How do I know when its time to place my mother in assisted living?

Follow
Share

Hi, I am the sole caregiver for my mother who is suffering from dementia, vision loss due to macular degeneration and hearing loss. I relocated 7 months ago in order to accommodate my mom at home with me. She exhibits so many of the symptoms I’ve read about in this forum, repeated stories, repeated questions….constantly and sundowners. Luckily she can dress with a minimum of help and only needs help with the shower. But, cannot do anything else for herself. I haven’t been able to find trustworthy in home help and mom cannot be trusted to be left alone even for a short time. So, I am with her 24/7. I am engaged and my fiancé is patient, but he wants to get on with our life. I have also given up my job and my social activities. I guess the answer to my question is different for each of us, but I’m struggling between guilt at the thought of placing her or the isolation and frustration I am having with the rest of my life or at least a portion of it on hold. I’m so happy for this forum. It felt good just to write this all down. Thank you.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
8

Answers

Show:
I am an only child and when it "was time" (actually past time) for Mom to move from independent living with PT caregivers to assisted living, I asked her if she trusted me. She said yes and then we agreed it was the right thing and we would work together to make it great. Same conversation when it "was time" to move to long term care. After the outstanding care you’ve given her, she must trust you implicitly by now. Use that to work together on the solution. After you preview the facilities by yourself and have chosen the best one informally then let her see it and "decide" together so she feels part of the process, if she’s capable. Don’t overwhelm her with choices.
And if you don’t already have POA now is the time for that.
Good luck. You are a good daughter.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

it is time and the kindest thing you can do for her now is get her the care she needs - which is assisted living. A staff of people working shifts (not one working 24/7) will provide her the level of care she needs right now. You are a good daughter and should not feel guilt picking up your life again. You should be living YOUR life.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

If she "can't be trusted to be left alone even for a short time", it's time. Giving up your job and your social life is no way to live. This is a horrible family to be welcomed to, but we can all feel your pain in our own way. We each have to make that decision on when it "is time." It's a solitary place to be. Nobody wants to live even in the best assisted living facility, yet sometimes it's the best option when your'e having to give up your life to take care of an elderly parent.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Please get back to your fiance, your career and your life! Wishing you the best! Your mom in her younger years would not want you to give up this much.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Thanks for your answers! They were very helpful. And I agree, when I ask the question, “When will I know it’s time…” it IS time. My mom does need a village now to help her. I like that way of putting it. I am in the process of selling her house and then will move forward with finding a place for her. She needs more social activity which I cannot provide on my own. It breaks my heart to see her so bored and always sighing. I am familiar with some assisted living facilities in my area as before all this happened my dog (registered therapy dog) and I made weekly visits to various places and hope she might fit in nicely with the activities offered. I take mom out in her transport chair for “walks” around the neighborhood, which she loves, but can’t do it everyday.
Mom has lived with me in the new house for only seven months, but I had taken a leave of absence from my job 2 years ago in order to do her eyedrops, provide meals, pay bills, all the housekeeping chores and stay overnight once the sundowners presented.
Again, thank you! I am exhausted, but wow, it was so good to talk to people that understand.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

GirlinGear, I agree with Glad above, you know when it is time is when you ask yourself "when is it time?". Thus you are trying to convince yourself that Mom needs a higher skilled environment, and not have the guilt associated with this decision.

This is one of the hardest decisions to make. And all the "what ifs" that go along with this future change. Yes, it sounds like your Mom now needs a village to help her and Assisted Living [if she can budget that] or a skilled nursing facility [using Medicaid] would be the right choice. Unless your Mom can budget for around the clock caregivers at home but that can be extremely costly.

Yes, each case is different. My Dad was ready to pack and move once my Mom had passed. And he loved the senior living facility the moment we drove up the driveway. It resembled a Victorian hotel which Dad really liked. We had lunch there as part of the tour, and Dad really enjoyed the food. He couldn't wait to move in. I know my case is not the norm. If the tables were turned and this was my Mom, I probably would be the one selling my own house and moving into that senior facility !!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

It's time, if your mother can't be left alone and you have to be her 24/7 caregiver! When did you give up your job and social activities? How long has she lived with you?

Can she afford an assisted living facility?
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

It is time when you ask yourself "how do I know when it is Time"? You deserve your life. The sooner they are moved the easier the adjustment for everyone.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions