You don't mention anything but arthritis as an issue for your mother, so why all the hurtful comments? Limit your contact with the woman, letting her know why, too......just as you wouldn't keep interacting with a cat that kept clawing you, you're not going to keep interacting with a mother who keeps hurting your feelings. If she wants to keep seeing you, she's got to play nice, plain and simple.
I love Freqflyer's recommendation. I wish I had read that before I wrote my littany below, ah, me.
I agree with AlvaDeer and would add to her list... When does she make these comments? Does she do it to everyone?
Some good responders may reply that if she snaps at you, you may want to check to see if something is making her uncomfortable, for example, UTI, hunger, is she wet or cold, is she afraid which may translate to anger, etc.
Another possibility to consider - Is this a method of communication she grew up with? If it is you will need to either get out of the line of fire, or re-train her.
To do this, if she's fairly reachable, relate to her calmly, using a combination of detachment plus a slight touch of motherliness and in a non-condescending way. Don't react.
If she trying to get a rise out of you, you can say - Wow mom you beat your last record I've only stepped into the room 6.2 minutes ago. Just joking. You can say - S*tan's back. Kidding again. You could really just say - Btw, I just joined the army and I wanted to give you a big sloppy kiss before I go. Yes, it's me again being silly.
Don't respond. Go out of the room. Leave the room calmly, with a smile, immediately after the nastiness is spoken. Play soothing music in another room, another room especially if she is watching TV. Do not fuel the grump.
You already know her schtick, so during your alone times review her littany of comments and prepare in you mind how you will manage her slings. Again, not knowing the circumstance and your mother's situation (or reason for the launch), telling you to simply respond with "Oh, that's not a not a nice thing to say" may trigger Armageddon, although tough ole me would and walk out and eat a fruit or crochet or something. (I don't crochet but I may begin if I were stuck). Read a book. I just picked up The New Earth. It's a little difficult for me but because it is the level of focus needed helps to shut out everything from my mind and emotions.
Or you can take another approach that works for me, most times, unless I'm super tired, which is to view their behavior, anyone's behavior, as funny or sad. I don't exhibit this thought on my face. Imagine your favorite actress or actor and mimic their vibe (Vibe, not their acting method), or feel the cool performance of any admired person until that characteristic becomes your own when you need it.
Sometimes I'm James Cagney and I strongly feel (imagine) - "Y'a know I can just take this grapefruit and mush it in your face". My eyes never speak this. Sometimes I'm genuinely full of milk and honey. Sometimes I think - H*ll I'm so glad I'm not you because if the shoe were on the other foot I know I'd be scr*wed because you couldn't do 1/10th a great a job for me as I'm doing for you, you pimple you. Mostly I have pity in my mind and heart but I'm a human being, and always a work in progress, hopefully a bigger-than-the-situation human being.
There are tons of misdirections we can give you unless you describe your situation better.
More information is needed. Does your Mom suffer from dementia? Are her comments a new thing, or is this "just Mom"? How old is Mom and how old are you? Do you live with Mom OR does Mom live with you? And please give one example of a hurtful comment Mom made to you "out of the blue". In general, if your Mom is not acting out of some disease or disorder process, and is simply "mean and hurtful" in general I would suggest you limit your visits to her accordingly. Hope you will return to give us a bit more information. My best to you.
You don’t put yourself in a position to listen to them. If you’re on the phone, say you’ll speak to her when she’s being nicer and hang up. If you’re visiting, say the same and leave. Every time
The situation really depends.
I was willing to put up with it, until extreme events occurred.
I'd firstly try and figure out why she's doing it?
In my case, it was a distorted reality of my mother. And it often occurred when her agitation had escalated - especially if she had been in hospital.
Writing what she says down on paper might help, then you can create a "counter-narrative" that seeks to disprove her hurtful words.
I agree with AlvaDeer and would add to her list...
When does she make these comments?
Does she do it to everyone?
Some good responders may reply that if she snaps at you, you may want to check to see if something is making her uncomfortable, for example, UTI, hunger, is she wet or cold, is she afraid which may translate to anger, etc.
Another possibility to consider - Is this a method of communication she grew up with? If it is you will need to either get out of the line of fire, or re-train her.
To do this, if she's fairly reachable, relate to her calmly, using a combination of detachment plus a slight touch of motherliness and in a non-condescending way. Don't react.
If she trying to get a rise out of you, you can say - Wow mom you beat your last record I've only stepped into the room 6.2 minutes ago. Just joking. You can say - S*tan's back. Kidding again. You could really just say - Btw, I just joined the army and I wanted to give you a big sloppy kiss before I go. Yes, it's me again being silly.
Don't respond. Go out of the room. Leave the room calmly, with a smile, immediately after the nastiness is spoken. Play soothing music in another room, another room especially if she is watching TV. Do not fuel the grump.
You already know her schtick, so during your alone times review her littany of comments and prepare in you mind how you will manage her slings. Again, not knowing the circumstance and your mother's situation (or reason for the launch), telling you to simply respond with "Oh, that's not a not a nice thing to say" may trigger Armageddon, although tough ole me would and walk out and eat a fruit or crochet or something. (I don't crochet but I may begin if I were stuck). Read a book. I just picked up The New Earth. It's a little difficult for me but because it is the level of focus needed helps to shut out everything from my mind and emotions.
Or you can take another approach that works for me, most times, unless I'm super tired, which is to view their behavior, anyone's behavior, as funny or sad. I don't exhibit this thought on my face. Imagine your favorite actress or actor and mimic their vibe (Vibe, not their acting method), or feel the cool performance of any admired person until that characteristic becomes your own when you need it.
Sometimes I'm James Cagney and I strongly feel (imagine) - "Y'a know I can just take this grapefruit and mush it in your face". My eyes never speak this. Sometimes I'm genuinely full of milk and honey. Sometimes I think - H*ll I'm so glad I'm not you because if the shoe were on the other foot I know I'd be scr*wed because you couldn't do 1/10th a great a job for me as I'm doing for you, you pimple you. Mostly I have pity in my mind and heart but I'm a human being, and always a work in progress, hopefully a bigger-than-the-situation human being.
There are tons of misdirections we can give you unless you describe your situation better.
Help us help you.
Does your Mom suffer from dementia?
Are her comments a new thing, or is this "just Mom"?
How old is Mom and how old are you?
Do you live with Mom OR does Mom live with you?
And please give one example of a hurtful comment Mom made to you "out of the blue".
In general, if your Mom is not acting out of some disease or disorder process, and is simply "mean and hurtful" in general I would suggest you limit your visits to her accordingly.
Hope you will return to give us a bit more information. My best to you.