own hair, and hardly EVER take a vacation. Only a night away for a year. I'm so tired of this life but with the pandemic am really stuck at the moment. I plan to tell her she needs to figure something out because I CANNOT take care of her. I have joint issues - cannot bend down and pick someone up or help her shower when it gets to that. God Bless - but find other avenues. I too feel like I deserve to have a life - she has lived with me off/on for over 20 years. I'm just tired as she can be a very manipulative, negative, narcissistic person. She has also driven a wedge between other family members. So no one really comes around to see/visit her. Tired of this!!!!

I’m 61 & my mother is 93. I’m in good shape & health ...have no husband or children but have home a mother with dementia who sometimes gets violent. She’s incontinent & immobile. She gets transferred with lift machine. I discharged her 3 years ago from SNF she was in for 10 months. She declined much & needs medications for agitation. I’m exhausted. DON’T TAKE HER HOME!!!!!!! You will regret it.
HUGS 🤗!!!

Wish I could follow my own advice sometimes... but... Just say, "I just can't. Sorry" and don't say why except "I just can't". If you give them a reason the'll come up as to why you can. She may outlive you. Keep that in mine when saying it as many times as you need to. There are plenty of nice assisted living places out there. Keep us posted. Stay strong.

To quote my sister in law (who loved my mom dearly) "well, I always thought mom would come live with us, but with this dementia thing and the delusions, no, not happening".

Dementia is a one way street. It does not get better. But it IS better to get someone with early dementia into a facility while they still have some skills that will allow them to adjust.

You are perfectly justified in saying that moving in with you is not the best care plan for mom. She needs professionals, not tired and retired children, caring for her.

Great question great responses. With Covid now I’m struggling with this same issue, but these viruses are adding more fear.

You can't live your life trying to make everyone else happy.  Tell them you are going to be the best daughter you can be by assisting your mother in finding the best care available.  Running yourself into the ground and giving up your life doesn't make you a better daughter and if your siblings need you to do that then they don't have your best interests at heart.  Help your mom find a great place half way between you and your siblings so that everyone can visit mom.

Don't let them bully you into doing something you don't want to do.

A 93 year old person with dementia should be at a facility with memory care. Us "normal" people are not equipped to deal with all of the issues that come with someone who has this disease, no matter how much we wish we could. That is the reality of the situation.
You don't need to justify to anyone why you do what you do. The answer is no. Plain and simple. They don't need to like it, they don't need to understand it (but I bet your siblings do understand) they just need to accept it.

By getting her the care she needs you are taking care of her, just not in the way some people want to use guilt to manipulate you into doing it so they don’t have to.

Just no! I am living this horror and I am so sorry I didn’t say no! Everyone e will jump ship when time get tough, do t do it.

My husband and I had my mother 24/7 for 10 yrs. I was verbally abused by her numerous times over that period. She could be very nice at times. But if she misplaced her things she would accuse me of stealing from her, and numerous other things. It's like the world rotates around her, and her wants. My husband and I have been married for 51 yrs, and he is nearly 79 yrs old. We had always planned to travel, and enjoy retirement together. Instead we spent all this time having a very narcissistic person controlling our lives. The straw broke when she falsely accused my husband of physically abusing her. She is now in a nice assisted living residence-----but is still doing everything she can to make our lives miserable. Due to the covid-19 we can only see her through the window. She is profoundly deaf, so she feels very alone------and therefore I feel guilty. She calls me and tells me that she is NOT going to stay there once the lock-down is over etc. Of course she can't hear me, so she just rants at me! When she went into A.L. my husband and I thought we could finally do some of the things we wanted to do ------then the covid-19 hit. So now we are sitting at home thinking about the 10 years that we wasted by taking care of a very selfish, unappreciative, narcissist. Find a nice residential place for your mom, and live your life on you own terms---before it's too late!

Been there, done that. Preferred answer would be to find a n assisted living facility midway between you and siblings. I could not do that to my father and I pulled him out of a rehab in the state he lived in ( had been living alone for years 10 hour drive from me). I was working 50-60hrs per week/ siblings were farther away and not able to do it. Got in touch with local sr care advisor and had care givers come to my house for 8 hrs each work day to take care of him. Paid them from his social security. This worked ok for about 1.5 years ( multiple hospital trips for falls as he refused to use the walker) some better physical therapists got him to move around better and his life was going better. I retired at 63 because work kept adding more trips and additional jobs. After that I found I was able to relax and do more with him. Make it as easy on yourself as possible. I had him on mainly frozen meals or easily made dishes. I was shocked when he passed away one morning while I had a morning nap. But he never had to go to memory care and passed in the bedroom that was his. Yes it can be a lot of work, but with good caretakers it’s satisfying to know that you parent is getting the help they need and You can leave the house for sanity breaks or shopping during the day

Do you not think you have a right to say no? Of. Purse you do. You’re an adult and can make decisions that are right for your life. You simply say "I will not be taking mom in to live with me. So let’s brainstorm for when she needs care". There are no obligatory take in a parent. You can be a better daughter from afar. If you want to give up any semblance of a life, retirement then take her in and by the way expect absolutely no help from your siblings.

Of all the answers, I only see one that subtly implies that you SHOULD take your mother in. Don't let any one else send you on a
guilt trip. You have carefully considered the facts of your situation. If you are POA, this is not the last decision made where you will stand alone. Being courageous is an uncomfortable thing - but it is nor deadly.

