My mother has always been a control freak but I am now 60 and I’m exhausted from it and I have a lot of resentment of the control she had over me that I couldn’t break away from due to being guilted by her, my father passed away 3 yrs ago and asked me to care for my mother she is 91 and her control issues are horrific and now unbearable I am a nervous wreck and hate my life but feel quilty that she is 91 and would be alone without me, my husband and I sold our farm and moved in to care for her and she is angry because we are taking a vacation without her, my husband and I both want to move out but again I feel guilty, my depression has worsened as well as my anxiety and I resent her for the way she has always treated me she has an anger and aggression problem and has hit me and threatens to hit me often this is not new she has always used her power and abuse to control me and my sisters, they have walked away, and I have always feared her I want out but I’m afraid to leave her. What can I do before I lose myself and my marriage?
Get your life back .
Mom is 91 but she doesn’t get to control you . She had a good run, don’t feel obligated to care for your abuser .
Once you move out , Call APS to deal with Mom if she can’t care for herself .
Could she yell at you? Yeah, but you're not there. Could she hit you? No. Threaten to hit you? Yes, but you're not there. Could she tell you you're a bad person? Sure, but you're not there. You've removed yourself.
The only thing holding you there is you yourself. She must be one brilliant abuser, top of the crop, to have instilled so much guilt in you that you - and your husband - CANNOT leave. Also, being alone is not a horrible thing. Lots of 91-year-old people are alone. I'm alone, with my husband in a care facility. I may be alone the rest of my life, and that's okay. Most of us will have to face that reality at some time in life.
Mom will not shrivel up and die if she is left alone. (Unfortunately.) If she needs something to be mean to, get her a punching bag. Put your picture on it. Then leave, block her phone, and never go back. It is doable. People do it all the time. It's called self-preservation. And if she ever hits you again, call 911 and have the police take her away. Assault is a crime, not a love language.
I'm so very sorry you're in this situation. I understand that it must be hell for you. Only you can set yourself free, and I hope you will do that.
Being held prisoner by your mother is a big mistake. Go on vacation, relax, and then release yourself from this self created hell by moving out.
Best of luck to you.
If you can't just say enough is enough and you keep a civil tongue in your head and your hands to yourself or we are outta here, I don't know what you can do.
You allow her to be abusive, both verbally and physically, I bet she abuses you emotionally too.
You don't need her, she needs you.
You have no obligation to "take care" of her beyond calling the authorities and reporting a vulnerable elderly person living alone, of course you have to get fed up for that to be the reality.
Can you tell me what would be too much for you? What would make you done with her abusive, lifelong treatment of you? When you figure that out, maybe you will finally be done and can get her the help she needs and you can go back to having your life.
What are you waiting for....a mental breakdown? Sounds like you're well on your way to one if you don't do something now.
A child that has been abused in any way by a parent should NEVER...as in NEVER take on that parents care...EVER.
And why you thought that selling your farm and moving in with a woman who abused you all your life is beyond me, and tells me that you are in great need of some really good therapy.
So go on your vacation without your evil mom and let her know that when you get back that you will be moving out and that she will either have to hire in-home help for herself or be placed in the appropriate facility, both using her own money.
And if money is an issue she'll have to apply for Medicaid.
And don't look back! You and your husband deserve a life of peace, and that is my wish for you.
If this is the case you really need now to seek professional help with a good "COGNITIVE" therapist. Be certain not to go to a therapist who specialized in "talk therapy" because after all these years I suspect you may have talked this out.
You are an adult. Definitely old enough to know you cannot change other people. But changing yourself with the help of a cognitive therapist can be quick work. It is a matter of giving up habits, habitual ways of self-talking, self-harming, poor choices. It is a matter of TAKING CONTROL of your own life and your own reactions.
Whether we understand it or not, even when suffering we often CHOOSE to stay mired in mud, even though it is paralyzing our lives. We make this choice because change is a thing fraught with fear and unease. So give yourself a pat on the back when you choose to work with a good FEMALE COGNITIVE THERAPIST.
Your sisters have taken the lead why not consider following them. You are allowing your mother to walk all over you and control your life.
You have our permission to move out. Even a small apartment or camper with your husband would be better than where you are now.
Prioritize your marriage. Make it number #1.
If she is hitting you that is physical abuse. No woman should put up with physical abuse. Move out ASAP.
I'd call your local battered woman's shelter and see if you can get some free counseling.
Let her scream, cry and threaten to cut you out of her will if there is one.
Stop letting the ninety one year old tyrant dictate how to live your life.
People need to understand that you don't want to spend every waking moment catering to an old person. You need a social life and hobbies aside from caregiving.
You said your depression is getting worse but you keep ignoring your body's cues to stay trauma bonded to this situation.
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