My husbands' childhood friends' (they grew up like brothers) 77 year old father almost lost his home, we purchased it and offered to let him stay with us, he didn't want to leave his home! His son is in charge of his estate and only he has access to his money, he is responsible for his Dr appt, keeping up with meds, doing his shopping and just general care, there is an attached apartment, it's built kind of like a duplex, bedroom and bathroom upstairs, living room and kitchen downstairs, we moved him in there!! The first year everything was good, he could go up and down the stairs, he was taking baths, he could make his own food (microwave food, toast, coffee). Then he started to have pain in his foot, he had to have a tube put in to help with blood flow, while waiting for the surgery he stopped going upstairs and had his son bring a portable potty and urinal jugs, he moved the bed, microwave, toaster, coffee pot and even a mini fridge right beside his chair and that's when it started. For a few weeks after the surgery he had 2 nurses come out, they would make him walk, exercise and bathe, they said if you don't want to lose it you have to use it. After they stopped coming, he stopped moving, he never went back to doing things for himself, he wouldn't make coffee or food or go upstairs to use the bathroom or even bathe unless his son was there to do it for him, this has been going on for almost a year! The son has always done the bare minimum but now it's even worse and I didn't even realize it! Right before the holidays I like to deep clean the house! He had a Dr appt. so I decided to do his apartment while he was gone, it was so nasty it took me 4 hours to clean it, I broke down and cried. I have 4 kids that I homeschool plus after school activities, I have a lot on my plate since school started back so I haven't made it down there much lately, I just couldn't believe how bad it was! His son hasn't been coming regularly and only comes late at night but apparently at this point in time he hadn't been for 2 weeks, so he had bags of poop tied up and laying around, 5 or 6 urinal jugs full, he hasn't had a bath or shower in weeks,, I pulled his bed out to clean under it and found baby wipes covered in feces, urine soaked tissues stuck to the ground where I'm guessing he spills the jugs and then it dries, so many food crumbs under his chair, trash laying around, it was just a mess! He didn't have any groceries or other things he needs. When he came back, I told him I wasn't ok with how he was living and I know that it's not my responsibility but he is in my house and I cannot allow this to continue to happen in my house, he said I was right and that he understood, the next day I asked him if he wanted to move into the main house and let me take over caring for him, we have a guest bedroom with en suite bathroom, it's not very big so he doesn't have to walk far, he agreed, it's been 2 days since I moved him and he will not use the bathroom, he keeps asking me for urinal I told him no the bathroom is not far and I can help, he says I'm ok right now, after almost a full day of him not going, I knew something was up, I figured out he was peeing in the trash can and he will not take a bath. I've been trying and he says tomorrow, I'm tired but he doesn't do anything at all. I asked him if he has given up and just wants to be bed ridden because he is headed there fast and I can't handle that by myself he says no, but I think if he didn't have to walk another day in his life he would be ok with that. I've noticed some other changes after being around him more, he's not eating much, he's not talking to his friends on the phone like normal, he hasn't watched t.v, he has started this constant hollering thing like he is in pain but says he isn't, he's not taking his meds, he's been acting out of it, is it depression because of his son not coming around, laziness, other health problems? How do I confront his son? Is there anything I can do? I'm lost
The man needs medical attention, his behavior is not normal. It is time for the son to step up and speak to his dad and get him the care he needs.
What you should have done is a) speak to the son as soon as you became concerned about the father's wellbeing; b) call APS as soon as it became clear that the situation had moved beyond the son's ability to handle it.
Ain't hindsight a wonderful thing?
What you do now is plan to move Dad back into his apartment, with adequate support; and you rebuild that boundary between his and your living accommodation in concrete.
Call the son, ask him to come to your home at a sensible time of day, and allow 2 hours to discuss with him and his Dad a proper care plan.
You are not responsible for his father's welfare, it is neither practical nor satisfactory for you to take the job on. On whose authority are you acting, for a start? The point is, that to become somebody's primary caregiver you need a proper basis on which to do it. And you don't have one.
If he looks 'out of it', call the son & say medical attention is required NOW. EMS if need be.
It really doesn’t matter if it’s medical or laziness. This is no longer the same situation you agreed to, and it has to change. If it's laziness, it will happen again without endless nagging. If it's medical it will almost certainly get worse. Son’s input has gone down, and his father is not behaving normally. It’s not your responsibility to work out what and why. Just put your foot down!