The worst part about taking care of your mom 24/7 is it’s 24/7. You have no life after that. Mine Has LBD I am her lifeline but she has taken it from me. I have no freedom I must take her every where I go, Watch her constantly I have no freedom.
she is incapable of doing anything for herself. I had to schedule all my appointments on my husband’s day off like doctor dentist etc. or I would have to bring her. I left my job 4 years ago to care for her I am turning 65 this month. I have no feelings of freedom. Think about it I have no siblings I am an only child. You get invited to a wedding, BD, baby shower, etc. you can’t go unless you bring your mother, and do they have a handicap entrance or bathroom. It is just simpler to say I cannot attend.
Think about it, long and hard.
The only time I get freedom is when we put her in respite for vacation that is heaven for me. I did find a daycare finally that I used maybe 3 times that was good also I could do my shopping and appointments without her. But I still have to get her up feed her dress her transport her to a certain time and then pick her up.
after 4 years I just want to get up and not have to do anything for her. And she doesn’t know who I am, just some friend who takes care of her. Keep your life!

Because I said YES, we have not had a vacation/a life in three years.
We are retired and have not been able to do much. She is a 24/7 needs person. Cannot leave her with anyone (she will fall and we will get a call to come back or whatever). Seven years ago, I said yes and the last 2 years have been the worst. Remember, she will get worst and worst with time. JUST SAY NO. Make other arrangements for her. We get help from caregivers during the day, but still can't go far from the house. Good Luck

Everyone has choices. That is your choice if you don’t want to sacrifice for your mother. Someone does have to eventually step up and help her. My gosh she’s 93 years old. She cared for you and your siblings. I’m so hurt as a human being when I see situations like this.



God bless you and your siblings. I truly hope you have a change of ❤️ Heart.

I think you should be self-determined rather than other-determined.

I made the choice NOT to take Mom in; it was the right choice. Make sure you give her time, tho, & reassure her you will be there for her. And give your siblings a hotfoot: you are not an only child. This was one of the worst of my troubles: all children have to find a way to pitch in! Come visit her, give you a break etc.! Best of luck!

I am sorry that you are in this situation but you should tell your siblings no and stick to it. They have their reasons for not being able or willing to allow your mother to live with them and so do you. You are still working full time and your mother should not be left home alone for that many hours if she needs assistance with her care. It is also important that you continue to work so that you can prepare for your own elderly care needs. I guess it is easier for your siblings to put the responsibility on you, because then they can go on with their lives. I agree with you it is time for you to enjoy some leisure time because you have sacrificed enough. Why can't your mother go to a facility where they are trained and 1 person does not have to provide 24/7 care? I hope that everything works out for all of you.

Hello - it seems like you feel guilty a little for not wanting your mom in your house. Understandable. But you aren't obligated. It also seems like you might have difficulty being direct "no".

From someone who had lots of therapy to say "no" - you can start the conversation politely "what options should we consider for mom's future care?" with your siblings. if they nominate you - politely decline "no, i am not able to do that, her care needs are beyond my ability and will only increase" and do not explain more. Any argument about wanting leisure time, etc will be railroaded by siblings. The explanation is that mom needs more care than you can provide - so the conversation needs to be around where will she get that care - what type of living arrangement. (assisted living, etc)

An arrangement that does not depend on you to spend 24/7 or significant time being hands on. You will have involvement in her care as will your siblings. But you will not be providing the hands on care.

I suggest you meet with your siblings to discuss mom's future needs and how they will be met. You can tell them she has mentioned that THEY have said she should move in with you. You may find that is totally not true...my father and grandmother were fond of saying "They said..." when they wanted something but when you asked for exactly who "THEY" were, no one could not come up with a name.

Tell them right off the bat....you taking her into your home is not an option. None of you will be capable of caring for all her needs and you are smart enough to know hiring help will never be enough...so let's just forget that and move on to other options.

You need to deal with this before she has an 'incident' happen and you have to find placement for her quickly. Often people make a snap decision to take a parent in 'for just a little while' and it ends up permanent. Don't do it. Get ahead of this and start making a plan of action WITH your siblings.

It's hard to say "No" when you are the, perhaps, obvious choice, but you still need to.

I think meeting with your siblings to put the subject of mum's increasing needs and care on the table is a good idea, so the hints can be openly voiced, options discussed and duties shared, as appropriate. I made it clear for years that I would not take my mother into my home. I did agree to be POA financial and medical which is something that needs to be discussed with your mum and sibs. If she is in early dementia she can still appoint a POA. That needs to be done asap.

When mum pressures you about moving to your home, gently answer that you love her and will always see that she is looked after. She is probably sensing her own decline and needs reassurance that her offspring will care for her.

You and your sibs need to discuss and look into suitable facilities, financial resources (medicaid application if there aren't any), and evaluation of your mum's dementia. She needs to have a needs assessment so you know what type of facility she would fit into.

"How can I say no and have them understand that I just don’t want to be tied down to a 93 year old person with dementia just when I can start living my life."

You can say no even if they don't understand. That they understand is not necessary. It would be nice and might help cooperation, but it is not necessary. You say it will not go down well with your sibs. You are not alone. Many here have critical sibs, who, on the other hand will not lift a finger to help. We get a tougher skin, look after ourselves and look after our parent as works for us. Having POA and being a supportive daughter is still a lot of work.

Stay firm, don't explain, state what you are prepared and not prepared to do, don't expect understanding. If you get it great. If not, oh well.

I was POA from a distance - physically and emotionally. Both my mother was and my sister is a handful, to say the least. Mother finally passed in 2018 aged 106 in a nursing home, having been first in assisted living. I was 80 at the time. You are wise to plan for some enjoyment in your retirement. I managed to have some trips and new experiences even though I was POA and aging myself.

Please come back and let us know how you are and how things are going. ((((((hugs))))))

Someone here once said "No is a complete sentence." I never forgot that valuable sentence - use it, too!

No. I can’t possibly take her into my home.