How do I lower the effort I need to put into keeping tabs on my mom?

If she won't carry a cell phone, she probably won't wear an alert pendent, either. My own mom was resistant to the questions and attention, too. I took her out to lunch (and had written out my thoughts in advance) and calmly made the case that the "protections" were as much -- or more -- for me as they were for her. To tell me I shouldn't worry about her is to be in denial of my love and concern for her, and it felt dismissive and disrespectful. I was not going to be able to stop having concerns because of just basic realities, like the fact that no one escapes their mortality and that usually it is preceded by decline, which is natural and normal, and preparing for it is what makes a mom a wise and loving person. Especially since I am my mom's DPoA, anything that happens to her is my responsibility no matter what.

FYI unreasonable or uncharacteristic "stubbornness" is often an early sign of dementia and/or memory impairment. Getting your mom to adapt to some least-intrusive protections while she has good cognition would be a good goal.

With my MIL (who lived in a townhome complex) I enlisted the help of 2 closest neighbors to do wellness checks if I asked them to. I left a key hidden outside that I'd tell them the location if they needed to let themselves in (my MIL didn't know about the hidden key) and also for emergency responders if they needed to get into the house. Your mom's neighbors can call her on other pretenses and report to you. I thanked my MIL's neighbors by getting them GCs and subscriptions, not a lot but enough to feel appreciated (they wouldn't accept cash plus that would make them feel more responsible).

Of course, indoor and outdoor cameras would be very helpful.

In addition to this you can visit her to make sure her home is "seniorized" to reduce falls (you can find what this entails online). Make sure the path to her greenhouse is flat and level, and her supplies are close at hand. Explain to her that the goal is to keep her in her home for as long as possible (do NOT promise to never move her out!)

Finally, make sure she has all her legal documents in place and updated, including an Advance Healthcare Directive (Living Will) that her physician helps her to fill out. I wish you success in helping her stay safe!

I actually started a company with my dad called CarePenguin for this exact reason! We make a sensor that detects if a loved one has used water or not that day to show they're going about their normal routine. We'd love for you to give it a try! :)

My (100) yr. old mother is similar in not having any kind of devices -- no WIFI in the house -- no cell phone -- no fall indicator, etc., etc., I got tired of arguing with her about her in-home safety. I have managed to get her to call my cell phone when she gets us -- two rings only -- then she hangs up. This way I know she made in through the night and she doesn't have to talk to me. If she doesn't call by a certain time, I call her -- just to "chit chat" and somewhere in the call I'll mention that she forgot to call me but I don't make an issue of it. (That has only happened once). I live close enough that I can check on her if I need to. Irish stubborness is going to be the death of her (or me)!

I actually had to get access to my elderly aunt's phone account to monitor and control literally 100+ spam calls per day. I can see her incoming (mostly now blocked!) and outgoing calls in close to real time. I just check on it a few times a day. One of the unexpected benefits of this is that I can see when she is behaving normally (making/getting a call or two each day) or if there is no activity, I or another family member give her a quick call to "chat". It works for us.

She gave me permission to be authorized on her account, and knows I'm monitoring for the spam, but she doesn't realize I'm using it to "check in on her".

We had an elderly member of our synagogue who lived alone in an apartment building here in Brooklyn.

One of her neighbors noticed that her papers were piling up outside her door. The doorman said " oh, she's on a trip with her step-daughter". Everyone knew she hated the step-daughter.

The neighbor called 911, the cops broke down the door. She'd been there for 3 days. She'd had a heart attack and broken her hip. Probably HA first, then the fall.

She rehabbed well and went back to her apartment with 24/7 aides.

Can you compromise with her on 2x a week (and have a neighbor call 1x?).

Many of us here end up waiting for the "event" that takes their elder's independence from them. Make sure you know where you want mom to go to rehab and to AL when the inevitable happens.

How old is your mom?

Does she object to a quick call every day just for you to say "I love you"? I mean, as long as she picks up the phone, she's okay. You don't have to grill her.

Does she have a neighbor you could call if you cannot reach her?

Install RING devices ... let her know these devices are necessary to 'age in place'.

Especially the 'door bell' What a relief to know my mom is okay at all time. She also lives in the mountains and can answer the door from 2 hours away just to be safe.
I have also installed 'Medical Guardian'. She was not happy but after dad died it was the only way to keep her on the ranch, mom and dad's home for 25 years.

So happy to know where she is ... she doesn't know they are cameras. She would not like that at all but they are motion devices to help her stay in her home.

karen ...

Thank you all for the incredible feedback. The best solutions I'm hearing are:

- using calling in a loving way (I like this but my mom will definitely know that I'm using it to keep tabs on her and that alone might annoy her)

- considering a ring doorbell (I like this for security outside the house but she would never let me put one in the house and wouldn't catch if she's sick in bed or something)

- carepenguin activity sensor (I am seriously considering this. I'd love some more information on it if anyone has some. I've read through the website but haven't seen many testimonials. For the price though I think I'll just give it a shot.)

- getting access to her phone account (This could be helpful too. I think I'll reach out to verizon.)

I'm going to install a ring doorbell at her front door and buy a CarePenguin sensor (links to an App and alerts me when my mom has no activity). I think this combination will keep my mom and me happy. I'll follow-up in a few weeks to let you all know how it's going.

Thanks again for all the feedback and if anyone else has more info let me know. I didn't think I'd get this much help this fast!

Good Morning Folks,

Just for a laugh--when I used to call my mother from work for a wellness check, she would answer "Hello, I'm still alive!"

We have one poster whose Mom won't leave her alone and now a son whose Mom thinks him calling everyday is intrusive.

We have a WaWa right next to an appt complex. At one time the employees had worked there for a while so the customers knew them pretty much by name. One went to school with my brother and she was telling me about a older senior lady that came in every day and bought something. She would tell the staff when she was going away and coming back. This one day she didn't show up. Everyone was asked if she had mentioned going away. All said no. So the police were called to do a "well check". She had passed away.

My MIL lived in Fla by choice. She had the option to live closer to her sons. But no, she expected us to move closer to her. We were 15 hrs away, another son 8 and another 12. Thank God she had neighbors. One noticed her newspaper had not been taken in for 2 days. He had a key to her home and let himself in. MIL was laying on the floor. She had a bad UTI. So, asking neighbors to call you if something doesn't seem just right should not put them out. I am not close to my neighbors but everyone has a routine. How far is Moms greenhouse from her house? If not far, maybe putting a walkway with a railing in case she does start to fall.

Tell your Mom she is lucky you care. My brothers rarely called my Mom. She may not feel old and she is lucky she has her health but it does not take much to have a fall. My Mom just had to pivot and it threw her balance off.