How do I move forward in a sexless marriage?

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My husband has had 4 major spinal operations in the last 3 years and has been disabled now for 1 year, and I am now his carer. He is 40 and I am 39, we have been happily married for 20 years and have always enjoyed a very active sex life. He now has no desire for sex and it has been over a year since we last had sex but I am really struggling to cope without it, especially the intimacy and closeness it brings. I still love him dearly and find him attractive but he has no desire for me whatsoever, although it hurts, I totally understand his situation, but I wondered if anyone out there is in a similar situation, and if so I would appreciate any advice on how to cope?

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Have his testosterone levels been checked?
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There are many ways to pleasure a woman and make her feel wanted without performing the actual act. If I loved someone I would want to do that for them. In reply to the original question I however do not judge, just my feelings.
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Do you tried something like proinfomed/drug/levitra - i heard it can help even in hard situations. And give time to your husband.
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I have been dealing with this issue for a very long time (think in terms of decades, not years). If the problem is low libido/ interest because of the medication he takes, it can be not only frustrating but emotionally devastating for the wife who still has a healthy interest in sex. Yes, you can understand the whys and where fors of what's going on, but it is a very hollow and lonely existence when you are yearning to be loved and cuddled. It is not simply the sex that is missing, but the feeling of closeness, of being desirable, of being wanted. We have had so many many tears and discussions over the years about why, what could I do differently, the things he could still do for me (but doesn't) and nothing ever changes. I love him, he loves me, but it is more of a good friend love. I feel the poster who said to just drop the subject and do other things you enjoy was trying to be helpful but either doesn't really understand the situation or has low sex drive themselves. After all this time it still hurts deeply. I understand he can't help how he feels, but neither can I. I have never cheated on him, but oh how I yearn for that feeling of being desired again. It hurts every day and I have to leave the room when steamy sex scenes come on TV shows or I start to cry. I have seen a therapist and his only suggestion was to leave the marriage, which I don't want to do. He is a good and kind man. It's just not the man I married and not at all what I thought I'd be dealing with. I guess my feeling is that I could better understand and deal with it if he had some sort of physical disability rather than just that he doesn't feel like it. I've talked many times with him about the things he could say and do that don't involve actual intercourse, but he is not interested and never thinks to do them. All of this is certainly no answer to your question, but just know that you are not alone. I sure wish I did know what the answer is, or that I could trade places with him so that my longing would disappear as well. It is easier to take a pill for physical pain. This permeates every facet of your life and chips away at self esteem and confidence, even social skills. I think it only seems unimportant to those who either have little desire themselves or are fulfilled and don't understand the pain of feeling cast aside.
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A good urologist should be able to help directly with the physical aspects. Emotionally, it is painful and devastating for men to lose capability and they tend to blame and feel bad about themselves even though it is a physical condition, and psychological complications then kind of keep you stuck. You might find online help too, sexsci or just google sexual dysfunction spinal cord. I hope you can get him to get some help with you!
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Why he do not want you? Have you talked with him? Maybe he is still ill and has to be cured.You know, sometimes erectile disfunctions happens. Talk to the medic and you will find an exit.
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Ellemorris if you click on Veronica's name (to the left of her message) it will take you to her "page" where you can send her a message. There's a little box to the right, above where you type the message that says something like, "Make it a private message" or maybe just "Mark as private"...something like that. Click on that box (you should see a check mark in the box after you click on it) and your message will post on Veronica's wall and only she can read it. Hope that helps.
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I understand low or no libido can come from medication. Been there, done that, still wearing the t-shirt. There is nothing I can do about it, it's the meds I take for breast cancer. Other women in my breast cancer support group are going through the same thing. What is scary is that 50% of marriages/relationships break up after a woman is diagnosed with breast cancer. That is so sad that sex was the only thing holding together a relationship, otherwise they did the men walk.... [sigh].

Ellemorris6, your hubby has no choice. I guess he could stop the pain meds to get his desire back, but would you really want him to do that? You need to put yourself in his shoes. He's the one going through 4 spinal surgeries in 4 years, he's the one in physical pain, he's the one taking the meds for this pain, he's the that is trying to please you even though he has zero desire [not his fault] trying ED pills which can create other illnesses, he's the one that is feeling he is letting you down. He's the victim here.

I would drop the subject entirely, and find other things that are of interest to the both of you, stuff that will make you both laugh. He needs to feel you will continue to be there for him. He could be so stressed out from this that he needs more pain meds to deal with it.
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Hi Veronica, thanks for your reply and yes he is a veteran but his injuries are job related and not combat although he was aeromeded home from Afghanistan because of it. He also suffers from kidney stones and has just been discharged from urology as they don't seem to think his problems are urological and they are also blaming his medications along with nerve damage, so we are now waiting to see an endocrinologist. I'm sorry I've never been on a forum and don't the protocol, so not sure how to send a private message. Elle
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