Mom is gone, my family still isn't speaking to me, except one brother and his family. I feel tormented, can't sleep, ruminating about mom's illness and hospital stay.
I feel so guilty for not spending more time with her last year when she lived with me. We hung out, went to Bible Study together and lunch dates, but I started a business right before her cancer diagnosis so I was buried in the building stages of the business. This guilt is so strong,
I haven't gone back to work yet, I just don't know how.
I feel lost and it is so foreign to me. I always have a plan and am able to make the next best decision. How do I move forward?
Read about guilt, it is a self-imposed emotion basically driven by fear, are you afraid of being criticized by others because you are telling yourself that you did not do enough?
I think that you are emersed in grief, however, you are using the buzz word guilt.
Guilt keeps you stuck in an emotional quagmire, stop feeding yourself these negative thoughts, start telling yourself that you did the very best you could with your mother, think of the good times that you shared with her. Turn this around, it is about what you did for her, not what you make up about what you didn't do.
You did the best you could, that is all one can do.
And then you replace the word guilt(because you have nothing to be guilty about) with the actual word you're feeling and that is grief. Grief is a powerful emotion that we all have to deal with at some point in our lives and it's something we all deal with differently. There are no cut and dry rules when it comes to grief, and we all must do what's best for us.
But I can tell you that after I lost my husband almost 2 years ago now, that life does go on, and it does get easier.
And as a mom myself I can't imagine that you're mom would want you to put your life on hold because of her death. Instead honor her by living your best life possible.
May God bless you and keep you.