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I have been taking care of my Mom for the last 10 years. I am beyond burned out. She has quite the challenging personality. For the last 39 years she has had dogs that were not potty trained in the house. Three years ago, she adopted a dog that is now well over 100 lbs. My mom has severe balance issues and this dog has almost knocked her over several times. In addition to cleaning up after her. I am beyond disgusted by her hoarding and dog issues. I am in the process of finding a new home for my Mom’s dog. My Mom claims to need the dog for companionship but she can no longer properly care for a dog and this dog is neglected and yelled at because she pees and poops inside the house. My Mom physically can’t let her out anymore. My Mom is pretty much one fall away from a nursing home. I am actively seeking a home for the dog but have to deal with it in the meantime. To complicate matters, my mom refuses to get any of her papers in order so when she does pass or go into a nursing home, it is going to be complete chaos. My Mom could easily be diagnosed as having a narcissistic personality disorder. I have put my life on hold for the last 10 years and I feel like I need to take back my life now. My mom lives with my brother who is also a hoarder and is financially dependent on her. I can’t wait until this nightmare is over but what can I do in the meantime?

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"my mom refuses to get any of her papers in order so when she does pass or go into a nursing home, it is going to be complete chaos...I have put my life on hold for the last 10 years..."

And you feel guilty for what exactly???

Your mother lives with your brother. Let them sort things out.
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I’m a huge dog lover. I wish I had some better answers for you.

But I did want to give you a big pat on the back for doing the right thing where this poor animal is concerned.

Dogs are such wonderful creatures. They give unconditional love and loyalty to their humans even when they are being mistreated. It breaks my heart that he/she is being yelled at for something that isn’t it’s fault.
Not to mention the lack of exercise and becoming overweight... it’s not right. The poor thing doesn’t want to be like this and if he/she is “misbehaving” it’s because that’s what it’s human has “taught”’it to do.

But you know all this. Look into rescue organizations if you can’t find a new home quickly. Even a “no kill” shelter would likely be a better situation. They’d get him/ her to a vet and start working on a safe weight loss method to get him/her healthy again and a better candidate for a new forever home. I will worn you - a “no kill” shelter will have a fee for taking him/her in. Take it from your mothers funds. If she won’t come up with the money - pay for it yourself and then figure out a way to get reimbursed by your mom.

Thank you for recognizing this is what’s best for the dog. I wish I had an idea on your other problems with your mother and brother.
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Katie, I get your concerns over her dog. But...she's a hoarder. She will bring in another dog. Hopefully a smaller one. I was part of team that gave care to a woman with terminal cancer who was a hoarder. It makes me hyperventilate just thinking about the craziness of it. Don't you think you should just back away and let the chips fall where they may? You won't "fix" her no matter how many fingers you stick in the dike that is springing leaks all over. You can take back your life now but it will require you to give up wishing your mom was someone she is not. Report her to social services as a vulnerable adult. She may become a ward of the county, so just let it happen. She will get the care she needs. The same goes for your brother. There's no point in you wanting more for her than she wants for herself. Move onward and upward. Blessings and peace to you.
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Katie123 Sep 2019
Thank you Geaton. I needed to hear everything you said. I need to let go of the situation. She’s a competent adult who thrives on chaos. Having grown up in this environment, I crave order. I guess I need permission to just let go. Thank you for your sage words! Bedding, peace and hugs back to you!
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Why did you “put your life on hold”? Why do you bother with her at all, if she is nothing but trouble? This brother of yours—let HIM do all that. He lives there, he OWES her bigtime. Believe me, if I were in your shoes, that dog mess/chaos/crazy would be dealt with by BROTHER, or it would not be dealt with at all. Of course she won’t change her nutty ways—why should she? She has a willing slave who just goes on enabling. The sooner you quit, the better.
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anonymous828521 Sep 2019
Yes indeed Emma! Thought I was the only one thinking that.
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I would call your county's ASPCA and advise them about the animal neglect and mistreatment. Then I would detach with love until your mom is in a nursing home. So sorry you are going through this.
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Geaton's right. Hoarders will bring in MORE dogs once you find a new home for the dog you're worried about. There's no fixing THIS level of broken, I'm afraid. My husband's ex is a hoarder with a dog problem. She has 15 dogs (and countless cats) living in a trailer. The reason they're all living in a trailer is because she hoarded the brick & mortar house to the point where it has to be burned down; that's the level of horror it's in now. Beyond repair, beyond saving. A team wearing gas masks & HAZMAT suits wouldn't be able to clean that house out in a year.

You can't fix this so let it go. Once mom falls and has a serious issue as a result, she'll be forced into a Skilled Nursing Facility. I'm really sorry you have been going through this terrible situation for the past 10 years, with no end in sight. Sigh. It's all too much, isn't it? Sending you a hug and a prayer that things straighten out soon.
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Thank you all for the support you have given me! I so appreciate it. I think I needed permission to let go of the situation. I made an appointment with the county social worker and will try to set up some support for her so I can do as little as possible so I can live my life. I promised my Dad before he passed that I would look after my Mom but this has been too much. I need to cut my ties as much as possible for my mental health. Thank you ladies for all of your advice, love and support! I am so grateful to all of you!
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Your mom certainly does exhibit poor judgment. Is she competent? Regardless, I would ensure that the animals are rescued from her care, since they are not being cared for properly. I'd do that by consent or get authorities involved. Once that was done, is there any reason you have to stay involved? Can't your brother call 911 if she needs help? If there are no documents appointing POA, I'd think that it would be very challenging to intervene on her part, plus, she's very difficult.....so, I don't see much of an upside to trying to stay involved. I get your reasons for disgust and anger, but, not the guilt part.
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Katie123 Sep 2019
Thank you for helping me clarify. My Mom is competent. Looking at it now I am past guilt. I feel bad for her since she is basically home bound and she has a lot of health issues. I just want to do right by her dog that she is attached to. The dog does like my Mom and does have separation anxiety when I take my Mom to appointments. I was brought up in a highly dysfunctional home and sometimes childhood wiring comes back. I have distanced myself to just taking her to appointments and bringing her over items. I am her healthcare POA. My goal now is to rehome the dog in a loving home and get some assistance for my Mom so I can distance myself even more from her. I have put my life in hold for over a decade and it’s time for me to take back my power. Thank you all for your support.
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Katie123, find a counselor to help you. I grew up in a nutty dysfunctional house too. Get some help for yourself so you can get out of that nutty drama. I did. It sure does help.
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Hoarding is a serious mental illness where a person develops a very close "relationship" (as they would with people) with their objects and belongings, and in this case animals. They "love" their objects as they would a very close loved one.... so..... trying to remove any "loved one" object is going to be met with a reaction that you've taken away a loved child or baby. There is alot of psychological literature now on the psychology of hoarding, and it might help you to understand how your mother's mind works - and you may feel less disgusted - which is an unfortunate space to be in relation to your mother. Recommendation for hoarding is not to remove objects (in this case dogs) as this can cause extreme emotional psychological trauma. She is likely to to get more dogs or go to frantic efforts to find the dog you have removed. It can be akin to removing a child forcibly. Going into an aged care facility (before you clean out the house) would be less harmful than forcibly throwing out her things and moving the animals on while she is there. This situation needs to be handled very carefully, preferably with support from people who understanding hoarding behaviours - as things can escalate worse than you ever thought possible.
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