To begin with, I LOVE my mil dearly. We rotate caregiving duties so no one person has to do it all. She has someone with her 24/7. I don’t want to but I feel like I’m at a point where I could easily build a resentment toward her and this makes me sad. So I’m here to try and talk it out but also get advice. Duties only fall on us 1 or 2 weekends Friday-Monday a month. The other siblings each take a weekend. Then there is a paid caregiver during the daytime on weekdays and one siblings spends the night Monday-Thursday. That sibling -we do our best to convince not to take a weekend. All this because she wants to stay in her own home. Where the rub for me is mom doesn’t seem to appreciate what everyone is doing for her. She voices her displeasure of the sibling that spends the nights. She cannot put herself to bed or get up on her own. She does have some mobility as she uses a walker but needs assistance with that and going to the bathroom. But she simply gets up, goes to the bathroom, goes to the living room sits in her chair. Her coffee, food, drink etc is brought to her and she repeats the bathroom visits and then goes to bed. She is take out or we try to get her out but she just simply wants to sit in her chair……sounds petty but like a queen. Serve me serve me. Help! I hate feeling this way and I care for her gingerly when it’s our weekend. But I hate it for the others too! It just seems like she is selfish and wants everyone to drop their lives and entertainment her rather than her being willing to go to one of our homes on our weekends. I know I sound petty. But like I said I needed a safe place to vent.
You may find that others in the family are having the same reaction as you are, but are also hesitant to bring it up. So you may have support you're not aware of.
How far is MIL's house from you, and from the other siblings?
I think you need to start with your husband. Tell him that it is not working for you to have your whole weekend consumed by your MIL (however often this happens, in the rotation.) Start by reducing the time YOU spend at MIL's house. Your husband can go by himself on Friday and you'll join him Saturday night and during the day Sunday. Or you'll assist him by staying over on the nights, but you'll go back to your home and life during the daytime. Or you'll help for a certain time period during the days, but you'll sleep in your own home and have part of your days to yourself. You can even vary the plan each time the weekend comes up -- but just make the stand that you will not give up the full weekend.
Maybe your husband will see that this is not sustainable and will talk with his siblings. Or maybe he'll say he needs to continue with his time. but you are free to go about with your own time. Or he may decide that he will bring her to your home for the weekends, regardless of what she expects.
This may or may not result in other siblings or in-laws coming out and saying, we agree, this is too much. Or they may not. But in either case you'll get some freedom back. Keep us posted on how things go.
If I were you, I'd hire another paid caregiver to take over your weekend because your MIL is not going to change. Stop taking care of her because you will grow to hate and resent her if you don't.
One of the most useful things I've learned on this forum is "as long as YOU are the solution, no one will bother to look for another one".
I realize that many others are involved in the current solution, but perhaps it is up to you to step back from helping in order to force the others to look for another solution. Yes, you may take some flak for being the straw that breaks the camel's back, but in the long run, they will should be grateful.
Does your MIL have a PoA? If so, this person needs to get her cognitively tested to activate their authority. You may be very surprised at the results. Caregiving needs to happen on the caregiver's terms and it's not working for your family. You are under no obligation to participate in her unsustainable fantasy of aging in her home. Consider that she didn't do for her parents what she is now wanting others to do for her.
I was very fond of my MIL, too, but in no way was I going to be assumed as her caregiver in her home or mine -- and she'd have loved this. Will venting really be enough for you? Does your spouse feel the same as you? Or not? And maybe this is why you don't feel you can voice your true feelings about this arrangement? Even so, you really need to be honest with yourself and the others and retire from this treadmill because your resentment will only build.
A favoriet "truism" often quoted on this site: Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. It's unfair and unsustainable and irreversible.
It’s time to find out how the others involved feel about it. Someone has to tell the truth eventually. Perhaps it’s you?
Your MIL is simply responding to the constant attention she is getting. All the kids evidently decided she can't be left alone, and made a plan to be there 24/7, fawning over her, though it seems MIL needs very little help.
And, of course there is room for resentment to creep in, since this is now becoming a chore, and one that you can't get out of.
MIL is elderly and weak. Her world is becoming slower and smaller. It's normal for her to want to sit in her chair all day. And because mobility, and getting up out of her chair is challenging, it is much easier for her to remain seated and take advantage of all the attention she is getting, by having you bring stuff to her.
After all, what else are you there for?
YOU started this. And by You, I mean all the kids taking turns being by her side, at her beck and call every day and night. You all went into it without a well-thought out plan. The plan was for someone to always be there for her, but without a clear job description, or an end date.
You say the rub for you is that mom doesn't seem to appreciate what everyone is doing for her. Did she ask everyone to give up their time to spend 24 hours a day with her? I'm guessing someone else decided and this plan was thrust upon her, without her input.
You could, collectively, decide to hire more caregivers to provide more coverage. But, I'm sure you all love her and there's a part of you that wishes to be there to see her and check on her and be of some help to her.
To avoid resentment and frustration, the family needs to construct a sustainable long term plan. This could go on for another 10 years. You all need to decide what you are and are not willing to do. AND it doesn't have to be EQUAL. Don't compare yourself with what someone else does. We all have different lives and life commitments. No one will win in the contest to do more.
Have a family meeting and decide how long you're all willing to do this for her. There's no reason on earth why the queen cannot at least come to your homes, for petesake. If you all lay down the law with your boundaries, she'll have no other choice but to accept your boundaries or move into AL, which is like a nice hotel mixed in with adult day camp. My parents loved living in AL.
Best of luck deciding how much you'll do for MIL in the future. It's important to love YOURSELF too in this process, otherwise it's impossible not to have resentment build up.