How do I say no?

obviously your siblings have reasons they cannot do it but you have reasons too.

In an Independent Living Facility-- she would not have to lift a finger-- eating downstairs... getting up for breakfast or not. Visitors welcome at meals. A balcony to sit on and listen to the birds. Activities ! And friends galore who sit with you at mealtime and share. Find a close-by independent living and get her a weekend respite. Even better, find one with a connected assisted living with memorycare so if it comes to it, she'll only have to change her mini-apartment to a room in the assisted living wing. Did her husband ever do military service, perhaps she could qualify for the VA Aid and Attendance program-- $1127 a month, enough to pay for a studio apt. JUST--- be assertive and let them all know your boundries.

PLEASE do not let yourself be guilted into this.   When your mother tries to pressure you, just say no, mom you cannot move in with me.  Same to siblings.  At most offer to help her look for a facility and get on a wait list.  Do not feel guilty, they are not willing to do this either.

I would also add, that IME, whatever help your siblings promise you, either in terms of helping you or financial, they will actually do less  They will have issues (everyone does) that means they cannot visit as much, or cannot pay an aid as much.  They will never call you and say, heah, I got an extra bonus, could you use more time with an aid?     Or  my own kid will be at disabled camp, do you want me to come down and help?  Nope, it will ALWAYS be THEY need a break or they need the money.  You will be stuck.  Do not be the patsy.

You really should think long and hard about bringing your mom into your home to live with you.

From my experience, it's all about the money. Siblings want you to take care of your mother 24/7 so that she won't incur the steep costs of care in a facility. Then when your health is absolutely ruined and your mother dies, they will expect that what remaining money your mother has left in her estate be split equally with you but you have done all of the work. You only have one life, dear gentle lady, and you need to remember the lyrics to a song named "It's My Time". Sounds like your mother and your siblings have "Narcissistic Personality Disorder". Get a copy of the book "Don't You Know Who I Am?" at the library and you will realize the number they're trying to do on you. I wish it had been already written when I was doing my care giving.

Dearest momsgoto,
I haven’t read any of the other responses but I need to say this to you. Trust me, after I give you a reality check I’ll give you advise. Your mother gave up a lot to raise 3 children. I hope you are grateful for that. At 93 your mother doesn’t have much time left on this planet. Incontinence and dementia are signs that her body is giving out. I don’t know if she has any other medical issues that may hasten her demise. That’s a reality check. I’m guessing a few months to 2 or so years.

I’m not sure who you are trying to say no to, your mother, your siblings or yourself? You are her children and between the three of you you must find a solution. Little hints and nuances aren’t going to cut here. Be the adults that you are and sit with your siblings and discuss the situation, the options and everyone’s feelings.

The bottom line here is money. Does she have long term care insurance? Can she afford to go into a skilled nursing home? incontinence is very very difficult to deal with if your mom is in denial about it. But if you can’t/won’t take her you best start thinking about options. This is NOT about saying no, it’s about finding a solution. Try on some gratitude, put a warm coat of empathy over it and top it with a big brimmed hat full of love. I know that you will find a solution. Your mom needs you now. Find a way to help her.
with love and light
Sabrina

This us such a hard situation. My mom started signs of dementia about 8 years before she passed...which was 15 months ago. I will miss her forever, but I know she is now without pain, confusion, being scared and is peaceful! I did not know how heavy this weighed on me, till she was gone...and although I miss the mom I knew, my shoulders are lighter.
May I suggest that instead of saying "no"...you kindly explain the necessary care and you want her to be safe. Having dementia is a scary thing and their memory loss backs up. Although my mom didn't forget me or my 3 brothers, she was constantly calling for her Momma. This disease robs its victims of everything. About 1 year before my mom passed, she would choke on eating simple soft foods, every now and then. This is something to be aware of, as in the end she was aspirating her food. She was in the hospital as she started retaining water also, blood pressure was high, O2 was low. Her doctor knew not to resuscitate and we were told she would luve 1 to 4 weeks longer. I immediately called hospice to care for her at her memory care facility after she went back. Unfortunately or maybe fortunately, she passed the next day and never made it back to that unfamiliar place. I did go to see her 3 to 4 times a week...it kept her grounded and the large residential home (8 residents) could learn more about her with me there. The photo album I made really helped also.
Good luck to you. This is so unfair but like everything else, it doesn't last long.

This is a sad and all too common problem. There simply is no "nice" way to say no. I realize they have difficulties and problems but that does not mean that you have to sacrifice your life for someone who is going to be a most impossible situation for you with increasing dementia and physical problems. You must be tough and simply make it the law that she either has a caretaker or she will need to be placed. Once you have her, you will have no life ever again and you will be a prisoner. It is now your time to live. Do it.

