My Dh has been through a wringer, healthwise for the last 14 years. I have been the chief cook, bottle washer and in house nurse for him, w/o regard for what it was doing for me.
He complained to our kids that I was being lazy (he slept all day long, everyday and I still had to chart him and his meds)--and I was so tired, I'd lay on the LR couch for a little respite. How DARE I???
He's had 5 major 'incidents' that have put him in bed for weeks at a time. He has never acknowledged that I was there for him, 24/7. Never.
I had cancer last year and he chose to spend most of the year traveling. He would be gone 2 weeks and never call nor text me to see if I was doing OK. I was 100% alone. My sweet neighbor brought me meals 3 times a week, and that honestly is what kept me going. Chemotherapy is so brutal--besides the total shutdown of your immune system--there are SO many side effects. I wanted to quit and just let the cancer get me.
He had a man cold over Christmas and I fussed him to no end. At the end of the cold (11 days in bed) I said to him "THIS is what caregiving is about. Just chew on that". He did admit to a friend, not to me, that the cancer had terrified him and he just "couldn't".
He's never going to change, never. When he's sick the world revolves around him. I've thought of divorce, many, many times, but have never followed up. I know he knows I think about it frequently. We are moving next year to a 'retirement style' house--and I seriously think well get a duplex that he can live in one side of and I can live in the other. If we want to get together, we can, but I will cease to clean, cook and fuss him any more.
I had a father like this. He went on disability at 52. My Mom did everything for him. At 77 she asked when she would be able to retire. He told her never and meant it. I did not marry a man like my Dad.
OK, in my opinion a 56 year old man with cancer does not get a free pass like an 86 year old with dementia, anyone who is intentionally being hurtful and abusive doesn't deserve your care or strength. Maybe some respite - a week or two? - is needed for you, which might be an overdue wake up call for him.
Are you certain DHs shortcomings are intentional and purposely meant to hurt you? If so, why do you think he's behaving in this fashion? Is it because his mood has turned foul due to the cancer, do you think? Or is there a possibility his brain has been altered due to dementia or a small stroke or something like that? If there is a medical answer for his behavior, that would be one thing. But if you feel that he's intentionally driving you mad, then you should think about how to get help in the home from caregivers to free YOU up for personal time. Get out of the house; meet with friends; get your hair done; go shopping; take a yoga class to learn how to relax, meditate and shut OUT the outside world. Because YOU matter too, not just DH because he's sick. He will wind up making you sick, too, and that won't be a good thing. Sometimes love isn't enough. Sometimes we have to think about what is required to have a life OURSELVES in addition to caregiving the one we love.
Make a list of what you can do to help YOU. Okay?
Wishing you the best of luck & sending you a big hug, too
This morning, I took my eyes off my dH thinking he was getting ready for work, on schedule. He locked himself in the bathroom to hide that he was installing the toilet paper holder in a new way, making holes in the vanity cabinet, end result, TP is installed hole side up, not left to right, looks awful!
He was headed for being late for work when I discovered he was not getting ready. And he just cannot stop to get ready. OCD or something, not his fault I hope, it is his condition. If he were just deceitful, I would leave.
Boundaries and experience have taught me that I cannot go rushing down the road driving him to work, after pushing him to get ready faster, step by step. He was told to call Uber, and was barely ready for that. The hardest thing is not to 'rescue' him and to maintain my own boundaries.
I came here to calm down. If I did not have AC I would have had to put a pillow over my face and scream! I think it is a New Moon.
In my most recent experience with caregiving, I was subjected to treatment (not by the loved one for whom I was caring), that caused me to question my own value as a human being. That situation was MUCH WORSE than any of the many complicated aspects of caring for the loved one for whom the accuser and I were caring. I spent many painful and useless hours reviewing times when I had shared a loving, positive relationship with my accuser, and also in the many attempts in which a callous disregard of our LO was revealed. At present, I have total care of our LO, and even though her residence is a good local AL, there is a lot to do. I have been able to shift my thinking to the satisfaction of knowing that I do what needs to be done, and ignore whatever conduct erupts. Granted, addressing the needs of a Life Mate in similar circumstances has its own intense difficulties, but in many situations circling around ANY caregiving, DETACHMENT, mentally, emotionally, physically, even very briefly, is very often both a good tool and a potential comfort.
He has cancer. He is living at home. You are his primary caregiver.
