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I have been caring for my mom for the last 4 years. My sister gave me 6 weeks of respite a year. Now she is narrowing the respite down to 1 month a year. I live in Florida, she lives in Massachusetts (where mom and I both lived). We have one other sibling who is mentally unstable. I am feeling overwhelmed and feel like I am not able to live my own life anymore. I am afraid she will get to the point where she will not give me any respite. Is it wrong to move my mom into assisted living and ask my sister to help pay for it since my mom’s income is poverty level? We are both retired and financially stable.

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You’re one of many who come here regretting what life has become since moving in a relative. Do you or one of your siblings have POA for healthcare and medical decisions for mom? Is she capable of helping decide where she’ll live next? It’s not on you or your sister to pay for mom’s living arrangement unless you have lots of extra money and desire to spend it on mom. Have an honest talk with mom and sister, let them know you’ve done your best but cannot continue in this role
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I agree with the others who have already posted that all depends on who has the legal authority to make the decision for a move, and if so, how to pay for it.

In the interim can she afford to pay for an aid to come in for 1 day a week or a few hours/a few days a week to give you a break? Or what about adult day care? If you're going to pay for something on her behalf (which is noble but not recommended) then I would start with this since it's more affordable and you'll get an immediate benefit.

If your sister doesn't like her mom spending money on this then you will explain to her that you need more of a break, not less. If she doesn't like it then she can be the full-time caregiver. The hard truth is that no one is obligated to provide hands-on care for another or to pay for such care. And no one should ever be "assumed" into doing it (or guilted, pressured, shamed, threatened, etc). Your sister has no moral or ethical obligation to do it and neither do you.

Hopefully one of you is your mom's DPoA. If not this needs to happen post haste if she has her faculties. If not, you can still take her to an elder law/estate planning attorney to help her get DPoA in place -- the attorney will interview her privately to assess if she can comprehend what she is doing so let the attorney decide if she's able, not you; then get her a doc appointment for a baseline cognitive/memory exam to have in her medical file; finally, maybe even consult with a Medicaid Planner to confirm she would actually qualify and if so, what it would take and when. Don't assume she will or won't.

I wish you success in getting your care schedule down to a manageable one for you both.
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It is never 'wrong' to move your parent into AL or a SNF if you feel unable to do the caregiving at home anymore. Oftentimes, 'children' put their parents lives ahead of their own, as if the parent's life is more important than their own. Then the child winds up suffering a myriad of health conditions and has to go on anti-depressants and BP pills, etc, just to cope with having their lives usurped by the senior. No one life is more important than another. God gave us all lives that are to be enjoyed equally, w/o sacrificing one for another. You gave four years of your life to caring for your mother, and now you're feeling overwhelmed. I can tell you from personal experience that my mother loved living in Assisted Living and anyone telling you they're 'horrible' places are misinformed. In reality, they're like nice hotels for seniors, with 3 meals a day in a dining room, lot of activities to enjoy, outings on a mini bus weekly, and lots of entertainment and socialization with other seniors to participate in. My folks lived in AL from 2014 until 2019 when my mother had to transfer into Memory Care AL for worsening dementia and dramatic mobility issues. Dad passed in 2015 but also enjoyed AL until then.

You can ask your sister if she can afford to help pay for AL for your mom, but you should also ask yourself if YOU can afford it? If not, there's always Medicaid to apply for on your mom's behalf for Skilled Nursing placement. Or perhaps you can finance her stay in AL for a while and then apply for Medicaid; speak to your sister and see if the two of you can come up with a plan of action moving forward.

Wishing you the best of luck taking care of YOURSELF as well as your mom.
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Your options will depend on what state you live in. Moving our mom from where our home state to where I currently live opened up assistance that had not been available. It was the difference between needing significant monetary assistance to only needing help with some comfort items. Contact your regional office for seniors and aging to see what may be available to your mom.

On another note, it is so easy to get aggravated with our siblings when they don't help the way we think they should. Some may be selfish, yes. Others have complications in their lives that we simply aren't aware of. Unless we spent an extended time with that sibling, we will miss the difficulty they have.

I made the error of not understanding the stresses my sibling was under and ascribed selfish and wanton motives. That was not the case. They were overwhelmed by many factors in their life and lacked the resilience to deal with an avalanche of struggles.
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I really like this from Geaton777: "The hard truth is that no one is obligated to provide hands-on care for another or to pay for such care. And no one should ever be "assumed" into doing it (or guilted, pressured, shamed, threatened, etc). Your sister has no moral or ethical obligation to do it and neither do you."

Why is your sister decreasing the amount of respite she provides? I suspect it is because your mother is becoming harder to care for. Did you end up doing the caregiving because you are a retired nurse? Were you pressured into doing it?

From your profile: "I am caring for my mother Jo-Ann, who is 81 years old, living in my home with age-related decline, anxiety, arthritis, depression, mobility problems, and osteoporosis." I don't think your sister will agree to fund the cost of an AL facility with you. What do you do for your mother on a daily basis? Do you see her as qualifying for a NH?

Who is her POA/HCPOA? What is her financial situation?
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Ckmary Nov 2021
How did you get the information about my mother?I never put that information in my question!
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I assume you have all your Mom's legal papers with DPOA, Health Care Proxy, Will in order. If not , this is a MUST. Before you move your mother please apply for Medicaid - if she is at the poverty level, she will be approved. That will help pay for the NH or in-home care for your mom. Do your homework before you even broach the subject with your sister. Are there ones nearby that you feel are well run, caring and not understaffed? What are their costs and do they take Medicaid? Your Mom is still relatively young. NH facilities can cost tons of money and over the years this can deplete every asset you have now and will need for yourselves in the future. Think long and hard about using your own money for this.
Just because you took on the role of caregiver in the beginning doesn't mean it's a life sentence if you change your mind. As your Mom ages, her needs will increase, you will get older and have more limitations also. I suggest that you have a frank discussion with your sister about needing more help with Mom, and the toll it is taking on you. Since she has lowered her respite time, she surely will understand this. This does not mean she will be able to pay for NH care or want to; but will lead the way to discuss other solutions such as a private local aide to come in and spend a few hours with your mom each day. This will give you some very much needed and deserved respite time until the time comes when keeping her home is no longer an option. Best of luck to you!
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Ckmary: You should never use your own, nor your sister's financials for your mother's care.
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You can ASK your sister to help pay for assisted living. However, your sister (and you as well) are not obligated to pay.

Might I suggest that you help your mom apply for Medicaid. Then, help her to get placed into an assisted living facility that will take Medicaid.

While you are helping mom get Medicaid, you might consider placing her into an Adult Day Care which will care for your mom Monday through Friday during the daytime. This will give you a break most days of the week and cost less than assisted living.
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I had a similar situation. I suggest having a "what is next for Mom" conversation with your sister and just put it out there that you can no longer care for Mom in your home. Then brainstorm together possible options and find an agency nearby that specializes in this type of thing for the elderly. Make your decisions together and include Mom if she is mentally able.
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You have done a great deal for four years with minimal help from anyone else and it is slowly destroying you and your life and you are NOT going to get more help. Absolutely yes, place her into a facility. She has lived her life and now it is your turn. She must go because there is no choice. If she has no funds, Medicaid can step in. But know Medicaid does NOT pay for assisted living, only a nursing home. You should not pay for her - it could mess things up down the road. Please speak with an eldercare attorney for help and advice. You are absolutely 100% right to move her - can't be helped.
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