How do I not tell my loved one about her financial situation while living in AL?

Does she have dementia or cognitive issues? Dad had dementia and was in MC (memory care). He obsessed about the cost and his finances. Early on I would show him one bank statement, and he would just sit and hold it for awhile, because he couldn't understand it any longer. When asked about the cost of MC, I told him the VA was helping substantially (not true, but it satisfied him). My dad was too tight with money to have agreed to pay it all out of pocket, though he could def afford it.

She has some cognitive issues, most definitely, which is why she is living in AL. Up until now, I have been able to say "you told me to take care of all of the financial stuff" and that has satisfied her. The guy at her investment company told me that the last time she was there (a few years ago), he could tell she was a bit lost. She has always been very responsible about money, and a control freak about every aspect of her life. It's hard for her to lose this autonomy. I know that she really can't handle anything about the finances, though, and that she would freak out if she knew how much it really cost. I just want to have her forget about this, but I suspect that she might start obsessing.

Sounds like Dad. He even tried asking other residents how much they were paying -- and many of them couldn't tell you what they ate for lunch at 2:00 p.m.! Eventually he stopped obsessing about it, but the next thing was that the other residents were plotting an investment scheme and wouldn't let him in on it. Or that the building was being expanded, and there was money to be made, but again they wouldn't let him in on it. And afraid to eat, bc he didn't have any money to pay -- thought it was a restaurant. Mostly, I would just listen and try to redirect his attention to something else. The staff was very good with him, though his voice was very soft, and sometimes they couldn't hear him trying to voice concerns, and he would forget to push his pendant button.

Can you show her a spreadsheet or set of books that shows what she wants to see? A therapeutic fib?

Would she recognize the date if you showed her an old statement?

Mmmm...

Can you show her a summary?
Could you show her her investment portfolio?

Then, when she says oh goodee that'll get me a Bugatti and a couple of Daimlers you can hand her What Car and Classic Car and Formula One Today and tell her this needs careful research, it's not an impulse buy.

I sympathise with your anxieties. I certainly wouldn't show her the ALF statements without carefully matching them to gains in her investments. But... you do have an obligation here, as you recognise. It's her money she wants to know about, her jewellery she wants to see - you couldn't let her stroke it and then return it lickety-spit to safekeeping? - and most of all her habit to be orderly, and these are things you should try to assist as far as possible.

Keep a solemn face and give her genuinely as much data as you think she can handle. Bit of luck she'll get tired and be glad to give it up.

If you prepare a spreadsheet, also do a comparison. Show her the cost of home care versus the facility. Don't forget the costs associated with home maintenance, taxes, insurance, etc... And remember the doc said she needed 24/7 care. 😉 This would hopefully show her that you are responsible with her funds at choosing the least costly option.

"I'm working on getting that Mom"... redirect and ask how lunch was...

Sounds JUST LIKE my father. He has been obsessed with money his entire life. Most likely because he grew up very very poor and worked hard to earn the money he had left - which is not alot. He is so proud that when he dies he would have some to give to his 4 kids. This is important to him.  Well, after 2 years in MC, there isn't a lot left. Money causes stress & anxiety in my father so I use the ol' 'doctors orders' NOT to discuss finances and remind him that he trusted me to be his POA. I say the same thing all the time... 2 years later - once in a while, he will call and ask what his bank balance is. My reply is 'Your money is fine. With VA benefits and SS it helps tremendously with the cost of living in MC (not even close!) and as I know money causes you anxiety Dad, balances are not important. You did good Dad - worked hard for your family, wife and 4 kids and you should be proud'. He has such a fear of dying poor... :-( I was SO tempted to falsify bank statements and such but you don't want to start something you will need to keep up with. Best to nip it now and continue to sooth and say the same each time and yes, redirect when you can. Good luck and God bless.  

Both my folks are in AL, dad with moderate dementia, often confused about where he is, and mom with mild dementia. They are still adjusting but doing ok I think.

I recommend fibbing as much as you can get away with. I keep assuring them that the house is fine, I’m taking care of it (meeting with a realtor this week) and they have plenty of savings. (Enough for maybe 3 to 4 years at this place)

I also tell them their pensions, soc sec and insurance cover the cost of AL. (Actually, less than half). This is working for me so far.

Dad does have periods of agitation, tries to find his car and go get his money I took from him, but the staff redirects him and 5 minutes later....Never happened.

Wow, all of our parents must be related somehow.
My mom went to AL 3 months ago. She has some dementia and has asked, "Now, am I paying to live here?" The first time she asked how much, and I told her the truth, I thought she was going to insist on going back to her condo.
The next time she asked, I lied, and reduced the cost significantly. She still thinks it's a lot and asks if she still has money to cover everything (she does). I have not forwarded her mail because 1.) she can't do anything with it anyway and 2.) I don't want her bank statements lying around. I trust the employees, but you just never know.
With dementia, I think little lies can be overlooked. It's makes everything less stressful for everyone, and that's the whole purpose of AL.
Can you say, "Oh, I forgot them at home. I'll try to remember next time"? Then can you "forget" each time?

I guess I am lucky that my spouse thinks he is 17 and given free food etc. He would leave immediately if he thought our savings were spent on his care! To all of you who are exhausted and stressed please take care of yourself. Unless others have gone thru this they have no idea of the emotional, financial, and stress caregivers suffer. Hang in there.