What's his prognosis? Who else is involved in his care? - health care professionals, family, friends, support networks, e.g. Are there any decisions to be made about which you might feel conflicted?
If past injuries are impacting on your ability to provide your husband with the care he needs, there is a problem that must be solved as soon as possible. It may be that it can't be solved simply by your thinking "I must do better." It may be that you will have to hand his care over to other people, such as hospice providers. You can love somebody very much indeed and still recognise that his situation demands too much of you, you know.
Care-giving for anyone is a massive undertaking. When your relationship with the person you are caring for is not the best, it can be nearly impossible. Resentment can build, you can become stressed and your own health can suffer. Your hashtags indicate that you are suffering from burnout. There is no magic formula to get a person through a situation like this. At some point, you must decide if other options for care need to be considered. You may have promised, at some point, to be there for your husband “no matter what” and never ask for help, and while that is noble on your part, it can become impossible. You need help if you don’t already have it and more help if you already do. Consider Hospice or home health care to give you a break.
He complained to our kids that I was being lazy (he slept all day long, everyday and I still had to chart him and his meds)--and I was so tired, I'd lay on the LR couch for a little respite. How DARE I???
He's had 5 major 'incidents' that have put him in bed for weeks at a time. He has never acknowledged that I was there for him, 24/7. Never.
I had cancer last year and he chose to spend most of the year traveling. He would be gone 2 weeks and never call nor text me to see if I was doing OK. I was 100% alone. My sweet neighbor brought me meals 3 times a week, and that honestly is what kept me going. Chemotherapy is so brutal--besides the total shutdown of your immune system--there are SO many side effects. I wanted to quit and just let the cancer get me.
He had a man cold over Christmas and I fussed him to no end. At the end of the cold (11 days in bed) I said to him "THIS is what caregiving is about. Just chew on that". He did admit to a friend, not to me, that the cancer had terrified him and he just "couldn't".
He's never going to change, never. When he's sick the world revolves around him. I've thought of divorce, many, many times, but have never followed up. I know he knows I think about it frequently. We are moving next year to a 'retirement style' house--and I seriously think well get a duplex that he can live in one side of and I can live in the other. If we want to get together, we can, but I will cease to clean, cook and fuss him any more.
Make a list of what you can do to help YOU. Okay?
Wishing you the best of luck & sending you a big hug, too
There will be times, worse than others.
This morning, I took my eyes off my dH thinking he was getting ready for work, on schedule. He locked himself in the bathroom to hide that he was installing the toilet paper holder in a new way, making holes in the vanity cabinet, end result, TP is installed hole side up, not left to right, looks awful!
He was headed for being late for work when I discovered he was not getting ready. And he just cannot stop to get ready. OCD or something, not his fault I hope, it is his condition. If he were just deceitful, I would leave.
Boundaries and experience have taught me that I cannot go rushing down the road driving him to work, after pushing him to get ready faster, step by step. He was told to call Uber, and was barely ready for that. The hardest thing is not to 'rescue' him and to maintain my own boundaries.
I came here to calm down. If I did not have AC I would have had to put a pillow over my face and scream! I think it is a New Moon.
That situation was MUCH WORSE than any of the many complicated aspects of caring for the loved one for whom the accuser and I were caring.
I spent many painful and useless hours reviewing times when I had shared a loving, positive relationship with my accuser, and also in the many attempts in which a callous disregard of our LO was revealed.
At present, I have total care of our LO, and even though her residence is a good local AL, there is a lot to do.
I have been able to shift my thinking to the satisfaction of knowing that I do what needs to be done, and ignore whatever conduct erupts.
Granted, addressing the needs of a Life Mate in similar circumstances has its own intense difficulties, but in many situations circling around ANY caregiving, DETACHMENT, mentally, emotionally, physically, even very briefly, is very often both a good tool and a potential comfort.
He has cancer. He is living at home. You are his primary caregiver.
What's his prognosis?
Who else is involved in his care? - health care professionals, family, friends, support networks, e.g.
Are there any decisions to be made about which you might feel conflicted?
If past injuries are impacting on your ability to provide your husband with the care he needs, there is a problem that must be solved as soon as possible. It may be that it can't be solved simply by your thinking "I must do better." It may be that you will have to hand his care over to other people, such as hospice providers. You can love somebody very much indeed and still recognise that his situation demands too much of you, you know.
What do you think about all this?