Mounting pressure & saying little things... Arrange a group chat with siblings. So what is everyone's thoughts, feelings & expectations on what to do with Mother - once it's not safe for her to live alone.

Sometimes alot of *I wish..* comes out. I wish this or wish that. That's ok. (We all wish not to get old need & help).

After the wishes, then finding out what real options there are. Living with sib 1, 2 & 3 are out so what remains.

If sibs actually go so far as say Mother living with you is THEIR preferred option, kindly remind them that YOU decide YOUR life, not them. Just as they decide their lives.

I'm sure you can have a good chat & make a plan for the future. Remember to ask Mother what are her wishes as well. That may or may not be possible but will help shape the direction - what's important to her the most.

I took my father in for 6 months during 2019. He had surgery for colon cancer in the spring, and later came to stay with us in October, as he was struggling to survive in his home due to health problems and the initial stages of dementia. It was a terrible strain on my marriage. He was finally placed in a senior care apartment in February of 2020. I agree with several of the other posts here, that you need to do what works best for you. Dementia changes the attitude of the person afflicted. Dad became much more sarcastic and was very angry that he lost his driving privileges. At one point in December, he came down with a viral infection that literally knocked him to his knees - he ended up hospitalized for 3 days and had to have breathing treatments. He slid to the floor and I was unable to lift him as he weighs about 190 lbs. Incontinence has been an issue as well. It was so much better when he finally got the apartment. I am 59, and I still see him at least 3 times a week to bring groceries, clean, and arrange entry for home care professionals. This is a part time job. We clashed often when he was staying with me, and it was very stressful. I know many suggested that you stick to your guns without explaining, but perhaps if you share information on dementia and how it progresses with them, as well as how it can alter their personality, that would help? I found that my siblings, who all live far from dad, were at varying degrees of understanding about his condition, and this also affected their analysis of the home options. A sister living in another state suggested using dads money to build on an addition. She was not thinking of future needs, if any, that might require more care. It is VERY hard to have an elder with dementia in your home. Three out of my 4 siblings hung up on me during conversations about events that occurred that were related to my dad, during this time! We still have very good communication, but the care has been such a challenge. My brother is handling the finances, as my parents did stipulate some things in their trust. Good luck - it’s no fun. Will be interested in hearing how it goes for you and Mom.

Just be honest, tell them that physically and mentally you are not prepared to take on such a challenge.  Get in contact with an Elder Attorney and they will help you with your mother's assets, etc to see how best to protect them and when the time comes IF she needs to go into a nursing facility or other care facility how things can be handled.  They are very good at what they do (the Elder Attorney).  We got one for when my father went into a NH.  And I can tell you that if she is showing signs now of dementia, it will only be in time when it will get rough and not everyone can take on this challenge.  Do NOT feel guilty and don't let them make you feel guilty that you can and do not want to take her into your home.  NOT everyone can do it.  AND IF they get upset with you, well so be it.........better upset with you than you taking on a challenge that will only get harder physically but also mentally as time goes on.......then what.......it will create health issues for you.  It's time to be a little selfish for yourself.  Best of luck.

I just want to say please be careful with your decision. Something needs to be arranged for your mum but you must think of yourself too. I took my mum in three and a half years ago and it has completely ruined my mental and physical health. I am early sixties and was in good health but now I can't see me making it to my late sixties and having a life of my own. My daughter says that since I had my mum move in with me she has lost hers!! She is now 94 and in poor health but I know she will be here for a long time yet. Please think very carefully. I will Never Ever expect my children to look after me and I don't want them to as I don't ever want them to feel as unhappy as me!!!

My next birthday I will be 70 and I had a TMI about a year ago. My daughter called and wanted me to put her step dad in an institution, sell our home, put in an elevator at her residence, remodel the English Basement and I said "no." She didn't hear my "no" and even went a few days getting estimates. Very nicely, I said "no" we're good here but thank you.

In her heart she wanted to do what she felt was right and I knew that. I don't want to live with her. If I get to a point I need to move, I trust I will have my wits about me to do so. You are saving everyone from getting weary and exhausted. Look brightly up, you have so many options - just don't do like some and put their parents away and then never look back. You will have a rich relationship by making sure your Mom is somewhere where she can live happily.

Just say NO. Mean it. Do NOT take her in. You don't want to and you're entitled to NOT do it. Your siblings don't want to do it so they "should" understand. If they don't that's OK too.

Do NOT let anyone guilt you into taking care of her. It will be worse than you think it will be.