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My sister stays with mom 24/7, but she has outpatient surgery in eight days. Sister wants me to help and I am willing. But I cannot lift mom straight up from sitting like sister does. Mom also requests a drink which makes her less able to stand or sit. Once up, she can walk. Going potty is the big problem. There are no panties or pants on to pull in the back to even try to help her up. Sister just lifts her rear but I cannot really do that. I weigh 107 and mom weighs 147. I need a solution. Mom doesn't like hired care. She has no broken bones, but some mental decline my sister says. It seems like a lot of naughty behavior to me but I am not there much. Last time I tried to be there for sister to go to doctor appointment, mom said I boss her. On being safe, I have to and she does need to use her walker and not hang onto furniture. Having a drink makes her less able to function so I told her after she got to where she wanted to be and was reseated and had a little something to eat, she could have the alcohol. So I am mean and bossy. Sister needs some form of skin cancer removed so she needs to keep her appointment.


Does anyone know a good way to get someone up from seated position like a commode? Thanks for listening to all this and any new ideas are greatly appreciated.

Mean and bossy, eh? 🙄

Reading through, it doesn't sound as if there are any insoluble practical problems. Your mother is able to use her walker, she is able to use her own toilet, you're not going to have to take charge of her for very long (though I should stretch that six hour window if I were you - your sister deserves a bit more recovery time, don't you think?).

So the problem that's left is that you'd like this project to go smoothly, and safely - fine - and to your *mother's* complete satisfaction. And there's the rub. Your mother seems to be fond of a good ol' grumble, and your sister's absence and your comparative inexpertise provide her with the perfect opportunity.

If it were only you and your mother, even this would be fairly straightforward - you could keep her safe and let her grumble. Even the strictest elders' autonomy advocate wouldn't give you a hard time over erring on the side of caution for such a limited period.

But the trouble is that your sister will get the fallout, and just at the moment when she needs a little peace, quiet and harmony.

Do you yourself particularly mind being the "bad cop"?
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snowy1 Aug 14, 2019
Thanks for your comments. I do not mind being the "bad cop" but I cannot help my up off commode. I went to try with her again new instructions we were given last week that mom hasn't tried since PT left. She was reluctant and would not do them. So my sister realized since her surgery is in one week exactly, we need to really work on this. I tried to help mom stand up way my sister does but I need to use my right side as I just cannot even lift her up with pants on with my left side. Mom wasn't leaning forward either with made it impossible for me to help her up. She just says she cannot and that she has a headache.

I do agree that my sister needs more recovery time that six hours. In fact, from what I have read on what she will be having done that evening, she should not be bending the next day which she is is doing to get mom up.

So, it is a big mess and we did call about it. I cannot believe how much stress this is making me feel. I have done my stretching, Yoga, and praying today and am waiting for some enlightenment to help me get through this to be able to help both my sister and my mom. My sister has been home bound because of mom's demands so I can see where this problem was come from. I can everything to help except lift mom up the way she wants to be lifted. So right now as of today, mom cannot get up from her toilet with me. She can only do any standing up with my sister working terribly hard to make it happen. How could so much change in five days?
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I guess what wasn't made clear to the doctor is that you and your sister are no longer capable of giving mom the care she needs. Yes, mom has rights, but they don't trump those of you and your sister.

Mom can behave how she likes, but you two are under no obligation to care for her.

If your mother is competent, she can make her own choices and hire her own caregivers.

Don't enable her poor choices by destroying your lives and health.

Your sister needs to talk with a social worker at the hospital where she will have her surgery. Perhaps mom can go into respite care.

If mom objects, you and sister need to tell her, in a united way that there are no other choices.
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Have you been trained in the use of a gait belt?

Does mom understand that if shes not compliant with walker use, she will no longer be able to remain at home?

What does her doctor say about her cognitive state.?
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snowy1 Aug 14, 2019
Mom refuses the gait belt. She says it hurts her around the middle or under the arms. Mom did have colostomy many years ago that was reversed, but she does have soreness from where it was when something tight on it. I think that may be why she likes to wear clothes that are way too big because they aren't too big around the middle.

I went with mom and sister to doctor and he said mom could choose what she wanted on behavior so that didn't help the problem of having a drink when she wants. He didn't comment about what it is doing to my sister getting no good sleep as mom makes her get up constantly during the night to get to the restroom. I was very disappointed.
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You mention in the main question heading that Mom did this with PT and they trained you but now Mom doesn't want to do it that way for some reason? I didn't see any more about this in the details of the question so maybe I am misunderstanding? Is your sister accomplishing this the way PT trained you or doing it her own way? There are proper ways to do this that minimize the strain on both you and the patient as well as minimizing the injury risk and I would certainly practice and use these methods, your sister should be too. If being done properly it should feel more secure for her too so if she isn't liking the method used by PT or she was fine with it when they did it but not when you do maybe something isn't quite right about the way you are doing it but if you aren't able and she isn't cooperative something is going to have to give and I would suggest you and sister giving her the options, work with you willingly or work with hired assistance because she can't just sit in the same place for several days while your sister is gone and there is no option on that, your sister will be gone.
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snowy1 Aug 14, 2019
We only had PT come show us one time. My sister cannot get mom to comply with standing from sitting the correct way the PT showed us now since that day although she could do it with mom when he was there. Mom never did the correct way with me that day when PT was there. She said she was too tired. But then PT had her do it again with him and she did fine. She said she needed to practice a lot and he agreed. But she hasn't practiced at all since that PT visit as my sister just lifts her up because mom requests that of her and she complies.

