Honestly - I hope this doesn't sound rude or uncaring. I'm sure this is a huge shock to your system after 40 years of caregiving (and being taken advantage of by your entire family it sounds like) But this is actually advantageous to you and you need to take a deep break and take a step back.
1. Yes, I'm sure she was having dinner alone. The vast majority of people almost never go into a Skilled Nursing Facility and jump right into the activities and community. She has to get used to it and find her place.
2. FORTY YEARS. Joan, FORTY! You said you are almost 70. So you aren't actually even 70 yet. You were around 30 when you started caring for your mom. That is only FIVE years older than my oldest daughter. She hasn't even finished her entire college program (BA/Master program) yet. She hasn't even begun to really live her life yet. You have spent the vast majority of your adult life caring for your mother. In that time you got married. We know that. Did you get to have children? Travel? We know you didn't get to move anywhere else. Were you able to work outside of the home? Did your husband feel as if he and your marriage got the time and attention deserved? I'm just confused.
3. Why did your mother need to be taken care of? You said your father passed when he was 54. I'm assuming that your mother was roughly the same age. Was she ill (physically or mentally)? Or was she just not very independent and fragile and both you and she thought she needed someone to take care of her after your father died and that became your job? You'll have to forgive me- my dad passed away 5 years ago - my mom was 70. She has since gone on to travel, very briefly before becoming her own mother's (95) caregiver. I'll never forget my younger brother actually saying something like "I'm the man of the family now, I'm in charge" and my mom rolling her eyes and saying "This is my house little boy (while looking UP at him) and no one is going to tell me what to do in my house. I have been taking care of myself and your dad for years and I don't need you or any other MAN telling me what I'm going to do with my life from now on, got it? You may be the standing MAN of the family, but I'M in charge!"
4. Maybe look at this like a blessing. YOU need a chance to have a life. While I know you are upset about the way it occurred, and the rest of the situation, maybe it is time that you are off the hook for her care and it is time that she have round the clock care.
5. Take this time to reinvest in your marriage. Your husband was clearly incredibly upset by the cancellation of the cruise - and I don't blame him one bit. All due respect - I don't get that one. You didn't trust anyone else to take care of your mom the way that you do. And as a result you punished your husband and threw away $2,000. And the stress has clearly been mounting - because it all basically resulted in a nervous breakdown.
6. Time to reinvest in YOU! Your life is telling you it is time to step back. Your stress levels are through the roof. Perfect approach or not, your brother and sister have offered you an option to focus on yourself for once.
Is your mother telling you that she is unhappy? Scared? Wants to go home? Or are YOU the one that is upset with the situation?
Ok I really appreciate the answers and you are right I should have gone on trip! I was trying to keep anyone else from having to do all I was doing. I’m very glad mom is at least in a hopefully nice facility and getting the care she needs. Tonight after they moved mom I got a text from my brother who finally told me that they had moved mom and where she was. Then he announced he was turning off his phone because he didn’t want my nasty reply!!! at least I am glad mom is getting the care she needed. I have tried to take the high road with my brothers and sisters not responding to what they have called me but try to explain the reasons behind it. All they told me is I need professional help. I called the nursing home and was told my mother was having her dinner alone. So they just dumped her there and left her! It’s so sad it has come to this thank you everyone for your answers. I’m very concerned
Maybe they "dumped her there and left her" because that's what they were advised to do. Hanging around isn't always advised, since the elder needs to get used to the protocols and schedule of the new place. Having dinner alone isn't a horrible bad awful terrible thing. Does she (or anyone else in the world) really needs someone to sit across from her and watch her chew and swallow? Um, no.
You have sacrificed enough for your mother. Why are you so concerned about her? She's lived her life, you've been a dutiful daughter, you've done your best. Be concerned about yourself, your husband, your marriage. You're lucky to have all that. If you ever lose the husband and the marriage, you'll regret all the time you spent obsessing about everything else.
Start thinking about all that you sacrificed for mom. Wrap it up and put it on a shelf in the back part of your mind. Then go out and find something fun to do with your husband, even if it's just a neighborhood walk. Maybe you'll discover that you still have something in common. Maybe you'll learn that you love him more than mom.
Don’t know how to respond to activity on my page but would like to respond to questions asked yes I am almost 70. My dad passed away when he a only 54 Mom has been widowed since 1984. I the oldest and my husband and I basically took care of moms house. When she couldn’t do stairs we moved her to a condo. She has lived there almost 8 years. My husband took care of all maintenance inside the home. A few weeks ago I cancelled our trip w had been planning for 3 years a cruise to Japan. I felt my sister would not be able to handle mom for that period of being gone. My husband was vey upset over this and we had many arguments on this. We lost over $2000 by canceling. My husband thought my mom should pay for what we loss. First mom said she would then denied she said it. One night I had a mental breakdown. I was crying hysterically from all the conflict and I just lost it. In an attempt to calm me my husband called my mom at 3 am. She talked with me but I don’t remember what she said. My brother called this abuse. My brother also said we were blackmailing mom for the money. My husband was determined mom should pay this amount after all he has done for her when my brothers had not done anything. Mom said he should have done this because he’s family. My husband will not talk to my family. My brother said no one in the family wants to talk with me. I was completely burned out if caregiving. My mom wanted me over there 24/7. Were we wrong to ask for compensation to stay home and take care of he? Now I found out that mom has agreed to move to a nursing home but not one of my siblings has called me to let me know where she is going. i went to see a counselor who told me that my brother is manipulative and trying to get me to continue care for mom. She said I should wait til mom called me. It has been 2 weeks and I have had little communication with my mom and none at all with sister or brothers. And now I find out she is moving to nursing home tomorrow. What do I do?