One more thing. Do not leave valuable jewelry with patients at any Assisted Living or similar facility. Most staff people are honest, but it only takes one bad apple, and it happens far more than most people realize - then it's too late. Give the patient some costume jewelry instead.

They all seem to get fixated on money and toilet habits. My Mom would ask for spending money. I would tell her she didn't need any since everything was provided for her at the AL. She too felt that she had to pay for her dinners. Every time she said "we need to have a talk" I knew we'd be talking about money. She would say she needed money to give another resident for something. I would say that they all have what they need. None of what I said was good. My daughter, RN working rehab/NHs, said to tell her I had no money on me but would go to the bank the next day and gets some. Mom never remembered anyway but solved the problem at the moment. Maybe you can do that with ur Mom. Tell her it will take a while to get it all together but will bring it to her when u do. From that point you can say you haven't had time, came right from work, left it on the table, etc. Eventually, they don't ask.

Valuables, tell her the AL does not recommend it. Or, not a good idea Mom, may lose it. No AL can guarantee that there won't be a theft. It could be a resident or staff member. Hopefully background checks are done but...you never know. If you do allow some pieces, take a picture but I don't recommend anything that is worth anything. This includes Nick snacks that could be broken.

When she asks about jewelry being brought to her, tell her it is a safety deposit box - she probably just wants to make sure it is still there - I keep my mom's in ziplock bags with numbers on in the safety deposit box - you might get away with just talking pix & showing her - by putting them with the numbers on you show that you are taking care of her possessions & keeping them accounted too - beside number I have a small discription like 'mom's wedding ring' or 'gold ring with 2 pearls' - this validates her possessions but don't let her keep anything of value

As to finances, either bring in so much that it will overwhelm her or say there are a lot of files so you can only bring so much at a time so what does she want first - take a pix & print it off - then when she asks again show the pix on your cell phone to show 'she just did it' & that it is a lot of work for you to bring it all the time

As I read it - this is mainly a cry of 'am I safe?' not that she really wants to know exact figures - I always say same thing ' you have over $185,000.00 & that's enough until you are 119 years old then we'll have to find some other money' - as I use those same numbers all the time I think it rings a bell somewhere in her brain = the truth - she usually laughs & says she won't live that long - hope this helps & good luck

My mom wanted to see her financial statements to the point of hysteria. So now we give her a monthly bank statement. It has helped her. Now she's just mad, not hysterical. It's all about the cost of the AL.

my mom is always asking about her money. she lives with me so i take care of that part, my sister handles the money. we do not share the complete truth.... she still pays heat and insurance on her home, she will not even considering selling it so if it makes her happy so be it. i think alot of their obession comes from growing up and living through the depression

Funny OnlyChildCarer!! I have several times asked if a person posting a comment is my long-lost-never-had-a-sister! Yes, I think we are all related!!

As to the questions - most definitely try to fluff her off. Forgot it, have to compile it, the dog ate it... whatever works to pass it off for the moment. Even if you do show her the real numbers or phony ones, what's to say 5 minutes or 5 hours later she won't ask again, having forgotten she saw them?

A few times when I was there around dinner time our mom was worried that she had no money to pay for dinner... The aides and I assured her it was already covered - didn't even matter by what, just so long as she understood that she did not need money. She also asked, before and after we moved her (she did NOT go willingly), what the cost was, and like some others I pushed the VA thing until at some point she thought it was a VA place (we have not even finished the paperwork to get any assistance). After a lunch visit, we went to her room and she told my daughter it "wasn't bad" AND stated "it's FREE"! Eventually they will forget. There is no harm in little white lies as they are not done to hurt the person, but rather to soothe. Redirection can sometimes help too.

As for the car desire - does she still have a license? Mom's expired (we had already removed the car to protect others!) but I let her keep it as ID. When we go to appointments, she rifles through her purse and wallet and at some point looking at it she noted that it expired. If your mom still has hers and it is expired, show it to her and explain even if she had a car it is not legal for her to drive it, then change the subject...

Mom's been in AL for over two and a half years. Then, sometime starting several months ago, when a caregiver would come into her room -- dropping off laundry or cleaning her unit -- Mom would start to look for her purse and whisper, "How much should I tip?" I had to explain several times, "No tipping necessary at this place...it's all included." Weird, those kinds of thoughts occurring to her after living there so long.

We did eventually have to hide her purse. When she first moved, we let her have a little cash on hand, because she always liked to treat if one of us took her to lunch. Over time, however, we realized she had absolutely no need for any cash. Still, somehow, a couple of hundred dollars kind of disappeared over time. So, it goes without saying that she has no valuable personal possessions there. The staff all seem wonderful, but who knows? Plus, Mom's memory is so bad, she has no idea what happens to her or who she interacts with on a day-to-day basis.

Do not show her anything in regard to her financial situation. A lot of elders are way off target when they think of what something may cost. Even 10 years prior to my late mother's death at the age of 94, she would say "Here's is $14 to get my grocery order." She was thinking in 1950s mindset. She didn't realize that her entire grocery bill would be more along the lines of $74. An Assisted Living eats up monies VERY quickly.

As I read these posts I so wish my dad would forget, he has a mathematical mind, can't remember what he had for breakfast but knows that such and such should be paid off in February, leaving him an extra $$ to build his stash, won't pay for anything as I have to make sure I have enough for my future plans. I just say okay and take it out of the cash I keep for him, he does keep cash at AL, likes to go to corner store and have coffee. God Bless all of you caregivers.