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Any advice and words of comfort would be appreciated. I‘ve never written on this discussion board. This morning I feel compelled to reach out. I am overwhelmed and cry and scream all the time. That is not like me! I am not sure how to give myself a break anymore. EVERYTHING I do seems do feels like the wrong choice. I am caregiving for my 83-year-old father and I feel like this is hell on earth. There are so many layers to my caregiving situation that it is overwhelming. The cost of dad’s care outweighs his resources, my half sisters have now decided to reappear and use this as an opportunity to belittle me, he has a feeding tube that significantly limits what services can be provided to him in the community, he is a legal resident in one state that has good social services and I am resident of one that does not. I am 45 years old, single, childless and must work for a living. Dad cannot take care of himself. This situation has made me realize how little social support I have in “friends” and family. However, I seem to have no shortage of those in my network who have strong opinions combined with no inclination to actually do something helpful. I do have an aunt near me that has allowed dad to stay with her and has just given permission for me to have health aids come into the house to help dad. (Pray this will work. This is all I have at this moment.) My aunt is starting to develop significant cognitive limitations herself. I am in caregiving quicksand. Have any of you had situations in which all seemed hopeless and you got through it? How?

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Sunny girl, I have a POA for dad. No one has one for my aunt. She will not agree to one. Dad's a legal resident of NY but staying with my aunt in the DC metropolitan area. I also live in the area.

Thanks for the kind words.
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Who has Durable Power of Attorney for your dad and your aunt? I'd get legal advice from an Elder Law attorney in their jurisdiction, so you know what will be required. Even if you think you have the right paperwork signed, I'd have it reviewed, to ensure it's correct. They can also assist you with the Medicaid process. I'd make sure they are experienced in this before the consult, so they can prepare you for what to expect. If you can afford it, I'd delegate as much as possible, especially if you are doing this long distance.

It made me feel better to know what to expect when I had to place my cousin into AL. I'd ignore those who don't offer support. They can only be a distracting and pull you down. I had zero support with my cousin. No one even offered to prepare a meal or even run one errand.

It's tough, but stay focused and know that at some point down the road, your dad will be settled into a place where he will receive around the clock care and you can then exhale.
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Thanks for your responses. It is sad to admit but misery does love company. At the moment I feel calm. I realize that Dad will have to go into a nursing home. The whole Medicaid process (i.e., laws, five year look back) is overwhelming and his finances just were not managed with any thought to eventually entering a nursing home. I've promised myself to get his affairs in order by the end of the year to be ready for a nursing home placement.
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if you have to work and dad needs more and more care - reach out to dad's doctor and discuss placement in a facility that can give him the round the clock care he needs. You won't be abandoning him - you have reached the end of your ability to provide care. Please do this. Killing yourself won't help your dad - he'll still need you to look out for him when he is placed. God bless you!
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Redbird and Daughterof1930,I just joined this group and found your posts. Maybe it was fate? Your stories sounds all too familiar, with the exception that it is my beloved Mom in my case, and it appears to be more of a mental health issue than a physical one. I wish I had more words of advice, but all I can offer at this point is spiritual support. Crying as I write this.....Thank you for sharing your stories, your life, and thank you for the reminder that we're not alone. I, too, have had to 'close the door' to those (some family members, some longtime friends) who don't get the accurate picture. Resources seem to be so difficult to find, and my heart is hurting, and sometimes screaming, so much that at times I literally feel that I can't take another step. My husband, and basically only source of support, has suggested meditation to take care of my own mind. Just remember to take of yourself, that you are important, and that you so obviously are doing all that you know and are able to do. Take care and God bless....
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Redbird, I just got on the site this morning feeling overwhelmed by what all has gone on with my dad in the past week. It's been exhausting, probably more mentally and emotionally than physically. And I see your post and you being so overwhelmed, this stuff is just so hard! Looks like all signs point to a change in circumstances for you. The aunt isn't going to be a viable option for long and your dad's are only going to become more involved. I hope you'll use this time that he's with your aunt to research your options on finding a facility for your dad. It seems not to be the option you want, it's rarely the option any of us want, but it's often best for everyone. He could get good care and you could go back to being his daughter and enjoy the time with him instead of being the stressed out, burned out caregiver all the time. Regardless of what you decide, please stop listening to the voices of those who only want to spout off opinions without being of real help. Just cut them off, I've had to do that with a quick comment about being in the situation daily gives me knowledge they don't possess, and then I refuse to discuss it further. I wish you the best and hope you'll find a different, more positive path forward soon
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