1. Yes, I'm sure she was having dinner alone. The vast majority of people almost never go into a Skilled Nursing Facility and jump right into the activities and community. She has to get used to it and find her place.
2. FORTY YEARS. Joan, FORTY! You said you are almost 70. So you aren't actually even 70 yet. You were around 30 when you started caring for your mom. That is only FIVE years older than my oldest daughter. She hasn't even finished her entire college program (BA/Master program) yet. She hasn't even begun to really live her life yet. You have spent the vast majority of your adult life caring for your mother. In that time you got married. We know that. Did you get to have children? Travel? We know you didn't get to move anywhere else. Were you able to work outside of the home? Did your husband feel as if he and your marriage got the time and attention deserved? I'm just confused.
3. Why did your mother need to be taken care of? You said your father passed when he was 54. I'm assuming that your mother was roughly the same age. Was she ill (physically or mentally)? Or was she just not very independent and fragile and both you and she thought she needed someone to take care of her after your father died and that became your job? You'll have to forgive me- my dad passed away 5 years ago - my mom was 70. She has since gone on to travel, very briefly before becoming her own mother's (95) caregiver. I'll never forget my younger brother actually saying something like "I'm the man of the family now, I'm in charge" and my mom rolling her eyes and saying "This is my house little boy (while looking UP at him) and no one is going to tell me what to do in my house. I have been taking care of myself and your dad for years and I don't need you or any other MAN telling me what I'm going to do with my life from now on, got it? You may be the standing MAN of the family, but I'M in charge!"
4. Maybe look at this like a blessing. YOU need a chance to have a life. While I know you are upset about the way it occurred, and the rest of the situation, maybe it is time that you are off the hook for her care and it is time that she have round the clock care.
5. Take this time to reinvest in your marriage. Your husband was clearly incredibly upset by the cancellation of the cruise - and I don't blame him one bit. All due respect - I don't get that one. You didn't trust anyone else to take care of your mom the way that you do. And as a result you punished your husband and threw away $2,000. And the stress has clearly been mounting - because it all basically resulted in a nervous breakdown.
6. Time to reinvest in YOU! Your life is telling you it is time to step back. Your stress levels are through the roof. Perfect approach or not, your brother and sister have offered you an option to focus on yourself for once.
Is your mother telling you that she is unhappy? Scared? Wants to go home? Or are YOU the one that is upset with the situation?
at least I am glad mom is getting the care she needed. I have tried to take the high road with my brothers and sisters not responding to what they have called me but try to explain the reasons behind it. All they told me is I need professional help. I called the nursing home and was told my mother was having her dinner alone. So they just dumped her there and left her! It’s so sad it has come to this
thank you everyone for your answers. I’m very concerned
You have sacrificed enough for your mother. Why are you so concerned about her? She's lived her life, you've been a dutiful daughter, you've done your best. Be concerned about yourself, your husband, your marriage. You're lucky to have all that. If you ever lose the husband and the marriage, you'll regret all the time you spent obsessing about everything else.
Start thinking about all that you sacrificed for mom. Wrap it up and put it on a shelf in the back part of your mind. Then go out and find something fun to do with your husband, even if it's just a neighborhood walk. Maybe you'll discover that you still have something in common. Maybe you'll learn that you love him more than mom.
That would be wonderful.
It sounds like there are a lot of assumptions in your family. That if mom needed care, it should be provided, free of charge by you.
That you should plan your life around your mother's needs, with no regard to your own or your husband's.
AND that if your sister couldn't "handle" Mom, that the only choice was to cancel your trip.
Why can't mom hire help?
Why weren't you being paid to do all the caregiver duties?
What level of care is mom officially assessed as needing?
Being widowed doesn’t equal "needs care", especially at such a young age. Wasn't your mother still working at age 54?
yes I am almost 70. My dad passed away when he a only 54 Mom has been widowed since 1984. I the oldest and my husband and I basically took care of moms house. When she couldn’t do stairs we moved her to a condo. She has lived there almost 8 years. My husband took care of all maintenance inside the home. A few weeks ago I cancelled our trip w had been planning for 3 years a cruise to Japan. I felt my sister would not be able to handle mom for that period of being gone. My husband was vey upset over this and we had many arguments on this. We lost over $2000 by canceling. My husband thought my mom should pay for what we loss. First mom said she would then denied she said it. One night I had a mental breakdown. I was crying hysterically from all the conflict and I just lost it. In an attempt to calm me my husband called my mom at 3 am. She talked with me but I don’t remember what she said. My brother called this abuse. My brother also said we were blackmailing mom for the money. My husband was determined mom should pay this amount after all he has done for her when my brothers had not done anything. Mom said he should have done this because he’s family. My husband will not talk to my family. My brother said no one in the family wants to talk with me. I was completely burned out if caregiving. My mom wanted me over there 24/7.
Were we wrong to ask for compensation to stay home and take care of he?
Now I found out that mom has agreed to move to a nursing home but not one of my siblings has called me to let me know where she is going.
i went to see a counselor who told me that my brother is manipulative and trying to get me to continue care for mom. She said I should wait til mom called me. It has been 2 weeks and I have had little communication with my mom and none at all with sister or brothers. And now I find out she is moving to nursing home tomorrow. What do I do?
Welcome back, TJ!
You can click on the big blue 'T' next to your name at the top of your post and the click "activity" to find your posts.
Then you can reply to each poster or just type replies into the white box and it will appear as the next answer in your original post.