I did get mom to stand up from seated position the correct way before PT came for that visit when I was with mom the week before for my sister to go to a doc appointment. Out of desperation, I had watched some You Tubes that gave good ideas. I helped mom get to the end of her chair by sliding with a towel, got her hold on to side arms of her chair, put her legs apart some and put her feet on the floor under her, and lean over forward like doing a sit up. She was able to get up. Mom resists helping me get her up though, got very angry with me, said I was mean, and I did have to let her sit for a few minutes until she wanted to try it safely again which for me is not lifting her rear straight up off the seat. I cannot do that and don't think my sister should be doing that either. Mom later smiled that day when we had gotten up together and thanked me. I told her she had done it and she said yes, and seemed sincere saying she wanted to work on doing it. That is when we got PT to come for that one visit.

My sister will only be gone for maximum six hours for her surgery before my husband drives her home, but I still would like things to go smoothly when I am with mom and my sister is gone. Evening is not best time for mom but that is when my sister's surgery is as only option given to my sister. My husband is driving her to and from it and staying there while she is having it done. I will be with mom along with my special needs daughter.

Mom doesn't like hired care givers, even the one who was studying to be an RN! I suspect it is because they won't accommodate mom's inappropriate requests such as being lifted up. Mom actually didn't use the potty the entire time while that person was there! Mom doesn't want anyone back and doesn't want to go out for care either.

Honestly, I just want to help but need to learn how as my sister really needs my help and I want to help both my sister and my mom.

Thanks for listening to all of this! It does help me to hear others ideas on my problem. Maybe just being able to vent my frustrations helps me too!
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You can tell your mom that she either gets the lift figured out or she gets a stranger from an agency, because you refuse to injure yourself because of her poor decisions.

My dad jerked me sideways to prove how strong he was, screwed my back and neck up for months. I am the one stuck paying for the chiropractic bills to fix his little stunt. Insult to injury.

She is the one in need, so she doesn't get to make the decisions about how you will help her. It kills me that parents don't care what happens to there adult children as long as they get what they want. No, it is a complete sentence and completely appropriate to say.
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Can your mom get herself up if she's in a chair with arms (and pull herself forward and up)? On another post someone shared a link to a non-mechanical metal device on amazon.com which slips under a seat and has arms on it. Can your mom get off the toilet by herself? I agree with Nurse AlvaDeer that you (and sister) doing that lifting is very not recommended. Besides being bad for your back, if she keels over you'll go over with her. Good luck!
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snowy1 Aug 14, 2019
Yes, Mom can actually get off her real toilet by herself as my sister has told me that she is too large to even get in behind mom in her tiny bathroom so if mom chooses to use her real toilet, mom has to get up by herself and mom knows that and does that. But most of the day mom uses commode in other end of the house. That is where the problem for me is. I have worked with mom on her real toilet quite a few times in the past six months successfully. I am pretty small so get in there just fine to verbally guide mom what to do. Mom doesn't like to use her walker in there but I insist as it is tile and a fall in there would cause mom injury. So I boss on that too and mom reprimands me.

Maybe you have actually helped me find a wonderful solution for the evening when I am there with mom for my sister to have her out patient surgery. If mom cannot master getting up off commode or her rocker/recliner in her family room, she will just have to only use her own toilet in her own bathroom and not sit in her rocker/recliner that night.

Thank you so much for giving me a backup plan if my requests for mom and I to successfully practice appropriate way to get up off the commode and her favorite rocker/recliner don't happen.

God's peace be with you.
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My dad’s therapist showed me a way to hook my arm under my dad’s underarm while standing facing him with my left shoulder lining up with his right shoulder when I lifted him. This didn’t hurt either of us.
Here is a YouTube version similar to what I was shown. We didn’t do the pulling forward part but depending on the chair your mom is in this might be helpful as well. My dad was in a recliner. But the part of the elder putting their feet down on the floor and then them leaning forward is very helpful.
Practice with your sister. It shouldn’t hurt either of you. Don’t let your mom pull on you and you don’t pull on her either. Hope this helps.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ovrl-Q_0FgY
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snowy1 Aug 14, 2019
Hi and thank you so much for the link. I watched it and got some pointers. Mom won't like me holding under her arm like that though.

I think the real problem is mom wants to direct things to be done her way and it just isn't a good way to be getting off commode or rocker/recliner chair. I offered to buy mom a new lift recliner and even found one in black real leather because mom's current one is black real leather and she likes it, but mom doesn't want it. She won't even try a lift chair! I spent lots of time trying to find one in black real leather and was successful. So I am hoping I can become successful at helping mom stand up from difficult seats. Otherwise it may be helpful for me to make sure mom doesn't sit in difficult seats when I am with her for those hours the evening of my sister's outpatient skin surgery.
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It is not a matter here of what Mom "likes". It is what is necessary. You are not strong enough, big enough, nor trained enough to do this; you could injure your back for LIFE. I am a retired RN and I am here to warn you that most of us live lifelong with back injuries. There is no easy way if you are not trained; lifts exist and again, in hands of untrained are more dangerous than anything else.
I suggest you not try this. Mom needs to go into care for this amount of time. In fact, Sister may NEVER be able to resume her care. You cannot know.
At the end of life, in elder years, it is not about what Mom "likes". It is about what must be. Not everything is about happy. Some is about sad. Worth crying over. Not worth a serious back injury. Sorry, at your size I sincerely caution you not to do this. And I warn you, not only will MOM be angry, but so will Sister. They may both need SEVERAL drinks tonight. Sorry. Bad joke.
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snowy1 Aug 14, 2019
Thank you for your input. Do you think that the You Tube from "97yrold mom" would work for me to do with my mom? Mom resists the gait belt and says she hurts so I don't know if the hooking my arm under mom's underarm would work for us. What do you think?
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